Silently Screaming

I once knew a young girl who was filled with hurt and anger. Everything she did and said to herself came from that part of her. Her actions were self destructive and also hurt others. She was loved by her family, but her hurt and anger kept that hidden from her. She had no love for herself. She wandered around feeling alone.

Her peers saw that she had no love for herself and treated her accordingly. Whispering things here and there. Hurting her with their words and their glances. Her loneliness grew.

In desperation, she put herself in dangerous situations with dangerous people, hoping to find the love that was missing inside of her. Instead, she found humiliation, rejection and abuse. If by some chance she managed to find someone who truly cared about her, she would not feel worthy of their care and respect. She would destroy things between them. Far better to do that, than for them to figure out just how unworthy she really was.

She carried these feelings with her as she grew older. They clouded her thinking, her actions, and her choices for most of her adult life.

What would have happened if someone had taken the time to show her all the beauty that she possessed? Would her life been filled with more happiness than pain if someone had taken the time to make her feel loved? Or shown her the importance of having her own self worth?

What would I do or say to her if I could?

I would hug her, and hug her and keep hugging her until she felt my love for her. I would tell her that love was not about humiliation, and rejection, it is about respect and acceptance. I would show her how much her family loved and cared for her.

I would go to her family and tell them to look at her, really look at her. Look past her bad behavior, and look past her bad attitude. See that she is hurting. She is silently screaming for help. GET HER HELP!

May I Have A Do Over, Please?

There have been so many times in my life when I have wanted a do over. It would be so nice to have an opportunity to do things differently. Like that rotten morning when the kid spilled red juice on the beige carpet, and the dog forgot she was house broken. Or how about a do over for the rainy day when the car got a flat tire? Maybe even a second chance at a relationship with my mother? How wonderful it would be to have an opportunity to fix things with a faraway son.

Fortunately, I have been given many opportunities at do overs. Unfortunately, there have been many times when I messed those up too. It was usually a result of me repeating the same mistakes that I had made the first time. I think the reason I kept making those same mistakes was that I lacked maturity.

At thirty-nine years old I still lacked the maturity to accept my share of the responsibility in a negative situation. When I did get a do over, I was so busy assigning all the blame to the other person, and wanting them to admit that it was all their fault, that the second chance would just pass me by. In my immature state, if an opportunity at a do over did not present itself when and how I wanted it, I would push and push and push some more until what I perceived as a second chance would come into existence. It was not a real opportunity to change things though, it was me bullying another person into doing things my way.

In the last year, I have been granted many second chances. It just so happens that in the last year I have also managed to mature. As a result, the outcome of those opportunities has been wonderful. Surviving my suicide attempt allowed me the opportunity to change my thinking and change how I managed my life. I have been able to do things differently with my daughter and have repaired that relationship. My husband and I have had a second chance and we are fixing things between us. I have even been given an opportunity to do things differently with my mother.

My mother and I have had a mostly turbulent relationship. We loved each other, but we could never really connect. On many occasions, we said things to each other that were better left unsaid. I cannot speak for her, but more than once I have been so angry with her that I did not want to be around her. Then something remarkable happened. My mother and I become friends. I never thought that we would ever have a decent relationship, much less become friends. Yet, that is exactly what has happened. We were given an opportunity at a do over, and we took full advantage of it.

I have not been given all of the second chances I have hoped for. For the most part, that is okay with me. However, there is one do over that I want more than all the rest. An opportunity to do things differently with my son. Everyday I hope and pray for it. I believe it will happen when we are both ready. In the mean time, I must patiently wait.

I am very grateful for all the do overs I have been given in the last year, and also for having the tools to do things differently. It is a nice feeling to know that we have opportunities to fix things if we do not get them right the first time.

Poetry Corner – Not Really

I just had to do a writing exercise. I had to write a poem using the word frustrate in a valid way. My poem is really awful, but it was fun to write. I thought I would share it with everyone.

My mate tends to frustrate
Causing a most un-welcome state
Leading my mate who tends to frustrate
To getting no date
With me on the plate

My mate has learned to not frustrate
Causing a most welcome state
Leading my mate who has learned not to frustrate
To getting a date
With me on the plate

Mornning Ramblings About Writing

I have been so busy the last four or five days. Writing, writing, and more writing, preceded by a 24 hour writer’s block. I know there has not been that much new writing showing up here, so where has my writing been going to?

I recently found a web site called Writing.Com. I am very excited by it. Many, many writers of various types submit their work there. Freelance work opportunities are listed there and publishers often visit the site. The other neat thing about the site is that you can submit your work for review. The other writers on the site are very generous and have been very helpful. Some anonymous person even paid for me to have a three month upgraded membership on the site.

