Category Archives: Mental Health

Breathing Room

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Photograph taken by Anna Mashburn

The atmosphere in my household has been rather tense for the last few weeks. I think the tense feeling is a direct result of some friction between my husband and myself. I believe the friction we are experiencing is normal for couples in our situation -not enough money to go around, one of us being in therapy, raising a teenager, and work stress.  Normal or not, the stress and tension in our marriage is physically and mentally tiring for both of us. The more drained we become, the more the friction increases.

For me, all the tension and friction feels like a heavy weight. I have allowed it to bring my mood down, and affect the positive outlook on life I try and maintain. It has affected my daughter in a similar way. She can tell that we are stressed out, and it is making her feel extra stress. She has to put up with us when we are cranky. She also can tell when my husband and I are irritated with each other, making her feel uncomfortable. I am sure that it affects her mood as well.

I was at a loss for what I could do to ease some of the tension in our household. I could not make the bills go away, nor make it so my husband could bring home more money. I knew that I could not stop changing and growing and challenging myself and in turn challenging my husband. We are also stuck with a teenage daughter for a few more years. The lack of a solution was frustrating.

I began seeing my trip to my parent’s house as a way to help ease some of mine and my daughter’s tension. I knew a change of scenery would do us both good. I also had hopes that since we would be in a less stressed environment that we would be able to mentally relax. My daughter was excited about our trip for the same reasons. Neither one of us has been disappointed. Being here has had the affect that we both desired.  We both are happier and feeling significantly more relaxed. I feel like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders and my daughter has been acting as if she has a lighter load as well. Now that the oppressive tension is gone, we both feel like we have more breathing room.

The only thing I was not sure about, is how the separation would affect my husband. I was not convinced that he would be able to take the time – with less responsibilities – and relax mentally. When I spoke with him on the phone – during our first few days here – I could tell that he was still extremely tense, and stressed. Our phone conversations were full of friction and not enjoyable. However, since yesterday I have noticed that he has a more relaxed tone of voice, and seems to be enjoying his time alone. I think the extra breathing room has been good for him too.

I know that I cannot run away to my parents every time I get stressed out in my own house, but I am glad that I can come here – every once in a while – and get the mental relaxation I need. It makes me feel good to know that my husband can take advantage of this time as well. What I like best, is the positive impact this time of little to no stress has had on my daughter. I have learned that we all do better with a little extra breathing room now and then.

Chrisa's Resources

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Today, Chrisa of  The Mindstorm,  shares her favorite mental health resources with us. I know you will find the resources she has listed as interesting as I did.
The Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation – www.bpkids.org.  I don’t know if we would have survived as a family without them when Tim was first diagnosed with a mood disorder.  It’s amazing how clueless even doctors and hospitals can be.  CABF was / is a lifeline that helped us come to terms with his diagnosis, navigate the murky waters of treatment options, meds, school IEPs, etc.  Currently, this organization is attempting to get a Pepsi Refresh Grant. If you are interested in voting for them to aid them in achieving this goal, please click on this link  www.bpkids.org/pepsi
Crazy Meds – www.crazymeds.us.  If you want to know all about a psych med, this is the place.  Meds are described in plain english, with commentary from real people who’ve used the meds before on how they work and side effects.  There’s also an active forum where people can discuss meds and diagnoses with each other.
BringChange2Mind – www.bringchange2mind.org.  Not so much as a resource, as validation that speaking out about Tim’s illness was the right thing to do to get him the help he needs and break the stigma associated with mental health issues.  Tim and I were the BC2M team captains for the NAMIWalks in Chicago and Green Bay this year, and Tim proudly wore a shirt that said “bipolar” on it (they don’t make one yet that says schizoaffective).  He raised over $1,600 for the Milwaukee walk as well, and his reward from NAMI Milwaukee was walking the 3 mile route with Green Bay Packer Greg Jennings, his idol!  
Wrightslaw – www.wrightslaw.com.  Not a mental health site, but the end-all, be-all site for parents dealing with IEPs, federal IDEA law, and 504 designations.  If you have a child with a mental illness that impedes there ability to be educated in a standard public school setting, this site is THE site to walk you through the law in all 50 states.

She Watches What I Do

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Photograph taken by Anna Mashburn

Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.

~Robert Fulghum

As parents, we know that our children pay more attention to what we do than what we say. They are quick to notice when our actions do not match up with what we are saying to them. They learn what we model for them. If we model unhealthy coping skills, then those are what they are going to use in their own lives.

