Category Archives: Mental Health
Protecting What I Have Gained
I do not know about other people who live with depression but I very often feel as if I have less control over my depression when my environment is negative. The negativity could be caused by people’s drama, certain songs on the radio, movies, or even television shows.
Being so new in my depression recovery, not even a year, I know that it would be very easy for me to have a serious set back and lose a lot of the ground I have gained so far in my recovery. In an effort to protect that, I have made certain ground rules for myself to keep my environment as positive as possible.
1. No drama. Family or otherwise. If someone attempts to draw me into their drama, I close off communication. Sometimes permanently, sometimes only temporarily. It just depends on how drama prone the person is. I know how I am. Drama feeds into the anger I have, which then feeds into my rage, I say something I regret, whic then feeds into my depression. Or the drama just flat out depresses me.
2. No surrounding myself with negative people with negative thoughts and actions. I have even gone so far as to forbid negative comments from my family. Constructive advice is good, negative comments are bad. That includes gossiping about others. Gossip is negative. I strictly follow the rule of “if you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all”.
3. I always look for at least three positive things for every not so wonderful situation. Sometimes finding three positive things is difficult or impossible, but I always attempt to find those three things. That way I am always guaranteed to have a minimum of one positive thing about every situation. Sometimes the positive things are silly. For example, when it looked like I might have to be in the hospital for Christmas, one of the nurses decided to help me decorate my room and I was looking forward to seeing Santa Claus in the hospital on Christmas day.
4. I will no longer watch certain types of television shows or movies and a lot of times I will not watch the news. This is not to isolate myself, as has been implied by some people, but it is an effort to keep my surroundings as positive as possible. Real life human tragedies cause me to react in an over exaggerated emotional manner. To put it plainly, other people’s tragedies become mine and I react to them as if they were mine. It is debilitating. I am in no way ready to be put in that situation yet. I have yet to watch one single bit of news about Haiti, I see headlines go across my RSS feed ticker. That is enough for me right now.
Same with movies and television shows. If they show human tragedy, I cannot watch them. Recently, I watched my Sister’s Keeper. It was a wonderful movie. However, for a couple of days after seeing it, I was depressed. None of the previews prepared me for the ending.
Following these rules, as best as I can, does help me. What I have gained so far in my depression recovery is very precious to me. I guard it as best as I can on a daily basis. There are days when I do have slip ups and I “break” one of my own rules. I never beat myself up about it. I acknowledge to myself that I messed up and just move on.
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.”
–– Ralph Waldo Emerson
If anyone wants to, I would love to hear what other people do to maintain a positive attitude.
Oy Vey
Yesterday was not one of my better days. I felt very down for most of the day. I lacked a great deal of motivation. Even my blog was difficult for me to work on. I try and write some parts of my blog the day before I want to post them, so I can be sure to get my blog out as early as possible on the day I want it posted. That did not happen. I am still working on even the simplest sections this morning. It is important for me to work, if possible, through those bad days. It takes my mind off of myself and lets me focus on other things. Focusing on other things than myself yesterday was a huge struggle.
This morning started off not as good as I would have liked. I woke up around four in the morning. Buster the boxer was already awake. He was walking around the house. I did not think anything about it and I was drifting back off to sleep. When I was half way asleep, I thought I heard water coming out of a faucet. At first I thought I was dreaming, then I thought it was from a water faucet. Then I remembered we had not left any water on because it was not cold enough for us to worry about. I got up to investigate.
What I discovered is that Buster the boxer had decided to drink a ton of water during the night and filled up his bladder. He knows he is not supposed to go to the bathroom in the house, but I guess his bladder got so full he could not hold it anymore. There was a trail of pee all through the house. I followed the trail and found him by the door. He seemed to have a look of horror on his face, because of the trail of pee, and if dogs could cross their legs, his certainly would have been crossed. He was very happy when I let him out. I was very unhappy at having to clean up the trail of pee.
Picture of the Day – January 16th, 2010
Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know.
Depression And Anger – Two Sides Of The Same Coin
As my depression grew so did my anger. I was furious with the world. I saw it as unfair, unjust, and stupid. I never ran out of things to be angry about. I was frustrated by everything.
It was anger that I had suppressed, repressed, inhibited, and kept internalized for many years. I wallowed in it. It fueled my depression. I used it to pass my emotional pain onto others.
The anger gave me an immediate sense of purpose, a weird and sick sort of motivation. As depressed as I was I needed motivation, but I did not need what the anger gave me. It created a cycle of rage and defeatism in me.
The people I took this anger out on were the people who were closest to me. I would say things that I knew were wrong and inappropriate, but I could not help myself.
When I was not angry with other people, I was very angry with myself. It often led to very self destructive behaviors. That in turn led to more depression and anger.
People who have never had to deal with severe/major depression, have a hard time understanding how anger could be a symptom of depression. After all, when most people think of depression, they think of someone being very sad all the time. However, inappropriate anger is a symptom of depression, it is just not as well known as the other symptoms of major depression are.
My anger continued after I started getting treatment for my depression. It only ended when I realized that some of the things I was most angry about, were some of the very same things that were making me so depressed.
I was frustrated and angry and depressed, in part, because I felt I had no voice. I felt that people took advantage of me, or spoke to me in ways they should not have, or made decisions without my input. I know all I had to do was to speak up and let them know what I thought about things or how they were treating me, but that was an impossibility for me.