I have submitted a couple of pieces of writing for review. So far the reviews have been very good. Here are two of my favorite quotes from the reviews I have received.

Your spelling and grammar were perfect, your wording really seemed to flow well… The piece itself, I honestly really love and was so pleased to read it…

I only wish I could’ve given you more suggestions on this piece, but I was simply courted by it =-)
What an awesome piece, glad to have read it!

I am looking forward to submitting more writing pieces there.

My daughter and husband have been so cute lately. They have gotten used to me writing something everyday and I have gotten into the habit of reading it to them. Now every evening they ask me if I have anything new and tell me it is “story time” Yesterday my husband told me he thought I should write a book. I feel so blessed to have family members that enjoy what I write so much.

My Relationship With My Purse

I love purses. I love how they look, feel and even how they smell. My favorites are the ones that are brightly colored and have lots of zippers and pockets. As much as I love purses though, I hate to carry them. It would not matter if it was one of those way over priced purses that so many women seem to love. I still would not find it enjoyable to carry. Instead, I would feel slightly stressed and uncomfortable.

Purses make me feel more awkward and clumsier than I normally am. There is just something about having one hanging from my shoulder that makes me feel like a bull in a china shop. More than once I have pictured myself accidentally taking out shelves and shelves of glassware with a purse. I also have a fear that one day I will turn around in a store aisle and see a line of people, that I had knocked over, laying in the floor.

Every purse I have ever owned seems to eat some of the things I put in it. Items go in, and some are never seen again. Especially chapstick. Dryers eat socks, my purses eat chapstick. I can take everything out, pile it on a table, go through it carefully and never find the three tubes of chapstick that should have been in my purse.

When my purses are not eating my chapstick, they are sucking things to bottom. Most of the time, the only way to find the missing item is to unload my purse, and check all the nooks, crannies and folds that are in the bottom. This procedure seems to take at least fifteen minutes to accomplish, longer if I am looking for my check book and people are waiting behind me.

Given how I feel about carrying purses, it is understandable that once I was emancipated from the diaper bag, I pared down the items I needed to carry around with me. What I ended up with was just enough items that would fit in a slender woman’s wallet that I could stick in my pocket. It was great, no more worrying about injuring people in a horrible purse accident, my chapstick was safe, and I no longer had to dig through something just to find a checkbook. For many years I lived blissfully with my little wallet.

The day that I was diagnosed with asthma, my little wallet and I had to part ways. I had to start carrying a rescue inhaler so I needed to have a purse to put it in. Fortunately, it took up only a little room, so I was able to use a fairly small purse. Since it was so small, I did not feel as clumsy as I normally would with a purse and when I had to find something in it, there was very little I had to look through. It still ate my chapstick though.

Then came the day I was diagnosed with diabetes. Once again I was having to say goodbye, this time to my little purse. Along with my rescue inhaler, I was now going to have to carry a glucose meter, syringes, vials of two different insulins, alcohol swabs, a small bottle to dispose the syringes in, rescue supplies (in case my sugar dropped), a small can of pineapple juice, crackers, and all my other medications. There is no way I could use any other size purse but the giant kind. You know the kind, they are about as big as a diaper bag.

Once again, I am stuck carrying a purse that makes me feel awkward and clumsy. I have managed to take out a few pieces of glassware with it. My husband’s duty when we go places now is to stand between me and the breakables. More than once he has had to tug on me to keep me from endangering the health and well being of someone standing too close to my purse. It is impossible for me to ever find something without unloading at least a few things. And yes, this purse also has a taste for chapstick.

Thursday Thirteen – Myths

My Thursday Thirteen for this week is Thirteen Myths about Mental Illness

1. Myth-Psychiatric disorders are not true medical illnesses like heart disease and diabetes. People who have a mental illness are just “crazy.”

Fact-Brain disorders, like heart disease and diabetes, are legitimate medical illnesses. Research shows there are genetic and biological causes for psychiatric disorders, and they can be treated effectively.

2. Myth- People with a severe mental illness, such as schizophrenia, are usually dangerous and violent.

Fact-Statistics show that the incidence of violence in people who have a brain disorder is not much higher than it is in the general population. Those suffering from a psychosis such as schizophrenia are more often frightened, confused and despairing than violent.

3. Myth-Mental illness is the result of bad parenting.

Fact – Most experts agree that a genetic susceptibility, combined with other risk factors, leads to a psychiatric disorder. In other words, mental illnesses have a physical cause.

4. Myth- Depression results from a personality weakness or character flaw, and people who are depressed could just snap out of it if they tried hard enough.

Fact-Depression has nothing to do with being lazy or weak. It results from changes in brain chemistry or brain function, and medication and/or psychotherapy often help people to recover.

