Monthly Archives: February 2010

Love Many

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The Optimal Optimist is a blogger whose posts I have been reading lately.  So far I have enjoyed her blog and like that it is a blog focused around positivity.  A few days ago she wrote a post titled, Paddle Your Own Canoe.  The whole post was written around a cute little phrase “Love many, trust few,  and learn to paddle your own canoe.”  She writes about how the three sections of this phrase represent three factors of finding true happiness.

When I first sat down to write a response to her post, it was going to be full of reasons why I disagreed with her.  After trying this approach three different times, I finally had to admit that the more I read what she wrote, the more I agreed with it.   I think my problem was my own state of mind at the time.  I was prepared to disagree with her before I even read her post.  It had to do with the first part of the phrase.  “Love Many”

In fact, I was so prepared to disagree with her that I missed her whole take on what “Love Many” meant.  I do not love easily.  Love takes trust, and still being on this side of being a cynical person, I rarely find people I can love.  I am still struggling with that whole concept of loving myself.

When I first read her post, I assumed that what I was going to read would be another of what I call fluffy bunny, lets all hug everyone, and love everyone posts.  Instead she was advocating that not only should we show love to our family,  we should also show love to the other people in our lives that deserve it.  Not a willy nilly love fest, but showing and spreading love to people we already have in our lives and trust.  People that are special to us.

She also said that the more love we put out there, the more we would get in return.  She is absolutely right as far as I am concerned.  In my own experiences, I can say that the more I show love, the more my family and friends are comfortable showing love to me.  Like hugging.  I hate hugging.  It invades my personal space.  However, people in my family value hugging.  For them it is an outward sign of affection.  The last time my parents were in town, I actually hugged them without them having to hint around they wanted a hug. Not only do I think it made them feel good, but it made me feel good when they hugged back. 

I think it is interesting that I mentioned trust when I was writing about the first part of the phrase, because the second part of the phrase is “Trust Few”.  Now how could I think that the “Love Many” part would have anything to do with a fluffy bunny love fest?  See how stuck I was in my preconceived opinions?

The Optimal Optimist talks about a “Circle Of Trust”.  We can rely on those people in our “Circle Of Trust”, but we need to be careful about who we extend an invitation to join that “Circle Of Trust” to.  Not everyone will have our best intentions in mind.

So far what she had to say about the first and second parts of the phrase go right to the heart of what I think about the same topics.  It only took me reading those parts about four times to get over myself and see that.

The last part, “Learn To Paddle Your Own Canoe”.  This is the one part that I did not mess up on.  I agree with her that it is the most important part.  Learning to be ourselves.  I want to take it a step further and say that I also think it means learning how to love ourselves, trusting ourselves and having confidence in ourselves.  In my opinion, it is difficult, almost impossible to be ourselves if we do not have the other qualities to go along with it.

She asked that the readers of her post take that day to think about that phrase.  Love Many, Trust Few, Learn To Paddle Your Own Canoe.”  I took two days.  I am so glad I did.

By taking a couple of days to think about what she wrote, I believe I got more out of her post than she had in mind for people to take away from it.  I learned that I really need to let go of some preconceived opinions about things.  I am not doing myself or other people justice by forming an opinion before I carefully look something over. 

I also decided that I really need to show the people in my life, who really deserve it, more love.  I realize that I do not have to do anything elaborate or spectacular but just something to let them know that I love them. 

Do you think you need to show more love to the deserving people in your life?  How about loving yourself, do you need to do more of that?

Are you like me and are quick to form opinions without having all the information?  If so, is it something that you feel needs to be changed about yourself, or are you OK with it.

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Living With Or Suffering From

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Suffering from major depression or living with major depression? Is there a difference? Do they mean the same thing?

The definition for suffering is the condition of one who suffers; the bearing of pain or distress.

The definition for living is possessed of or exhibiting life.

From those two definitions alone, there seems to me to be a difference in those two phrases. On a more personal level, I think there is a difference. To me suffering from depression means that the depression is in control of all my thoughts, feelings and life. Living with depression means that I am doing what I can to take control of my depression and not let it be the thing that runs every aspect of my thoughts, feelings and life.

I try very hard when I talk or write about my depression to use the phrase “living with major depression”. If I can say “I am living with major depression” it means that I am being hopeful about my ability to keep heading to a healthier frame of mind. Not to mention major depression is depressing enough, and “living with major depression” just sounds so much more positive than “suffering from”.

