“Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year’s time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings.” ~ Andre Maurois

Have you ever done something out of hurt, and anger that you wished you could take back? Have you have gotten bogged down by feelings of pettiness – focusing on something that in the grand scheme of things is really no big deal? I have, and very recently too.

According to the online version of the Merriam-Webster’s dictionary the word petty means:

1. having secondary rank or importance : minor, subordinate

2. : having little or no importance or significance

3. : marked by or reflective of narrow interests and sympathies: small-minded

Small-minded is definitely a good way to describe my recent behavior. Let me tell you what I did.

Currently, Joe Bob does not have an internet connection. Unless he goes some place he cannot read what is on my blog for himself. So one his neighbors (used to be mine when I lived there) has been reading my blog, and telling him what I have written. When she does this, she spends tons of time on the blog, and greatly increases the page load rate. Neither of those things affect my blog, band with usage, or affects my hosting fees. However, it greatly irritated me.

I guess my irritation came from the fact that it felt like she was reading my blog, and then “telling on me”. It also felt like she and Joe Bob were laughing at, and making fun of me and my blog. Out of pettiness, I banned her ip address – even when it changed – from my blog. At one point I set the banned message to say “I know who you are”. When I was asked why I had done this, my response was very childish “It is my blog, and I can do what I want.”

In the past few days I have been thinking about my reaction to what she was doing. My conclusion is that I over-reacted. I behaved in a petty way out of hurt, and irritation. In the grand scheme of things what she was doing was no big deal. So what if she spends hours on my site. So what if she and Joe Bob laugh, and make fun of me. It does not change the truth of what I have written, and will write.

I have removed the ban, and promised myself to not put it back on again.

For all my brave words, there are some days when having depression, and anxiety issues really makes me mad, and sad – mostly mad. I can have many symptom free days, and then out of the blue get bombarded by depression, and anxiety symptoms. Days like that leave me feeling vulnerable, wounded, and afraid. Tuesday was one of those days.

A few weeks ago I had a few days with depression, and anxiety symptoms, but there was an identifiable cause for them. So it did not surprise me when the symptoms popped up. Tuesday was different. Mom and I were running errands, and out of the blue I started crying – I hid the tears from mom. It was so similar to the old days – the days before I was in treatment for depression, and I would spontaneously start crying. For several hours I hovered on the edge of maintaining myself, and wanting to collapse into a bawling heap. I did not – in the least little bit – feel brave. After the urge to cry was gone, I was left with a feeling of anxiety – the likes of which I have not experienced in a while. My stomach was tight – it was that familiar “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling.

I should have told my mother what was going on. Instead, I did my best to hide the fact that I was struggling. Despite my efforts to hide my state of mind, she picked up on something, and asked me if I was alright. So while we were sitting in her car, I did my best – with her input – to figure out why I was having depression, and anxiety symptoms. Together we came up with several ideas.

For years my life has been filled to the point of overflowing with drama. I did not create all of the drama in my life, but it was still there. In many ways – even when it is negative – it is very exciting. I know – for me – there is a bit of an adrenaline rush when I am in the midst of drama. Both my mind, and body respond to it. So since the last few weeks have been almost completely drama free, I have been wondering if my little emotional meltdown was my mind, and body’s way of creating its own drama to satisfy some sort of drama craving.

Another thing I thought of is how I have a habit of shutting off – emotionally – when it feels like I am being slammed with too many things – emotions – at one time. With life being relatively calm lately there has been no need to turn off my emotions. Maybe it was time for me to experience what I did – since I had been putting it off for a while. The lack of drama would have created an environment where I could safely experience those emotions without being overwhelmed.

Mom and I also talked about physical causes for my emotional outburst. For some reason my blood glucose reading was over 200. When my blood glucose is that high it usually makes me feel pretty rotten. It does make me wonder if my emotional overload was in response to how my body was feeling from the too high blood glucose. I am also in that crazy peri-menopausal state, and my hormones are not balanced right now. Hormones do play a part in my emotional responses.

The reality is that my depression, and anxiety symptoms were probably caused by all of those things combined.

In the midst of my emotional meltdown, I realized I also felt angry. I was angry at my depression. I caught myself listing all the things I believed – at that emotional moment – depression had cost me. It took me a while to remember the reality. In my opinion, depression has not cost me anything, instead it has given me something – an opportunity to become a mentally healthier, and happier person. My depression treatment has shown me that the relationships and things I have ended/put aside were not healthy for me – as well as the others involved.

Tuesday definitely was one of those days where I did not feel brave. I definitely felt vulnerable, and afraid. However, I got through the day.