For most of my daughter’s life, I modeled unhealthy life skills. Through my actions, I taught her how to avoid dealing with situations, and people. I have shown her how to become paralyzed by fear and anxiety. She learned – from me – how to swallow her own needs and wants, and not have a sense of her own self worth. Consequently, as I have become more emotionally and mentally healthy, I have been concerned about how she would handle challenges in her life. I came to the conclusion that – because of what I modeled – she would probably encounter many of the same difficulties in life that I have faced. As her mother, this has made me incredibly sad for her. I have often wished that I could have a “do over”, and show her a different way to manage stress, anxiety, and emotions. I want her to have a better life than I have had. One that is not filled with fears, and depression.

What I had not taken into account when I came to that conclusion, is the impact that depression treatment has made on me. I forgot that just like she watched and learned from all my unhealthy behaviors, she has been watching me struggle to get better. She has been a first hand witness to how I have shifted from a negative outlook on life, to someone who embraces and enjoys all the experiences life has to offer. She has seen me transform into a fully functioning adult, who has healthy coping skills. She has been there when I have faced my fears and anxieties, and overcome them. She has paid attention, and noticed that I have gone from a woman who had no self worth, to one that understands her value, and speaks up for herself.

Sunday, I faced an extreme fear of mine, by driving way outside of my safety zone. My daughter was in the car with me as I did this. She watched as I faced that fear, and achieved a victory. This week I watched her do the same.  My daughter has an extreme fear of heights. She has had this fear since she was very little. On Monday, I saw her face that fear, and achieve her own great victory, by climbing into an attic . I cannot put into words how proud of her I am. Later on that day, she told me that even though she will never enjoy heights, at least she knows that if she needs to, she can successfully face that fear.

As she has watched me learn how to speak up for myself, she has learned to do the same. This week, she brought something up to me that had been bothering her. While we were working in the garage, I made an off hand remark about how it would have been nice to have my son there to help us. I did not think anything about it. I did not realize that what I said upset my daughter. When we were by ourselves later on in the day, she let me know that my comment bothered her and why. She expressed to me that for many years she felt that she could not live up to the standards that her brother had set. She said he was good at everything. He was good at sports, and school work came easy to him. She has often felt inadequate compared to him. When she heard me make my comment, she felt as if I was implying that her brother could have done a better job than she was doing. It was a moment of clarity for me. I had often felt the same way about my own brother when I was growing up. I thought that I had not set up the same set of circumstances that had caused me to feel that way. I was wrong. Some how despite my best efforts, I had created an environment where my daughter felt the same way I had when I was growing up. The only difference between the two of us is how we each managed our emotions. Instead of waiting until she was an adult before she shared how she felt with me, she did it at 14. By letting me know how she felt, I was able to talk to her and let her know how proud I am of her, and point out a few of the many wonderful things she can do. I hope that I was able to help her work though some of those feelings, so she does not have to carry them around – like a burden – for most of her life.

I have seen – first hand – the disastrous effects a mental illness can have on a family. I know how damaging it can be for a child to have a parent who has unhealthy coping skills. I have also had the joy of seeing how a parent getting emotionally and mentally healthy can dramatically improve a child’s life. As I have changed, and grown, she has as well. As I have let go of negativity, I have seen her do the same. She has put aside many of her fears, worries, and anxieties. I have been filled with joy when I have seen her go from a shy child – with low self confidence and self worth – to one who values herself. My daughter has learned to speak up for herself, and expresses her wants and needs. She has become a strong, young woman, who knows what she wants and is not afraid to express it. I think what we have ended up with is better than a “do over”. She has the benefit of seeing what life is like when someone has unhealthy coping skills and can compare it to how much better life can be when they learn a healthier way to manage their life.

Mental Health Blogger Of The Week

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This week’s Mental Health Blogger Of  The Week is Chrisa Hickey of The Mindstorm. Chrisa is the mother to three teenagers, one of whom has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. She blogs about what it is like to be the mother of a child with a mental illness, and the impact that it has on her family. I have found her blog extremely interesting to read.

Chrisa took the time to answer some questions I had for her.

