Double Standard – One set of special rules for a favored group or person and a set of unfair rules for other groups or another person

The last year and half has been a time full of a great deal of change and internal inspection for me.  I discovered things about myself that I like immensely and I have discovered things about myself that I have been working hard to dispose of.  One of the things I have been working hard to get rid of, is my use of double standards.

For a great deal of my life I have had one set of rules for myself and another set for other people. Almost without fail, I applied the unfair rules to myself and the special (better) rules to other people. I would let someone speak or treat me inappropriately, and because I had to follow the unfair rules I would  not allow myself to tell them what they just did or said was inappropriate.  I would not set boundaries with them, and if it even crossed my mind to treat them like they treated me, it could be guaranteed that I would spend an extreme amount of effort beating myself up.

I felt that I was justified in the way I chose to use my double standard.  I did not feel as if I was equal to other people.  I felt less worthy.  So it made it okay to let them get away with what they were doing.  My double standard was so obvious to others, that even my son has felt that it was okay to treat me inappropriately and my rules allowed him to do it.

It became clear to me that if I was going to continue to progress in my journey towards mental wellness, that things were going to have to change.  I needed to get rid of my double standard and expect and demand to be treated in a respectful, and dignified manner.  This proved to be extremely difficult for me.  I still had a problem with self worth, and I still believed that I was not equal to other people.  Not to mention, to speak up to people I considered adults (even though I was one), especially ones that I considered authority figures was almost impossible.  To me it felt disrespectful to the authority figure if I made them aware of how they were treating and talking to me.

I started simply and even before I felt worthy of respect.  I set boundaries that were clear.  No one would talk to me or treat me inappropriately without me saying something about it.  It was an interesting thing.  Just by not using my double standard anymore, my self worth instantly grew a notch.  It was as if once I began treating myself as if I deserved dignity and respect, I began to believe I did.

I no longer feel as if I am going around with a sullen and sad expression on my face.  I no longer feel that I am not equal to other people.  I no longer feel as if I deserve to be treated by the unfair rules.  I speak up for myself, and people in my life treat me exactly as I want to be treated and how I treat them

Have you ever applied a double standard in your life?  Were you the one you applied the set of unfair rules to?  If so, why do you think you did that?

I am on way more medication than the average person, in addition I believe my chosen suicide attempt method messed up my brain to some extent.  As a result of those things, my balance can be pretty bad at times.  This morning was a reminder to me about just how bad my balance is.

We are still in Augusta, at my parents house.  Farrol (my husband) and I were heading out to pick up biscuits for everyone.  A couple of houses down from my parents a new family is moving in.  The father was trying to get a UHaul truck up his driveway but he was having some difficulty. Farrol walked down there to give the family a hand with getting the truck up to the top of the driveway.  Initially, I stayed at the car, then I changed my mind.  I stepped off the curb to walk down the road and I am not sure quite what happened.

The next thing I am aware of is my face being firmly planted on the road, my glasses flying off of my face and both my hands and one knee being in pain. When my husband saw me laying on the road, he got scared ran to where I was and helped me up.  My nose is scraped up, under my nose is cut and it is hard to tell from my pictures, but my chin is scrapped up too.  My face hurts.  There is some swelling, fortunately not too much.

All in all, considering I did not even get my hands out to stop myself and my face hit the pavement, the damage is minor.  The only troublesome thing is that I really do not remember the fall itself.  I just remember standing up right and then my nose is on the pavement and out of the corner of my eye I can see my glasses flying.

Now that it has been a couple of hours since I fell, my body is definitely getting sore.  Sore back, sore neck, sore arms….ugh!

I found a great post written by Gina Newberry of It’s How She Rolls.  In it she describes how she took an inventory of her marriage and was surprised to find that the things she and her husband are doing right far outweigh the things they are doing wrong.  After sharing ten things they are doing right, Gina was bold and honest enough to share one thing they are doing wrong.  I thought it was such a great and insightful post that I decided to do my own Marriage Inventory.

1. We are committed to each other. There have been times when either one of us would have been justified if we had walked away from the marriage.  We have had some pretty rocky times.  However, our commitment to each other was stronger than our desire to end things because we were behaving badly.
2. We are affectionate with one another. We hold hands, hug each other, and kiss to show our affection to each other.  I have to admit my husband is better at this than I am.  However, I really try and make an effort to show him the affection he deserves.
3. We say, “I love you”, to each other multiple times a day. Every morning before my husband leaves for work we say, “I love you”.  We also do that at the end of every phone call, when one of us gets home after having been some where, and sometimes we say it just because we want to.
4. We laugh together. My husband and I love to sit and laugh with each other.  Whether it is a story we are telling the other one that makes us laugh, or something we found on the internet together, even at something our daughter may have said, we enjoy the bonding that laughing together brings us.
5. We encourage each other. We want what is best for one another.  I want my husband to be happy and he wants me to be happy.  We encourage each other when it comes to our dreams and goals in life.
6. We spend time with each other. For many reasons, it is very difficult for us to have a date night, however, we do try and set aside some time every evening to spend with each other.  Most of the time, it is really just something simple like sitting next to each other on the couch and watching TV, but we are still spending it together.  Sometimes my husband will ask me to read him something from my blog, other times we just sit there and hold hands.
7. We talk to each other. This is a big thing for us, mostly because of me.  I would have no problem going for days without saying a word out loud.  However, that is not good for a marriage or any relationship for that matter.  We are taking more time to talk to each other about the little things.
8. We have respect for each other. We try and treat each other with respect at all times. From how we talk with each other, to doing things for the other person, we try and make sure the other person feels respected.
9. We work well together. Together we work like a team.  He helps me out in areas where I might lack confidence and I do the same for him.
10. We make big decisions together. So that the other person does not feel left out or that their opinion does not matter, we make all big decisions together.

My husband and I do love each other very much.  We try and do everything just right in our marriage, but we are human.  There is no way we can do it just right all the time.  There is more than just one thing that we are doing wrong in our marriage, however, I am only going to share one, the one that I think is most important for us to work on.

1. We do not listen to each other as well as we should. There are too many times where we have not taken the time that we should have and really listened to the other person.  This causes conflict between us.  We are working on this, and we are getting better at listening to each other.