Category Archives: Mental Health

My Daughter Speaks Out…

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I love my daughter.  She is funny, intelligent, warm and caring.  She sparkles when she smiles.  Every morning when she wakes up, she kisses me.  My daughter impresses me with her strength and self confidence. She is a blessing to me.

I have not always been the mother she has needed and wanted.  She had to spend a great deal of time raising herself and worrying about me during the time that my depression was so bad.  She deserved better than what I gave her. I have been more afraid of what she thought about me and that time in our lives than any other person in my family.

When I brought up the idea of her answering some questions for my blog, I figured she would be resistant.  To my surprise, she not only agreed to answer my questions, she really seemed to want to.  Her answers were honest, forthright, and for me, brutal.

What did you think when you found out that I had tried to commit suicide?

I was scared. I honestly didn’t know what to think. Anger went through me when I found out you were in the hospital again! Then when dad and I showed up at the hospital I got really sad, ’cause I didn’t know what was going to happen. You kept getting worse and a nurse said “Why dont you take your kid somewhere else? She doesn’t need to see her mother like this.”  Right then and there I knew everything wouldnt be fine. I knew something awful was going to happen. I was sad and mad

What was it like to be around me before I started getting help for my depression?

It was awful. I didn’t know when you would have a good day. The littlest things would set you off and you would yell. or you would just stay in bed all day under the covers and not come out. The rare times you would come out would be to get something to eat or drink, other than that I hardly saw you.. or you would be angry.

Are you ever embarrassed to have a mom who has a mental illness?

I’m not embarrassed to have a mother with a metal illness. I’m glad you are still here. I could have it really bad, and not have you here today.  Soo I’m thankful I have a mother, even if you have a mental illness. We all have our problems, and we just have to learn to move on and live with them…

Knowing that mental health issues are in our family, what are you going to do to keep your mind healthy as you grow up and when you are an adult?

I know there is a very high chance of me getting everything you have right now. However, considering I have seen it first hand with you, I will have a good idea on how to catch it and make sure it doesn’t get as far as yours did.

How will I keep my mind healthy? I will think right and do the right things. I will see a person who knows if I could get it every so often just to make sure I won’t get mental health issues or if needed, to catch it in time before its get to the really bad stage…

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Group Therapy

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On Monday, I attended my first Depression Group. It was rather nice. There were only four other people who attended. My counselor said that usually there are more people, but not too many more. The people I met were warm and friendly. They made me feel welcome.  I am very relieved things went well and I seemed to fit into the group dynamics.Right now, the plan is for me to go to the group therapy sessions every Monday and meet with my counselor every two weeks.

I found out that the psychiatrist will be leaving the treatment center.  He found a place closer to his home.  His last day will be Thursday.  The thought of having to get used to a new psychiatrist has me anxious.  I know that change, for the most part, is good, and it is a vital part of life, however, I feel like I am going to have to reinvent the wheel with the new psychiatrist.

The good part of this change is that instead of only having a doctor available two days a week, there will be one available all four days during the week that the center is open.  There will be a doctor available in person two days a week, and the other two days a doctor will be available through something called TeleDoc.  Basically, a monitor with a doctor on a live feed from his location.  That actually seems pretty cool to me.  I am sure that will mean less wait time to start new patients on medications or less wait time if an established patient is having issues with their medications.

Even with my anxiety over the psychiatrist changes, I think Monday went really well and I am looking forward to the next group session.

My Mother's Point Of View…

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Last week, I asked my mother some questions that had to do with my suicide attempt and depression. Despite any pain answering these questions might have caused her, she took the time to answer them.  Two things jumped out to me when I read what she wrote, 1. my mother has a deep love for God (something I admire) and 2. my mother loves me bunches.

What were your initial thoughts and feelings when you learned that I had attempted suicide?

Sadness.  Confusion.  Knew you were not happy but had no idea the depression was so deep.  Sorrow that you felt so unworthy and unloved.  It grieves me that any human being would feel so alone.