At what age was your son diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder?
Tim had a lot of different diagnoses that led up to his diagnosis with Schizoaffective Disorder.  At age 4 he was diagnosed PDD-NOS, and Autism Spectrum Disorder – which I always was puzzled by, because the neurologist literally said to me, “I’d say he was Autistic, but he has excellent eye contact and a good sense of humor,” which are kind of two hallmark symptoms of an ASD.  At age 6 it was a Mixed Expressive/Receptive Language Disorder, then that and a Sensory Integration Disorder.  By age 8 it was Mood Disorder – NOS (my three least favorite letters in the English language), then at 10 it was Bipolar Disorder – NOS, Bipolar Disorder Type 1 by 11, Bipolar Disorder Type 1 with Psychotic Features by age 12, then Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Subtype by age 14.  Three independent psychiatrists, a neuropsychologist, two therapists and an LCSW all agree on that diagnosis.  I’m a firm believer in third and fourth opinions.
What was the first indication you had that there was something different about your son?

Probably at about age 2.  Tim was a good baby and was developmentally on track until he was about a year old.  We were worried that, while he seemed to understand what we talked to him about, he didn’t speak a word.  He smiled and cooed and screamed at the appropriate times, but didn’t even say Dada.  We brought it up to our pediatrician at every visit, but he chalked it up to Younger Sibling Syndrome – our oldest son “translating” for Tim so he didn’t have a need to speak.  But Tim was easily frustrated too, and not the usual terrible two tantrums.  On his first day of Pre-K we asked the teacher to tell us if she thought Tim might have some learning issues.  She called before noon.
What thoughts went through your mind when you first learned of your son’s diagnosis?
Which one?  I remember when we went from Mood Disorder to Bipolar.  Tim’s therapist was trying to get me to wrap my head around the idea that Tim needed to be hospitalized and probably on medication.  When it finally penetrated that he had a mental illness and needed more intense care, even if short term, she sprung the, “and this probably won’t be his last hospitalization,” on me.  I flipped out.  Tom (my husband) and I didn’t sleep that first night he was inpatient.  We’d failed.  We were the worst parents in the world.  His birth parents would want him back because we’d screwed up.  A lot of self-loathing.
In what ways, if any, do you believe your life has changed since his diagnosis?

It’s changed a lot.  I’ve become a walking Physician’s Desk Reference.  Tom quit his job and became a stay at home Dad when we realized something was up with Tim at age 2.  By age 8, it was apparent that was a permanent change to our family structure.  We left California because we felt we couldn’t get the services Tim needed.  We started educating ourselves, and then advocating, first for Tim, then for all kids like Tim.
What are some positive things you have learned about yourself since his diagnosis?

That I have more patience than I thought I had.  That I can multi-task well.  That my marriage is incredibly strong.  That I don’t need to do it all by myself ( I’m still digesting that last one).
In what ways do you think your son’s illness affects your mental health?

During the very unstable years, it had an impact on the entire family’s mental health.  Our oldest child spent as much time as he could out – at school, at activities, at friends, at work.  Our daughter started exhibiting symptoms of PTSD and anxiety.  I spent a year on antidepressants.  I talk a lot in my blog about how I need to be well – how any parent raising a child with a mental health issue – needs to take care of themselves, and not let it get to the point of depression, anxiety, and despair.  The hard times are hard.
What are your wishes/hopes/prayers for your son?
I hope that one day he can live semi-independently, have a life that he feels is fun and fulfilling, and understand that he is not his illness.
For you personally, what do you consider a life lived well?

When I was young and Tom and I were first married, I thought it was to be a Captain of Industry.  I strived to reach the top of the corporate ladder, because I thought that was the meaning of success.  Now, older and wiser, I strive to be the kind of mom that my children would like to be to their children.
If given the opportunity, what is something you would like to say to someone who has had a child recently diagnosed with a mental health issue/mental illness?

I co-moderate two online support groups for The Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation, and when we get a new member I usually say, your child is not his or her diagnosis.  Yes – it is life-altering news.  But that doesn’t mean our children can’t have full, meaningful lives.
Have you or your family/son ever been the victim of stigma with regards to his illness?

With Tim’s full knowledge and permission, we don’t let ourselves be in that situation.  I am very vocal about Tim’s condition because I believe knowledge is power.  That being said, Tim has experienced bullying because of his illness.
Something personal you might want to share about you and your son’s journey through life.

I spend a lot of time talking about the tough part of life with Tim, but Tim is one of the three coolest kids I know.  He’s charmed every adult he’s ever met, even the nurses on the wards who’ve dealt with him inpatient when he’s been ragingly psychotic.  He’s very creative and funny.  I actually want him to live right next door for the rest of my life.
What prompted you to begin bogging about your son and his health issue?

It was a mental health exercise for me.  I’ve been journaling all my life, but I started a blog as a marketing tool for a company I used to work for.  I wrote blog posts for that, when my mom said she always liked reading what I write, why didn’t I put my journal about Tim online?  So I did.

