In a previous post I talked about the sexual problems that can sometimes happen when we are talking psychiatric medications.  I also shared how these type of side effects have affected me personally.

Even with the welbutrin that the doctor prescribed in hopes of counter acting my sexual dysfunction issues due to my medications, sexual intercourse is not something I enjoy nearly as much as I used to.  However, I know for me and my husband sex allows us to connect on a more emotional level.  It also allows us to get reacquainted with each other when we have not had much time to spend with each other. So where has this set of circumstances left us?

In the beginning it left us bitter and confused.  I was bitter because I viewed it as yet another thing taken away by depression, my husband was confused because he thought I did not care about him as much anymore.  It began to put a strain on our marriage.  I know it seems like silly thing to strain a marriage, but you have to understand once I started feeling better after years of not being interested in anything, both of us had hoped to reconnect on every level.  After three years of isolating myself, we had lost a sense of closeness.  We wanted it back.

We realized we both had to be proactive in achieving a sense of intimacy with each other, and we both had to do it in ways that we were comfortable with.  I am not a touchy feely kind of person, my husband is.  I put aside some of my uncomfortable feelings and began to hold hands with him more, hug him more, and began rubbing his back sometimes.  Not only did he enjoy the time I set aside to give him my attention, I found that I enjoyed it too.  For his part, my husband rubs my head.  Sounds silly, but I love it!  We do not go to bed at the same time, because I have sleeping problems, but sometimes I will go lay down with him so we can have some cuddle time.  On the weekends, he cooks a lot and takes pride and serving me his newly created recipes.

So our sense of intimacy has grown.  We are doing things to connect with each other that we never would have before I lost my desire to have sex.  In a way, we are closer than we were before.  Still, there are times when I wished I could get interested in sexual intercourse more than every three months or so.  I am sure my husband does as well.  I even wish I got more pleasure out of it than I do.

My husband and I have discussed whether or not this is a side effect that we could live with.  We are both in agreement that it is.  For me, the Effexor saved my life.  I was still having suicidal thoughts and actions and was not really open to what my counselor was trying to show me until the right medication mix was found for me.  The Effexor and my anxiety medication made it so my thoughts could settle down enough for me to begin to get some benefit out of my surgery.  My husband would rather have me in my right mind and by his side even if it means we do not have the sex life we used to have, than have me start trying to find another medication mix and to risk me ending up trying to kill myself again.

I found a few suggestions that are supposed to increase intimacy in relationships:

• hug
• hold hands
• share your thoughts and emotions with each other
• cuddle with each other on the couch, or in bed
• kiss each other good night
• massage – sensual massage

When it comes to sexual intercourse and especially with me having difficulty achieving an orgasm one of the best pieces of advice was offered to me by @DrJoyDavidson.  What she told me to do was to be creative and experiment.  Her website Joy Spot is a great resource of information for achieving an exciting sex life, and offers great suggestions for enhancing things when your sex life needs a little extra help.

It is a fairly well known fact that depression and anxiety can reduce our desire to have sex.  However, were you aware that many of the medications we take for our depression and anxiety can also cause sexual dysfunction?  If you were not, you are not alone.  Most people are unaware of these particular side effects.  Doctors do not like to talk about them out of fear that their patients might refuse to take their medications.  Patients do not like to talk about them, because the topic is often embarrassing to them.

With both patients and doctors being reluctant to talk about the sexual side effects, they are under reported, making the information about them  inaccurate.  In the past many experts thought that the sexual side effects of these medications were mild and did not last very long.  They based this idea on what had been reported to them by patients and their doctors.  Now some experts are beginning to think that the sexual side effects could be long term and in some cases will still exist even after the patient has discontinued the anti-depressant.

Some sexual side effects are:

• A lack of desire – for both men and women
• An inability to have an orgasm
• An inability to ejaculate
• An inability to achieve erection
• Little to no sensitivity in the genital area

I am part of the percentage of people who have to deal with the sexual side effects of their anti-depressants.  What little desire for sex I had before I began taking anti-depressants, has completely disappeared. I also have almost no sensitivity and orgasms are a thing of the past.

When I first began experiencing these side effects, I honestly did not know what to do.  Discussing my sex life with anyone was something that I was emotionally unprepared for.  I was so reluctant to discuss what was going on, I did not even tell my husband.  I just faked my way through enjoying intercourse.  When I finally got enough courage, I told my counselor what was going on and she encouraged me to tell the doctor.  By the time I saw the doctor to let him know what was going on, I had done some of my own research in hopes of getting some ideas on how to combat what was going on.  He and I both decided to add welbutrin into my treatment program, and see if that helped.  It has….to some degree. Eventually I quit faking and told my husband.

My point in sharing all of this with you is that, if you are experiencing these types of side effects, you are not alone.  Please take the time to discuss the issue with your psychiatric doctor.  In my case my counselor knew how uncomfortable I was discussing this subject with my doctor and she offered to tell him for me.  This might be an option for you if you are too uncomfortable discussing it with your doctor.

Again, if you are experiencing sexual side effects with your depression medication, please talk about it with your doctor.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Do you have something in your life that you consider therapeutic? Something you do that brings you peace? I think that it is important for me to have something that brings me peace.  A type of therapy that is separate from what I do when I go to my counselor’s office.  My personal therapy, the thing that brings me peace, is writing in my journal/blog.

When I can fill a page up with my thoughts and emotions, I feel as if I am releasing whatever negativity I might have  harboring inside of me.  Putting those things down, for the world to see, also allows me to see them from a different perspective.  Many times, I have been able to work through a a difficult issue just by writing it about it.  Other times, the comments I receive about something I have written have given me suggestions and ideas on how to better manage a difficult situation, or problem.

My depression recovery has not been without its ups and downs and detours.  One of the constants during all these months of changing and learning has been my source of peace, my blog.  My blog is sort of like a friend who does not talk much, but really knows how to listen. I do not think that I would have made it this far in my recovery if I did not have this place of peace.

Where do you find your peace?  What do you do that is therapeutic?

Another great blog post about using a blog for therapy can be found at Anxious Kaley

Since I had written a list of things that would not be good to say to a person with depression, I thought I would take the time to write a list of things that might help someone with depression. Some of these came from other people, some from the internet and some from me. If you disagree with any of the things on this list let me know, or if you have something to add, contact me and I will add what you said to the list.

1. I am here for you.  You are not alone in this.
2. You are important to me
3. Do you want a hug?
4. When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.
5. I cannot really understand what you are going through, but I can offer you my compassion.
6. I am not going to leave or abandon you.
7. I love you (say this only if you mean it)
8. We do not have to talk if you do not want to, but I am here if you decide you do.
9. I am not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I care about you.
10. How can I be most helpful to you?