1. The illnesses I live with are: Clinical/Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder

2. I was diagnosed with them in: May of 2009

3. But I  have had symptoms since: On and off for most of my life.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Learning how to take part in my own life again.

5. Many people assume:  Depression is simply being sad.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting over my “drug hangover”.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I do not watch medical shows anymore, most contain plot lines that I find depressing.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:  My computer

9. The hardest part about nights are:  Not sleeping well and lately I have been having really bad nightmares.

10. Each day I take 14 pills, at least 4 injections, and 4 puffs on inhaler.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: choose not to use herbs or herbal supplements, I am afraid they would not mix well with my medications.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I have both an invisible illness and several visible illnesses.  In my opinion, neither is a better one to have.

13. Regarding working and career:  I cannot work outside of the home due to the various illnesses I have.  I work hard to find ways to make money from home.

14. People would be surprised to know:  How much better I am compared to where I was this time last year and how much my daily medication routine affects me.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:  How my medications affect me.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:  Enjoy life again.

17. The commercials about my illness:  Make it seem easier than it really was for me at the worst of times.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:  Actually nothing.  I am doing more now than when I was diagnosed.  By the time I was diagnosed, I had almost quit functioning.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: My suicidal thoughts.  They had been such a constant, continuous thing for so long, that it was hard to get through a day without having them.  In some ways, they were the only reliable thing in my life.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Writing

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I do not know. I do not think I even know what normal is anymore.

22. My illness has taught me: To accept myself.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: The truth is, negative or unproductive comments from uneducated or closed minded people do not bother me.

24. But I love it when people: Encourage and support me as best they can.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I created my own personal motto…I will live my life fully, and experience everything. I will take care of myself. I will have fun, be crazy and be weird.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: I am there for them. It can get better.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The opportunities that have opened up for me.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Not to baby me, but let me know they were there when I needed them.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: It has become important to me to be an advocate for people with mental health issues. I am one of the lucky ones. I am able to function and have clarity and my therapy and medications seem to work for me right now. Not everyone with a mental health issue is able to achieve that kind of stability in a little over a year of treatment.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Proud. Like what I write about does make a difference.

You can find more posts from other people about their 30 things at Invisible Illness Week

Double Standard – One set of special rules for a favored group or person and a set of unfair rules for other groups or another person

The last year and half has been a time full of a great deal of change and internal inspection for me.  I discovered things about myself that I like immensely and I have discovered things about myself that I have been working hard to dispose of.  One of the things I have been working hard to get rid of, is my use of double standards.

For a great deal of my life I have had one set of rules for myself and another set for other people. Almost without fail, I applied the unfair rules to myself and the special (better) rules to other people. I would let someone speak or treat me inappropriately, and because I had to follow the unfair rules I would  not allow myself to tell them what they just did or said was inappropriate.  I would not set boundaries with them, and if it even crossed my mind to treat them like they treated me, it could be guaranteed that I would spend an extreme amount of effort beating myself up.

I felt that I was justified in the way I chose to use my double standard.  I did not feel as if I was equal to other people.  I felt less worthy.  So it made it okay to let them get away with what they were doing.  My double standard was so obvious to others, that even my son has felt that it was okay to treat me inappropriately and my rules allowed him to do it.

It became clear to me that if I was going to continue to progress in my journey towards mental wellness, that things were going to have to change.  I needed to get rid of my double standard and expect and demand to be treated in a respectful, and dignified manner.  This proved to be extremely difficult for me.  I still had a problem with self worth, and I still believed that I was not equal to other people.  Not to mention, to speak up to people I considered adults (even though I was one), especially ones that I considered authority figures was almost impossible.  To me it felt disrespectful to the authority figure if I made them aware of how they were treating and talking to me.

I started simply and even before I felt worthy of respect.  I set boundaries that were clear.  No one would talk to me or treat me inappropriately without me saying something about it.  It was an interesting thing.  Just by not using my double standard anymore, my self worth instantly grew a notch.  It was as if once I began treating myself as if I deserved dignity and respect, I began to believe I did.