National Blog Posting Month

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November is National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo). I have been waiting for months to participate in it. The basic idea, is that for the month of November, I blog once a day for 30 days. There are even prizes! You can find out more about it at NaBloPoMo

I have tried – unsuccessfully – in the past to blog every day for a whole month. Something always seemed to get in the way of me being successful. I will do it this time. I want to be among those who manage to accomplish that feat during the National Blog Posting Month.

It is not too late for you to join in, and I hope you do.

The Road Trip

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I did it! I drove all the way to Augusta! I did not even experience much anxiety during the trip.

We started on our way towards Augusta around 10 Sunday morning. Dad was driving the truck, and I was driving his car. We made our one and only stop at Costco. Dad wanted to get a few things there. I also picked up some awesome tasting oriental chicken wraps there. I thought those would be a much healthier lunch than stopping to get fast food. Anna – a very picky eater – liked them, so they were a win all the way around.

Dad was not feeling well during the trip. He said that he began to feel bad on his way to Talking Rock on Saturday. I decided to follow dad to Augusta. I knew I could have made the drive without doing that, but I felt kind of bad that he had been doing all that driving while not feeling good. I thought that if he had to stop for a while because of how he felt, then he would not be alone.

The only part of the journey that had me nervous was driving through Atlanta and getting onto Interstate 20. It went fine, and there was very little traffic. It was not nearly as bad as I had made it out to be in my head. Which once again proves to me that things almost never turn out as bad as I imagine they will.

Getting onto I-20. The truck in front is my dad.

I am sure my dad drove slower than he normally would, however, I still think we made good time. We arrived in Augusta before 2 pm. Anna and I managed to find our way from the interstate to my parents house by ourselves, since my dad had to stop at the drugstore.

I accomplished what I set out to do, which was prove to myself and my family that I could drive that far of a distance from my house and gain some independence. I am very proud of myself. I am also very proud of my daughter, Anna. She was the perfect traveling companion. She was as excited about our adventure today as I was, and also was a great cheerleader.  She kept a nice conversation going while I was driving, and told me a few funny stories. She also made sure my twitter and facebook statuses were updated as we were traveling down the road.

I am looking forward to my next adventure!

A WARNING

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When you start treatment for depression, there is a vital piece of information I think many counselors are hesitant to share. It is more of a warning than just simply information. It should be given to you on a piece of paper, written in big red letters. Something like this:

I am sure there is a good reason why more counselors do not share this warning with their patients. Most likely it has to do with not scaring us away.

Many marriages end when one spouse enters mental health treatment and the other does not. Usually, the marriages are not healthy to begin with and as one person becomes more emotionally healthy it adds pressure and stress to the marriage. I think it has this effect because even bad habits and unhealthy relationships can become comfortable. When we change how we think, feel, and react to things, we are inadvertently pushing our spouses’ comfort zones. When we are in treatment, we make conscious decisions to push our own levels of comfort so that we can become healthier. It is difficult for us to do when we are doing it on purpose. I imagine it must be very difficult for our marriage partners when they feel that their comfort zones are being pushed by our changes, when they did not seek out or express a desire to have their comfort zones pushed.

The best way for me to describe how they must feel when they are confronted by our changes and the discomfort it causes them, is to use myself as an example. Most of us with a mental health issue/mental illness have had our comfort zones invaded by other people or situations. In my case, when that happened, I experienced a great deal of anxiety, worry, and sometimes even anger because it felt like I was being emotionally violated. My guess is that is often how our spouses feel when our efforts to become emotionally healthy directly challenge what they have become comfortable with.

In the face of such stress and pressure, I know it would seem easier for us to fall back into those old – but comfortable – patterns of behavior. On the surface it would seem like a good solution for a shaky marriage. However, I think that once we have even gotten the smallest taste of what it feels like to be more emotionally healthy, it would be hard for us to “settle” for anything that would compromise that. It could in fact cause us to have a huge set back in maintaining our own mental health.

When we get married we make choices to settle for certain types of behavior from ourselves and our spouses. I would like to think that even in healthy marriages there is some type of settling – maybe compromising is a better word – for certain behaviors. We choose to overlook bad behavior in ourselves and our partners for the sake of having a perceived peace in the marriage. Sometimes we make the choice to overlook things because it is easier than feeling like we are battling our loved one all the time. Whatever the reason, it usually sets up a pattern of unhealthy behavior from both people.

