Since I had written a list of things that would not be good to say to a person with depression, I thought I would take the time to write a list of things that might help someone with depression. Some of these came from other people, some from the internet and some from me. If you disagree with any of the things on this list let me know, or if you have something to add, contact me and I will add what you said to the list.

1. I am here for you.  You are not alone in this.
2. You are important to me
3. Do you want a hug?
4. When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.
5. I cannot really understand what you are going through, but I can offer you my compassion.
6. I am not going to leave or abandon you.
7. I love you (say this only if you mean it)
8. We do not have to talk if you do not want to, but I am here if you decide you do.
9. I am not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I care about you.
10. How can I be most helpful to you?

I was reading something that Kimmie Smith had written about why trying to change another person does not work and something clicked in my head.  What occurred to me was that in my efforts to create a perfect environment for me to get the most out of my depression recovery process, I had been demanding that the people around me change.

I knew I had to change so that I could get a handle on my depression. However, I had no right to demand that the people around me change as well.  I could ask them to consider changing in certain ways that would make our relationship healthier. It had to be their choice, not something that they felt like I was forcing them to do.

I also realized that some of the boundaries that I had set up were not really boundaries at all, they were actually demands to force people to do things my way.  No wonder my boundary setting has been met with such resistance.  By making my boundaries demands, I was stomping all over someone else’s boundaries.

Sometimes I feel kind of alone in this dilemma, as if I am the only person who really messes up when it comes to setting boundaries or demanding my family change to suit my needs.  All of this is so new to me, that there are times when I feel like I am doing it all wrong.

Once again, I am headed back tot he drawing board.  I need to rearrange some thinking and figure out a better way to set my boundaries.  I am curious to find out if anyone else has had similar issues when they were/are going through their own mental health recovery.  Demanding change, instead of asking?

I know I have spoken about the role our internal dialogue plays in our thinking.  However, I realized the importance of revisiting this topic after I read something written by Kimmie Smith at Relax-Relate-Let Go.

Depending on which voice we are listening to, these voices can influence our thinking in positive or negative ways. What are your voices saying to you? Are they encouraging and uplifting, or do they insult you and attempt to take away your feelings of self worth?

One of the first things my counselor had me do when I first started seeing her, was to find at least three positive things about any situation or thought that I had.  Slowly, I began replacing my negative thinking with thoughts that were positive.  The next step was to start replacing my negative internal dialogue with one that was uplifting and positive.

Just stating it like that makes it seem like the process was super easy. The truth is, this has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  The voices I have listened to for most of my life were negative, mean and spiteful.  Learning how to block them out and listen to the ones that wanted to uplift me and tell me that I was a worthy person was a challenge of a lifetime.

Once I was able to change my focus from negative to positive, I found that my depression had less and less control in my life.  That not nice voice. that wanted me to keep listening to it is now silent most of the time, and the voice that speaks of nothing but love to me, comes in loud and clear.

Again, what do your voices say to you?  Are you listening to the ones that are intent on making you feel bad or are you only paying attention to the ones that lift you up?

There is an exercise that many people use when they are trying to change what the voices within them say.  Kimmie Smith explains it on her site.  Basically, you write down all the thoughts you have for a 24 hour period.  When the time is up, you look at what you have written and decide whether your thoughts are mostly negative or positive. I think this is a great tool in helping someone learn how to listen to the positive voice, however, it was one that never would work for me.  The act of writing stuff down, just feels like too much effort to me.  Instead, what I did was to pay much more attention to my thoughts and the words that came out of my mouth.  Each time I had one that was negative, not nice, or mean, I would make a concerted effort to replace it with something that was positive and uplifting.

Take the time to figure out what your voices within say to you, and which ones you listen to the most.  It very well could be the most productive step you take in maintaining good mental health.

I believe that most of us tend to focus on the big victories in our lives rather than spend much if any time focusing on our little victories. I think this habit begins when we are children, from our families’ tendency to celebrate the big things that happened in our lives, like scoring the game winning goal, or acing the big test. So in a way we are programed to focus on our big victories rather than take stock of the little victories in our lives.

I believe when we only focus on our big victories, we are doing ourselves a disservice. Those little victories are the foundation for our big victories. They also sustain our hope and positive thinking in between the big victories or when we are going through a rough time. If you look carefully, you can find little victories through out your day. Did you control the urge to spend money unwisely? Or keep cool during a tense situation? Be proud of yourself when you notice a small victory and make a mental not of it. Consider taking the time to write down your small victories when you notice them. Be detailed, writing down everything that made you feel triumphant.

When we choose to only acknowledge our big victories, it is easy for us to become frustrated. Instead of only basing our victories on the big things that we achieve in life, like getting a big promotion, being a winner, or acing the big test, we should be open to acknowledging the little victories that happen every day.  When we can do this, it makes it easier for us to not be caught up with negative feelings.

My challenge for myself is to keep my eyes focused on my next little victory and make a list of my little victories.  Want to join me?

My Little Victories

• Making it to my counseling session even though physically I did not feel the best yesterday.
• Taking more pride in my appearance than I have in a long time because of depression.
• Making a homemade banana pudding for my daughter.
• Getting a blog post written today, even though I was not totally in the mood to do so.
• Reaching a better understanding of how my depression has affected my husband.
• Maintaining a positive mental attitude even when I physically felt bad.
• Acknowledging that I was cranky, and needed to let others know so that they knew what I was dealing with.