Tag Archives: Depression

Depression Sucks!

Posted on by
1

My favorite Mental Health blog is one done by Chato B. Stewart.  He draws awesome cartoons, that find the humorous parts of having a mental illness.  You can find his site here at Mental Health Humor.  I really urge you all to check out his site.

I was just reading his blog and saw the title for a new post.  It was titled Depression Sucks! I thought the cartoon and the caption underneath it were extremely funny!  I decided to share it with ya’ll.

Please visit his blog and discover his other funny cartoons!

Something Cool About Depression Treatment

Posted on by
1

As I was writing my previous post, something came to me.  There are actually some pretty cool things about being in treatment for depression.  Granted there are parts of depression treatment that suck, hurt, and are just plain yucky, but not all of it is that way.  Here are a few things that come to mind when I think about the cooler side of depression treatment.

  1. I really enjoy being more positive. When I first had to start finding a least three positive things about every situation, I really disliked it.  It was difficult and to be quite frank, I thought it was a waste of my time.  I was of the opinion that my life was always going to be difficult, and depressing.  I am so happy I was wrong.
  2. I think about other people more than I used to. This may be difficult to explain, but I am going to try.  Before my depression treatment, and even before this last depressive episode, I believe that I spent more time focusing on myself than I did on other people.  The focus I applied to myself was mostly negative.  For example, I would think about my pain and my feelings more than I would think about someone else’s pain and feelings.  Another example would be, I was convinced that most people in my life were thinking not nice things about me.  See, I would turn everything so that in some way, shape, or form until it revolved around me.
  3. I am grateful. I really do not think I was grateful for much of anything before I began depression treatment.  I hardly saw anything positive so I really did not see anything to be grateful for.  I find it interesting that making a conscious effort to be more positive led to me being more grateful.  If it were a math problem it would look something that this:   Me + Positive Thinking = Grateful Attitude
  4. I love how depression treatment has taught me to view myself differently. I have more self-worth and more self-confidence.  I am proud of my accomplishments.
  5. I like how depression treatment has made me willing to continue to work on myself.  Like early this morning when I identified that I chose not to use my tools to turn off my brain when it was time to sleep.  Instead of wallowing in self pity because I have gotten no sleep, or beating myself up because I was not acting very intelligent when I chose not to use those tools, I identified where I messed up and decided to do things differently the next time I ran into that issue.

Good Morning

Posted on by
9

It is four in the morning and I still have not been able to sleep.  I think I know why.  Today is the day, that my change is depression medications is probably going to start.  I cannot say I am worried about it, but I have been thinking about it.  I have not been able to shut my brain off.  I keep wondering if the withdrawal from the Effexor is going to be as bad as I have read it can be.  It either will be or it won’t, but I still wonder how it will be for me.  I have also been thinking about what type of new depression medication the doctor will try.  If she is going to keep it in the same class of medications (SSNRI) or if she is going to go in a completely different direction?

I really should not have allowed this thinking to keep me up all night.  Unfortunately, I did.  I just did not get it turned off in time to allow me some sleep.  This is kind of like the old days of not being able to turn my brain off.  I have tools now to stop this all night thinking, tools I did not have in the past.  For whatever reason, I chose not to use them.

I have been productive in this time of no sleeping.  I changed my blog layout, and fixed breakfast for my husband.  Did some reading and caught up on some of the blogs I follow.  Even with all that productivity, my mind keep going back to what might, could, or would happen today.  Obsessive thinking.  No other way to describe it.

I think I had gotten so used to how good I felt and my brain felt on Effexor, that until all the recent medical issues with it, I had willingly accepted the fact that I would probably be on it for the rest of my life.  That was MY plan.  Once again, I am being shown that I do not need to create so many of my own plans.  I need to be more flexible. If I had not set my mind on Effexor being my forever drug then chances are, I probably would not have spent so much time thinking about the upcoming changes.

I will chalk this up as yet another lesson learned.  I hope everyone has a great day!

Not My Plan…

Posted on by
3

There was a time, during my deepest, darkest depression days, when I lost my faith.  I could not believe that my God would allow me to live in so much pain.  I was angry with Him, and no longer trusted Him.  I felt betrayed by Him.  As my mind began to heal, so did my relationship with God.    I realized that He never wanted me to go through so much pain. I believe that a series of choices I made during my adult life cleared the way for depression to take a firm foot hold in my life.  Once that happened, my ability to reason and make logical choices flew out the window.