I know that this is a game of semantics and in the grand scheme of things for most people, it really would not make a difference which phrased they used. However, for me the phrase I choose to use is a very clear indicator, to me at least, where my mind is at that moment.

I think overall for me the use of positive words is part of my recovery process. It is part of finding the positive in all situations and an attempt at seeing the glass as half full rather than half empty.

Do you think the use of words can influence your state of mind?  What positive phrases do you like to use?  

I Would Like To Retire In Alaska

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Welcome to Saturday: 9. What we’ve committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday. Sometimes the post will have a theme, and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated. Those weeks we do “random questions,” so-to-speak. We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment. Because we don’t have any rules, it is your choice. We hate rules. We love memes, however, and here is today’s meme!

Saturday 9: It’s a Beautiful Morning
1. Are you a morning person?

No, No, No, No.

2. Tell us of a news story that truly shocked you.

Honestly?  I do not watch the news anymore.  It is not good for my mental health.

3. What was your very first job?

I worked at Kroger’s as a courtesy clerk, fancy name for a bag boy.  I was the only girl doing that job.  As a matter of fact this was years before they had the bag boys taking groceries out automatically for people.  So what they did is assign a person to “work the lot”.  Which meant whoever was picked had to stand outside their whole work time and offer to carry groceries to people’s cars.  Back then tips were encouraged.  I was always picked to work outside because the boys did not want to do it.  Little did they know how much I was getting in tips.

4. What characteristics do you despise?

despise is the wrong word for me, irritate greatly is better.  Whining, rudeness, and complaining

5. To where would you retire?

I would like to retire in the middle of 100 acres located in Alaska

6. Are you named after anyone?

No

7. How do you release anger?

ummm ok, used to I would yell, and say not nice things, now that I am taking medication for my depression and am getting counseling I deal with it differently.  Usually I write.

8. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Probably too much

9. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

 my depression

Snow In Georgia

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It is very exciting around here today!  We have snow, snow snow!  This is not a usual occurrence here.  We have had snow flurries a couple of times this winter, but not snow like we have now.  I had to go get my dad’s truck from my grandmother’s house and I actually had to use the 4-wheel drive to get home.  The roads are already getting yucky.

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Sunshine Award

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Look what Enguardia gave me.  She gave me a Sunshine Award.  She received one as well from bubbleboo. I love these blogging awards people give out.  I might need to create one of my own.


Positive. Creative. Inspiring.

Here are the criteria for accepting this award:
  • Put the logo on your blog or within your post (right click and save),
  • Pass the award on to 12 bloggers,
  • Link the nominees within your post,
  • Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

Look what Enguardia gave me.  She gave me a Sunshine Award.  She received one as well from bubbleboo. I love these blogging awards people give out.  I might need to create one of my own.

My list of people I have given this award to are:

Conversations With Moms (Maria Melo)
Harriet
Margaret
Really?  (Mee2)
I Think It’s Interesting (asblackasobama)

Drama Overload

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ConversationsWithMoms:Every day Conversations with a Mom Blog

I am frustrated, I mean really frustrated with my mother in law this week.  My husband and I are aware that she has some mental health issues.  She won’t admit to any, but we know based on her behavior and things that she says.  She also has a seizure disorder that has taken a turn for the worse.

Several weeks ago she was driving and had a seizure.  While having her seizure she ran into another car.  The police officers who came to the scene put her on a warning and instructed her to go to her doctor.  She did and her doctor told her no driving.  My mother in law is evaluated weekly at this point and since she keeps having seizures she keeps being told no driving.

My frustration is that my mother in law has taken all of this to the extreme, emotion wise.  I try so hard to be understanding.  I know she has a mental illness.  I try to be paitent.  I try so hard to not get irritated with her.

Last week her being overly dramatic started.  She started telling everyone who would listen she that needed to be right next to her husband (who happens to be dead).   She also started telling my husband that if her children took steps to have her driving license taken away permanently, she would do something to herself. 

I do not mean to sound harsh, or unsympathetic, because I am.  This is something she has done several times in the past.  In most cases I would say, call the authorities and have her put in the hospital for evaluation.  However, it is hard to know if she means it or if it is part of the usual drama she does to guilt her children into doing what she wants. 

What she does not realize she is doing, is putting a huge amount of stress on my husband.  I mean huge.  He loves his mother very much and it causes him a great deal of emotional pain when she acts out this way.  This morning he told me that he has decided to take a break from his mother for a while.  He said he was “just not in the right frame of mind to deal with her drama”

I think that is a wise decision on his part, but it is frustrating that his mother pushed him to that point with her acting out.  I also think it might be good for his sibling to spend more of their time taking care of her for a while.  I am frustrated that my mother in law refuses to see, or acknowledge that her behavior is not only unhealthy for her, but also for the people who love her.

