After seeing something that @SusieKline posted on Twitter, I have decided to get my favorite chocolate and do a review on it for my Saturday Blog post. I thought it would be fun to see if anyone else wanted to do a review of their favorite chocolate as well. Let me know if you would like to join in and I will even make a badge for us to have on our blogs.
So looking forward to eating chocolate and blogging about it.
As most of you know, recently I had a detour in my Depression Recovery. I went back to once a week counseling sessions and we had to assess whether or not I needed a higher dose of my medications.
It has been a rather stressful time for me. At times I could emotionally handle what has been going on really well, and at other times I felt as if I was coming unglued around the edges. Logically, I could tell myself what I was going through was a normal part of the Depression Recovery process, but on a more emotional level it was depressing and kind of made me mad. How dare my depression try and fight back when I have done so much work to manage it? Part of me was convinced that this detour was going to cause me to take many steps back in my Depression Recovery.
Then something happened…
What happened was that nothing happened. I did not come all the way unglued. I did not have suicidal thoughts. I did not lose total control of my thinking and my emotions. I did not end up back in a psychiatric hospital. Nothing happened. Nothing.
hmmm….Wow! All the things that I thought might happen if/when I had a detour did not. In some ways it was sort of a let down. I had put so much into anticipating how all these bad things would happen if I ever had a detour (what I considered a set back), and yet they did not. It was as if the comedian forgot the punch line of the joke. I felt as if I had been left hanging, because nothing happened.
This week, during a counseling session, I discovered something had happened. What happened is that I learned that I could have a bad day, even a few bad days, and it did not have to mean that something was going wrong with my Depression Recovery.
My plan now is to simply enjoy the scenery, to quit anticipating the bad stuff, and see what else I can learn from this detour I am on. Sometimes we learn more when we take the scenic route rather than always taking the shortest road to our destination.
At twenty-one I was a single parent to a one year old boy, lived with my parents, and was going to college. Parts of my life were difficult but not really hard. At that time, I thought I had been through the worst of what I would encounter in life, and everything from that point on would be gravy. I was wrong.
My life from the time I was twenty-one has not always been pleasant, some of it was because of the choices I made, some from choices others made for me, and some was a combination of the two. There have been times in my life when I wished I could go back and do things differently, but not anymore. The past is the past and there is not a thing I can do about it.
However, if I could offer my 21 year old self some advice, there are a few things I would like to say to my younger self.
If you had the opportunity, what would you say to your 21 year old self?
My time management and organization is going much better. In the last two weeks I only had to call my counselor’s office once to find out when I had an appointment. I had lost the card and could not remember the information to put on the sticky note on my computer screen. I experienced less stress because of that. I was not worried about making sure I called in time so I did not miss my session.
My time management skills were really put to the test this last week. I had several freelance writing assignments and I had to turn them in by a specific deadline. That meant I had to manage my time well and prioritize my activities, so I had plenty of time to get my work done.
I remembered to purchase my little reminder notes notebook. Actually, my daughter helped me to remember, but the point is I did finally get it.
My time management goal for this week is to once again get several blog posts scheduled to post automatically, so if I get busy again, I still have something going out.
It is time for Thankful Five again. Doing this every week has become one of my favorite things to do. It makes me feel so good finding things to be Thankful for. It has proven to be a great form of therapy for me when my days are not going quite as well as I would like for them to.
What are you thankful for? I would love to hear about it.
I had a fun day out with my husband and daughter on Saturday. That was the first time in a long time that I have enjoyed being away from the house for that long. We rambled around doing nothing in particular, just goofing off. It was not my first choice of what I wanted to do, I wanted to be at home working on my blog, catching up on blog reading and writing. However, something dawned on me last week. My husband was feeling like I was ignoring him because I had gone out all day with my mom a couple of Saturdays ago, and while he was out of town this week I went out with my grandmother and daughter. I think he felt that if I could force myself out of the house for those people, then I should be able to force myself out of the house for him. In a way, I think he was correct. Just because I do not want to go somewhere does not mean that I should not. I felt as if I needed to compromise more, but also make it clear that there would be some days that I would not go places. I also needed to set some boundaries up if we were to go places together more often. I prefer only one or two destinations in a day out. Much more than that and I get a little nutty. Also with it being as hot as it is, my feet swell up and quite frankly they hurt pretty bad when they do. I think my compromising today allowed my boundary setting with him to have more impact, because he could see I was willing to compromise on some things. In fact, he got a phone call after we got home from picking up some medications for me, and he had to run out again. Because of my boundary setting he knew that I was done with running around today. So when he left, there was none of the usual him begging me to go with him and etc., he just told me he loved me and would be back in a little bit. Which meant a whole lot less stress for me.
