The other night I experienced an uncomfortable – yet familiar – set of emotions. It was feeling as if I had done something wrong, disappointed someone, and I was going to get into trouble for it. They caused me to feel very anxious, gave me an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, and made me extremely over sensitive to what the people around me said and did. Fortunately, I was able to recognize them for what they were – an ingrained habit learned over the last several years.
My daughter-in-law had spent most of the day out of the house. We had lunch, picked up a prescription for mom, went to Walmart, Krys had her hair done, and etc. We did not get back to the house until after 6:00 PM. We had not intended to stay gone that long, it just sort of happened. When we got home, my dad was already home from work, and was cooking supper. I did not realize it at the time, but he was not really feeling well because of a cold he was coming down with. He was not cranky, but because of how he felt he was not acting like he usually does when he gets home from work.
Instantly, I started thinking he was mad at me because I was not home before he was – to start on supper. I felt like I had let him down. I just “knew” that I was in trouble. Almost as soon as those thoughts took root in my mind, something dawned on me. I am a grown up. I do not have a curfew. I do not have to be home all the time. I do not even have to be home in time to fix supper. With that realization came another. I have been living in an environment of judgment, and unrealistic expectations for so long that – even though I am no longer in it – I still react as if I am.
I know it is going to take time to put aside that particular thought pattern. I am not even sure how to go about it. Maybe acknowledging that it is a problem is the beginning of doing away with it, but I am not completely sure. The next time I go to group, I will bring it up to my counselor. I am sure she will have some suggestions – homework – for me. In the meantime, if any of you have any suggestions for what might work, feel free to leave me a comment.
The power of positive words is life giving. They build me up, and provide me with encouragement. They have been known to empower me, giving me the confidence I need to face something difficult. Beginning with the letter A and ending it with Z….I am going to make a list of one word for each letter (A-Z) and include why this word makes me feel positively happy.
In the past, negativity, sadness, anxiety, and worry clouded both my waking, and sleeping dreams. I was so good at imagining a different reality for myself, that the emotions I felt were real. Unfortunately, I never concentrated that good imagination on anything positive. Life is different now. I see so many good things in life, that I find it impossible to take my thoughts, and dreams down such negative paths.
I love finding things to be thankful for. It allows me to better see the blessings in my life. It also makes it easier for me to keep a positive attitude on difficult days. Here are five things that I am thankful for today.
Wednesday I went up to North Georgia to attend my depression group, and to pick up some medications from the free clinic I go to. It was a long but fun day. I stayed over night with my grandmother, because I needed to take her to a doctor’s appointment on Thursday. My mother had an appointment with the same doctor at around the same time on Thursday as well. The initial plan was for me to drop my grandmother off at the doctor’s office, pick up some strollers from my brother, and then head back to Augusta. My mother – and the friend that drove her – were going to take my grandmother back home after they finished up. They had planned to spend the night with her, and come back this morning. All of our plans got changed when we saw a weather report that said the weather could get a bit snowy/icy up there Thursday night. Since my mother’s friend had driven her up there, and her friend’s husband is going out of town for business this weekend, they really did not want to get stuck up in the mountains. Her friend wanted to be able to be back in Augusta to see her husband off.
Today has been a long day. Not in a bad way. It has been long because I have been up since 3 AM. Group was today, and I needed to get on the road by 5 am to make it on time. Even with heavy traffic in down town Atlanta, I made it up here early, allowing me time to pick up some medications from the free clinic I go to.