Protecting What I Have Gained

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I do not know about other people who live with depression but I very often feel as if I have less control over my depression when my environment is negative.  The negativity could be caused by people’s drama, certain songs on the radio, movies, or even television shows.

Being so new in my depression recovery, not even a year, I know that it would be very easy for me to have a serious set back and lose a lot of the ground I have gained so far in my recovery.  In an effort to protect that, I have made certain ground rules for myself to keep my environment as positive as possible.

1.  No drama.  Family or otherwise.  If someone attempts to draw me into their drama, I close off communication.  Sometimes permanently, sometimes only temporarily.  It just depends on how drama prone the person is.  I know how I am.  Drama feeds into the anger I have, which then feeds into my rage, I say something I regret, whic then feeds into my depression.  Or the drama just flat out depresses me.

2.  No surrounding myself with negative people with negative thoughts and actions.  I have even gone so far as to forbid negative comments from my family.  Constructive advice is good, negative comments are bad.  That includes gossiping about others.  Gossip is negative.  I strictly follow the rule of “if you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all”. 

3.  I always look for at least three positive things for every not so wonderful situation.  Sometimes finding three positive things is difficult or impossible, but I always attempt to find those three things.  That way I am always guaranteed to have a minimum of one positive thing about every situation.  Sometimes the positive things are silly.  For example, when it looked like I might have to be in the hospital for Christmas, one of the nurses decided to help me decorate my room and I was looking forward to seeing Santa Claus in the hospital on Christmas day. 

4.   I will no longer watch certain types of television shows or movies and a lot of times I will not watch the news.  This is not to isolate myself, as has been implied by some people, but it is an effort to keep my surroundings as positive as possible.  Real life human tragedies cause me to react in an over exaggerated emotional manner.  To put it plainly, other people’s tragedies become mine and I react to them as if they were mine.  It is debilitating.  I am in no way ready to be put in that situation yet.  I have yet to watch one single bit of news about Haiti, I see headlines go across my RSS feed ticker.  That is enough for me right now.  


Same with movies and television shows. If they show human tragedy, I cannot watch them.  Recently, I watched my Sister’s Keeper.  It was a wonderful movie.  However, for a couple of days after seeing it, I was depressed.  None of the previews prepared me for the ending.  




Following these rules, as best as I can, does help me.  What I have gained so far in my depression recovery is very precious to me.  I guard it as best as I can on a daily basis.  There are days when I do have slip ups and I “break” one of my own rules.  I never beat myself up about it.  I acknowledge to myself that I messed up and just move on.


Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.”
–– Ralph Waldo Emerson

If anyone wants to, I would love to hear what other people do to maintain a positive attitude.

Oy Vey

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Yesterday was not one of my better days.  I felt very down for most of the day.  I lacked a great deal of motivation.  Even my blog was difficult for me to work on.  I try and write some parts of my blog the day before I want to post them, so I can be sure to get my blog out as early as possible on the day I want it posted.  That did not happen.  I am still working on even the simplest sections this morning.  It is important for me to work, if possible, through those bad days.  It takes my mind off of myself and lets me focus on other things.  Focusing on other things than myself yesterday was a huge struggle. 

This morning started off not as good as I would have liked.  I woke up around four in the morning.  Buster the boxer was already awake.  He was walking around the house.  I did not think anything about it and I was drifting back off to sleep.  When I was half way asleep, I thought I heard water coming out of a faucet.  At first I thought I was dreaming, then I thought it was from a water faucet.  Then I remembered we had not left any water on because it was not cold enough for us to worry about.  I got up to investigate.  

What I discovered is that Buster the boxer had decided to drink a ton of water during the  night and filled up his bladder.  He knows he is not supposed to go to the bathroom in the house, but I guess his bladder got so full he could not hold it anymore.  There was a trail of pee all through the house.  I followed the trail and found him by the door.  He seemed to have a look of horror on his face, because of the trail of pee, and if dogs could cross their legs, his certainly would have been crossed.  He was very happy when I let him out.  I was very unhappy at having to clean up the trail of pee.   

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The culprit, Buster the boxer

Sleeping Like A Baby

ConversationsWithMoms:Every day Conversations with a Mom Blog

I get very frustrated with this habit I have of just falling asleep, especially when it happens while I am blogging.  I know it happens because of my medications.  However, it is still frustrating.  I can be full of ideas of what to put on my blog, writing along with speed and smoothly, and the next thing I know I am waking up.  It always derails my thought processes and seems to take me so long to get back into the groove of things.  I need to learn to not let this frustrate me.  