As a child, I was not taught that I had a voice. I was not taught that I was an equal to anyone. I was not taught that my opinions and choices were as valuable as anyone’s. So not speaking about what was on my mind became a habit. Then I would become angry about what was going on, and how I had no say so in what was going on.
Once I started to realize how my depression and anger were really just two sides of the same coin, I became ready to start finding my own voice. I started off slowly. Putting up a few boundaries here and there. As I built up confidence I became firmer in my boundary setting, letting other people know my opinion about things, and insisting that I have input into certain decisions.
The more confidence I built up in my own voice, the more my anger went away. There were things that I had been angry about that I felt for sure I was going to have to tackle head on to bring some closure to them. I learned that I did not have to do that with everything I was angry about. Once I learned a better way to deal with things now, it was as if my anger about past wrongs evaporated.
For now, for today, I am not angry. For now, for today, I do not get as angry and rage about things as I used to. For now, for today, I have peace, and a positive outlook on my life.
Ten Things That Helped With My Anxiety
My anxiety used to be very bad. I would wake up every morning with a knot in my stomach, knowing something horrible would happen. At its worse, I could barely leave my house. If I could manage to leave my house then I could not leave a certain square mile area. If any attempt was made to take me out of my safe area, then I would have a panic attack. I even went so far as to arrange it so I did not leave my house for six months. My imagination would also cause panic attacks. I could imagine the most horrible things, and for me they would feel real.
Everyday for me was a nightmare really. My anxiety invaded every part of my life. It clouded how I perceived reality.
Once we finally found a set of medications that worked for me and I had been taking them for a while, and I had been in counseling for a while, I did start noticing that I had less anxiety. I could leave the house more often, I still had to stay in the safe area. I worried less. I felt less tense.
I quit worrying about my anxiety. It was not in the forefront of my mind all the time anymore. One day when my mother and I were out to lunch together, I suddenly realized that I was outside of my safe area and I was experiencing no anxiety.
I started taking stock of things. It dawned on me that for the first time in years, I was relaxed. The yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach was gone. Even that horrible habit I had of imagining myself into a panic attack was gone. The only symptom I have left is that I still startle easily.
Between my medications, and my counseling I have achieved a state peace that most likely I have never experienced in my life. It feels good.
I want to say that, in my opinion, there is hope for people who have a debilitating anxiety disorder. I know that it will take some people longer than it took me to get to a less anxious place, and it will take some people a shorter amount of time. It will not be easy, and having to go outside comfort zones will be important.
Here is a list of things that has been working for me, when trying to get in control of my anxiety disorder.
1. Being patient with yourself is very important when you are trying to recover from an anxiety disorder. Recovering from an anxiety disorder is a long process, do not add to your anxiety by being impatient with yourself.
2. Take one day at a time. Do not think about how you are going to deal with the tomorrow, just concern yourself with getting through today.
3. Do not be hard on yourself when you have a set back. We are all going to have set backs. I like to think of setbacks as just a little extra practice.
4. Keep or find a sense of humor, you will need it. Remember laughter is good medicine.
5. Frequently take big deep breaths in and then slowly let it out. Believe it or not it does help. It is like giving yourself a pause before you deal with something.
6. Be up front with your family and friends about the things that trigger your anxiety. Loud voices, crowds, and coming up behind me are just some of the triggers I have that will lead to me either having a panic attack or make me feel anxious.
7. Even if you are feeling better, take any anxiety medication you are prescribed and go to counseling. One of the things the counselor can do for you is give you tools and help you find solutions to dealing with your anxiety disorder.
8. Do not have unrealistic expectations for yourself. I used to think that I would reach a point where I never having any anxiety symptoms again. Now, I understand that in some areas I will probably always have some anxiety, however, I will know how to cope with it better.
9. If one of the ways you experience anxiety is through excessive worrying, then set aside a couple of times a day where you are allowed to worry. The rest of the time, no worrying is allowed. I know this sounds weird but it was a home work assignment given to me by my counselor and it works. I am allowed two times a day to worry. In the morning and in the afternoon (not close to bedtime though) I am allowed to worry about anything I want. It gets the worry out, but then does not allow it to take over your mind and day.
10. If you find your anxiety is overwhelming you, call your counselor. If your counselor is not available call a family member, call a friend, call someone that can help calm you down and deal with your anxiety until you can talk to your counselor.
Redneck Sledding
Picture of the Day – January 13th, 2010
The last few years of having a mom who was “checked out” due to severe depression has been hard on my daughter, Anna. In an effort to try and rebuild that relationship and because she really enjoys taking pictures, she was given a page in my blog to show off her pictures. All the pictures you will see in this section, will have been taken by my daughter. I personally think she does an awesome job.
Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know
Picture of the Day – January 12th, 2010
Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know.
Daily Journal – January 11th, 2010
I spent most of Monday dealing with some sort of stomach thing. It was either a virus or one of my medications for diabetes was upsetting my stomach or it very easily could have been my gastroparesis acting up.
I had a nice chat with my new daughter-in-law today. It is still hard to wrap my brain around the fact that I am someone’s mother-in-law. I do not feel like I am old enough for that to have happened.
I have a confession. I never got dressed today. I felt so bad from whatever was making my stomach upset, that I never could get the motivation to get out of my pj’s.












