The other night I experienced an uncomfortable – yet familiar – set of emotions. It was feeling as if I had done something wrong, disappointed someone, and I was going to get into trouble for it. They caused me to feel very anxious, gave me an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, and made me extremely over sensitive to what the people around me said and did. Fortunately, I was able to recognize them for what they were – an ingrained habit learned over the last several years.

My daughter-in-law had spent most of the day out of the house. We had lunch, picked up a prescription for mom, went to Walmart, Krys had her hair done, and etc. We did not get back to the house until after 6:00 PM. We had not intended to stay gone that long, it just sort of happened. When we got home, my dad was already home from work, and was cooking supper. I did not realize it at the time, but he was not really feeling well because of a cold he was coming down with. He was not cranky, but because of how he felt he was not acting like he usually does when he gets home from work.

Instantly, I started thinking he was mad at me because I was not home before he was – to start on supper. I felt like I had let him down. I just “knew” that I was in trouble. Almost as soon as those thoughts took root in my mind, something dawned on me. I am a grown up. I do not have a curfew. I do not have to be home all the time. I do not even have to be home in time to fix supper. With that realization came another. I have been living in an environment of judgment, and unrealistic expectations for so long that – even though I am no longer in it – I still react as if I am.

I know it is going to take time to put aside that particular thought pattern. I am not even sure how to go about it. Maybe acknowledging that it is a problem is the beginning of doing away with it, but I am not completely sure. The next time I go to group, I will bring it up to my counselor. I am sure she will have some suggestions – homework – for me. In the meantime, if any of you have any suggestions for what might work, feel free to leave me a comment.

In the past, negativity, sadness, anxiety, and worry clouded both my waking, and sleeping dreams. I was so good at imagining a different reality for myself, that the emotions I felt were real. Unfortunately, I never concentrated that good imagination on anything positive. Life is different now. I see so many good things in life, that I find it impossible to take my thoughts, and dreams down such negative paths.

In the past couple of days, I have come to the realization that this is a very exciting time in my life. Once my divorce is final, I will be truly single – no husband, no boyfriend, no children – for the first time in over 20 years. Granted, I do feel some anxiety at the thought of that. However, for the most part, I am looking at it as a new adventure for me to experience. I have had a few day dreams about what my life could be like – especially if I had a car, and some money – as I embark on this new journey.

If I had the means to do so, I would love to be able to just jump into a car and drive around the US. One of the things I would like to do is to meet some of my blogging friends. People like Margaret, Jacqui, Chrisa, and Kristina – there are many more in addition to those four. I think it would be wonderful to put faces, and voices to the lives I read about everyday.

I would also like to revisit the many places in the US that I was fortunate to be able to see when I was a child. As a kid I appreciated the things that I got to see, but it was from a child’s perspective. It would be awesome to go to those same places, and view them from the perspective of an adult, with the memories of a child. Going back to Yellow Stone Park would definitely be near the top of my list of places to visit again. So would visiting the Everglades. However, the location that would be at the top of my list would definitely be Epcot at Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, Florida. I have such fun memories of that place. I think it would be awesome to go back to see how much has changed since the last time I was there.

If I could hit the road – while visiting my blogging friends, and revisiting places I got to go to when I was kid – I would  love to include the many places in the States I have not been able to see yet. For some reason – probably because my favorite author writes so much about it – I want to go to Maine. I have always wanted to go to Ellis Island, and see the Statue of Liberty, so New York would definitely be one of my destinations. One place that I have really wanted to visit is Alaska. It seems like such a beautiful place, that I would love to take in that beauty in person.

Some of these dreams may come true, while others may not be possible. Either way it does not matter to me. It just feels nice to have good dreams running around in my head.

What is something good and/or exciting that you day dream about?