There is a pastor by the name of Dr. James McDonald that I enjoy listening to. Mom downloads his podcasts almost every day, and usually plays them in the mornings. One the reasons I like listening to him is because his messages are very applicable to real life situations and issues. The message we listened to on Thursday morning was no exception. It was about honoring our parents, and it really touched me.
Near the beginning of his message, Dr. James McDonald, refers to God’s “top ten list”. This list is actually the Ten Commandments, and he specifically references this commandment;
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you
Dr. James McDonald also pointed out that this commandment is mentioned in both the Old Testament and the New Testament, and that it is the only commandment with a promise.
His message emphasized the importance of honoring our parents, especially in a society like we have now. I am sure you know what I am talking about; we live in a society in which many of us are so focused on self that we forget to or choose not to honor all of our family obligations. Obviously, as a Christian it is important for me to honor my parents, it is one of the Ten Commandments, but James McDonald points out that there is are some very practical purposes in honoring our parents.
Our Parents are not Perfect
None of us have perfect parents. Some of us have parents who were/are just plain horrible. I believe that most of us can probably find many things to be angry with our parents about. Some of that anger is even justified, especially in situations where abuse is involved. However, holding onto that anger is unhealthy. It makes us bitter, negative, and unforgiving. Studies have shown that those negative feelings can be detrimental to our mental and physical health. In addition, when we honor our parents we are setting an example for our own children. By doing this we are teaching them how to honor us as they get older, and we are also teaching them how to let go of their own anger and bitterness toward us as imperfect parents. It is something they can pass onto their own children, and their children’s children, affecting many generations in our families.
No matter how wonderful or how awful our parents were/are, there is a bond between us and them. Sometimes we can go years without speaking to them or seeing them, but that still does not change the fact that they love us, and we love them. Unfortunately, in circumstances like this, nothing will change until someone makes the first move. Dr. James McDonald challenges us to be the one to make that first move.
Just like we long for the love of our parents, they long for our love. They may not be able to express their love for us in the way we want, but they do love us. Just like we can be hurt, so can our parents. In honoring them we are acknowledging the things they did do right, the good advice they gave us, and we are acknowledging their failings, as well as our own.
Some of us have extremely hurtful relationships with our parents. They may have been abusive, emotionally and physically. We still need to honor them, if for no other reason but to let go of any bitterness and anger we might have towards them for our own good.
Three Things Honoring Our Parents Does not Mean
James McDonald points out that there are three things that honoring our parents does not mean.
1. Groveling and seeking their approval.
2. Making yourself vulnerable to their hurtful behavior. You can set appropriate boundaries.
3. Ignoring or denying the past. We should not act as if those issues do not exist, but in order to forgive we cannot let those issues affect our attitudes toward our parents.
Looking at Our Parents from a Different Perspective
Honoring our parents does mean we are:
1. Choosing to highly value our relationship with our parents. We need to drop the attitude that it does not matter to us or them.
2. Taking the initiative to improve our relationship with our parents, in whatever way we can.
3. Recognizing that our parents did do something right. For many of us, it may be difficult to see that our parents did anything right. We might have a difficult time seeing it because of our pain. If we open our hearts up, God will show us what we need to see.
4. Acknowledging the sacrifices they made for us.
5. Viewing them the way Christ does, with compassion and mercy.
6. Forgiving them the way God has forgiven us.
I know some of you are thinking that it is easy for me to write about honoring my parents when I have such a good relationship with mom, and had a good relationship with dad before he died. Our relationships were not always good. In fact, there were times when we would go months without even speaking to each other. For a very long time, mom and I could barely stand to be in the same room with each other.
My parents were not perfect when I was growing up. There were things that happened that hurt me. I was very angry about my way less than perfect childhood. That anger stayed with me for a good portion of my life. The bitterness, and unforgiveness I felt towards my parents clouded every part of my existence. I was a very unhappy person, and I often made the people around me very unhappy as well. The anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness hurt me physically and mentally.
Once I could move past those negative feelings, my life became so much better. I was happier. My depression became easier to manage, and my parents and I were able to repair our relationships. I was doing things to honor my parents, and I discovered that honoring my parents was not the chore I always envisioned it would be. I became mentally and physically healthier.
I want you to know I understand how and why you might be extremely angry with your parents. In order for you to let those unhealthy feelings go, I urge you to find a way to honor them. I promise honoring your parents is good for you!