There comes a time in our treatment process where we begin to understand that maintaining our own mental health is important. Vitally important. We know that if we do not maintain good mental health, we are also compromising our physical health. Understanding this makes us feel compelled to do what we can to get and stay emotionally healthy. That means we have to make choices about how to achieve and maintain that emotional stability. Just like in any other situation where we can make choices, there are going to be consequences. It is up to us to decide what consequences we are willing to live with.

If we choose to go for the option of being as emotionally healthy as we can be, then one of our consequences could be that our marriage might end. Rising to the challenge of meeting us where we are in attempting to be in a healthier mental state, might be more than our spouses are capable of doing. This does not mean they are a bad or an uncaring person. It just means that they may not have the tools and/or lack the desire to work toward the same goal we are. As difficult as it is to come to terms with that possible consequence, I believe that it is something that most of us in mental health/mental illness treatment must face if we are determined to be healthier.

Even with believing all of that, and encountering the struggles in my marriage that I have, I also believe that there are times when our spouses can have an epiphany and realize that change can be a good thing. Part of the way they can achieve that epiphany is through our choices to no longer tolerate certain unhealthy behaviors. Taking a stand on certain things will add to any friction and stress going on at the time. However, I believe that if we can do it and be consistent about it, and not be any harsher than the situation calls for, then there is a significant possibility that our spouses will eventually reach a point where they desire the same change that we do.

No matter which way everything plays out, we will be more emotionally and mentally healthy. That is what I hold on to. That is what gives me hope in the face of my current marriage struggles. The knowledge that as difficult as things seem right now, there is hope and health in whatever consequence I may end up with.

A Good Week

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I really like how this week has gone, for the most part. There have been a few challenges, my internet service being sort of spotty has been one of them. I think I have handled most of the challenges this week with a decent attitude. Not perfect, but certainly not close to the mental melt down I probably would have had in the past given the same set of circumstances.

I think the high light of my week was my group therapy. My counselor heads up the group, and has respected our wishes to keep it women only. I believe it makes us all feel more comfortable with sharing what is going on with us. This week when we had group, it felt more like a group of women chatting about our lives than a mental health therapy session. I liked that. I liked it because it felt so normal.

One of the other big things that happened this week was that I actually went over to someone’s house. It was remarkable because I have not done that in years. The lady that lives across the road from me, and also is in my group therapy let me come over and use her internet connection. I met her roommate and a friend of theirs. It was good for me. I did not feel nervous, or as if I did not belong there.

Things went well with my psychiatrist too. I have not had any problems with the Zoloft, and we decided to keep gradually increasing the dose until I am taking a 200 mg dose. From what the psychiatrist says, that is still a low dose for Zoloft. She also said she did not believe that it would cause the same problems that Effexor did. She told me that it was an older drug in the SSRI class of medications and in her experience, it did not usually cause problems with blood sugar and blood pressure.

One benefit to taking the Zoloft that I had not counted on is I seem to one of the 11% of people whose appetite is drastically reduced by it. That is a huge change from the Effexor. No more late night hunger, and I eat about half to slightly less than half when I sit down and have a meal. I had already lost some weight from being able to be more active, having less of an appetite should help me with some weight loss goals I have.

The one really yucky thing that occurred this week, is that it appears another MRSA infection has popped up. The first one I had was under my left breast, sort at the spot where you would put a heart monitor lead. This one has shown up on the side of my left breast. This one is a bit different than the first one. The first one had to be lanced to allow the infection to come out, and I had to take antibiotics. This one seems to have decided to drain on its own. It looks even uglier than the first one did. I am going to watch it over the next few days. If it looks worse or does not start looking better then I will see a doctor and get some more oral antibiotics. My hope is that since it began draining on its own, that the infection will come out without me having to take antibiotics again. It is painful, but at least it is not as painful as the first one was.

Jia's Strategy

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I do not know about ya’ll, but I have really enjoyed reading everything Jia has shared with us this week. It is amazing to think, there have been two fellow bloggers in a row that I have so much in common with. It makes me feel less alone.

Today Jia of Color Me UnTypical is sharing her “bad day” strategies with us.

To account for my bad days, I do as much as I can on my good days. I do as much housework as I can on my good days and do what I can to get by when I’m not feeling so good. I’d rather say, “I accomplished loading the dishwasher!” Instead of, “I thought about cleaning the house and then got completely overwhelmed because there’s a todo list of about a thousand different things and I don’t have time for any of them.”