It bothered me that you would be in such a fog that it wouldn’t register that the God who created you, who knows the number of hairs on your head, who has your name written on the palms of his hand, who knit you together in your mother’s womb would NEVER leave you nor forsake you.  He said so.

Did you have any idea that I was depressed before the suicide attempt?

No.  Our past history had left a a wide chasm between us and I really wasn’t close enough to you to know about your state of mind.  I did believe that you were a very unhappy person.

What did you think about my Psychiatric Hospitalization?

Hopeful that you were in a place where you could get some real help and not harm yourself.

Do you believe that you have ever had any depressive episodes?

Definitely.  As a young wife away from family and friends, and pregnancy made it worse.

What changes have you noticed in me since I began therapy and my mental health medication?

You seem happy and interested in other people.  You seem to be enjoying life and handling all the ups and downs it throws at you.  You seem confident and you are fun to be around.  You have a lot interesting things to say and yet you are a good listener.  It’s clear that family is important to you and you treat us with respect and honor and love.

In the last few years I have noticed many positive changes in you.  What propelled you to make those changes in yourself?

A firm belief in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Master, and my desire to please and emulate Him in spite of the fact that we are born into this world as wicked sinners.  He is my guidepost, my standard.  Although, I disappoint Him in many ways, I try to remember to honor and glorify Him in all I do and say…..To have someone recognize that there is a difference in my life makes me feel really good but best of all it is a testimony to the goodness of our God.

What do you think is my best quality?

I thought long and hard about this one – perseverance – some might call it stubbornness – something the women in our family have a full helping of – it does serve to help us overcome a great many difficulties.  I think you have “harnessed” that stubborn spirit in a positive manner and use it to your advantage.

Any thoughts you want to share that were not covered by my questions?

I have wanted to see you happy and enjoying life for a long time.  It makes me happy beyond words to see you participating in life and sharing with us the wonderful person that God made you to be.

I never want you to be afraid that we would not love you nor forgive you or that you ever have to go through a trial alone.

Depression, Suicide, and Family

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It has been a year and a half since my suicide attempt.  My outlook on life has radically changed during that time.  I have gone from knowing that death was my only option, to having the life I have always wanted.  I have really had to work hard to change so much in a relatively short amount of time and I have had to spend a great deal of time concentrating on myself.

At first, the amount of time I spent working on helping my mind heal left me with very little emotional reserve to be able to handle my family’s emotional reactions and thoughts about my depression and suicide attempt.  Later on, I made a conscious decision to carefully skirt around those topics.  I was afraid to hear what they would say.

Although, I believe the time has come to finally hear my family’s thoughts, I am still afraid.  It is one thing to deal with your own pain, it is quite another to find out how your self-destructive actions impacted those you love.  At this time, both my mother and daughter have shared their thoughts with me, and they have generously given me permission to post what they said on my blog.  I will be posting what they said this week.

I would like to encourage everyone to take the time to read what they each have written.  I know it was not easy for either one of them to think about that time and I admire their courage in answering the questions I asked them.

Facing The Past – Part I

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Warning: Some parts of this post will be inappropriate for children to read

There are things in my past that I have yet to come to complete peace about. I am not sure why, but I just have not. My emotions are still fairly raw when it comes to them. I have wondered if that is because I have not really faced certain things. It has always seemed much easier to tuck them away in my mind.

I have decided that I need to face something in my past. My hope is that if I write about it, I can finally put it to rest. That way if something does trigger memories about it, I no longer feel my stomach tighten up with fear.

When I was in my early twenties, I dated a man many years older than I was. In the beginning things seemed great. He appeared to want nothing more than to take care of me and my son. I began to trust him. Shortly after we began dating, my son left to go to China with one of my mother’s friends, for his yearly summer visit. It was after my son left that this man and I were able to get to know each better. We could go on dates more frequently and spend more time with each other.