On a funny note, my daughter has a habit of taking pictures of me when I do that.

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Ten Things That Helped With My Anxiety

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My anxiety used to be very bad.  I would wake up every morning with a knot in my stomach, knowing something horrible would happen.  At its worse, I could barely leave my house.  If I could manage to leave my house then I could not leave a certain square mile area.  If any attempt was made to take me out of my safe area, then I would have a panic attack.  I even went so far as to arrange it so I did not leave my house for six months.  My imagination would also cause panic attacks.  I could imagine the most horrible things, and for me they would feel real.  

Everyday for me was a nightmare really.  My anxiety invaded every part of my life.  It clouded how I perceived reality.  

Once we finally found a set of medications that worked for me and I had been taking them for a while, and I had been in counseling for a while, I did start noticing that I had less anxiety.  I could leave the house more often, I still had to stay in the safe area.  I worried less.  I felt less tense.


I quit worrying about my anxiety.  It was not in the forefront of my mind all the time anymore.  One day when my mother and I were out to lunch together, I suddenly realized that I was outside of my safe area and I was experiencing no anxiety. 

I started taking stock of things.  It dawned on me that for the first time in years, I was relaxed.  The yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach was gone.  Even that horrible habit I had of imagining myself into a panic attack was gone.  The only symptom I have left is that I still startle easily.

Between my medications, and my counseling I have achieved a state peace that most likely I have never experienced in my life.  It feels good.


I want to say that, in my opinion, there is hope for people who have a debilitating anxiety disorder.  I know that it will take some people longer than it took me to get to a less anxious place, and it will take some people a shorter amount of time. It will not be easy, and having to go outside comfort zones will be important. 

Here is a list of things that has been working for me, when trying to get in control of my anxiety disorder.
 

1.  Being patient with yourself is very important when you are trying to recover from an anxiety disorder.  Recovering from an anxiety disorder is a long process, do not add to your anxiety by being impatient with yourself.  


2.  Take one day at a time.  Do not think about how you are going to deal with the tomorrow, just concern yourself with getting through today.  

3.  Do not be hard on yourself when you have a set back.  We are all going to have set backs.  I like to think of setbacks as just a little extra practice.  

4.  Keep or find a sense of humor, you will need it.  Remember laughter is good medicine.

5.  Frequently take big deep breaths in and then slowly let it out.  Believe it or not it does help.  It is like giving yourself a pause before you deal with something.

6.  Be up front with your family and friends about the things that trigger your anxiety.  Loud voices, crowds, and coming up behind me are just some of the triggers I have that will lead to me either having a panic attack or make me feel anxious.  

7.  Even if you are feeling better, take any anxiety medication you are prescribed and go to counseling.  One of the things the counselor can do for you is give you tools and help you find solutions to dealing with your anxiety disorder.

8.  Do not have unrealistic expectations for yourself.  I used to think that I would reach a point where I never having any anxiety symptoms again.  Now, I understand that in some areas I will probably always have some anxiety, however, I will know how to cope with it better.

9.  If one of the ways you experience anxiety is through excessive worrying, then set aside a couple of times a day where you are allowed to worry.  The rest of the time, no worrying is allowed.  I know this sounds weird but it was a home work assignment given to me by my counselor and it works.  I am allowed two times a day to worry.  In the morning and in the afternoon (not close to bedtime though) I am allowed to worry about anything I want.  It gets the worry out, but then does not allow it to take over your mind and day.

10. If you find your anxiety is overwhelming you, call your counselor.  If your counselor is not available call a family member, call a friend, call someone that can help calm you down and deal with your anxiety until you can talk to your counselor. 

Diabetes And Me

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I am an insulin dependent diabetic.  What that means is that, among other things, I have to give myself insulin injections on a daily basis. 

One of the things I quickly learned after I was diagnosed with diabetes is that there is math involved in managing your diabetes.  The ironic thing is, I really dislike math, and now I am stuck having to do it every day, several times a day.  I keep thinking of all those math teachers who said I would use a specific type of math one day, and how I blew off what they said.   The teachers in my head are now saying “I told you so”. 

