You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I can take the next thing that comes along. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Sometimes I think I am like the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz.  The one thing he most wanted in the world was courage.  He wanted it so much he was willing to face the scary, powerful Wizard to obtain it.  Little did he realize that he had courage all along, facing the Wizard proved it.   Silly Lion, facing the fear is a mark of courage!

One of my biggest fears since a medication was found that worked on my depression has been anyone or anything getting in the way of me being able to take it.  That includes when I have been in the hospital for asthma, and the timing of when I was to take the depression medication was changed.  I have had such a fear of it that my previous psychiatrist was able to detect severe anxiety in me even when I just thought about my depression medications being changed in some way.

I have been so afraid that a medication change would happen, that I actually deluded myself into believing that it could never happen. Now, what I have feared has become a reality.  Not only has changing depression medications become a reality, I am having to stop taking the one I have been on cold turkey. I cried when I received the news.  I cried mostly because I was afraid.

I admit it.  I am afraid. I am afraid that I will lose all or at least most of what I have gained over the last year and a half.  I am afraid that I will lose my sanity.  I am afraid of feeling as sick in my head and body as I used to.  I am more afraid of these things than of death.

I have realized something over these last few, very hard days – thanks in part to my mother.  Being afraid is okay. Being afraid is normal. Mentally Ill or not, anyone in a similar set of circumstances would probably be afraid.

So here I am on my third day of withdrawing from Effexor.  I feel rotten.  I have the worst headache I have ever had in my life. I am constantly thirsty.  I get hungry, eat, then I want to throw up.  My body aches from head to toe.  I have no idea how long it will be before I can start on a new anti-depressant. I am still afraid. However, the fear that I have now feels different than it did.  It is hard to explain but the fear I have now feels as if it is empowering.  Like I looked that fear I had of depression medication changes in the face and said, “I know you now.  You still scare me, but you cannot defeat me.”

Now I know what it feels like for other people when they have medication changes. I can sympathize and empathize with what they are going through. I can be of better help to them.  I also know that the next time I have to go through something like this – I am sure there will be a next time – I am strong enough to handle it.

To myself I say, “Silly Melissa, facing the fear is a mark of courage!  You Win!”