The other night I experienced an uncomfortable – yet familiar – set of emotions. It was feeling as if I had done something wrong, disappointed someone, and I was going to get into trouble for it. They caused me to feel very anxious, gave me an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, and made me extremely over sensitive to what the people around me said and did. Fortunately, I was able to recognize them for what they were – an ingrained habit learned over the last several years.

My daughter-in-law had spent most of the day out of the house. We had lunch, picked up a prescription for mom, went to Walmart, Krys had her hair done, and etc. We did not get back to the house until after 6:00 PM. We had not intended to stay gone that long, it just sort of happened. When we got home, my dad was already home from work, and was cooking supper. I did not realize it at the time, but he was not really feeling well because of a cold he was coming down with. He was not cranky, but because of how he felt he was not acting like he usually does when he gets home from work.

Instantly, I started thinking he was mad at me because I was not home before he was – to start on supper. I felt like I had let him down. I just “knew” that I was in trouble. Almost as soon as those thoughts took root in my mind, something dawned on me. I am a grown up. I do not have a curfew. I do not have to be home all the time. I do not even have to be home in time to fix supper. With that realization came another. I have been living in an environment of judgment, and unrealistic expectations for so long that – even though I am no longer in it – I still react as if I am.

I know it is going to take time to put aside that particular thought pattern. I am not even sure how to go about it. Maybe acknowledging that it is a problem is the beginning of doing away with it, but I am not completely sure. The next time I go to group, I will bring it up to my counselor. I am sure she will have some suggestions – homework – for me. In the meantime, if any of you have any suggestions for what might work, feel free to leave me a comment.