Along with the major depression, I have an anxiety disorder. I have probably had it to some degree most if not all of my life, however, it did not start to impact the quality of my life until a few years ago. At that time my anxiety manifested to such a degree that at times it became almost impossible for me to leave the house.
I am convinced the daily worry of dealing with the things that were going on in my home when I was a child, set up a pattern of learned behavior. That learned behavior was combined with the chemicals in my brain that did not work properly and some genetic factors, making me more wired to worry than most people are. However, I know there are plenty of people out their with similar wiring who do not end up as incapacitated as I became.
There was a time in my life that as a single woman and mother I could function quite well. I would be anxious and worried but it was more in the back of my mind, and it did not affect my life style. I could take the subway into down town Atlanta with no problem. Make my way around Hong Kong, or work two jobs. I could socialize away from home. The anxiety was not in control of me.
At some point things began to gradually change. So gradually that I cannot really pin point exactly when it started. I can say how it first started manifesting itself. At first if I was going to be away from home for longer than an hour or so I would have to repeatedly call my house. I was checking to see if my house had burned down. That was the worry in my head. I knew that if the house had burned down, when I called I would get that fast busy signal that indicates that the connection to the house was broken. After a while I realized that the further away from the house I got, the worse that worry would get.
Later on the anxiety started revolving around the mail. I absolutely have to be home when the mail runs. While logically I know the world would not come to an end if I am not home, physically and anxiety wise it feels like it will. Again, I noticed that the further away from the house I got, the more anxious I was about the mail.
Being in a group of people began to bother me. I get anxious and become physically exhausted when I spend time around a group of people. The the larger the group the more intense my reaction is. Many times, in anticipation of a group event, the anxiety will begin days before the event is supposed to happen. Making it so that by the time the event is supposed to take place, I can barely function and then I usually end up not going. Also, not being able to escape a group event when I want to can cause an intense anxiety reaction. If I have to ride with someone to a group event, I have no escape since I am dependent on what the other person wants to do.
The anxiety kept getting worse. I began to wake up with a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is as if I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel anxious every day, and if someone were to ask me, most of the time, I would not be able to name an exact thing that is causing it. I often have to take huge “cleansing” breaths just to be able to get myself to function or move. The anxiety that I wake up with usually builds through out the day so that by the time the afternoon gets here I am almost paralyzed by it.
My problem with groups and/or crowds got worse. I had reached a point before I started therapy that I could not manage to even go to the grocery store most of the time. To make my husband and daughter happy, I would attempt to go some place with them at least once a week, but I would be miserable the whole time. Loud noises in that type of setting would make the anxiety worse.
Because I go around in a constant state of anxiety, when something does happen, I over react to it. It could be a normal stress trigger, like an extra bill. With most people it would cause them a little extra anxiety, however with me, I shut down instantly and cannot function. Either I just sit in one spot rubbing my hands,or I have a panic attack.
I started creating elaborate plans of how I wanted things to go. My reasoning is that if I have everything planned out then I would have nothing to feel anxious about. The problem with that is that life does not go according to how we plan it, no matter how good we think our plans are. So with things constantly not going the way I plan, it is not unusual for me to spend days on the verge of a panic attack.
Finally, the anxiety progressed to a point that there became a clearly defined area, with my house being in the center, that my anxiety was manageable but once I left that “safety zone” as I call it, the panic set in.
Basically, I have been almost completely house bound at times. However, with there being so many things, even at home, that cause me to feel anxious or panicked, almost every one of my days is spent in with a nagging, gnawing fear. I am almost always on the edge of panic.
The anxiety has caused me to miss important events in different family member’s lives. I have had to watch the world go by and not be able to participate. I have lost friendships because I could not get past the panic to do the work to maintain them. I have lost relationships with some family members because they thought I was faking or that I was not trying enough to get over my panic attacks and I could no longer participate in their lives outside the home like I used to.
I feel like the anxiety and panic have changed me from a woman who had some confidence in herself, to someone who is very weak and spends most of her time being afraid. The fear has manifested itself to such a degree, that I am even extremely easy to startle. It has invaded my whole being. There are times when it has made me feel as if I were less of a person.
