Category Archives: Mental Health

Can you spell O B S E S S E D ?

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If anyone noticed that I had not blogged in a few days, I was not slacking.  You can see from looking at my blog that my layout has changed.  
I saw a layout on someone else’s site that I really liked.   I checked the source code for their layout and figured out where they got it.  So I went and got it for my blog.  The main thing I wanted was the four boxes for the front page of my blog. 
I decided I would go through and change the coding in the layout a bit, to make it more my own, and so it would not look exactly like the other one.  The truth is I became obsessed with “making it my own”  I had very little rational thinking when it came to completing it.I was up to about four in the morning, several nights in a row because of my obsession with having “victory” over this project.
I am not very good at coding.  What I do know is all self taught.  However, I figured what I wanted to do would be very easy.  I was so wrong.  I started the process Friday afternoon.  I was finished by early Sunday morning.  It took so long because there were several unexpected “challenges”.
The original layout was written in Portuguese.  I do not know that language.  I do know Spanish, and some of the words were similar so I was able to figure a few sections out.   It did not occur to me to use an online translator for the parts I could not understand, until I was on the last word I did not understand.  Yes, I said the last word.  
In my arrogance of thinking that this would be an easy project to complete, I laughed at the wisdom of backing anything up. It is fairly easy to predict what happened next.  I would get a large section of changes done, then I would make a huge error in coding, and could not figure out exactly where the error was. Which meant, because I had no back up of what I had done, I would have to trash the whole layout and start from scratch.  Now you would think after the first time this happened, I would have learned to back things up.  I guess I am a slow learner, this scenario played out three more times before I learned the “back things up” lesson.
On Saturday night, it appeared to me that I had managed to get the majority of what I wanted on the new layout on to my blog.  I decided that the time was right for me to transfer the layout from my test blog, to this blog.  I “knew” nothing would go wrong, after all I had done the original work on a test blog (the only wise decision I made through this whole process).  

After getting all the code work moved over, I was so excited.  I was declaring victory before “my chickens hatched”.  I looked at the main page and saw only ONE of the little boxes I had admired so much.  Unfortunately, this occurred before I had learned the back up your work lesson. 

Thinking that the reason only one little box was showing up was because of an error I made in the coding, and not knowing enough about coding to be able to look at it and discover the error, I decided to trash the coding and start from scratch again.  This time though, I decided to do all the work from this blog, in case the error came from moving the layout over.
By this point, I was tired and frustrated with this whole darn project.  I wanted it to be over.  However, I could not let go of my obsession about  “beating” this project.  I slowly continued on with my coding, with my family giving me strange looks at times.  It seems people think it is odd when you are trash talking a bunch of codes on the internet. 

I decide to step away from the computer for a bit on Saturday night.  While I am away from the computer, I am still thinking about the codes, and trying to figure out why only one of the boxes is showing up on my front page, and for a few pages after that.  Suddenly I have an epiphany! I remembered that on this blog I had it set to show only one post per day, but on my test blog I did not do anything to the settings.  This thought made a lot of sense to me, but I am the person who decided to mess with their blog layout without backing up more than once, showing how illogical I can be.  

I go look at the setting for this blog, and click the button so it will show four posts on the main page at a time.  Yay!  It works!  I now have four little boxes on my front page.  I am very impressed with myself.  I won!  Then the reality of the situation occurs to me.  I did “win”, but I still have half of the coding to do because of trashing it all when I thought I was the reason the boxes were not where they were supposed to be.  It was late, and I was very sleepy.  

At this point most people would have decided to finish this project up in the morning.  The problem for me is I do not think like most people and once again I was obsessed with getting the whole thing completed.  The benefit for having coded the same layout multiple times, is that I knew what I needed to do and could get it done faster than I had done previous times.  I even added this cool thing where my navigation buttons rotated.  Once again, I impressed myself.  

Shortly after I completed my beautiful rotating navigation button tool, my daughter lets me know she has gone to my blog to see what I have been doing to it.  She
promptly lets me know that she finds the rotating navigation tool, confusing and she does not like it.  She certainly let all the air out of my balloon.  