To Swear Or Not Swear? That Is The Question.

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There are sometimes when I come across a blog that just gives me food for thought.  When something gives me food for thought, I usually end up writing about it.  Basically, just putting my thoughts out there on paper, as if I were writing in a journal at home.  At first I thought I was not being true to my blog, when I would write about topics that did not always stick to my main theme.  Then I realized that this is my blog, and if I want to get off track sometimes then that is OK. 


I was looking over a new, to me, blog that I had read yesterday and the author, mesina, had written a post that I just found interesting and I wanted to participate in her discussion about the topic.  In her post. Thou Shalt Not Swear, she talks about “mom bloggers” and whether it was acceptable for them to swear in their blog posts.  Or at what point does a “mom blogger” swearing make you think less of them. 

She also asked a question at the end of her post,.” Do you swear on your blog or do you tend to steer clear of the swear police?”

 I personally think that looking poorly on a mom who uses swear words in their posts is an unfair double, standard. Why would it be OK for one person to use swear words in their posts but not OK for a mom to use swear words?t  A mom is no less human than someone who is not a mom.  Why should a mom who swears in her blog posts be treated differently? Using that logic, then we should say a mom blogger should not even read blog posts with swear words in them. 

For me the only time I would turn away from a post that had swear words in it, is if the swear words were taking away from the author’s point.  That just makes a blog boring for me to read. 

I think that our blogs are our space.  To do with as we please as long as we do not break the terms of service we agreed to.  If  a mom wants to use a swear word here and there or even have a profanity filled post, that is her choice.  It would not make me look at her differently.  At most it might cause me to read her post at a time when my daughter is not looking over my shoulder.

I personally do not swear much if at all in my blog posts.  I may have said shit once or twice, but it is not something I really say a lot.  My reasoning for not using more swear words in my blog, is that in real life I rarely use swear words.  I write like I talk. 

I do however read blog that uses a great deal of swear words in it. Bud, who writes WTIT: The Blog, uses the big swear word all the time in his blog.  Does that make me a bad mother for reading it?

Anyway, to sum things up, I do not look down or differently at mom bloggers who use swear words in their posts.  I do not think they are bad mothers, nor do I think they are of bad moral character.  For many of us our blogs are our place to blow off steam, be creative, and be ourselves.  Using swear words in a blog seems perfectly natural to me, if that is what you choose to do. 

If someone is offended by the fact that a mother would use swear words in her posts, then I dare say that is probably someone that would be offended by a great many things and we would be hard pressed to find something that pleased them.

Mom’s need a place to call their own too, so I say be honest, be creative, be yourself, and have fun with your blog, swear words and all.

What Is Love?

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With Valentine’s Day almost here, I have seen so many blog posts that are dedicated to Love.  How to love your spouse better, how to love your family better, the top ten way to show your love, and etc.  All the ones I have seen have been “How to love”, but I have not seen any that tells me what love is. 

 Love.  Such a little word with so such big implications.  The love of family, the love of self, the love of many, and so many more.  What is love?  I honestly am not sure.  Being so new to having “real” emotions, sometimes I have a hard time really understanding them.  


I know that love is a strong feeling, but then hate is a strong feeling.  So it has to be more than just a “strong feeling”.  Love often leads to people to put their lives in danger for a loved one.  So is being willing to die for someone the meaning of love.  No, I do not think so.  People are willing to die for complete strangers that they have no emotional attachment to.

To me the question of “What is love?” is extremely difficult to answer.  Many people have said what they thought the definition of love is.  So I turned to what they said to help me start narrowing down the definition of love. 

“Love is friendship set on fire.” – unknown

“Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.” – Nicholas Sparks

“Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
The Bible even has something to say about love.

1 Corinthians 13
New International Version
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I think I can start narrowing down a definition now.  I know love is not merely happiness.  If it were just based on happiness then I believe it would not be very enduring.  In my opinion happiness is a very fleeting thing. 

Of the quotes I listed, two seem close to what I think love is.  The quote from Nicholas Sparks and the one from the Bible.