I got to know his two boys. Such nice little boys. His ex-wife though, she seemed so full of anger towards the man. I did not understand why she would be so angry with him. He was always good with me. I felt loved and taken care of by him. Even the jealousy he displayed about my speaking to other men, even work colleagues, seemed to come from a place of deep love.

Something began to change.  The jealousy reached a point where I know longer found it cute or funny.  It was scary, and sad.  There were times that I felt scared of him, although he had not done anything that caused me to fear him.  Well, except for the jealousy.  It was scary and odd enough, that I chose not to tell my family I was seeing him.

I remember one time, when I just wanted to be at home alone.  He kept calling me and calling me and I would not pick up the phone.  Eventually, it had stopped ringing and I had thought he had given up for the evening.  After a while, I discovered him creeping around the outside of my house peeking in the windows.  I was not sure if I should feel scared out of my mind or touched that he would feel that much concern about me.  I cannot believe how much my younger self let slide.

This man began to not let me out of his sight, except when I was working.  Even then, if he had a day off, he would drive by, without telling me, to see who I was going out to lunch with.  If I happened to go out with someone I worked with, who was a man, then when I got home I was accused of having had sex with him.  It was frustrating!  It never even crossed my mind to do something like that and yet he would be convinced that I had.  Even with the evidence in front of him that it had not happened, could not have happened, he still knew I had somehow managed to make it happen.  Yet, I stayed.  By this time though, I was not staying because I wanted to, I was staying because I was scared not to.

Humiliation.  The day to day humiliation of being with this man was something I had never experienced before.  He seemed so focused on the fact that I was having sex with other people, that he began to check and see if I had.  He would check my panties to find evidence of the deed and to my absolute embarrassment he would even check me.  I would be reduced to hysterical tears by what he was doing and at times I believe he was turned on by that.

Then he began to talk about marrying me.  The terror inside of me at that thought was like a living thing.  I was so desperate to not marry him, but I was so afraid of what would happen if I did not.

To be continued….

Counseling Appointment

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My counseling session on Monday went really well.  I really like it when that happens. It really makes me feel proud of myself when I hear my counselor tell me that she is really pleased with how far I have progressed since I have been seeing her.

I had a couple of things on my mind that I had wanted to discuss this week.  Medical issues were on my mind.  Right now, I think one of my biggest depressive episode triggers is when my physical health is not going the way I want it to.  Especially, when one thing after another happens, like what has gone on recently.

The other thing I wanted to discuss with my counselor was about me attending group therapy.  When I started seeing my counselor, she felt that I needed extremely intense therapy and I also had issues with being around people I did not know, so we agreed that at that time group therapy would not be appropriate for me.  I have been in counseling for about a year and half now, and recently I have been thinking that it might be time to try group therapy.

I have good social skills with my family and on the internet, but in real life I am not sure that I do.  Most of the people I have contact with in real life are my family, so it leads me to wonder how I would interact with others.  I brought my idea up to the counselor and she agreed that it was time I tried out a group therapy session.  What we decided to do was not officially sign me up for them just yet, but have me go to the group session that meets on Monday.  After that group session, I am to meet with her and tell her what I thought about it and decide if it is something I want to do again.

I am very excited by this.  I think the counselor is too.  It marks a huge step in my recovery process.  I am asking to be put into a situation that normally would make me very uncomfortable.  I am not sure if this is going to change how often I meet with her or not.  The center I go to is state run, and there are certain rules they have to follow.  However, when I initially began going there I qualified for all of the services offered due to the severity of my depression.

I feel so good and proud of myself right now.  I hope those feelings last for quite a while.

30 Things About My Invisible Illnesses You May Not Know

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1. The illnesses I live with are: Clinical/Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder

2. I was diagnosed with them in: May of 2009

3. But I  have had symptoms since: On and off for most of my life.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Learning how to take part in my own life again.

