Confusing. Drama. Unclear. Mean. Vile. Vindictive. These are just a few of the words to describe what it has been like lately whenever I have to interact with Joe Bob – click on Joe Bob’s name to find out who he is. On one day he can be so vile, and vindictive in what he says to me that I wonder how I could have ever married someone so mean, then the next day he is acting super sweet, and caring. As soon as I say something, or answer one of his questions in a way he does not like then he is back to being nasty again. It has become a familiar pattern.
Obviously, I have no job, and no money coming in. The computer I have is still being paid off. Joe Bob agreed to make the payments for me. He has made a few – which I greatly appreciate, however, if he decides that it is not convenient for him, then he will often choose not to. I suspect he is using the fact that I need him to do this as a way to try to continue exerting some type of control over me. Two weeks ago, once again I received a phone call from the “computer people” letting me know that he had not made a payment, and once again my account was behind. I called him to find out what was going on. It turns out he had a legitimate reason why he had not followed through with a payment.
Joe Bob drives a logging truck. With the icy, bad weather that we have been having here, he has not been able to work much. It has also been difficult for him to even get out of the driveway of the house. I can, and do understand things like that. Unfortunately, rather than believe that I understood he went off on me during the phone conversation. I did not say much to him while he was ranting, raving, and being nasty mean. More than once he referred to my mental illness, and how unfair that has made his life. He cussed at me. Made threats. Referred to me as a lazy, good for nothing person, and let me know how miserable I have made his life. At some point, – when he paused to take a breath – I asked him why he was being so vindictive. He never could answer that question. His response was to hurl more insults and threats at me.
One of Joe Bob’s threats was to tell me that he was going to file this year’s income tax return without my name on it. Not separate but married, he was just going to file it as if he were not married at all. I told him to “go for it”. Then when I filed down here as separate but married, the IRS would see an issue with our income tax papers, and investigate both of us. That would put his income tax return in jeopardy. When I said that he became furious, and started saying even worse things to me. He told me that I had not worked the whole time we have been married so I did not deserve even a penny of the return – I did not work because of a decision Joe Bob and I made together. He also told me I was being a “butt” because I was making it more difficult for him to get his taxes done. He knew that if he filed as a married person, I would have to go there and sign off on the return as well, and he would also need me present to sign the check with him. I think he was hoping that he could get all that done without my participation so I could not have access to the money. By saying what I did, I threw a wrench into his plans.
The conversation – if that is what it can be called – ended shortly after that, but not before Joe Bob told me he really had no plans to file the way he originally told me he would. Of course that makes me wonder why he would lie about it in the first place. My gut tells me he really had intended to do that, and when I countered with telling him I would make things difficult by filing separate but married he decided his original plan might not be a good idea.
The next day Joe Bob called, and his demeanor was completely different. He was nice, kind, positive, and even went so far as to ask me if I would consider working things out. I was up front with him, telling him that I was not sure that would be possible. Just based on the recent past – the phone conversation the day before – I could tell nothing had changed, and I am not prepared to put myself back in the unhealthy situation I have just left. He “claimed” to remember nothing of what he said the day before. He said that he had a cold, and some cold medication he took “made” him behave badly, and promptly forget the things he said. He continued being – what he considers – nice for another week. This past Saturday, it took a dramatic change.
Joe Bob seems to be really focused on that income tax return. He took his last pay check stub from 2010 to a fairly well known company that does taxes cheaply, rapidly. He says they told him that based on the information he provided them, we could be looking at a tax return of $6000. During the conversation we were having about the tax return, Joe Bob told me he would use part of the return to pay off my computer, and then he asked me how much money I would like if the return turned out to be that big. I told him I wanted $500. His response was “You can have half if you want”. Knowing that he needs to buy a new heater for the house, and a few other things need to be paid, I let him know that $500 would be fine with me. I thought I was being considerate. I thought that $500 was such a low amount that he would not have a problem with it. I thought wrong.
Not even 15 minutes later, Joe Bob was calling back, and he was furious. He told me I was “greedy”. He told me that I had “not worked a day in my life” and did not “deserve” any of the money. He told me that he was going to file married but separate. My response was “fine”. He kept getting uglier and uglier in what he was saying, until he finally blurted out “I just want you to get the F*** out of my life!”
Once again, there has been another flip. Just last night he was being nice again, encouraging me to come home. He has taken on a new tactic in his persuasion technique. Now his approach is to tell me that my parents are not treating me properly because they are making me work too hard, and we “all know” that I am not capable of much. To be honest I was rather insulted by that implication. It was almost like he was saying that I just do not have what it takes to help myself, much less anyone else. I had briefly thought that I would play nice – until the tax return was filed – to keep this temporary peace. After spending most of the night thinking about it, I have decided that I am not going to behave in a way that implies I am okay with the things Joe Bob is saying and doing. It is emotionally draining, and it is exactly what I used to do when I “lost my voice”. I stuffed what I was really feeling deep down inside, just to keep a shaky peace around the house.
The question I asked myself over and over was “Why did I come here to live, if I was going to allow him to treat me the same way I did when I was living in the same house with him? The answer I gave myself was “If I was not going to tolerate the behavior, and words there, then there is no reason why I should tolerate them here, and now.”
I am not going to go out of my way to antagonize him, but I need to speak up for myself. I do not have to tolerate that type of disrespectful behavior from anyone, and in the future I will hang up the phone when he allows himself to speak to be inappropriately.
The power of positive words is life giving. They build me up, and provide me with encouragement. They have been known to empower me, giving me the confidence I need to face something difficult. Beginning with the letter A and ending it with Z….I am going to make a list of one word for each letter (A-Z) and include why this word makes me feel positively happy.
The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed – Proverbs 11:25
Sugar Filled Emotions will be starting up the Mental Health Blogger of the week feature again. With everything going on in my life right around the same time I was doing the feature, I had to let it go. I am happy to be starting it up again, because I really enjoyed getting to know other Mental Health bloggers and seeing what they blogged about.
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope” Marting Luther King, Jr.