30 Things About My Invisible Illnesses You May Not Know

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1. The illnesses I live with are: Clinical/Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder

2. I was diagnosed with them in: May of 2009

3. But I  have had symptoms since: On and off for most of my life.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Learning how to take part in my own life again.

5. Many people assume:  Depression is simply being sad.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting over my “drug hangover”.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I do not watch medical shows anymore, most contain plot lines that I find depressing.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:  My computer

9. The hardest part about nights are:  Not sleeping well and lately I have been having really bad nightmares.

10. Each day I take 14 pills, at least 4 injections, and 4 puffs on inhaler.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: choose not to use herbs or herbal supplements, I am afraid they would not mix well with my medications.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I have both an invisible illness and several visible illnesses.  In my opinion, neither is a better one to have.

13. Regarding working and career:  I cannot work outside of the home due to the various illnesses I have.  I work hard to find ways to make money from home.

14. People would be surprised to know:  How much better I am compared to where I was this time last year and how much my daily medication routine affects me.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:  How my medications affect me.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:  Enjoy life again.

17. The commercials about my illness:  Make it seem easier than it really was for me at the worst of times.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:  Actually nothing.  I am doing more now than when I was diagnosed.  By the time I was diagnosed, I had almost quit functioning.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: My suicidal thoughts.  They had been such a constant, continuous thing for so long, that it was hard to get through a day without having them.  In some ways, they were the only reliable thing in my life.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Writing

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I do not know. I do not think I even know what normal is anymore.

22. My illness has taught me: To accept myself.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: The truth is, negative or unproductive comments from uneducated or closed minded people do not bother me.

24. But I love it when people: Encourage and support me as best they can.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I created my own personal motto…I will live my life fully, and experience everything. I will take care of myself. I will have fun, be crazy and be weird.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: I am there for them. It can get better.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The opportunities that have opened up for me.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Not to baby me, but let me know they were there when I needed them.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: It has become important to me to be an advocate for people with mental health issues. I am one of the lucky ones. I am able to function and have clarity and my therapy and medications seem to work for me right now. Not everyone with a mental health issue is able to achieve that kind of stability in a little over a year of treatment.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Proud. Like what I write about does make a difference.

You can find more posts from other people about their 30 things at Invisible Illness Week

My Double Standard

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Double Standard – One set of special rules for a favored group or person and a set of unfair rules for other groups or another person

The last year and half has been a time full of a great deal of change and internal inspection for me.  I discovered things about myself that I like immensely and I have discovered things about myself that I have been working hard to dispose of.  One of the things I have been working hard to get rid of, is my use of double standards.

For a great deal of my life I have had one set of rules for myself and another set for other people. Almost without fail, I applied the unfair rules to myself and the special (better) rules to other people. I would let someone speak or treat me inappropriately, and because I had to follow the unfair rules I would  not allow myself to tell them what they just did or said was inappropriate.  I would not set boundaries with them, and if it even crossed my mind to treat them like they treated me, it could be guaranteed that I would spend an extreme amount of effort beating myself up.

I felt that I was justified in the way I chose to use my double standard.  I did not feel as if I was equal to other people.  I felt less worthy.  So it made it okay to let them get away with what they were doing.  My double standard was so obvious to others, that even my son has felt that it was okay to treat me inappropriately and my rules allowed him to do it.

It became clear to me that if I was going to continue to progress in my journey towards mental wellness, that things were going to have to change.  I needed to get rid of my double standard and expect and demand to be treated in a respectful, and dignified manner.  This proved to be extremely difficult for me.  I still had a problem with self worth, and I still believed that I was not equal to other people.  Not to mention, to speak up to people I considered adults (even though I was one), especially ones that I considered authority figures was almost impossible.  To me it felt disrespectful to the authority figure if I made them aware of how they were treating and talking to me.

I started simply and even before I felt worthy of respect.  I set boundaries that were clear.  No one would talk to me or treat me inappropriately without me saying something about it.  It was an interesting thing.  Just by not using my double standard anymore, my self worth instantly grew a notch.  It was as if once I began treating myself as if I deserved dignity and respect, I began to believe I did.

I no longer feel as if I am going around with a sullen and sad expression on my face.  I no longer feel that I am not equal to other people.  I no longer feel as if I deserve to be treated by the unfair rules.  I speak up for myself, and people in my life treat me exactly as I want to be treated and how I treat them

Have you ever applied a double standard in your life?  Were you the one you applied the set of unfair rules to?  If so, why do you think you did that?

Thankful Five

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I realized that I forgot to do my Thankful Five last week. I really wish I had not. I was feeling very rotten and I believe if I had remembered, it would have perked me up. The good news is that I remembered this week. I will list ten things to be thankful for this week, to make up for the five I missed last week.