5. Many people assume:  Depression is simply being sad.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting over my “drug hangover”.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I do not watch medical shows anymore, most contain plot lines that I find depressing.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:  My computer

9. The hardest part about nights are:  Not sleeping well and lately I have been having really bad nightmares.

10. Each day I take 14 pills, at least 4 injections, and 4 puffs on inhaler.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: choose not to use herbs or herbal supplements, I am afraid they would not mix well with my medications.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I have both an invisible illness and several visible illnesses.  In my opinion, neither is a better one to have.

13. Regarding working and career:  I cannot work outside of the home due to the various illnesses I have.  I work hard to find ways to make money from home.

14. People would be surprised to know:  How much better I am compared to where I was this time last year and how much my daily medication routine affects me.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:  How my medications affect me.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:  Enjoy life again.

17. The commercials about my illness:  Make it seem easier than it really was for me at the worst of times.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:  Actually nothing.  I am doing more now than when I was diagnosed.  By the time I was diagnosed, I had almost quit functioning.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: My suicidal thoughts.  They had been such a constant, continuous thing for so long, that it was hard to get through a day without having them.  In some ways, they were the only reliable thing in my life.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Writing

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I do not know. I do not think I even know what normal is anymore.

22. My illness has taught me: To accept myself.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: The truth is, negative or unproductive comments from uneducated or closed minded people do not bother me.

24. But I love it when people: Encourage and support me as best they can.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I created my own personal motto…I will live my life fully, and experience everything. I will take care of myself. I will have fun, be crazy and be weird.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: I am there for them. It can get better.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The opportunities that have opened up for me.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Not to baby me, but let me know they were there when I needed them.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: It has become important to me to be an advocate for people with mental health issues. I am one of the lucky ones. I am able to function and have clarity and my therapy and medications seem to work for me right now. Not everyone with a mental health issue is able to achieve that kind of stability in a little over a year of treatment.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Proud. Like what I write about does make a difference.

You can find more posts from other people about their 30 things at Invisible Illness Week

My Double Standard

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Double Standard – One set of special rules for a favored group or person and a set of unfair rules for other groups or another person

The last year and half has been a time full of a great deal of change and internal inspection for me.  I discovered things about myself that I like immensely and I have discovered things about myself that I have been working hard to dispose of.  One of the things I have been working hard to get rid of, is my use of double standards.

For a great deal of my life I have had one set of rules for myself and another set for other people. Almost without fail, I applied the unfair rules to myself and the special (better) rules to other people. I would let someone speak or treat me inappropriately, and because I had to follow the unfair rules I would  not allow myself to tell them what they just did or said was inappropriate.  I would not set boundaries with them, and if it even crossed my mind to treat them like they treated me, it could be guaranteed that I would spend an extreme amount of effort beating myself up.

I felt that I was justified in the way I chose to use my double standard.  I did not feel as if I was equal to other people.  I felt less worthy.  So it made it okay to let them get away with what they were doing.  My double standard was so obvious to others, that even my son has felt that it was okay to treat me inappropriately and my rules allowed him to do it.

It became clear to me that if I was going to continue to progress in my journey towards mental wellness, that things were going to have to change.  I needed to get rid of my double standard and expect and demand to be treated in a respectful, and dignified manner.  This proved to be extremely difficult for me.  I still had a problem with self worth, and I still believed that I was not equal to other people.  Not to mention, to speak up to people I considered adults (even though I was one), especially ones that I considered authority figures was almost impossible.  To me it felt disrespectful to the authority figure if I made them aware of how they were treating and talking to me.

I started simply and even before I felt worthy of respect.  I set boundaries that were clear.  No one would talk to me or treat me inappropriately without me saying something about it.  It was an interesting thing.  Just by not using my double standard anymore, my self worth instantly grew a notch.  It was as if once I began treating myself as if I deserved dignity and respect, I began to believe I did.