I did finally get my new layout completed.  Once again I did a victory dance.  I took stock of my insane habit of obsessing about things that do not really matter and also the crazy feeling of being in competition with whatever it was I felt I was competing against.  Obviously, there is something not quite with my thinking.  I think I need to set some ground rules for the next time I feel the urge to obsess about a project.  

Oh…..since it seems I am obsessed with constantly changing the layout on my blog, I have forbidden myself to change the layout for at least two months.

The site that set me onto this nightmarish journey of obsession and competition is  Enguardia’s Journal

Enguardia is quickly becoming an internet friend.  I enjoy reading her blog.  She also has depression, diabetes and an anxiety disorder.  She blogs about her own personal struggles with and victories over those illnesses, in a very funny, dry humored way.   

Checking Out Is Not Allowed

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I saw my counselor today.  I let her know about how I was doing this week.  I told her about not getting dressed for two days, and trying to isolate myself.  I did let her know that I did not have any suicidal thoughts, or any negative dialogue running around my brain, but I knew that I had been feeling down.  
She told me that in her opinion, she felt like the two days I chose to not dress and hide away in my room, was me attempting to “check out” again.  She did say that it was an improvement that I did not have the suicidal thoughts, or any negative dialogue in my head. 
She confirmed that it would definitely be considered depressive behavior.  That kind of disappointed me.  The reason it did, is supposedly there is something called depression remission.  If you can go a solid year with no depression symptoms you are considered in remission.  Of course, me of the unrealistic expectations, was convinced that I had this depression thing licked and I would be considered in remission by next summer.  Not going to happen now.
Then it was time to figure out why I was feeling this way.  We came up with a few reasons.  Basically, what it boils down to, is I have this habit of taking on other people’s emotions as my own.  Even people I see on TV.  That is why I have not watched anything about Haiti.  Someone being angry with me also affects how I feel.  It usually makes me very sad, and leads me to a very negative dialogue about myself. 
Someone I dearly love has been feeling a bit stressed lately, and down.  Plus with my wheezing, I was not feeling good.  So those two things got combined in my head, and all of the sudden I was taken on someone else’s emotions and feelings, and I was allowing it to bring me down.  Those two days of not dressing, were my way of trying to hide from how I was feeling. 
My counselor said she believed that unlearning this particular behavior is going to be one of my biggest struggles, since I do it without even thinking about it and have done it most of my life.  
I now have another home work assignment.  She is so darn good at giving out home work.  What I am to do is when I encounter a person/situation that I know is going to drastically affect my frame of mind, I am to tell myself that this is not my issue to take on.  I feel empathy for them, but this is not mine to take on.  Just like the home work of finding something positive in every situation, the idea is once I practice this enough, it will replace the not healthy behavior.  She reminded me that this was going to be much more difficult than the positive thinking home work, and I absolutely needed to be extremely patient with myself.  No unrealistic expectations and checking out as a way to not deal with something is not allowed.

She also discussed about me making some friends that I could count on.  She did not care if they were over the internet or in real life. She feels that having more friends would be a good way to have other people besides myself to concentrate on.  Also, having friends with people who are fully aware of my mental difficulties, would be more understanding than some people, who I thought were friends, have been in the past.  This sounds like another home work assignment to me, even if she did not use those words. 
I never was one for a ton of friends.  On and off for all of my life I have dealt with depression, this last time was much worse with the suicide attempt that almost worked.  So my need for friends has been minimal.  The few friends I had before I developed this round of severe/major depression sort of dropped away, because I never returned phone calls or emails.  I think they were also at a loss of how to be around me and what to say to me after the suicide attempt.  
I know that to have friends, I need to be a friend.  Honestly though, when I am depressed, it is just too much work.  

A friend of mine that I have not seen in several years wrote me a note the other day, she mentioned something about me and her getting together for lunch sometime.  That is something I really want to do.  I would like to cultivate that friendship so I have at least one real life friend in my life.  She is a good person and I think it would be good for me to step outside of myself and do what friends do for each other.  

