What a busy week I have had!  Group therapy Monday, blood work on Tuesday, psychiatrist on Thursday, doctor appointment Friday.  I made it through all of that, learned a few new things, and had some questions answered.

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling is an excellent way to describe this week and the changes it represents for me.  I had to keep rolling along all week, keeping up with all these appointments.  I had to roll with the punches when the treatment center called me Thursday and moved my appointment time up by hours.  I also have had to roll with the news that I will have to change depression medications.

I met the new the psychiatrist Thursday.  I thought that doing the appointment by webcam would not work out good.  I figured I would feel uncomfortable, and not be able to discuss things with the doctor like I needed to.  It was the total opposite of that.  The new psychiatrist is a woman, she was very personable and pleasant.  Very quickly I forgot that we were talking to each other through a monitor and it was like talking to someone who was right in front of me. I brought up the topic of my depression medication and that it might be having a negative affect on my body.  I had some blood work a couple of months ago, and one of the results suggested that something might be going wrong with my liver.  There is also the fact that the medication seems to be affecting my ability to keep my blood sugar under control, as well as my blood pressure.  The psychiatrist agreed that it was something that we needed to look into and told me to come back and see her next week, after I got some more blood work back.

Yesterday, I got the results of the blood work.  This time my liver looked great, my other numbers (A1C and blood glucose) were horrible.  Just horrible.  My blood pressure was insanely high, 183/128.  The doctor seeing me for my medical stuff was so appalled by what she saw, she was ready to write me a new prescription for a different anti-depressant right then and there.  I asked her not to, because I wanted my psychiatrist to do that, since she will understand more about what to give me.

I go back to the psychiatrist on Thursday and I suppose that we will start putting plans into place to change my anti-depressant.  There has to be a plan.  My anti-depressant is Effexor.  The withdrawal for Effexor has been known to frequently have terrible withdrawal symptoms.  I have read that the withdrawal can be so bad that many people fire their psychiatrist after they come off of it, because they are angry that they were prescribed it in the first place.

I am rolling with this as well.  What choice do I have?  I suppose I could choose to be angry and upset that I have to go through the process of finding the right medication…again.  I could be whiny about the withdrawal, that might be bad.  I have the option to obsessively worry that this might cause me to go into a depressive episode. However, to be quite frank about, what good would it do if I chose any other option but rolling with it? Not a darn thing.  In fact, I believe choosing any other option would be more detrimental to my mental health than the process of having to change depression medications will be.

These are the things that I have going for me.

• My state of mind is soooooo much better than it was when I first started treatment for my depression.  I believe that will make it easier for me to deal with the changes in medication.
• With my state of mind being better, I believe that even if I have a depressive episode as a result of the changes, it will not be anywhere close to how bad the depression was when I first began treatment.
• I have created a super, terrific support system.  They are aware that I might be in a horrible mood during this process and more than willing to put up with me and support me.
• There are so many options for medications that I know the right one will be found for me.
• Physically, I should feel better once we find the right medication.  My husband pointed out that most likely the reason I frequently have days where I feel rotten is because of the high blood sugar and high blood pressure.
• The psychiatrist very clearly said to me “This will be a difficult process, but I WILL get you through it!” I take comfort in knowing that she feels such concern about me.

There was a time, not too long ago, that I would have freaked out about anyone messing with my anti-depressant.  I still vividly remember how awful I felt before I started treatment.  I never want to go back to feeling that way.  It affected my brain, body and soul. In the last few months, I have realized something…

As long as I am doing what needs to be done to protect my mental health, including being willing to change medications, I will be okay.

I had an appointment with my counselor today.  I think it went really well.  I talked with her about leaving my safety zone and going four hours away to my parents house.  Having to sleep in the bat house one night and all the places I went while I was there.  I did admit to her that I had some anxiety on the way back home, because my brain started the whole stupid what if game.  What if the house burned down while we were gone?  What if the electricity is out when we get home?  She sort of laughed and said “You had no problem sleeping in a house with bats for one night but you got anxious on the way home”  I knew what she was trying to point out.  Most people would have been a little anxious to sleep in the bat house, and been okay on the drive home, and my anxieties were the exact opposite.  Kind of pointing out how unfounded most of my worries are.

I spoke with her about my frustration with regards to some people not listening to me when I am specific about something.  My counselor suggested that I just start writing them down.  Since most of what is not listened to is small things (but they build up frustration in me) she said this would be a simple thing to do.  Especially, now that I carry a little notebook with me everywhere.  Once I have what it is I want or need written down, then I hand it to the person who is supposed to be listening to me, but really is not.  I think I am going to give it a try.

I also told the counselor how I let my son have it via text yesterday.  I had bought some onesies for the baby.  Since I do not know the sex yet, I bought one for a boy, that says “If you think I am handsome, then you should see my daddy”, and one for a girl that says “If you think I am pretty, then you should see my mommy”.  My daughter in law immediately sent a very gracious thank you, my own son…..nothing.  In fact I had texted him about some other things and still no answer.  Finally yesterday I had texted him and asked him if he had fallen of the earth since I had not heard from him.  The response I got was that he had been “too busy”.  I promptly let him know that he could have taken two minutes to text me, and that if he did not want me involved in the baby’s life, let me know now.  That is probably the first time in a very long time that I did not let him get away with disrespectful behavior towards me.  I told the counselor that it was about time I started setting some boundaries with my son.