My definition of love is this. Love is feeling compelled to do the little things for someone day in and day out, without complaining or being resentful.  Loving someone means that you feel compelled to lift someone up, and encourage them daily.  Love means you are patient with that person.  Even when you are angry or frustrated.  You do not belittle them, instead you use patience in dealing with them.  Love lasts.  It lasts through the good times and it lasts through the bad times.  It lasts when you feel like your loved one is not showing you the same amount of love you are showing them. Love is trusting someone with your heart, your emotions, and your mind. 

I think when you love someone you are really making yourself vulnerable.  Because you are placing a part of  yourself in the hands of someone you love,  I think it is very important to love carefully. 

I believe that definition could apply to spouses, children, friends, extended family and etc.  What do you think?  What is your definition of love? 

Thursday Thunks

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This week we will answer some crazy questions brought to you by Berleen, the color of blood, and the number negative 18.

1. Kimber is freaking out because I didn’t get the TT done yesterday. I had a busy day. Will you ever forgive me?

Yes, because I forgot to do Thursday Thunks last week.


2. So this weekend is Valentine’s Day. When you think of yourself and this love-filled holiday, what is biggest memory?

My biggest memory……I cannot think of one, I can think of my smallest memory….When I was in highschool a guy wanted to date me and he asked me to go out with him in a fortune cookie.

3. Pajama pants. Who knew it could have so many fricken opinions. (Seriously… if you don’t believe me) Would you… do you… could you wear PJ pants to a store?

Never to the store.  I have to the Emergency room, when I think they are going to admit me.

4. I’m gonna give you one of those big heart candy boxes on Sunday. Are you an expert at chocolate candies and already know whats inside them all or will you just take whichever one and enjoy it no matter what is inside or are you one of those people who sticks their finger in the bottom of the candy to see what the filling is then puts it back if you don’t like it?

What I do is turn the box over where it has the chart that tells you what each type of candy is an often has pictures so you know what taste goes with what candy. 

5. Scented Candles – whats your favorite?

Lavender

6. Snow sucks. We’ve mostly all been hit. What kind of snow shovel do you have? (The rest of you who live in sunny no-snow places… tell me your favorite sunscreen brand)

We do get snow, sometimes.  If it accumulates to the point where it needs to be shoveled then we just use a regular shovel. 

7. The first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up was “Oh crap. Kimber’s gonna be pissed….” then I had a whole bunch of good ideas for questions to ask. Now I can’t remember them. Do you keep a notebook next to your bed for times like that?

Yes and if I am on the computer and come up with an idea, then I put it in a special file for my writing ideas.  I have a crappy memory. 

8. Have you ever seen a groundhog in real, you can touch it and it will bite you, life?
yes, often.  Everyday.  We have loads of groundhogs around here.

9. Is there any key on your keyboard that is starting to wear off? Which one is it?

Not wear, but my space bar sticks.

10. Do you think Kimber should move to Minnesota and take long walks in the snow with Berleen?

No she would be too cold.

Thursday Thirteen

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I have two Thursday 13 lists in this post.  The first list is 13 things I used to think about every single day, all day long before I started getting help for my depression.  The second list is 13 things I think about now.  
I really wanted to make the first list because I thought it was important for people to have a small glimpse into the mind of a depressed person.  However, I knew the list itself would be depressing.  I usually try and end all my posts with something positive, so I felt like the second list would help that happen.
1.  My life sucks.
2.  I am a very bad mother
3.  I am a very bad wife.
4.  I am a burden to everyone
5.  Great another day has gone by and I have not gotten dressed
6.  I just want to hide under the covers and escape from my pain.
7.  If I do this (whatever I chose at the moment) it will cause pain and that will help me feel better.
8. I am crying again….it seems I cry all the time.
9.  I am so tired of living
10  I am in so much pain and I see no end to it
11.  I want to commit suicide
12.  When can I commit suicide
13.  I am going to commit suicide now
The truth is I could list a lot more than 13 things….
1.  I feel so much better than I did a few months ago.
2.  Major Depression is easier to live with now.
3.  I am not a perfect mother but I am not a bad mother.
4.  I am not a perfect wife, but I am not a bad wife.
5.  I still have bad mental health days, but that is ok, at least I try and do at least one productive thing a day.
6..  Hey!  I just laughed at something.
7.  I am very glad that my suicide attempt did not work.
8.  I am looking forward to things now
9.  I have a hobby again (my blog)
10.  I still sleep a lot (from my medicine) but at least I do not spend all day in bed.
11.  I have not had a suicidal thought in a couple of months.
12.  I found my voice
13.  I am in so much less pain than I used to be in.