My day starts off with a stick in the finger.  Before coffee, before breakfast, before anything else I have to get some blood out of my finger and test it to see how high my blood sugar is.  I do not care how many 1000’s of times I have stuck myself in the finger, it still hurts.  A lot of times it hurts more than my insulin injections do.  


If everything, insulin, medications, and meal planning, worked out the way they were supposed to, my blood sugar in the mornings is around 110.  That is a good number for me.  Not to low, not to high, right on target for what I need to achieve.  


I am always so darn hungry in the mornings.  The whole time I am checking my blood sugar, my tummy is growling.  Some mornings it is so difficult to resist the temptation of going ahead and eating breakfast before I check my blood sugar.  The worst mornings are when I have not slept well and I wake up around three or four. 

After I check my blood sugar, I can go about the business of making coffee and breakfast.  I have to carefully account for every bit of food that I am going to put in my mouth.  It has to all balance out so that I am only taking in a certain amount of sugar and carbohydrates.  Breakfast has become my favorite meal of the day, because I can eat more then than at any other time.  What I usually do is combine my breakfast and my morning snack allowances into one meal.  I do this for no other reason but to have a bigger breakfast.  I told you I was hungry in the mornings.  Maybe I should have said that I was very hungry in the mornings.  

Before I can eat, I have to give myself a small insulin injection.  Usually about three units of insulin.  I have to do this because my depression medications have a tendency to raise my blood sugar slightly.  After the injection, the chow down can commence.  

After I eat breakfast I am already thinking about what I can have for lunch, planning it out in my head.  You can tell from my profile picture that I am a person who enjoys food.  I really enjoy food.  I like cooking, I like planning menus, I just enjoy everything that has to do with food.  One thing I have noticed though, is that ever since I have been diagnosed with diabetes I seem to focus on food even more than I used to.  Maybe it is because I have to spend so much time every day planning what I eat out, or because I have to always be so aware of everything that I put in my mouth, or because as much as I still enjoy food there is a part of me that views food as the enemy. 

After breakfast I have to take care of my feet.  Because a diabetic does not have the best circulation, their feet have to be taken care of extremely well.   One little injury has the potential to become infected very quickly and can result in the foot and/or leg being amputated.  So every day I have to check my feet for any injuries and put lotion on them.  One of my favorite things to do was to go barefoot everywhere.  I cannot do that anymore.  Too much of a risk.  

The lunch process is similar to the breakfast routine.  Once again, the dreaded finger stick.  Ugh!  I am so tired of having to inflict pain on myself several times a day.   There are some days I put off eating lunch as long as possible so I do not have to go through the whole finger stick thing right away.  


I won’t bore you with the whole procedure, injection, stuffing my face, already thinking about my afternoon snack and supper, more finger sticks at supper and another injection.  


Before I go to bed every night I have to give myself yet another injection.  This one is of a long lasting insulin and the dose is rather large.  Of all the shots this is the one I really dislike.  Because of the amount of insulin I have to inject, this one tends to sting.  Sometimes, a bubble of insulin will develop and I have to be very careful, and not let any insulin come back out.  


The next morning the whole thing starts over again.


I get so tired of it all sometimes.  I get tired of the finger sticks, I get tired of the injections, I get tired of all the things I have to remember to manage my diabetes.  It is a very tedious disease.  Always so much to do with it, always having to think about it, everyday the same thing, needles, needles needles.  Sometimes I think about just not doing it anymore.  

Before I started getting help with my depression, and I really did not care about living any more, there were many days when I did not do any of the things I needed to do to take care of my diabetes.  Now that I have a better mind set, I do not skip my injections, or my finger sticks, no matter how tired I get of the whole thing.  I have a family that cares about me and I care about them, I want to live, so I do what I am supposed to do, needles and all.


The pictures at the top, from left to right
glucose meter (one of the types I have), insulin pen (same type as I use), needles for insulin pens (similar to what I use)

Eye Of Newt And Tongue Of Frog…..A Little Of This And Some Of That…

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Every time I do an internet search on depression and anxiety, I am amazed at the amount of sites that state that they have the best depression and anxiety cures.   They consist of  herbal remedies, prescription medications, yoga, spa, relaxation, lobotomies, the power of positive thinking, meditation, hydrotherapy, hypnotherapy, electric shock therapy, behavioral therapy, no therapy, instant cures, prayer, sweat lodge, leeches…  I am sure you get the idea.