Despite what I chose, death by suicide, God had a different plan for me.  Even though I could not see His presence through my pain, He never left me.  He never betrayed me. He made sure that when I finally chose to seek help that the right people were placed in my path. He gave me the inspiration to start blogging, and then showed me that I was good at writing.

He showed me that my pain filled past could help someone in their pain filled present.

This week has been so full of that message.  I really needed that reassurance.  Like everyone else in the world, there are days when I struggle.  There are days when I need reassurance that I am helping.  I think God filled that cup up this week, so that I would carry His message of Hope with me every where.  So that on the days that I struggle, I have His message to sustain me.

Every Friday, I create a guest post for @MargaretsBlogs of The World As I See It.  For this week’s post, she had asked me to do something for Invisible Illness week, the topic was depression.  I started on a post for her, then I got side tracked.  I decided to create a video about depression for myself.  While I was creating it, it came to me that I should give the video to @MargaretsBlogs for the Friday guest post.  It was a struggle to make the video.  When I thought it was finished, I attempted to upload it to YouTube. YouTube would not accept it.  It seems there were some copyright issues with the two songs I had planned on using.  So then I spent hours going through YouTube’s approved music list to find two more songs.  The two new songs I found are wonderful.  Not only do I like them better than I what I had originally wanted to use, I feel that they also have more meaning.  In fact, one of the songs is one of my favorite Hyms. It feels to me that God was directing the video and the music.

When I sent the link to @MargaretsBlogs, I was so nervous.  I was not sure if she would want to use it, or even if she would like it. What I got in response showed me once again that there had been Divine Intervention.  She said, “I want you to know that this video is something that I needed to watch.  It is like God told you just what I needed right now.”

You can see the video on The World As I See It.

I have a friend who lives in Scotland.  I have known her for many years.  She taught my 20 year old son when he was in First Grade. So if my math is correct, we have known each other for….a very long time.  She and her husband own their own Bed and Breakfast, 1883 Guest House.  I hope I can go visit her there someday.  She has become the head supporter  of my book writing efforts.  I sent her a link to the video.  In response she wrote me a note with some very good questions.  I decided to answer them in this blog post.  To me, with this added to the other things that I have been brought to my attention, I am convinced that there is a message from God in all of this. He wants me to pay attention to it.

My friend wrote:

Have you ever stopped and thought about the reason for your depression? Without it would you have discovered your talent of writing and creating help for other people? Would your family be as strong as it is today? Lots of questions to ponder. I am in awe of you.
L
xxxxx

  1. I do not think my depression and the pain I went through were part of God’s plan for me.  What I do think, is now that I have gone through it, and am starting to see the other side of things, God is using what I went through to help other people.
  2. I cannot even image my life in the past without the depression, or previous depressive episodes, or my negative thinking.  It all had become such a part of me.  I think getting my mind healthy is more of the reason I discovered that I had a talent for writing and could use it to help other people.  I thought so little of myself before my treatment started that I never would have written about things so publicly.  I would have thought that it was not good enough.  The process of getting mentally health is what showed me that I had a great many more talents and gifts than I ever thought I had.
  3. I think  my family is stronger because of what we all have learned as I have been getting my mind healthy.  Our family dynamics are healthier as well.  Once I began demanding that  I be heard, and saying what I mean and meaning what I say, and insisted on certain things, all of our relationships began to change.  As I progressed in my treatment, and I became happier, my family enjoyed being around me more.  Although, I was the one technically in treatment, the way things have worked out, it is like we all were in treatment.

I am also in awe of you, my friend.  Since I have known you, you have had a strength that I have always admired.

There is still more that was said to me that reinforces that I need to pay attention to what I believe God is trying to show me.  When I was at my appointment with the new psychiatrist she asked me if I knew what I had been diagnosed with.  I believe she was asking this because she wanted to make sure I was self aware.  I was able to tell her my diagnosis was Major Depression with Anxiety components.  She asked me why I thought I was given that diagnosis.  I told her about how long the depression lasted and about my suicide attempts.  Then out of the blue she said, “With all that you tried to do to kill yourself and it did not work, you must be here for a reason.”  When I started telling her about my blog and the other activities I have been doing to bring awareness to mental illness, she let me know that she thought that was at least part of the reason I was meant to be here.