I make simple meals ahead of time and freeze them. That way if I’m not up to putting together a lunch for my husband, there’s one already made. I also freeze almost all of my fresh bought veggies because sometimes I’ll hit a slump where I won’t cook for a few days and then everything goes bad. I’d rather have it frozen than growing moldy in the fridge.

If my husband and I are out in public and I feel a panic attack coming on, we have a secret phrase that I use that lets him know that I need to get out of there. That’s usually his cue to politely excuse us from whatever situation we’re in, without bringing attention to me.

I also keep music that helps me deal with things on my phone. I know I always have my phone, so if something happens and I need to quickly distract myself, I can pull out my phone and listen to some music. No one really pays attention to the person with headphones on, but they do look at the girl who’s counting ceiling tiles and scratching her fingers raw cause she’s having a panic attack.

Another trick I’ve learned is to keep a journal. Not a regular journal, just something to dump my thoughts into. Every morning when I wake up, I open my journal and just let words flow. If I don’t have anything on my mind, I just write down thoughts and words as they appear. Most of it doesn’t even make sense, but it’s almost a way to reboot my brain. Empty out the garbage so I can start my day off with a clean slate.

Jia Shares

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Today Jia of Color Me Untypical shares with us a post she had written previously on her blog. Rather than put her reasons why she is exceptionally proud of her post and what it represents in my words, I am going to show you exactly what she said to me about what she had written. Jia wrote:

“I’m proud of this post for a very strange reason.

About a week previous to this one, I had a very big accomplishment in dealing with agoraphobia and OCD, but this one, this one shows a break. And the breaks are real. They can’t and shouldn’t be ignored. This break shows me that I survived a very dark day.

The good days are easy to write about. They make us feel normal. It’s the bad days where we have to dig deep to find the courage, the healing, and the motivation to keep going.”

Keeping Me Down

Babysteps.

One out the front door.
One down the street.
One step to overcome fear.
One step to fight anxiety.
One step to say no to depression.
One step, straight into a wall built by OCD . . .
Depression returns, anxiety controls and fear swallows me whole.

I try to be lighthearted. I try to find the silver lining.
I try to let humor, and not anger, control my thoughts.

But when it comes down to it, I hate OCD.
It lies to me. But it’s so convincing.

OCD tells me that there is a great big red wall that I cannot climb.
There is no wall there.
But OCD lies so well that I can actually see it. Touch it. Feel it.

Other people walk into a garden and they see a poisonous snake.
They feel fear. They feel anger. They want to attack.
They want to run away.

OCD tells me that walking into a disorganized situation is poisonous.
It makes me fear. It makes me angry. It makes me want to attack.
It makes me want to run away.

It’s as real to me as any physical predator

Last week I learned to crawl.

This week I tried to run.

Skipped a very important step along the way.

I fell.

I fell hard.

Bruised and broken, but not dead.

The last time I fell, I was sure I was gone forever.
There was no coming back.
But now I know the signs.
I ran away from the fire of a bad situation fast.
Not fast enough to escape without burns and scars.
But fast enough to live.

Sometimes I wish these mental handicaps were physical.
Then people might see me, and understand.

Understand that when you fall, your brain tells you that you’re in pain.
Mine tells me that I am worthless, useless, broken …
And it hurts.
Even if most of the time I don’t agree.
It still hurts.

Yesterday, my body started failing me. Legs giving out. Knees buckling. Feet . . . . felt broken.
My body gave out hours after the rest of me did.
The physical pain came much later than the mental pain. The emotional pain. The fear. The anger. The confusion.

Someone kindly said, “I hope you’re knee heals soon.”
Assuming that I was injured.
I smiled. Kind words from a stranger.
A stranger who had no idea the severity of my wounds.
That I had stopped feeling the pain in my knee long ago.

“Get over it.”
“Count your blessings.”
“There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

These are just words.
You don’t understand.

And because you don’t understand, it’s so hard to explain.
I wish it was as easy as having the willpower.
I wish I was normal.

I wish I wasn’t broken.

I wish I could be like everyone else.
But with red hair.

Thank God for a husband who may not understand, but tries.
A man who loves me despite my battle scars.
Who sticks by me through this constant war.
A man who painfully, regretfully, suffers with me.

Thank God for friends who know.
Friends who live it with me.
Friends who have crumbled, shattered and survived.

Who know that symptoms can come and go.
Friends who speak OCD.
Who speak depression.
Who understand mental metaphors.
Who understand my language.

I am NOT alone.

I will heal again.
I will.

You can find Jia’s original post at Color Me UnTypical – Keeping Me Down