I have a hard enough time picking a restaurant when I have more than two to choose from, there is no way I could see all those sites and then decide on what depression treatment would work best for me.  I would either be so overwhelmed by the choices and not be able to choose anything or I would close my eyes and point my finger and whatever ever my finger pointed to is what I would try for my depression and anxiety. 

I do not know how other people wade through all of that and pick what they think would work for them.  Most people I know who are dealing with severe depression are incapable of making decisions when there are that many items to choose from.  


Most of those sites claim to have the “best” cure for depression and anxiety.  Or they say they have the “only” true cure for depression and anxiety.  How can they know that theirs is the “best” cure or the “only” cure?  People are so different from each other and there is more than one cause for depression.  Even someone who takes a more traditional, medical approach for the treatment of their depression often end up having to try more than one medication before the right combination is found for them.  


After I tried to kill myself, I was not really given any choice about where I was going to get treatment from.  At the time we had no medical insurance, which meant that there was no way I could afford to go to a private psychiatrist.  The hospital told me and my family that I should go to a local mental health, out patient facility.  It is government funded, and the patients are charged for the services there based on their income.  


The only choice I really had at the time was whether I was going to get help or not.  If I did not get help, I believe my family would have had me committed into a state run mental health facility.  I chose the out patient facility.  I did not even have to worry about how I was going to get there.  My husband asked my mother to take me.  


I was pretty angry at the time, because I felt like they were treating me like a child.  However, now I see the wisdom in what they did.  They knew that I was not in a place where I could make any decisions about my own well being, so they made things very easy for me.  

After I started treatment there it took about 8 different medications and a trip to a state run mental health facility before the proper combination of medicine could be figured out for me.  I also see the counselor once a week.  So when I read the sites that claim to have the “best” or “only” cures, I am very skeptical.   I am not discounting their product and saying it has absolutely no value in the treatment of depression.  What I am saying though is that, in my opinion,  there is no singular thing that works on depression.  I believe that most people need to employ the use of more than one type of depression treatment/medication, and these sites advertising they way they do, can be very misleading to the newly diagnosed. 



I rarely recommend, or advise anyone about depression and anxiety treatments, but today I feel compelled to.  Choose carefully when deciding what treatment you think will work best for you.  Do not get discouraged if you have to use more than one type of treatment for your depression.  Finally, if you are like most people with severe depression and have a hard time choosing where to start, get someone you trust to help you make that decision.  There is no shame in asking for help.




 

ummm Yeah….Do You Remember me?

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We live in a small town.  A very small town.  There are no banks, no grocery stores, no traffic lights, there are only a few antique shops.  To the immediate north and south of us there are bigger towns.  The one to the north of us is in a different county than we are, the one to the south of us is in our county and that is where we tend to do most of our shopping and get most of our medical care.   

The town to the south of us also happens to be where the hospital is that I was taken to after my suicide attempt in May, and where the crisis team had me go after they had come to my house.  It is not a very big hospital and between those two visits and other visits for different reasons, I had become very familiar with some of the staff at the hospital.  I had developed a “reputation”.


It is a reputation based on my crazy, screaming, violent behavior after I tried to kill myself in May.  Behavior that I still have absolutely no memory of.   It is also based on my angry pissed off behavior after I went there because of the crisis team.  


Now that I am on the right mix of medications, and I am further along in my recovery, when I think back to both of those times I was admitted into the hospital, I get rather embarrassed and ashamed of myself.  I really did not want to have to go back to that hospital and its emergency room ever again.  


Of course, as things usually go, the choice to go back to that hospital any time soon, was taken out of my hands.  The Saturday before Christmas I developed a nasty wheeze in my chest and had to go to the emergency department at the hospital.  I could just picture in my head what it was going to be like when I got there.  Some of the nurses would recognize me, some would stare, waiting for me to freak out.  The nurses who did not know who I was, soon would, as the facts about me and my craziness were passed around.  I could also see the doctor’s reaction to seeing that I was there again.  I had built up in my head a very terrifying experience, as well as a very embarrassing one.  


The reality was actually some what different.  I was taken back by the triage nurse almost immediately.  That is a common thing when you go to an emergency room with a breathing problem.  I had seen this particular nurse several times, so she was very familiar with my past visits.  I shared with her that I was rather nervous and afraid to be there because of what happened the last two times I had gone to the emergency room.  Her response to that was very sweet and quite surprising.  It put me at ease.