Lately, there have been a few people I have met around the blogs that I want to get to know better.  One in particular I think would be someone who I think would turn out to be a good support for me and I could be a good support for her.
I already know that this is going to provide me with some extra anxiety.  I will do what I need to do, to deal with the extra anxiety.   

Easy Button

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Have you ever wished that you had an Easy Button for your life and all of its challenges.  I have.  There have been so many times during the last few months, while I have been in treatment for my depression, that I have wished there was an Easy Button.  It would be so much easier for my mind to get better if I could just push an Easy Button and get an instant cure.

Delving into why I am the way I am has been a very painful process.  Thinking about how I behaved when my depression and emotions were out of control is not the most pleasant.  Seeing the consequences of my suicide attempt and hospitalization on my family, truly makes me sad.  An Easy Button would be a great way to not have to deal with all that emotional pain. 

 I could see myself using an Easy Button for most, if not all, of my mental difficulties.  I would be happier, wouldn’t I?  

If I had an easy button, I would not have the feeling of satisfaction I get now when I can make it through the day.  Nor would I have a feeling of satisfaction for having worked hard at finding something positive about a bad situation.  Oh wait, I just realized I would not even have any “real” emotions because I would not have to deal with anything.  

As much as I say I want an Easy Button, I think the reality is I do not.  I would miss out on to many life experiences.  Sure, those experiences can be painful and make me sad, but how would I grow as a person if I just pushed a button all the time to skip over the difficult parts? How would anyone grow if they could just use an Easy Button to not have to deal with the hard stuff in life?

Confession Is Good For The Soul

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Confession is good for the soul is what I have been told.  I hope it is, because today is my day to confess.  

Since Friday my mental health has not been as good has it has been.  It is not as bad as it can get, but that is not saying a lot.  I have been down, wanting to isolate myself, quiet, and I have not felt like communicating with anyone.  I have a counselor’s appointment Thursday so I will be sure to bring it up to her then.  I have been faking feeling OK on my blog and with my daughter.  However, even over the phone my husband can tell that I am not in a good frame of mind.   I even lacked the motivation to take a shower and get dressed for a couple of days.  

Some positives are I am not having any suicidal thoughts, and I am not having a negative dialogue running through my head.  I mostly feel disengaged from things.  

It could be a normal “down” time that everyone goes through, but it is still a struggle for me to identify “normal” emotions as compared to my out of control emotions.  That is why running this past the counselor is a good thing, she helps me identify which category my emotions are in.  


So that is my confession.  I felt compelled to do it because from the beginning of my recovery process I promised I would always tell the truth about what was going on.  Sometimes the person I need to tell the truth to the most is myself. 

The Sky Is Falling

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I had yet another children’s book on my mind today.  The story of Chicken Little.  After re-reading it this morning, I realized that Chicken Little was having a major panic attack.  I also realized that there were several things in the story that I could apply to myself. 

Not only was Chicken Little experiencing a panic attack, but he was having a panic attack over something imaginary.  

“Chicken Little was in the woods.
A seed fell on his tail.
Chicken Little said,
“The sky is falling.
I will run.”

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I have had more than one panic attack over something I imagined.  Whatever I had created in my mind, became real to me, the feelings were absolutely real.  The things I created in my mind that caused me to have a panic attack, were huge.  Sometimes it would be imagining my whole family being killed in an awful car accident. Once after I tried to commit suicide in May, and the right medicine mix had not been found for me, I started imagining that my husband was done with me, because he could not handle being married to someone who was mentally ill.  

Very much like Chicken Little taking off and running, I can spend several hours pacing the house. not able to concentrate, and crying buckets of tears when I have a panic attack due to something I imagined.  Days like that lead me to have many bad thoughts. 



Another thing I noticed about Chicken Little and his panic attack is that the longer the panic attack went on, the more details his imagination added to his “story”. 

“How do you know, Chicken Little?”

“I saw it with my eyes.
I heard it with my ears.
Some of it fell on my tail.”