Finally, last night on Twitter, one of my favorite Twitter people sent me several tweets about this same topic.  Her Twitter name is @diesel_lady. The following is a copy of the Tweets:

@MelissaMashburn I’m so proud of you and all you’ve accomplished. I keep up with you and your work for the “suicide” cause. So proud.

@MelissaMashburn I think you’re brave, caring, and genuinely concerned with people contemplating taking their own life.

@MelissaMashburn I’m sure you’ve inadvertently helped people online who thought about it until they read your feed.

@MelissaMashburn You’ve shared your personal story, blogged, and shown support for various causes.

@MelissaMashburn I’m so glad your attempt was unsuccessful. We would have missed out on a great lady and dear sister. Love you

I feel blessed.  I am blessed that these ladies (and others I did not list here) took the time to share their thoughts with me. These reminders of my purpose are exactly what I needed.  I am very thankful that I am not alone in my journey, God has gifted me with the most amazing people.

Rolling Rolling Rolling

Posted on by
19

What a busy week I have had!  Group therapy Monday, blood work on Tuesday, psychiatrist on Thursday, doctor appointment Friday.  I made it through all of that, learned a few new things, and had some questions answered.

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling is an excellent way to describe this week and the changes it represents for me.  I had to keep rolling along all week, keeping up with all these appointments.  I had to roll with the punches when the treatment center called me Thursday and moved my appointment time up by hours.  I also have had to roll with the news that I will have to change depression medications.

I met the new the psychiatrist Thursday.  I thought that doing the appointment by webcam would not work out good.  I figured I would feel uncomfortable, and not be able to discuss things with the doctor like I needed to.  It was the total opposite of that.  The new psychiatrist is a woman, she was very personable and pleasant.  Very quickly I forgot that we were talking to each other through a monitor and it was like talking to someone who was right in front of me. I brought up the topic of my depression medication and that it might be having a negative affect on my body.  I had some blood work a couple of months ago, and one of the results suggested that something might be going wrong with my liver.  There is also the fact that the medication seems to be affecting my ability to keep my blood sugar under control, as well as my blood pressure.  The psychiatrist agreed that it was something that we needed to look into and told me to come back and see her next week, after I got some more blood work back.

Yesterday, I got the results of the blood work.  This time my liver looked great, my other numbers (A1C and blood glucose) were horrible.  Just horrible.  My blood pressure was insanely high, 183/128.  The doctor seeing me for my medical stuff was so appalled by what she saw, she was ready to write me a new prescription for a different anti-depressant right then and there.  I asked her not to, because I wanted my psychiatrist to do that, since she will understand more about what to give me.

I go back to the psychiatrist on Thursday and I suppose that we will start putting plans into place to change my anti-depressant.  There has to be a plan.  My anti-depressant is Effexor.  The withdrawal for Effexor has been known to frequently have terrible withdrawal symptoms.  I have read that the withdrawal can be so bad that many people fire their psychiatrist after they come off of it, because they are angry that they were prescribed it in the first place.

I am rolling with this as well.  What choice do I have?  I suppose I could choose to be angry and upset that I have to go through the process of finding the right medication…again.  I could be whiny about the withdrawal, that might be bad.  I have the option to obsessively worry that this might cause me to go into a depressive episode. However, to be quite frank about, what good would it do if I chose any other option but rolling with it? Not a darn thing.  In fact, I believe choosing any other option would be more detrimental to my mental health than the process of having to change depression medications will be.

These are the things that I have going for me.

  • My state of mind is soooooo much better than it was when I first started treatment for my depression.  I believe that will make it easier for me to deal with the changes in medication.
  • With my state of mind being better, I believe that even if I have a depressive episode as a result of the changes, it will not be anywhere close to how bad the depression was when I first began treatment.
  • I have created a super, terrific support system.  They are aware that I might be in a horrible mood during this process and more than willing to put up with me and support me.
  • There are so many options for medications that I know the right one will be found for me.
  • Physically, I should feel better once we find the right medication.  My husband pointed out that most likely the reason I frequently have days where I feel rotten is because of the high blood sugar and high blood pressure.
  • The psychiatrist very clearly said to me “This will be a difficult process, but I WILL get you through it!” I take comfort in knowing that she feels such concern about me.