What she said to me that night was that the past was the past.  She said she did not make judgments about people or their reasons for being in the emergency room, and that she could tell that I was doing so much better than I had been doing before.  The final thing she said was that it was her job to take care of me for what I was there for that night and that I should not let what happened before prevent me from getting the help that I needed.



I ended up being admitted to the hospital.  Surprise! Surprise!  The doctor who was my treating physician while I was in the hospital, was the same doctor I had when I had tried to kill myself.  He was the doctor that dealt with me when I was being violent and had to be restrained.  He remembered me.  


It was at this point I realized I had two choices.  I could be a flake, and let my anxiety about being in this situation be in control, or I could use this as an opportunity to show the nurses and doctor that I am doing better and that at this time I am not acting like a crazy person.


I decided to go for the more positive of the two choices and show them that I was doing much better now.  I made sure that every morning when I woke up I gave myself a quick sponge bath and did other things to show that I cared about my appearance.  I talked with the nurses when they came by my room.  Asked questions, and looked up information about my treatment on the internet, staying engaged in my own treatment plan.  It was easier than I thought it would be.  


I ended up having to stay in the hospital several days longer than I thought I would have to.  The IV steroids that I had to have for my breathing, caused my blood sugar to be incredibly high.  At one point the doctor tried to take me off of the IV steroids and my breathing got bad again.  I was put back on the IV steroids and from that point on, my blood sugar had to be checked every four hours, night and day, and I had to have insulin injections every four hours.  My long lasting insulin dose was changed from 30 units to 72 units.  


Several times the doctor changed my other medications, took me off of one, and added a couple of new ones in the mix.  So I was having to keep up with the changes and keep up with why the doctor was making so many changes to my medications.  It seems my ability to keep up with all that the doctor was doing, and the questions I was asking, went a long way with the doctor.  He was able to see me for the intelligent person I am, instead of the raving, mad woman he had experienced before.  As a result I was allowed to go home Christmas Eve, with a very detailed set of instructions to follow. 

I learned a couple of things from this experience.  The first thing I learned is that for the most part, the staff in a hospital really want what is best for their patients, and truly believe in not holding past experiences with a patient against them.  The other thing I learned seems to be something that I have to keep learning over and over again.  That lesson is that very often my own anxieties make a situation worse in my head than the reality of it is.  One of these days, I hope, that lesson will stick with me and I will learn to not get so anxious about things.  

Hmmmm, Will I Get Dressed Today?

Have you ever had to struggle, I mean really struggle in deciding whether or not you could manage to get the motivation to get dressed on a daily basis?  Or take a shower? Have you ever decided that it took too much effort to talk to your family….on a daily basis?  Have you ever been so overwhelmed by no motivation, anxiety, and worry that your memory seemed to be failing you and you really and truly could not function?  I can answer yes to all of those questions.


Before counseling and before medication, every single one of my days was a struggle.  As my depression progressed, the struggle become more and more difficult.  The last six to nine months before I started receiving treatment were the worst.  


I quit sleeping.  The lack of sleep combined with a fog of depression, made me feel horribly tired all the time.  I would try and take naps and the most I could do was to lay under the covers and just think.  Most of the time, I could not manage a shower before four or five in the afternoon.  When I did finally take my shower, I did not shave my legs.  I know that does not seem like huge deal, but it was.  People who know me, know that I shave every day.  Even when I would go  camping I would shave. So for me to be a hairy legged freak was highly out of character for me.  After my shower, I would put on a clean set of pajamas, so unless I absolutely had to go somewhere, I wore pajamas all the time.The only reason I would even take a shower was because I felt like if I could at least do that before my husband got home, he would not realize how bad things were. Ha!  I really thought that too.  My husband is not a fool, he knew something was way wrong, he just could not put his finger on it.  

My days always seemed to pass quickly, but I never really did anything.  I ached everywhere.  I had headaches all the time.  My stomach was a mess. After I started treatment, I did some research and those physical symptoms are typical for someone who has major depression.

I could not concentrate on anything.  Not reading, cross stitch, crochet, or even the television.  My mind was always racing with thoughts, so many thoughts that there were times when I could not create a sentence.

I felt like I was a shell of a human being who really was just operating on a kind of automatic pilot.  Toward the end, the automatic pilot I was running on seemed to develop sort of short in the electrical system and was no longer running properly.   