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I have done the same thing when something I have imagined has caused me to have a panic attack.  All it succeeds in doing is making the panic attack worse.   


Chicken Little’s reasons for having the panic attack were so real to him that he managed to convince a few of his friends that the sky was really falling.  They started having panic attacks, and they started running.  I would think that by this point all of those animal/people having panic attacks were feeding each others fears.  I know that if I am around people who are anxious or panicking about something, it feeds my own fears and makes things worse.  That is one of the reasons I choose to only be around people who are positive and not prone to drama.


The final outcome for Chicken Little and his panicking friends was not very good.  They got so caught up in their panic attacks that they lost their common sense.  They actually thought a predator by the name of Foxy Loxy was going to help them.

“Foxy Loxy said,
“We will run.
We will run into my den,
And I will tell the king.”

They ran into Foxy Loxy’s den,
But they did not come out again.”

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I cannot even count the times that I have had a panic attack and lost all the common sense I had.  No common sense means I make very poor decisions.  An example of this is when I tried to kill myself.  I had been thinking constantly about suicide for months and months but had not acted on those thoughts.  When my husband lost his job and and we lost our insurance, we could no longer afford my medications.  I had gone to the free clinic in our county, and they were able to provide me with all my medicines except for one. I became very discouraged and panicky over not being able to get that one particular medication.  I have restless leg syndrome.  It is fairly bad.  When I do not have my medicine for it, I do not sleep and my legs get in such bad shape that I am miserable.  I began to panic at the thought of how miserable I was going to be for who knows how long. I decided that I could not live without having that medicine.  It was at this point I chose to act on the suicidal thoughts I had been having for so long.  It was a very poor decision that I made while having a panic attack, it almost cost me my life.  


Chicken Little and his friends were eaten.  Obviously their situation got worse due to their panic attacks.  Often when I have a panic attack, I become paralyzed with fear.  I can take no productive action about what is making me panic.  That inaction due to panic, makes the situation worse than if I had just been calm and dealt with it.


The original version of Chicken Little was a fable.  It has been passed down from generation to generation, in an oral tradition.  Fables tend to have a moral lesson in them.  I find the things that I picked out that I could apply to myself interesting.  I know the “professionals” who dissect stories find different moral lessons than I did.  I suppose there is no way to tell fo
r sure what moral lesson the original story teller wanted people to learn from from Chicken Little. Maybe he wanted people to do exactly what I did and find themselves and their flaws in it and learn from it.  

Daily Journal – January 19th, 2010

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Yes, I know I have not written a journal entry for several days.  Nothing was really going on so I thought ya’ll might be bored reading about my boredom.

My husband is working out of town this week and probably most of next week as well.  I miss him but I do enjoy the house being quieter.

Last night Anna and I went to Bojangles to get some chicken for supper.  We went through the drive thru.  We had to wait a bit for our food because they were cooking it.  They had us wait at the window rather than tell us to pull up.  After a few minutes some teenage boy stuck his head out of the window and asked me what I was waiting for.  I looked at him with a blank expression on my face and said, “food”.  He shut the drive thru window after that. 

I am finding that I spend less and less time on my games and more time in the blog world.  When I am not writing, I am reading other blogs.  I am really enjoying it.  I have discovered a whole new world on the internet.  

A friend sent me a very sweet note yesterday about how much she was enjoying the blog.  

I am working on The Skippin’ Ninja blog.  I hope everything turns out good and people like it when I am ready to have it up and running.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

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 Most of you who are reading this are probably familiar with the children’s book, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”.  At one point I had the whole thing memorized from having read it to my daughter so many times.  When she was hungry she would even say she was a hungry caterpillar.  

That book came to mind today.  I was thinking about how much I have changed in the last few years, and how much more change  I have to look forward to.  How I am in a transformation process, that I do not know how long it is going to last or what the final outcome outcome might be. 

Very much like The Very Hungry Caterpillar, who spends most of his time as a caterpillar preparing for a transformation, and in the transformation process itself, I feel as if I spent most of my life preparing for a transformation, or in the process of transforming.  For the first time in my life, I actually feel as if I have grown up.  