The counselor said she was very impressed with the things I have been doing in the last week and a half and that she felt like the trip to Augusta was a huge step forward in my recovery.

Oh, one last thing.  The state gave the psychiatric clinic enough money to start a few new group sessions.  They are going to start a depression group out there in August.  Which means it will only be a 10 to 15 minute drive from my house.  I am seriously considering trying the group setting.  It might help me improve some of my real life social skills.

Dear Depression,

You did not win today, I did!  Today, my Mental Health Ninja Skills were much better than yours.

For every attack you made, trying to put dark thoughts in my head, I countered with my positive thoughts.  You almost were able to slip in through the Gate of Unnecessary Worries, but I was able to stop you in your tracks by  using logical thinking and problem solving skills.  You and I both knew the fight was over when I was able to defuse your bombs that were meant to destroy my self esteem and self worth.

Depression, I really do not like to fight with you. You are a part of me and there are times when you serve a purpose.  However, you must understand, that you are no longer in charge.  I am.  The sooner you accept that fact, the sooner we both can move forward.

Wishing you a positive day,

Melissa

Marriages are supposed to be partnerships. Ideally, the amount that each spouse contributes to the marriages is equal. Often when marriages have an unequal partnership they end in divorce, because the spouse who is contributing more gets tired of carrying the load.

My marriage is unequal, and has been for many years. Depression left me unable to contribute my fair share to our partnership. My husband was left to work all day and then come home and do the work at home. Cook, clean, laundry, he had to do it because my depression did not allow me to function as I should. It was very hard on him, he said he often felt as if he was a single parent since I was checked out and he had to do it all.

Now that I am doing better, I do contribute more, but it is still not an equal partnership. I have good days, and ok days, and bad days and this maybe how it is for the rest of my life. Depression is a life long disease, even if I were to reach a state of remission. Which means my husband is still left doing more than his share in our marriage.

This has made things difficult at times. My husband has felt that there were occasions I could have done more to contribute to the marriage than I have. I have felt that he is not being understanding enough. The reality is there is probably a happy medium in there some place, we just have to find it.

Even though he gets frustrated with me every once in a while, I know he loves me. He is a loving man, who is doing the best he can. I am not the person he married, and he misses her. My depression has been hard on him, it has changed all of our lives drastically.

I wish I could say that there will come a day, very soon, when I will be an equal contributing partner in our marriage, but I just do not know if that will ever happen. What I can say is that there will probably be a day when I contribute more.

We have had some rough patches during this last year. He has had to accept the fact that I was so depressed and did not tell him, and also that I tried to commit suicide. I have changed a great deal and he has had to come along for the ride. I am sure he has been confused and worried about me more than once.

I know that given everything that is going on in our marriage right now, and how we each are performing at our partnership roles, we stand a greater chance, statistically, of getting divorced than other marriages do. However, I happen to disagree with the statistics. Although it is not going to be easy, I think that we will adjust, and adapt to our roles in our marriage and will become more understanding of each others needs.

Thank you, Lady Grier of My Life for inspiring me to write this.

I saw my counselor on Wednesday, and she had some encouraging words for me.  However, she also had some pretty scary words.  She said she thought I was doing really well with this detour and in her opinion, it was more about relearning behavior than the medications not working properly.  She discussed how I really dislike facing strong emotions head on, and in order to traverse the detour I needed to start figuring out an appropriate way for me to do that.  The counselor gave me some suggestions, but did let me know that this was going to be a trial and error process, rather than just picking a strategy and knowing it will work.  I let her know that I really disliked trial and error, her reply, “I know”.

I have sort of fallen back into the pattern of going with the flow, only with some people, because it is easier than rocking the boat.  The counselor told me I needed to stop doing that.  So once again, I will be rocking the boat, which does not make all the people in my life happy.  In fact, it makes some of them very uncomfortable because when I change and put boundaries up and expect to be treated a certain way, that means they have to change their behavior as well.  Just like I believe depression is a family disease, recovery is a family thing as well.

I have a confession, I really liked when I first started taking this medication combo, because it really dulled my emotions, and I did not feel anything strongly.  Now that my mind and body are used to the medications, I feel emotions more.  Not as much as someone who did not take those medications, but more than I did when I first started taking them.  I would not have been upset if the counselor decided I needed my medications increased because I figure it would have dulled my emotions down again.  So now I have to figure out how to deal with my emotions rather than have them dulled down some more.

The counselor said something that I have been thinking about a great deal.  I am intelligent and I enjoy being intelligent.  She told me that my intelligence was getting in the way of my recovery.  Basically, I am spending more time examining how to deal with something, rather than just doing it.  I am over analyzing things.  At first I was rather confused by what she said, now I understand it more.

I saw my medical doctor yesterday, and he said all things considered, two hospitalizations which included steroids, he thought I was doing pretty good with my diabetes.  An unfortunate side affect of steroids is that it raises a person’s blood sugar and mine got o pretty high during one of my hospital stays. I have to have some blood work within the next few weeks, one test that will be done is something called an A1C test.  Basically, it gives you an idea of how your blood sugar has been over several months.  Ideally, a diabetic’s A1C should be under seven.  The doctor and I discussed the fact that it will be highly unlikely that mine will be within the target range because of the steroids.

Personally, I think everything I heard from both my counselor and medical doctor is good news.  Some of it challenging, that whole trial and error thing, but overall good news.