Waking up in the hospital, after my suicide attempt, was the first time in at least two years that I was not in pain.  Of course once all the medication they had given me wore off, I was aching all over once again.  


Even now,  I am amazed at the amount of physical symptoms a mental illness can cause.


Things To Never Say To A Depressed Person

Ever since I have been more open about having major depression, various people have felt the need to share their personal thoughts with me about depression,  people with depression, and causes of depression.  There is no doubt in my mind that some people meant well, and just chose their words poorly. However, with some people I have to wonder what they were thinking when they said what they did.  Maybe they thought they had the perfect advice that would “heal me” of my depression.  Here is a list I have made of a few of the things that people have said to me over the months.

1.   I guess if you really want to kill yourself you might as well, there is nothing anyone can do about it
Obviously, this is not what you should say to a depressed person with suicidal thoughts
 
2.   depression is not a real illness, it is just an excuse to be lazy
As if I enjoy feeling so bad that even taking a shower is too much work for me.
 
3.   the only thing that cures depression is going to church
I am not one to knock Christianity or the value that some people find in going to church, but this    statement seems to minimize depression

4.   all you need to do is just get out of the house more often
A family member thinks my cure is to not be at home, then I cannot concentrate on the things making me depressed.  Again, mininizes depression, and how bad it truly makes a person feel.

5.   you are taking medicine, you should not be depressed
 Some people think that immediately upon taking anti-depression medication that I should no longer have depression symptoms.

6.   you are talking too much medicine, no wonder you are depressed
Medicine that I need

7.   depression is a state of mind
I laugh in part to this one, because while they mean I need to get a positive attitude, they do not know that depression , to some extent, comes from the messed up chemicals in your brain.

8.   all you need to do is think positive and you will get over it
 Yes, I was positive I wanted to die, death would be one way of getting over it.

9.   You are too smart to want to kill yourself
 sadly, this one came from my husband.  I know he meant well when he said it, he just did not understand how depression works at the time he said it.  I felt he was implying that I was stupid because I had tried to commit suicide.

10. get on your knees and pray, prayer is the only cure for depression
Again, not to knock Christianity, prayer is helpful, for some it can ease their troubles, especially if it is situational depression, but for major depression, medication and counseling also have to be in the solution.This made me feel as if they thought I was not as good of a Christian as they are, because praying was not working for me.

11. There are people worse off than you, you have nothing to be depressed about
 Believe it or not the doctor I saw in the state run psychiatric hospital said this too me.  He should know better than anyone what the cause of major depression is.  I really wanted to let him have it for that statement, but I wanted to get out of the hospital even more. 

12. you are only a little sad, it will go away eventually
Again, someone who had no idea what depression is really like

13. Take the following vitamins and I guarantee that you will be cured of your depression in a month
I wish it was as easy as that to cure depression.

14. you need to drink more water
Apparently, my brain was dehydrated and that was the cause of all my problems.

15 you are just feeling sorry for yourself
Yes, there were/are times when I do feel sorry for myself, but that is not the cause of major depression

16 you are only depressed because you want to be
You are right!  I enjoy feeling bad in every inch of my body, and not being able to concentrate long enough to read a page in a book.  I enjoy not sleeping, and feeling like I am a burden to my family because I cannot even manage a load of laundry

17 depression really means that you are being selfish
Please see above

18 you are only thinking of yourself
 Please see above

19 just get over it
 I wish!  I tried snapping my fingers to “just get over it” but it did not work.

20 you just want people to feel sorry for you
Not really, I felt more like a burden when people pitied me

21 A hobby will fix you right up
I cannot even concentrate to read and yet you think I could concentrate enough to manage a hobby? 

22 use your will power, and you can get over it
What will power?  Mine seems to have disappeared.

23 I was depressed once, I went to the herb store and got all these great herbs and I got over it
Ha!  Depressed once!?

24 So?  
 Obviously, they do not care

25 There is no such thing as depression, it is an illness made up by doctors an drug companies to get more money.
This person sounds as if they need their own type of psychiatric medication. 

Health Care Reform

I usually try to avoid any type of political discussion because people have a tendency to get a little heated during them.  However, since this is my blog and the health care reform issues have been on my mind, I thought I would discuss it.