There was a question in one of the memes I did today that asked if there was anything I could change about my past, what would I change.  There was a similar question in a meme I did last week.  From what I can tell, it appears that I lot of people have something in their past that they wish they could change.  Each time I got that question, I answered it in a similar fashion.  

Remember when The Very Hungry Caterpillar had the tummy ache because of eating too much of the wrong things?  He learned from that experience.  I think if The Very Hungry Caterpillar were asked if he could change anything about his past, he would probably answer “No”. He became a different and slightly better caterpillar because of the tummy ache.   There is not one thing I would change about my past.  Nothing.  It is not as if I have had the most pleasant life, far from it in fact.  Some things in my past have caused me pain for years, yet they still help shaped who I am now and who I will be in the future.   


Would I be as aware of domestic violence issues, if a former spouse had not broken my nose in a fit of rage?  I doubt I would be.  If  something is not in my frame of reference I tend to not think about it.  I know I would not be so aware of major depression, its symptoms, treatments, and long term outlook, if I was not living with it myself.  Same with my anxiety disorder, diabetes, and asthma.  I know without my childhood experiences, I would have no clue about what it is like to live in an extremely dysfunctional family.  Those experiences allow me to empathize with people in similar situations, and maybe even  be able to provide them with effective support. 



Now that I finally feel like I am a grownup, I can see a few truths about myself.  I have used some negative past experiences as excuses for my own negative behaviors.  When my major depression was really bad, before I started getting treatment, I used the diabetes and asthma as excuses for why I had no interest in going anywhere, instead of being honest with people.  To some extent, I have control over my depression.  About a year before I started getting treatment for it, I knew there was something terribly wrong with me.  I even knew what it was.  I chose not to tell anyone about it.  I chose to go ahead with my suicide plans instead of telling anyone that those thoughts were going through my head.  


I wonder if The Hungry Caterpillar was afraid when he started his transformation into The Beautiful Butterfly?  I know that there have been times when I have been afraid during my own transforming process.  I have been afraid because, especially lately, I am changing a great deal.  It has caused a shift in my family dynamics.  I am most definitely not the same person my husband married.  That person went with the flow of things, allowed other people to make decisions for her, and did not stand up for herself.  Now, I am all about setting boundaries, standing up for myself, and finding and using my own voice to make decisions and participate fully with things, instead of just going with the flow all the time.


My transformation has been difficult for my husband at times.  It has caused some friction in our marriage.  There have been times when I have thought we were not going to make it through this process together.  What gives me hope that we will make it, is that I see him earnestly trying to keep up with my transformation and working on himself as well.

In my head, I keep seeing myself as a beautiful butterfly.  Not on the outside, but on the inside.  I will have a beauty inside me that I have never experienced before.  I will no longer be filled with negative thoughts, emotions, and actions.  Instead, I see my butterfly self as someone who exudes peace, tranquility, and positivity.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        &
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Picture of the Day – January 18th, 2010

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The last few years of having a mom who was “checked out” due to severe depression has been hard on my daughter, Anna. In an effort to try and rebuild that relationship and because she really enjoys taking pictures, she was given a page in my blog to show off her pictures. All the pictures you will see in this section, will have been taken by my daughter. I personally think she does an awesome job.

Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know.
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Buster and Minnie Playing

Layout Changes

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I am always learning new things about making blogs easy to navigate through and pretty to look at.  Take last night for example, I was working on a new blog, The Skippin’ Ninja, and I ran across some great tutorials.  Being the curious person I am, I had to read through them and implement a few of the things I saw.  It took me hours and hours.  I am new to the type of coding that has to be done in the blogger layouts, so there were many failures.  I did have a few successes though.

Take your time and look through the changes I made, and give me your honest opinion about them.  I am looking for things like…Does it make my blog easier to navigate?  Does it make my blog look less busy and less distracting?  Is the site pretty to look at?

I am looking forward to your comments.