5. Myth-Schizophrenia means split personality, and there is no way to control it.

Fact- Schizophrenia is often confused with multiple personality disorder. Actually, schizophrenia is a brain disorder that robs people of their ability to think clearly and logically. The estimated 2.5 million Americans with schizophrenia have symptoms ranging from social withdrawal to hallucinations and delusions. Medication has helped many of these individuals to lead fulfilling, productive lives.

6. Myth-Depression is a normal part of the aging process.

Fact- It is not normal for older adults to be depressed. Signs of depression in older people include a loss of interest in activities, sleep disturbances and lethargy. Depression in the elderly is often undiagnosed, and it is important for seniors and their family members to recognize the problem and seek professional help.

7. Myth-Depression and other illnesses, such as anxiety disorders, do not affect children or adolescents. Any problems they have are just a part of growing up.

Fact- Children and adolescents can develop severe mental illnesses. In the United States, one in ten children and adolescents has a mental disorder severe enough to cause impairment. However, only about 20 percent of these children receive needed treatment. Left untreated, these problems can get worse. Anyone talking about suicide should be taken very seriously.

8. Myth – If you have a mental illness, you can will it away. Being treated for a psychiatric disorder means an individual has in some way “failed” or is weak.

Fact- A serious mental illness cannot be willed away. Ignoring the problem does not make it go away, either. It takes courage to seek professional help.

9. Myth-Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), formerly known as “shock treatment,” is painful and barbaric.

Fact- ECT has given a new lease on life to many people who suffer from severe and debilitating depression. It is used when other treatments such as psychotherapy or medication fail or cannot be used. Patients who receive ECT are asleep and under anesthesia, so they do not feel anything.

10. Myth-Most people with mental illness live on the streets or are in mental hospitals.

Fact-Over two-thirds of Americans who have a mental illness live in the community and lead productive lives. Most people who need hospitalization are only there for brief periods to get treatment and are then able to return home, just like people hospitalized for other conditions. Some people with mental illness do become homeless and could benefit from treatment and services.

11. Myth – I can’t do anything for a person with mental illness.

Fact-You can do a lot, starting with how you act and speak. You can create an environment that builds on people’s strengths and promotes understanding. For example:

Don’t label people with words like “crazy,” “wacko,” or “loony” or define them by their diagnosis. Instead of saying someone is “a schizophrenic,” say he or she “has schizophrenia.”

Don’t say “a schizophrenic person,” say “a person with schizophrenia.”

Learn the facts about mental health and share them with others, especially if you hear something that isn’t true.

Treat people with mental illnesses with respect and dignity, just as you would anybody else.

Respect the rights of people with mental illnesses and don’t discriminate against them when it comes to housing, employment, or education.

Like other people with disabilities, people with mental health problems are protected under federal and state laws

12. Myth-Mental illness is a single, rare disorder.

Fact-Mental illness is not a single disease but a broad classification for many disorders. Anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, personality disorders, eating disorders and organic brain disorders can cause misery, tears and missed opportunities.

13. Myth- If you think someone has a mental illness, you should wait to do something until she asks you for help.

Fact-Addressing the problem as soon as you notice symptoms usually results in earlier treatment and a better outcome. If you notice a friend is behaving differently than usual, you should encourage her to seek help and discuss her problems.Reassure your friend that you’re available for support. If she refuses to seek help, make an appointment with a professional to discuss the situation and the available options.

Thursday Thunks – I Probably Went To The Bathroom

We pick a subject, and your job is to interpret it anyway you want. Write about it on your blog… simple as that. Maybe you can interpret it as a picture – we don’t care!
Please only leave a link if you have written a Thursday Thunks post. Please mention us in your post, and link back to the blog here.

Don’t forget to go visit the other participants’ blogs. Read and comment about all their Thursday Thunks! Thats what all this is about afterall, isn’t it? We’ll have so much fun and become lifelong friends….

The TT questions are brought to you by Berleen, the color of daisies and the number 0.

Got your taxes done?

What do batteries run on?

Legs



What do chickens think we taste like?

Cow



What do they call a French kiss in France?

a kiss

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real
lemons?

I have no idea, but I like these dancing lemons

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

I do not say what, I say “I did not understand you” and I will say it once. The picture does not go with the question, but I wanted to use it somewhere. This seems as good of a place as any.



I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I probably went to the bathroom or something



So Mel Gibson left his girlfriend – think he’s finally heard of me?

I am sure he has. Just wait by the phone, he could all at any minute.

Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?

No idea.

>

Are you bothered that I didn’t number these?

Not at all.

There’s a Froggie Treasure Hunt going on… winner wins a $20 Amazon gift certificate ~ Why haven’t you joined ICForums and started playing yet?

never even heard of it.