I wish I could say I felt one way or the other about it.  Either for or against it.  The truth is at this point I am confused about it.  There is so much propaganda out there from both sides of the issue that for me it has become muddy.  I do not like some of the behavior I have seen exhibited from both sides.  Sometimes I think there should be a public debate about it, because at least that way, what each side is saying will be monitored and each side can present their facts without the emotions being involved.

On the one hand I am very nervous about a government controlled  health care system.  The government does not always have the best track record when it comes to running things.  The example in my case, is from when I had medicaid for a short period of time.  I went to have  prescription filled for my insulin syringes and I was told that the pharmacy could not fill the prescription because I had to get some sort of authorization from medicaid first.  The pharmacy told me it took at least two weeks to get that authorization.  I was forced to buy my syringes out of my own pocket because I could not go two weeks without using my insulin.  The same thing happened with one of the anti-depressants my psychologist wanted me to try.  The doctor said the whole pre-authorization was a pain in the butt, so what he did is gave me a prescription for something else.  If a doctor feels a patient needs a certain medication or something like syringes I do not understand why medicaid, a government controlled health care system, would insist on taking two weeks to get this pre-authorization.  I actually did not have the money to pay for them out of pocket because Farrol was still out of work then.  I had to borrow the money.  What if I had not been able to do that?  Because a government controlled health care system needed this pre-authorization on something I needed I would have had to wait two weeks.  Two weeks without insulin would have made me feel pretty bad.  If the new government run health care is going to be anything like the systems we already have in place, I am going to feel pretty concerned about the type of health care I would receive.

After listening to some of the stories my friends in Canada have shared with me, I am hugely concerned about possible wait times to see specialists or have procedures done.  My friends have had to wait for months to have certain tests done, like an EEG or to see a specialist about their arthritis.  In the mean time their conditions grew considerable worse or more painful as they were waiting.  There are some illnesses that people cannot wait months to receive treatment for.

I worry that the government will use this health care plan as way to insert itself more into our lives and take away more of our freedoms.  Also, that the government will use its involvement in our lives as an opportunity to pick and choose who will be medically treated and with what treatment or medication they will be treated with.

On the other hand, if we go to a government run health care system, I would know that no matter what my family would have medical insurance.  It was horrible when Farrol lost his job and we lost our insurance.  We had no idea how we were going to get my medications or how we were gong to pay for me to go to a doctor.

The other thing about a government run health care system is that it might be cheaper for us than what we are paying now.  What we have now is so expensive, that depending on the paycheck amount in any given week, that sometimes we can barely afford to have it taken out of Farrol’s paycheck.  We do have co-pays so we are not having to pay full price for medications and doctors, but when you add what we pay each week to the insurance company and what we pay in co-pays, it adds up to a lot of money.  Sometimes the co-pays are not even all that beneficial.  For example, when we did not have insurance I signed up for Walgreen’s W card.  It cost me $20 for a whole year and gives me a discount on prescriptions or any Walgreen’s brand over the counter medication.  The other day I had to go to Walgreens and get my Effexor and vistiral filled.  The Effexor had  a $30 copay.  When the pharmacist was running things through the computer, she figured out it would be cheaper for me to use the W card to get the vistiral than using my insurance.  My question is this, if we are paying so much for our medical insurance every week, why was it cheaper to buy that medication without using my insurance.  That convinces me that the medical insurance companies are probably over charging us and because we are limited on where we can go to get medical insurance there is not enough competition between the insurance companies for them to feel the need to decrease their rates or our co-pays

My taxes are already going to pay for medicare and medicaid.  I am okay with my taxes being used to take care of me and my family if we go to a government controlled health care system.  Admittedly there is a great deal of fraud that exists in those systems, but I am sure that with a little effort the government could get it under control.  When it was time for medicaid to drop me because Farrol had gotten a job, someone asked me why I just did not tell the Department of Family and Children’s services that Farrol and I had separated so that I could continue to receive medicaid.  From what I understand, that is common practice.  People get on it in a time of need and continue to receive it when that time of need is over because they cannot afford medical insurance from where they work.  While I understand why they do it, I do not condone fraud.  I bet though if the government chose to they could figure out who was participating in that kind of fraud and put an end to it.

In the end, I really do not have a choice in this matter as our governing officials in Washington are going to decide this issue for us.  I will have to figure out a way to adapt to whatever changes they do decide to make.  Unfortunately, I do see this issue dividing this nation and no matter which way this goes, I do believe there are going to be some big changes in the U.S.A