I no longer feel as if I am going around with a sullen and sad expression on my face.  I no longer feel that I am not equal to other people.  I no longer feel as if I deserve to be treated by the unfair rules.  I speak up for myself, and people in my life treat me exactly as I want to be treated and how I treat them

Have you ever applied a double standard in your life?  Were you the one you applied the set of unfair rules to?  If so, why do you think you did that?

I am on way more medication than the average person, in addition I believe my chosen suicide attempt method messed up my brain to some extent.  As a result of those things, my balance can be pretty bad at times.  This morning was a reminder to me about just how bad my balance is.

We are still in Augusta, at my parents house.  Farrol (my husband) and I were heading out to pick up biscuits for everyone.  A couple of houses down from my parents a new family is moving in.  The father was trying to get a UHaul truck up his driveway but he was having some difficulty. Farrol walked down there to give the family a hand with getting the truck up to the top of the driveway.  Initially, I stayed at the car, then I changed my mind.  I stepped off the curb to walk down the road and I am not sure quite what happened.

The next thing I am aware of is my face being firmly planted on the road, my glasses flying off of my face and both my hands and one knee being in pain. When my husband saw me laying on the road, he got scared ran to where I was and helped me up.  My nose is scraped up, under my nose is cut and it is hard to tell from my pictures, but my chin is scrapped up too.  My face hurts.  There is some swelling, fortunately not too much.

All in all, considering I did not even get my hands out to stop myself and my face hit the pavement, the damage is minor.  The only troublesome thing is that I really do not remember the fall itself.  I just remember standing up right and then my nose is on the pavement and out of the corner of my eye I can see my glasses flying.

Now that it has been a couple of hours since I fell, my body is definitely getting sore.  Sore back, sore neck, sore arms….ugh!

I found a great post written by Gina Newberry of It’s How She Rolls.  In it she describes how she took an inventory of her marriage and was surprised to find that the things she and her husband are doing right far outweigh the things they are doing wrong.  After sharing ten things they are doing right, Gina was bold and honest enough to share one thing they are doing wrong.  I thought it was such a great and insightful post that I decided to do my own Marriage Inventory.

1. We are committed to each other. There have been times when either one of us would have been justified if we had walked away from the marriage.  We have had some pretty rocky times.  However, our commitment to each other was stronger than our desire to end things because we were behaving badly.
2. We are affectionate with one another. We hold hands, hug each other, and kiss to show our affection to each other.  I have to admit my husband is better at this than I am.  However, I really try and make an effort to show him the affection he deserves.
3. We say, “I love you”, to each other multiple times a day. Every morning before my husband leaves for work we say, “I love you”.  We also do that at the end of every phone call, when one of us gets home after having been some where, and sometimes we say it just because we want to.
4. We laugh together. My husband and I love to sit and laugh with each other.  Whether it is a story we are telling the other one that makes us laugh, or something we found on the internet together, even at something our daughter may have said, we enjoy the bonding that laughing together brings us.
5. We encourage each other. We want what is best for one another.  I want my husband to be happy and he wants me to be happy.  We encourage each other when it comes to our dreams and goals in life.
6. We spend time with each other. For many reasons, it is very difficult for us to have a date night, however, we do try and set aside some time every evening to spend with each other.  Most of the time, it is really just something simple like sitting next to each other on the couch and watching TV, but we are still spending it together.  Sometimes my husband will ask me to read him something from my blog, other times we just sit there and hold hands.
7. We talk to each other. This is a big thing for us, mostly because of me.  I would have no problem going for days without saying a word out loud.  However, that is not good for a marriage or any relationship for that matter.  We are taking more time to talk to each other about the little things.
8. We have respect for each other. We try and treat each other with respect at all times. From how we talk with each other, to doing things for the other person, we try and make sure the other person feels respected.
9. We work well together. Together we work like a team.  He helps me out in areas where I might lack confidence and I do the same for him.
10. We make big decisions together. So that the other person does not feel left out or that their opinion does not matter, we make all big decisions together.

My husband and I do love each other very much.  We try and do everything just right in our marriage, but we are human.  There is no way we can do it just right all the time.  There is more than just one thing that we are doing wrong in our marriage, however, I am only going to share one, the one that I think is most important for us to work on.