  • I am thankful my face healed up really fast after my face plant last week.
  • I am thankful that my MRSA infection is gone, now the spot has to finish healing.
  • I am thankful that the nurse at my psychiatric treatment center sent me to the ER, since it turned out that I was dehydrated.
  • I am thankful that my little daughter turned 14 on August 11th.
  • I am thankful for the enjoyable times I have spent with my parents over the last few weekends.
  • I am thankful I got to talk to a blogging friend on the phone today @anxiouskaley
  • I am thankful for coffee.
  • I am thankful for seeing my niece yesterday.
  • I am thankful that I can see my counselor tomorrow.
  • I am thankful that summer is getting closer to be over.

What are you thankful for?

Challenges

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“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are”

I always enjoy it when I read a blog post that inspires me to write. I enjoy it even more when that inspiring post is written by a blogger I have never “met” before.  Today I was inspired to write a post about my challenges in life and my reaction to them by a blog post written by Amy Steelman-Prueter titled Do Challenges Stop You?.

My life feels as if it can be seen from two different time lines, the beginning of each one represents a birth.  The time lines are named, Life Before Depression Treatment Begins (LBDTB), and Life After Depression Treatment Begins (LADTB).  My reactions to life challenges are different from one period of time to the next.

In the time period of Life Before Depression Treatment Begins, my reaction to challenges in my life was often to become paralyzed with fear, worry and anxiety.  I literally became unable to move and it almost felt as if I could not breathe.  I would let challenges stop me in my tracks.  Whenever I could, I would get my husband to deal with whatever was challenging me.  However, there were some that he could not take care of, so I would be left to face them myself.

The problem was, I would almost never actually face them.  My thought was that if I could ignore whatever was challenging me  long enough, it would eventually go away.  Can you see the problem with this line of thinking?

Because I was not dealing with a challenge head on it, my fear, worry and anxiety would increase drastically.  Building up negative thoughts about what I was facing to such a degree that the only outcome I could envision was one of disaster and mayhem.  It never quite sunk in that ignoring it is what usually caused the negative outcomes.  In addition, because I just sort of let things happen to me, instead of tackling things head on I felt as if no one really listened to me.

After I had been in the time of Life After Depression Treatment Begins for a while things began to slowly change.  In the beginning, the challenges I had to face were my daily struggle to not give into my suicidal thoughts again, going to therapy once a week, and trying to be there for my family.  As my mind became healthier, I was able to take on more challenges and began to see that by facing them, I was growing and changing as a person.  I no longer experienced paralyzing fear and worry when I was facing challenges, in fact I began to welcome them, seeing them as an opportunity to learn more about myself and to become a healthier person.

There are times when I still feel some anxiety when I am facing a challenge in my life.  I think that anxiety is born out of a fear that I might not know how to handle what I am facing.  However, I have learned the quickest way to get over that anxiety is to go ahead and face whatever it is that is in front of me.  After all, I do have the tools to overcome most challenges, and in cases where I do not, I have people in my life who can help me.

There has been a wonderful side effect to being proactive in the face of a life challenge.  I feel stronger and healthier.  Every challenge that I successfully overcome causes me to feel more empowered and also creates an aura of self-confidence that I do not remember experiencing during the time of Life Before Depression Treatment Begins.

What about you?  Do you tackle challenges head on, or do you allow them to stop you?  Are you like me and have experienced a time where you let them stop you, but you changed how you reacted to life challenges at some point?

Family Reunion

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Yesterday was time for the yearly family reunion for my grandfather’s side of the family.  Although my grandfather passed away many years ago, I still find it odd to go to that family reunion and not see him there.  He grew up in a family that was large, so there are times when we go to these reunions and the place is packed.

I have to admit, going to these reunions is not something I enjoy a whole lot, I go mostly because it means a great deal to my grandmother.  The family is rather large and we moved a lot when I was growing up, so as a result I really do not know many people when I go.  Also, due to the amount of people at times, it has been known to cause me a great deal of anxiety.  Yesterday’s reunion was different though.  I enjoyed myself.  Nothing has changed about the reunions, I think I enjoyed it more because my own thinking has changed.

Here are some pictures from the reunion I wanted to share with ya’ll.

Observations About My Husband

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In the past, I have blogged about how hard my mental illness has been on my husband. I went from being his partner to being a blob, who could barely take care of herself, much less provide him any support.  After many months of therapy, I am his partner again.  However, my role as his partner is different than it was before, and it has taken him some time to get used to who I am now.

Since I am not so focused on myself anymore, I have noticed that he has changed a great deal in the last year and half that I have been getting help for my depression.  Here are a few things that I have observed about him.

  • He is much more patient than he used to be.
  • He understands how much loud noises bother me and make me anxious. He is talking softer, so his voice does not bother me.  If he is doing work around the house, he will ask if it is ok to use a power tool and then warn me before he starts it up.
  • He enjoys cooking. When I married him the only thing he could cook was microwave popcorn.  The other day he shared with me that he now enjoys cooking and making up his own recipes.
  • He is extremely supportive when I am having a bad mental health day. Before I was being treated with depression, everyday was a bad mental health day.  He would get irritated because he did not know or understand why I was having such a hard time.  However, now that he has a greater understanding about what is going on, he no longer gets irritated.  Now when I have a bad mental health day he is very gentle with me, and understands that I am doing the best that I can.
  • He listens better. It has been a struggle for me to get him to really hear me, however, he is now putting a great deal of effort into listening to me.