This further emphasizes the error of my ways. I have been demanding that my boundaries be met, without taking into consideration what other people’s needs and wants might be. This is not to say that I should not set boundaries, it just proves to me that I need to be more considerate of other people at the same time I am looking out for myself.
This is a picture of my daughter…..
She is a very intelligent, and in my opinion, pretty young lady. It did not dawn on me until this evening that she is at an age that other people might find her attractive as well. Namely….TEENAGE BOYS!!!
We were eating at BoJangles this evening, and some how our order got messed up. A young man who worked there was asked to bring us the items that were left out of what we had ordered. He came to our table and would not leave…he stayed there and kept talking to my husband and daughter, especially my daughter. I realized that he was trying to flirt with her, however, it totally went over my head that she thought he was cute, until after he left our table….finally. I said something to my daughter like “That boy is weird”. She got all red in the face and said she thought he was pretty funny. It is hard for me to picture my daughter who I still think of like this…
as being old enough to think boys are cute. I have made the decision to buy myself a rather powerful cattle prod so I can use it on any boy that attempts to even look at her when I am around. That should take care of anyone wanting to date her until I am mature enough to deal with it.
I am so glad I got to see my counselor on the same day that my water went away. It was not an emergency session, it happened to be one already scheduled. I think that is great how that worked out. I had been sort of bummed to be back to once a week sessions, but not anymore. I know that things happen for a reason, and if I had not been back to once a week sessions it is possible I might not have seen her the same week I had a huge anxiety problem.
Part of my anxiety on that day came from the fact that in my effort to pack things up to go to my grandmother’s house, I was also packing several food items. I had to pack them because with no water I could not really cook them here, and food is just too expensive to let it go to waste sitting in my fridge. Especially, when I know grandma enjoys my cooking. When I got to my grandma’s house, I realized I had left a roast sitting out on the counter. Which meant, that in my frazzled state, I became more frazzled and had to go back to my house, forgetting my house key, and break into my own home to rescue the poor, forgotten roast. Then before I was to leave grandma’s and go to my counseling session, I realized that I had forgotten my restless leg medicine sitting where it always does in the living room. I had two choices at that point. I could either 1. get the medicine and then rush to the counselor’s office for my appointment and be even more frazzled when I got there, or 2. I could get the medicine after the counseling session when I could take my time. The problem with choice number two is that by that time I was so out of sorts that I knew I would sit through my session with a worry in the back of my mind about getting that medicine. An unnecessary worry, because I knew that I would be able to get that medicine after the session, but when I am in that state my worries rarely make any sense. I went with choice number two, so I would not run the risk of being late for my appointment.
I told my counselor all the things that were causing me to feel like I was coming un-glued around the edges. She had a very simple, but for me difficult, solution. What she advised me to do, is that no matter how stress filled a situation is, if there are going to be things that I am going to have to remember, then I need to write them down. That way even when my brain is going in all directions I can still remember the things I need to. That is going to require me to actually sit down, be calm, and organize my thoughts during a time, when my natural reaction would be to run around like a crazy person chicken with its head cut off.
Now if I can only remember to get the notebook that is supposed to help me remember things.
Farrol came home and was able to fix the well pump. He said there had been a fire, but fortunately the breaker kicked off, which kept it from destroying the whole pump system. Of course about the time he was able to get out there and start working on the electrical unit, a nice thunder storm with loads of rain came through. The silly man kept working, and neither he or his assistant, Anna, were injured in the repair job. All of my worries about the hot water heater being destroyed or the part of the pump way down in the well being fried were completely unfounded.
Farrol believes the ants are at fault for the fire. Every year these rather large black ants try to move into the well house. I guess if I were an ant I would want to as well. It is protected from the elements, relatively cool, and damp, and most of the time there are no icky humans messing around in it. Maybe it is sort of the Summer vacation spot for ants.