There was a time, not too long ago, that I would have freaked out about anyone messing with my anti-depressant.  I still vividly remember how awful I felt before I started treatment.  I never want to go back to feeling that way.  It affected my brain, body and soul. In the last few months, I have realized something…

As long as I am doing what needs to be done to protect my mental health, including being willing to change medications, I will be okay.

My Daughter Speaks Out…

Posted on by
16

I love my daughter.  She is funny, intelligent, warm and caring.  She sparkles when she smiles.  Every morning when she wakes up, she kisses me.  My daughter impresses me with her strength and self confidence. She is a blessing to me.

I have not always been the mother she has needed and wanted.  She had to spend a great deal of time raising herself and worrying about me during the time that my depression was so bad.  She deserved better than what I gave her. I have been more afraid of what she thought about me and that time in our lives than any other person in my family.

When I brought up the idea of her answering some questions for my blog, I figured she would be resistant.  To my surprise, she not only agreed to answer my questions, she really seemed to want to.  Her answers were honest, forthright, and for me, brutal.

What did you think when you found out that I had tried to commit suicide?

I was scared. I honestly didn’t know what to think. Anger went through me when I found out you were in the hospital again! Then when dad and I showed up at the hospital I got really sad, ’cause I didn’t know what was going to happen. You kept getting worse and a nurse said “Why dont you take your kid somewhere else? She doesn’t need to see her mother like this.”  Right then and there I knew everything wouldnt be fine. I knew something awful was going to happen. I was sad and mad

What was it like to be around me before I started getting help for my depression?

It was awful. I didn’t know when you would have a good day. The littlest things would set you off and you would yell. or you would just stay in bed all day under the covers and not come out. The rare times you would come out would be to get something to eat or drink, other than that I hardly saw you.. or you would be angry.

Are you ever embarrassed to have a mom who has a mental illness?

I’m not embarrassed to have a mother with a metal illness. I’m glad you are still here. I could have it really bad, and not have you here today.  Soo I’m thankful I have a mother, even if you have a mental illness. We all have our problems, and we just have to learn to move on and live with them…

Knowing that mental health issues are in our family, what are you going to do to keep your mind healthy as you grow up and when you are an adult?

I know there is a very high chance of me getting everything you have right now. However, considering I have seen it first hand with you, I will have a good idea on how to catch it and make sure it doesn’t get as far as yours did.

How will I keep my mind healthy? I will think right and do the right things. I will see a person who knows if I could get it every so often just to make sure I won’t get mental health issues or if needed, to catch it in time before its get to the really bad stage…

website-hit-counters.com
Provided by website-hit-counters.com site.

My Mother's Point Of View…

Posted on by
4

Last week, I asked my mother some questions that had to do with my suicide attempt and depression. Despite any pain answering these questions might have caused her, she took the time to answer them.  Two things jumped out to me when I read what she wrote, 1. my mother has a deep love for God (something I admire) and 2. my mother loves me bunches.

What were your initial thoughts and feelings when you learned that I had attempted suicide?

Sadness.  Confusion.  Knew you were not happy but had no idea the depression was so deep.  Sorrow that you felt so unworthy and unloved.  It grieves me that any human being would feel so alone.

It bothered me that you would be in such a fog that it wouldn’t register that the God who created you, who knows the number of hairs on your head, who has your name written on the palms of his hand, who knit you together in your mother’s womb would NEVER leave you nor forsake you.  He said so.

Did you have any idea that I was depressed before the suicide attempt?

No.  Our past history had left a a wide chasm between us and I really wasn’t close enough to you to know about your state of mind.  I did believe that you were a very unhappy person.

What did you think about my Psychiatric Hospitalization?

Hopeful that you were in a place where you could get some real help and not harm yourself.

Do you believe that you have ever had any depressive episodes?

Definitely.  As a young wife away from family and friends, and pregnancy made it worse.

What changes have you noticed in me since I began therapy and my mental health medication?

You seem happy and interested in other people.  You seem to be enjoying life and handling all the ups and downs it throws at you.  You seem confident and you are fun to be around.  You have a lot interesting things to say and yet you are a good listener.  It’s clear that family is important to you and you treat us with respect and honor and love.