A Lesson About Shame

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Ashamed Disgraced Embarrassed

When we do something morally wrong, these emotions can serve a valuable purpose. They act as a catalyst of sorts, propelling us to make amends, confess what we did, and take responsibility for our actions. However, if we use these emotions to beat ourselves up, then any valuable purpose they might have served is thrown by the wayside, and that is how many of us seem to utilize them the most.

In the last few years, I have come to know how it feels to be ashamed and embarrassed because of having a mental illness, felt the disgrace of being  hospitalized against my will, and experienced all three emotions at once after I tried to commit suicide.  I was able to move past those feelings by blogging about my experiences and sharing my story.

When I am experiencing a depressive episode, I am not a nice person.  I take all the anger that I am feeling towards myself and lash out at people around me. As a result, now that my thinking is more clear, I feel a great deal of shame about many of my past actions.  Logically, I can acknowledge that in some ways I am not responsible for those past actions because my mind was so unhealthy, but that logic does not stop me from beating myself up.

A few weeks ago, someone I knew when I was in high school requested to be added to my friend’s list on Facebook.  I accepted her, but did not say much of anything to her.  The reason I did not is because during one of my depressive episodes in high school, I was not very nice to her.    Even though it has been over 20 years since I have been in high school, every time I saw her name come across my Facebook time line I would feel a great deal of shame about how I remembered treating her at times.  Finally, I decided that I would write her and apologize for how I treated her when we were in school together, and I did.

Part of her response included this:

Hi there! You shouldn’t apologize for anything. I never habored any negative feelings toward you or about you…so put that to rest.

Not only was her response to my apology very gracious, it made me start thinking. My thoughts were about shame. I wondered how much shame and embarrassment I have felt about things that I really had nothing to be ashamed of. Not just beating myself up with these emotions, but just feeling them in the first place when there was no reason to.  After thinking about this for a bit, I realized that most of the time when I felt these emotions there was absolutely no reason too.  They were simply the product of an unhealthy mind and also of me being very hard on myself.

I have decided to free myself from the burden of unnecessary feelings of shame, embarrassment, and disgrace.  I will no longer allow them to be a part of my life if the sole purpose for my feeling them is to cause myself harm.

Are there times when you have felt ashamed, embarrassed, and/or disgraced?  Were those feelings used in the proper way, to bring something you had done wrong to your attention?  Or were they used to beat yourself up with.? Have you ever had those feelings when there was absolutely no reason to?

Face Plant Part II

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So….when my mom came home I told her about my face plant incident and how I did not even remember falling.  Just that one second I was walking and the next I was laying face down in the road, and it was obvious that I had not even tried to stop my fall.  She said that I had experienced Syncope….

Syncope is the proper medical terminology for a sudden loss of consciousness, or fainting. While the underlying causes for syncope vary, the phenomenon is relatively common. Chances are that every person will experience an episode of passing out with little or no warning at some point during his or her life.

After doing some research, I think my Syncope episode was most likely caused by my medication combination, especially since the pain pills were added to the mix. I had not taken any pain pills for days and then Friday my MRSA infection became very painful again. My husband encouraged me to take some pain medication so I wold not be miserable all night. Also, in my research I discovered that psychiatric medications and blood pressure medications can lead to Syncope. I chose not to be looked at by a doctor after I fell this morning, however, if I do that again today or in the next few days, I will go let a doctor examine me, just to make sure that everything is OK.

What I do know is that I feel completely wiped out. As if I could sleep for days and days.

Face Plant

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I am on way more medication than the average person, in addition I believe my chosen suicide attempt method messed up my brain to some extent.  As a result of those things, my balance can be pretty bad at times.  This morning was a reminder to me about just how bad my balance is.

We are still in Augusta, at my parents house.  Farrol (my husband) and I were heading out to pick up biscuits for everyone.  A couple of houses down from my parents a new family is moving in.  The father was trying to get a UHaul truck up his driveway but he was having some difficulty. Farrol walked down there to give the family a hand with getting the truck up to the top of the driveway.  Initially, I stayed at the car, then I changed my mind.  I stepped off the curb to walk down the road and I am not sure quite what happened.

The next thing I am aware of is my face being firmly planted on the road, my glasses flying off of my face and both my hands and one knee being in pain. When my husband saw me laying on the road, he got scared ran to where I was and helped me up.  My nose is scraped up, under my nose is cut and it is hard to tell from my pictures, but my chin is scrapped up too.  My face hurts.  There is some swelling, fortunately not too much.

All in all, considering I did not even get my hands out to stop myself and my face hit the pavement, the damage is minor.  The only troublesome thing is that I really do not remember the fall itself.  I just remember standing up right and then my nose is on the pavement and out of the corner of my eye I can see my glasses flying.

Now that it has been a couple of hours since I fell, my body is definitely getting sore.  Sore back, sore neck, sore arms….ugh!