Dangerous, Crazy, Disabled

There is a certain stigma that usually surrounds people with mental illnesses. Dangerous, crazy, violent, stupid, disabled, weak, are the usual judgments that are made about the mentally ill because of this stigma. These negative labels often keep people from seeking help for a mental illness. They fear that friends, family and strangers will treat them with disdain and disrespect.

As much as I hate to admit it, I was one of those people who held a negative stereotypical image of the mentally ill. I was quick to make judgments and in my mind (and possibly outwardly) I had less respect for the mentally ill, than so called normal people. I did not believe that the mentally ill were really capable of being productive members of society and I had it in my head that most if not all were violent. I was very harsh in my judgments.

I could say that I had those harsh judgments because of how the mentally ill are portrayed in the movies, or on TV. I could blame it on the fact that when there are news reports about the mentally ill, it seems that the news media picks the worst cases to talk about. I could even defend myself with the fact that my ideas came from outdated opinions about the mentally ill that seem to still persist in our society.

The truth is that I had a choice, I could have taken the time to learn more about mental illness and the people affected by it. I never did. I never believed that anyone in my family could be affected by a mental illness, much less me. Then I came up close and personal with mental illness, and I was the one who had it.

Even when I was in very real trouble with my depression and knew it, my harsh judgments were still there. My own judgments got in the way of me seeking help before things came to head with my suicide attempt. I knew that if I thought that way about people with mental illnesses, my family would as well. I kept quiet, and I became more ill.

Once I started receiving help for my mental illness, I realized how wrong my judgments were. I also realized what my judgments (and how they kept me from seeking help) almost cost me…..my life. At the very least, since I refused to seek help for so long, my judgments allowed my mental illness to become worse.

Obviously through my treatments and my hospitalization I was exposed to many people with mental illnesses. I was surprised at how many of them seemed so “normal” to me. They were intelligent, well spoken people, and most were doing well with their recovery programs. They were certainly not weak people because they were working hard to manage their mental illnesses, even if the mental illness was still giving them difficulty. For the most part, the mentally ill people I was exposed to were much more generous and giving than many “normal” people I have met. Probably much more generous and giving than I might have been before my own diagnosis. As far as the mentally ill people I encountered being violent, there was only a very minute portion that were.

If things had been fair, I would have been treated to the same harsh judgments that I had about the mentally ill before my diagnosis. Things were not fair and I have been shown much kindness by the majority of the people who have had a hand in my recovery process.

I have learned a great many truths in this past year since I began my recovery process. I have learned that I have been a very judgmental person. Being such a judgmental person has caused myself and other people un-necessary pain. I have learned to let go of my judgments and take people as they are. I have come to realize that people with mental illnesses are as wide and varied as “normal” people are and that I should never, ever judge a person by their label.

Is there anything you have been judgmental about, only to find yourself in the same position later?

Can you think of a time when your judgments or someone else’s judgments may have cause harm (emotional, physical) to someone?

The Simple Woman's Daybook – April 13, 2010

FOR TODAY April 13, 2010

Outside my window…
Sunny, Sunny, pollen filled day. The pine tree pollen has turned everything yellow.

I am thinking…about what topic I should blog about.

I am thankful for…life, and the ability to live it.

From the kitchen…nothing.
The dishes are done and I had cereal for breakfast.

I am wearing…what I always wear when I do this meme. I am wearing pajamas

I am creating…
writing topics to enter into contests.

I am going…
to do whatever I can to keep from napping today.

I am reading…
lots of different blogs so I can see the different writing styles.

I am hoping…
that I can get through to my son

I am hearing…birds chirping and the dog’s squeak toy

Around the house…there are a few things to be done but I am not going to stress about them

One of my favorite things…is this meme. It is very relaxing and positive.

A few plans for the rest of the week:same as usual, but that is a good thing

Here is picture for thought I am sharing..
.

What I Have Learned From Blogging….

Today I found a cute blog post called What Has Blogging Taught You written by Lolli. I thought I would follow her lead and list ten things that blogging has taught me.

1. I have learned that I really enjoy writing.

2. I learned that my internet friends are great at keeping me company when I am in the hospital.

3. I have learned that my daughter enjoys reading what I write and learning about me from my blog.

4. I have learned that my family has come to expect me to write about them and not only are they OK with it, they enjoy hearing what I write about them.

5. I have learned that blogging is a great emotional outlet for me.

6. I have learned that my neighborhood is as big as the world.

7. I have learned that there are many generous and giving people in the world.

8. I have learned that there are some great bloggers who love to share their knowledge with others.

9. I have learned that I really do have something to say.

10. I have learned that there are more people that actually listen to what I say then I ever thought there would be.

What have you learned from blogging?