1. We do not listen to each other as well as we should. There are too many times where we have not taken the time that we should have and really listened to the other person.  This causes conflict between us.  We are working on this, and we are getting better at listening to each other.

I was catching up with my blog reading and I ran across a post at A Journey.  It was about owning our wellness and creating a state of mind of  wellness rather than one of illness.  At the end of the post, the author asks:

How have you learned to OWN your own wellness and create that mind-shift from “illness” to one of living in “wellness”?

I like this question.  I like the line of thinking it represents.  I like how it implies that we can take a proactive role in our wellness.

I have learned to own my mental wellness.  I have learned to make that mind-shift from “illness” to one of living in “wellness”.  It has been a long and difficult process and there are some days when I am not as successful with this state of mind as I would like to be, but that is okay.  At least I am trying.

How did I accomplish this?  The answer will sound easy.  I simply replaced my negative illness thinking and actions with positive wellness thinking and actions.

My core being was one of negativity and illness. Everything I looked at, experienced, thought about, and even talked about came from that place that was negative and ill.  Everything in my life was tainted by this illness to some extent.  Eventually, when that illness consumed my entire being I shut down and no longer wanted to live.  Even after I tried to make myself die, I wanted no part of being well.  For me to get to a point of being able to want to take any part in being well required medication, a psychiatric hospitalization, and months of counseling.

At some point in all this treatment for my illness, I began to see the world and myself differently.  I began replacing my negative thoughts and reactions with more positive ones.  It was a slow process for sure.  On some days, replacing those thoughts and reactions was simply impossible.  I had been thinking this way for most of my life, there was no way I was going to instantly be able to change it. However, the more I attempted it, the easier it became.

I also had to learn to be proactive in my actions towards being well.  For me, that means taking my medications, seeing my counselor and psychiatrist, and sticking to my treatment plan.

I own my mental wellness.  I do what I can to take care of myself.  I understand that some days will be better wellness days than others.  As long as I am doing the best that I can to own my own mental wellness, then I am doing a wonderful job.

How have you learned to OWN your own wellness and create that mind-shift from “illness” to one of living in “wellness”

What does letting go really mean? Is it just releasing a material thing you are holding onto? Or is it putting aside an old habit? Can letting go be the release of emotions such as hate, resentment and fear? How about sharing our worries, concerns, and fears with someone, is that letting go?  The answer is Yes.   Letting go can mean all of those things and more.

I believe holding onto something, (a material thing, negative emotion, worry, and etc.) too tightly allows it to become a stumbling block.  Using material things as an example, what would happen if we held onto everything that came into our house? Our house would get  junked up and more than likely we would have real objects that we would be tripping over, or running into. In other words stumbling blocks. However, if we were to carefully go through that same house, letting go of items that we did not need or did not provide us with healthy pleasure, we would be able to remove a great deal of our tangible stumbling blocks. At the end of this process we will have created a lot of extra room in our home, making it possible to reorganize the items that are left, and possibly making room for newer and better stuff.

Holding on to emotions like anger, resentment, hate, worry, fear and shame is very much like holding onto all those material possessions.  They become stumbling blocks, only instead of actually tripping over them, they get in the way of our personal growth.  Over time, the more of those emotions we hold onto, the more they pile up and the more difficult the clean up process (letting go) becomes.

There was a time when I let those emotions pile up in me.  After a while, it was if my resentment, anger, fear, worry, and shame became a wall of clutter that blocked my ability to grow and change.  I became stuck in my emotional junk.  To get unstuck, I had to summon up what little courage I had and share my feelings.  The best way for me to let go, was to share the truth about why I was so angry, worried, afraid, and ashamed.  I shared things on my blog, with my counselor, with my psychiatrist and as I became more emotionally healthy I began to share things with my family. The more I repeat this process of letting go, the smaller those piles of emotional clutter become.

In my opinion letting go of emotional stumbling blocks is a process that would benefit almost everyone.  I also believe sharing that emotional clutter with others is an important part of that letting go process.  You do not have to let go of your emotional junk in a public fashion like I do, choosing a trusted friend and/or family to share your stumbling blocks with is just as effective.  Even choosing several people to share with works well.

No matter how you do it, just let go.  Let it all go.