In the last few years I have noticed many positive changes in you.  What propelled you to make those changes in yourself?

A firm belief in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Master, and my desire to please and emulate Him in spite of the fact that we are born into this world as wicked sinners.  He is my guidepost, my standard.  Although, I disappoint Him in many ways, I try to remember to honor and glorify Him in all I do and say…..To have someone recognize that there is a difference in my life makes me feel really good but best of all it is a testimony to the goodness of our God.

What do you think is my best quality?

I thought long and hard about this one – perseverance – some might call it stubbornness – something the women in our family have a full helping of – it does serve to help us overcome a great many difficulties.  I think you have “harnessed” that stubborn spirit in a positive manner and use it to your advantage.

Any thoughts you want to share that were not covered by my questions?

I have wanted to see you happy and enjoying life for a long time.  It makes me happy beyond words to see you participating in life and sharing with us the wonderful person that God made you to be.

I never want you to be afraid that we would not love you nor forgive you or that you ever have to go through a trial alone.

Depression, Suicide, and Family

Posted on by
4

It has been a year and a half since my suicide attempt.  My outlook on life has radically changed during that time.  I have gone from knowing that death was my only option, to having the life I have always wanted.  I have really had to work hard to change so much in a relatively short amount of time and I have had to spend a great deal of time concentrating on myself.

At first, the amount of time I spent working on helping my mind heal left me with very little emotional reserve to be able to handle my family’s emotional reactions and thoughts about my depression and suicide attempt.  Later on, I made a conscious decision to carefully skirt around those topics.  I was afraid to hear what they would say.

Although, I believe the time has come to finally hear my family’s thoughts, I am still afraid.  It is one thing to deal with your own pain, it is quite another to find out how your self-destructive actions impacted those you love.  At this time, both my mother and daughter have shared their thoughts with me, and they have generously given me permission to post what they said on my blog.  I will be posting what they said this week.

I would like to encourage everyone to take the time to read what they each have written.  I know it was not easy for either one of them to think about that time and I admire their courage in answering the questions I asked them.

Counseling Appointment

Posted on by
4

I had an appointment with my counselor today.  I think it went really well.  I talked with her about leaving my safety zone and going four hours away to my parents house.  Having to sleep in the bat house one night and all the places I went while I was there.  I did admit to her that I had some anxiety on the way back home, because my brain started the whole stupid what if game.  What if the house burned down while we were gone?  What if the electricity is out when we get home?  She sort of laughed and said “You had no problem sleeping in a house with bats for one night but you got anxious on the way home”  I knew what she was trying to point out.  Most people would have been a little anxious to sleep in the bat house, and been okay on the drive home, and my anxieties were the exact opposite.  Kind of pointing out how unfounded most of my worries are.

I spoke with her about my frustration with regards to some people not listening to me when I am specific about something.  My counselor suggested that I just start writing them down.  Since most of what is not listened to is small things (but they build up frustration in me) she said this would be a simple thing to do.  Especially, now that I carry a little notebook with me everywhere.  Once I have what it is I want or need written down, then I hand it to the person who is supposed to be listening to me, but really is not.  I think I am going to give it a try.

I also told the counselor how I let my son have it via text yesterday.  I had bought some onesies for the baby.  Since I do not know the sex yet, I bought one for a boy, that says “If you think I am handsome, then you should see my daddy”, and one for a girl that says “If you think I am pretty, then you should see my mommy”.  My daughter in law immediately sent a very gracious thank you, my own son…..nothing.  In fact I had texted him about some other things and still no answer.  Finally yesterday I had texted him and asked him if he had fallen of the earth since I had not heard from him.  The response I got was that he had been “too busy”.  I promptly let him know that he could have taken two minutes to text me, and that if he did not want me involved in the baby’s life, let me know now.  That is probably the first time in a very long time that I did not let him get away with disrespectful behavior towards me.  I told the counselor that it was about time I started setting some boundaries with my son.

The counselor said she was very impressed with the things I have been doing in the last week and a half and that she felt like the trip to Augusta was a huge step forward in my recovery.

Oh, one last thing.  The state gave the psychiatric clinic enough money to start a few new group sessions.  They are going to start a depression group out there in August.  Which means it will only be a 10 to 15 minute drive from my house.  I am seriously considering trying the group setting.  It might help me improve some of my real life social skills.