I am very proud of my husband.  I can see that he appreciates the efforts I have been making to get better, and he has been making efforts to be more understanding. 

I still do not like to go out and about away from home very often, although I do go places more than I used to.  Crowds and loud noises still bother me a great deal.  In the past my husband would get very frustrated when I did not want to go someplace with him and my daughter.  Now he is much better about it.

My husband was invited (along with the rest of the family) to a barn party on a Saturday evening.  As my husband started to tell me about it, one of the first things he said was, “you can stay home if you do not want to go”.

I think he is beginning to understand that when I do not want to go some place, that it is nothing personal, but just what I need at the moment.  Part of me gets recharged being alone, so when he and Anna go someplace without me, it gives me a chance to recharge and feel better.

Purple Flower

Because I have such a hard time keeping a positive attitude, I wanted to set a section of my blog aside where everyday I can point out something that is positive about a person, a thing, or situation.  This exercise is forcing me to be more of a glass is half full kind of person, and helping me maintain a positive attitude.

I am powerless over my emotions and my life has become unmanageable.

My son called early this morning and it was a treat talking to him.  He had a few things he wanted to share with me so we had a nice conversation via text message.

I think my counseling session went really well today.  The counselor came up with some solutions for some problems that I was having  and will be facing.  I left her office feeling better than when I got there.

At two this morning, I got a phone call from my son.  Nick is a nineteen year old Marine, who is currently stationed in California. Like any other mother who gets a phone call from their child at two in the morning, I instantly thought something was very wrong.  He assured me nothing was wrong but told me he had important news to tell me.  Then he said he would have to tell me via text because his room mate was sleeping.  I am so bad at texting.  Now I see why people use those crazy text abbreviations.  I am worse than someone using the one finger typing method, and so slow too.

Nick says again that he has important news to tell me.  After taking a full five minutes to text out “what”, I start thinking he is going to tell me that he is going to be deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan. The professional worrier (me) is really worried now.

The next thing he texted to me put me in such a state of shock, that I still have not recovered.  Nick said he was getting married in January.  Now I am cursing at the phone because I am so slow at texting that I cannot even get out all the questions I have. I did manage to ask him to send me some pictures of her, which he did. He told me she had red hair and a few other minor details. Then he had to go.

It was sometime mid-morning when I realized that I did not even know his finance’s name.I know what it is now. Krystal.

Of course I have the usual mom questions racing around in my head.  Why so soon? Is she nice?  When am I going to get to meet her.  I also have the usual mom concerns, Is he too young to get married.  He has not known her for very long, is he sure she is the one woman for him and so on.

In the end, I realized that he is an adult, this is his decision. I love him and if this makes him happy then I support him in his decision. I just wish I could meet his fiance before the marriage too place.

So now there is a reality for me.  To get to where the wedding is going to take place is going to cause me to be in almost every type of situation that causes me to have a panic attack.  Crowded airplane, loud noises, out side of my safety area, no way to escape back home,and more.  I am almost paralyzed just thinking about it.  I spoke with my counselor about it today and she and I are going to create a plan for me to follow so that it will be easier for me to handle things.  For example, if possible get a hotel near where the wedding is going to take place so I have a place to escape to if things get too much for me.  Also, she is going to talk to my doctor about getting me some special medications to take  when I am forced to be on a crowded plan and other places so I can handle the anxiety better.  She suggested that I take the medicine a couple of times before the trips so I can know what to expect.  I have no choice but to employ these methods to get there, I am just ashamed that it is going to take all that to get to my son’s wedding.

Anna’s Baby

Because I have such a hard time keeping a positive attitude, I wanted to set a section of my blog aside where everyday I can point out something that is positive about a person, a thing, or situation.  This exercise is forcing me to be more of a glass is half full kind of person, and helping me maintain a positive attitude.

Another beautiful, cool, crisp Fall day.  It made me appreciate my Snuggie all the more, since it was very chilly in the morning.  I treasure coffee, without which I would not be able to make it through the day after my sleepless nights.  I really treasure the few times I can have a “real” coke and not the diet or zero type.

Both my parents called today.  Nothing earth shattering to report from either phone call.  It was, however, the first time my mother has called me since I got out of the hospital.  I guess I can make the phone call next time.  My father is under the impression that the less time I spend at home, the better I will feel.  I do feel loads better lately, but still, spending my days away from home all the time, like he wants me to, would not make  me feel better.  In fact, because of my anxiety disorder, it might actually might make me feel worse.  Oh well, he, as usual, thinks he knows better than anyone and will not listen to what I am saying.  He is one of those that also thinks that a positive attitude is all I need to “get better”.  I wish it were that easy.  I have been looking for the easy solution since I started the recovery process and I have not found one yet.

Crazy Clothes Day – Self Portrait