Today’s journal entry is supposed to be a picture of my favorite place to eat. I do not have any pictures of my current favorite place to eat, however, I do have one of me eating at my favorite place when I was much younger – around 23. It was a seafood restaurant, and I am eating one of my favorite things – Garlic Crab.
Last week was tense, eye opening, and freeing all at the same time. I have not experienced anything like it before. Emotionally, I am doing better than I had expected. I have spent a lot of time thinking about all kinds of things. Obviously, a big portion of those thoughts revolved around what is going on in my marriage, as well as my daughter. I also spent some time thinking about the huge knot in my stomach, and how it reminded me of the constant nervous feeling I had before I began depression treatment.
Before depression treatment, all my mornings started out the same. I would wake up feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It was a feeling that stayed with me all day, every day. I was so convinced that something bad was going to happen that my heart jumped a little every time the phone rang. I hated the mail because of that feeling, but there was no way I could allow it to stay in the mailbox for the same reason. It also made my world smaller. It limited how far I could travel from my house. It created a fear in me that made me think that if I went too far away, or stayed gone for too long that something bad would happen. That feeling gradually lessened, but never entirely went away.
Something occurred to me while I was thinking about that awful nervous feeling. In part, bad things did happen. (Before I go further, I want to clarify that I am in no way implying my husband and his behavior caused the anxiety. I am saying that his behavior and my reaction to it, made the anxiety worse.) In my house, I never knew what kind of mood my husband would be in when he got home. If it was a bad mood, nothing I did would be “good enough”. Even though I rarely went anyplace without him, if I was not home when he got home from work, it really upset him, and he would say some very mean things. Then there were times when he would explode, and I could not figure out a rational reason for his anger. I lived in a house full of tension, and stress, never really knowing when the next explosion was going to come, nor how bad it would be.
With the certainty that bad things would happen – combined with my already existing anxiety – my extreme anxiety makes much more sense to me now. I guess the distance from my husband, and being in an environment that has much less stress, has allowed me to see things more clearly.
My father is a very interesting man. The amount of historical information he has stored in his head amazes me. He knows an immense amount of American History, and is more than a little familiar with the history of several other countries and cultures. He is also a man who loves his family a great deal. My father said something to me last week that meant a lot to me, and the following little video is my thoughts about it.
For the first day of 30 Days Of Truth, I have to talk about something that I dislike about myself. Narrowing it down to one thing was a little more difficult than I anticipated. However, I believe the thing that I dislike the most about myself, is my tendency to worry – over worry actually – about things. I am significantly better about the needless worry than I used to be, but there are still times when I catch myself spending too much time worrying about something.
I have had this habit of worrying to much for as long as I can remember. It was one of the first things my counselor and I began working on in my therapy. She called me a professional worrier. The first “homework” she gave me was to only worry two times a day. As I have begun to over worry less than I used to, I have not needed to remind myself to only worry during those alloted times – most of the time. Right now there is so much stress in my life that I have had to go back to the basics and remind myself every day to only worry during the times that I have set aside for it.
I saw this interesting challenge on Angel Believes and decided to participate in it. The general idea is that for the next 30 days I use one of the given prompts and tell a truth about myself. The prompts are listed below. Please feel free to copy the prompts and use them if you want to participate in this challenge.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on Obamacare
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
For today’s blog journal posting, I am supposed to post a picture of something I recently purchased. It was socks.
I wanted to take the time to thank Margaret at The World As I See It for giving me the idea to participate in the 30 Day Blog Journal.
Today’s Journal topic was to post a song that represents your current mood. I am feeling rather reflective today, and it just so happens that a song I heard at a Christmas concert last night really represents that. It is called A Baby Changes Everything.
This song represents several things to me. It’s original meaning, about the birth of Christ, and how a person’s life is changed once they accept Christ as their Savior. For me, it also has a more personal meaning. It makes me think about my daughter-in-law, my son, and their coming baby. That baby is not only going to drastically change their lives, it will change our whole family’s lives.
I hope you enjoy this song as much as I did.
After having spent most of my life as a person who mostly saw the negatives of life, I discovered that looking at the positive side of things not only makes me feel good, it is also good for my mental health. Every Monday, I try – I am not always successful – to write down five things I am thankful for. I believe that it is important for me to do this even when things are going really well. It gives me something to look back on and use when my days become more difficult. Writing down things that I am grateful for when life is hard, helps me keep my focus on the positives of life. It also makes me less anxious and depressed.
Here are the things I am thankful for right now.
A few weeks ago, I bought myself a very pretty cloak/coat. I love it! It is just the right weight for me. It does not over heat me like many winter coats do, and it is very easy to drive while wearing it. It is a burnt orange color with a cute little hood. Today, my mother and I found more of those coat/cloaks, and she bought me one. It is red with black velvet accents around the sleeves, collar, neck, and hem area. I took some pictures of them so I could show you what they look like.
Have you ever wanted something to be true so much, that despite the evidence in front of you, you pretend that it is? Have you ever been so ashamed about the position that you have put yourself in, that you put on a false front, so that no one knows what is really going on? Have you ever been afraid to tell anyone how bad something is, because the consequences of telling could possibly be worse than the circumstances you are currently in?
I wanted to believe that I had a good marriage. I wanted to believe that my husband would/could change. I wanted to believe that my husband was supportive, caring, and respected me. I wanted to believe all of those things so much, that what I showed the world reflected those things rather than reality. The verbal abuse I recently mentioned, is not a new thing in my marriage. It has probably been going on since the very beginning. Same with the controlling behavior. There was even a time a few years ago when we almost divorced over it. Instead we went to marriage counselling. Things seemed to get sort of better, for a while.
The were times when I fought back with my own vicious words. There were times when I told him to leave. There were times when I cried my heart out. In the end, the same thing always happened. I would let things go, and he would be nicer for a little while. I realize now, that by making it so that he had no real consequences for his actions, I was giving him permission to keep treating me that way. To be honest, it was easier that way.
Over the last year and a half, I have been working to get emotionally and mentally healthy. Almost from the beginning, my efforts to get healthier seemed to cause friction. I would set a boundary – ask my husband to not talk to me a certain way for example – and he would get irritated with me. He seemed to get angrier and more resentful the more I fought for my own mental health. Our time together became filled with angry silences, and angry words. I changed how I responded to verbal attacks, nagging, and controlling behavior. I worked hard to not react the way I used to. I tried to stay calm. I tried to be rational, and show him where his anger was leading him. He seemed to be okay with himself. He had no problem being filled with so much anger. He justified how he spoke to me, and treated me. It felt like while I was changing, he was becoming more and more stuck. I learned that he and my daughter talked about me when I was not around. He told her she did not have to listen to me, she had choices when I asked her to do something. She learned to say mean and degrading things to me. It felt like I was battling both of them.
I wanted so much to believe that I could have the marriage I wanted, that I never told anyone how bad it had gotten. Until that awful night a few weeks ago, when the things that he was saying to me finally caused me to reach my end point, and I reached out to my mother for help. I should have been more honest with myself. I should have been more honest with my family. I should have been more honest with you. I was just not ready to admit to anyone – even myself – that things were so very wrong.