I no longer feel as if I am going around with a sullen and sad expression on my face.  I no longer feel that I am not equal to other people.  I no longer feel as if I deserve to be treated by the unfair rules.  I speak up for myself, and people in my life treat me exactly as I want to be treated and how I treat them

Have you ever applied a double standard in your life?  Were you the one you applied the set of unfair rules to?  If so, why do you think you did that?

Thankful Five

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I realized that I forgot to do my Thankful Five last week. I really wish I had not. I was feeling very rotten and I believe if I had remembered, it would have perked me up. The good news is that I remembered this week. I will list ten things to be thankful for this week, to make up for the five I missed last week.

  • I am thankful my face healed up really fast after my face plant last week.
  • I am thankful that my MRSA infection is gone, now the spot has to finish healing.
  • I am thankful that the nurse at my psychiatric treatment center sent me to the ER, since it turned out that I was dehydrated.
  • I am thankful that my little daughter turned 14 on August 11th.
  • I am thankful for the enjoyable times I have spent with my parents over the last few weekends.
  • I am thankful I got to talk to a blogging friend on the phone today @anxiouskaley
  • I am thankful for coffee.
  • I am thankful for seeing my niece yesterday.
  • I am thankful that I can see my counselor tomorrow.
  • I am thankful that summer is getting closer to be over.

What are you thankful for?

Challenges

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“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are”

I always enjoy it when I read a blog post that inspires me to write. I enjoy it even more when that inspiring post is written by a blogger I have never “met” before.  Today I was inspired to write a post about my challenges in life and my reaction to them by a blog post written by Amy Steelman-Prueter titled Do Challenges Stop You?.

My life feels as if it can be seen from two different time lines, the beginning of each one represents a birth.  The time lines are named, Life Before Depression Treatment Begins (LBDTB), and Life After Depression Treatment Begins (LADTB).  My reactions to life challenges are different from one period of time to the next.

In the time period of Life Before Depression Treatment Begins, my reaction to challenges in my life was often to become paralyzed with fear, worry and anxiety.  I literally became unable to move and it almost felt as if I could not breathe.  I would let challenges stop me in my tracks.  Whenever I could, I would get my husband to deal with whatever was challenging me.  However, there were some that he could not take care of, so I would be left to face them myself.

The problem was, I would almost never actually face them.  My thought was that if I could ignore whatever was challenging me  long enough, it would eventually go away.  Can you see the problem with this line of thinking?

Because I was not dealing with a challenge head on it, my fear, worry and anxiety would increase drastically.  Building up negative thoughts about what I was facing to such a degree that the only outcome I could envision was one of disaster and mayhem.  It never quite sunk in that ignoring it is what usually caused the negative outcomes.  In addition, because I just sort of let things happen to me, instead of tackling things head on I felt as if no one really listened to me.

After I had been in the time of Life After Depression Treatment Begins for a while things began to slowly change.  In the beginning, the challenges I had to face were my daily struggle to not give into my suicidal thoughts again, going to therapy once a week, and trying to be there for my family.  As my mind became healthier, I was able to take on more challenges and began to see that by facing them, I was growing and changing as a person.  I no longer experienced paralyzing fear and worry when I was facing challenges, in fact I began to welcome them, seeing them as an opportunity to learn more about myself and to become a healthier person.

There are times when I still feel some anxiety when I am facing a challenge in my life.  I think that anxiety is born out of a fear that I might not know how to handle what I am facing.  However, I have learned the quickest way to get over that anxiety is to go ahead and face whatever it is that is in front of me.  After all, I do have the tools to overcome most challenges, and in cases where I do not, I have people in my life who can help me.

There has been a wonderful side effect to being proactive in the face of a life challenge.  I feel stronger and healthier.  Every challenge that I successfully overcome causes me to feel more empowered and also creates an aura of self-confidence that I do not remember experiencing during the time of Life Before Depression Treatment Begins.

What about you?  Do you tackle challenges head on, or do you allow them to stop you?  Are you like me and have experienced a time where you let them stop you, but you changed how you reacted to life challenges at some point?