There is a very good reason I have been mostly absent from my usual internet hang out spots. I was actually given not one but two freelance writing jobs. I was paid $25 for each assignment. That may not seem like big money to some of you, but for me it is. It was work I could do from home, so no gas was spent getting to my place of employment. The person who gave me the work is someone who has been a big, huge, enormous inspiration to me in even attempting to try my hand at freelance writing. Emcogneato is the one who trusted me enough to pass me the work, so I would appreciate if you would go spam leave her some comment love.
The money I made represents more than just money to me. It is the first money I have earned, all by myself (there was a church cleaning job, but my family helped with that) in fourteen years or more. It sort of represents a new beginning for me, part of a long line of new beginnings that have happened over the last year. I might have to get all sentimental and tacky and print out a copy of my paypal account and have it framed. That way the first money I ever made in my pajamas can be memorialized.
I am not comfortable in my own skin. The obvious reason is that I am over weight, however, even when I was much younger and skinnier, I was not comfortable in my own skin. I am not sure why that is. I look back at pictures of me and I see an attractive person, with a cute figure and an appearance of having a bubbly personality.
Maybe the reason I have never been happy with how I looked is that I was generally not happy. I kept a lot hidden from the people in my life even back then. Things like, how ugly I thought I was, how I did not think I was intelligent, and how inadequate I felt when I compared myself to other people. My negative internal dialogue was active even back then.
I would enjoy reaching a point in my life where I am comfortable in my own skin. I believe that being ok with myself has little to do with what size I am, but more to do with my own feelings of self worth. This is not to say that I do not need to lose weight, I realize that I do. It is more about being ok with myself and not basing my body image on other people’s opinions.
I believe becoming comfortable in my own skin, no matter my size, will come along, but that it is probably going to take some extra time. In the meantime, since I am finished with making excuses for not exercising, I will put some time and effort into that. As well as doing a few other things that make me feel good about myself.
The time has come for me to actually do something proactive in an effort to lose some weight. I know how to lose weight, I have lost a significant amount before. I had motivation then, and less excuses. Now I have excuses and no motivation. Some of my excuses are legitimate, but they are still excuses. I think what I need to do is for every excuse I do have, legitimate or not, I need to find a phrase or word that counters it. I have no great expectations for losing as much as I have before, or being as skinny as I was before marriage. I just want to lose some so I feel better.
Excuses
If you have any suggestions for phrases or words that counter these excuses, please feel free to let me know. Next week I will post a follow up with all the phrases that counter the excuses, including some that ya’ll submit.
Now that it has been over year since my suicide attempt, I have some clarity about my depression. There are some parts of it I can vividly recall, while other parts are a bit fuzzy. I think the reason parts of it are fuzzy is because of how severe my depression was. Depression does mess with your memory, and it very well could be my brain trying to protect me from some of the pain.
For me, looking back, I remember how my depression made me feel so physically awful. That physical feeling was so bad that it scares me to even contemplate a return to that state of being. My body ached all over. I was exhausted all the time. My stomach hurt. I had many migraines and felt nauseous often. It was as if my depression had filled me up so much that it was oozing out of my body, much like the way pus oozes out of an infection.
It felt as if I only had two emotions, extreme anger and extreme sadness. My brain hurt from these extremes. There were many days where I was so sad that all I could do was cry and when I was not crying, I would feel like crying. I would cry from guilt over a past action, I would cry about my son and how he left home. Sometimes,I would cry for no reason. Then there were those truly horrible days when my extreme anger at myself manifested itself to such a degree, that I took it out on other people. I said and did terrible things. I knew what was coming out of my mouth was bad, but I had no control over it. Then I would feel so much guilt about what I had said and done that I would start feeling that extreme sadness again. It was a vicious cycle, and it seemed like there was no way to stop it.
Then there was that mean, little voice in my head. That little voice that sounded like my own, and it kept saying nasty, spiteful things to me. Things like, I was not good enough to have such a wonderful family, or that I deserved all the pain I was feeling. Then it began filling my head, heart and soul with dark thoughts of death. It kept on and on, until all I could hear was that mean, little voice telling me what a loser I was, and how I really should not be alive to be a burden to my family.
Those dark and terrible days weighed so heavily on me that even my soul felt worn out. I felt as if I was a soulless creature, and when someone feels as if they have no soul they have no hope.
I cannot just leave this post on such a sad note. I did this as a writing assignment for Writing Workshop. I chose to do it, because I thought it might benefit people to see how all encompassing depression is.
I am a far cry from how I was when my depression made me feel that bad. Today, I have hope, satisfaction, and my soul feels refreshed.
