Monthly Archives: December 2010

Day 4 – Blog Journal Entry

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For today’s journal entry I am supposed to post a picture of me from a couple of years ago. I am having a problem doing that. Two years ago I was still in my major depressive episode, and I do not think I let anyone take pictures of me. If anyone did manage to get a picture of me, I am sure it would have shown how sad I was feeling. I have decided to show an older – but happier – picture of me.

This was taken when I was about 23. I was visiting my parents – who were living in China. We had taken a trip into Hong Kong and had eaten at a fairly famous restaurant called Jumbo. The restaurant was huge, and on a boat in the Hong Kong harbor.

A Blast From My Past

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While I was in the shower this morning/afternoon, my daughter looked through my box of pictures. I guess she found a few things that caught her interest, because when I got back to my room, she looked at me and said “You never told me you were a writer.” Evidently, she had found a folder that contained some of the essays I wrote when I was in college. When I looked through the folder, I found the essay book that the professor had given us during the first class. It contains a very short, hand written essay – written by me – in it.

It was such a cute, and slightly funny piece of writing, that I read it out loud to my mother and daughter – including the notes the professor had written on it. After reading it to them, I decided that it might be fun to share part of my past here.

At that time in my life I was married, but separated from my first husband, and I had a seven month old baby boy. I was living in Phoenix, Arizona with my parents. My husband was in the Navy, which meant I had access to Luke Air Force Base. I had already spent a few months in a community college system in the area, and found out that they offered accelerated classes on the base.  I decided to take my English 101 class there. What follows is my first essay for that class, completed on the first night of class.


Human Sexuality

written August 13th, 1990

As usual, I am rushing around trying to get ready at the last minute. Finally, I got in my car and began speeding toward my destination – my first class in English 101. I am lucky to find a parking space up front. I proceed to park and run into the building to catch the elevator. So of course, since I am in a hurry, the elevator takes its own sweet time to arrive (teacher note: I think it was meant for a mortuary, not a combat support group)

When I finally manage to get to the correct floor, I stand in amazement at the various hallways I have to dash through to get to class on time. I repeat the room numbers to myself, safe in the knowledge it was close by. Finally, I have reached what appears to be my class. I walk swiftly to the back, pleased I arrived before the teacher. I sit down and start to relax. Then I notice, no one has the book I have. Surely, they can’t all have the wrong book. A dreadful thought appeared in my head. I could be in the wrong room. Tentatively, I asked someone what class I was in. Human Sexuality was the answer I received. Oh no! I was aiming for an English Class and ended up in a Human Sexuality Class! (teacher note: No Comment.)

Eventually to my relief I found my English Class. Of course, all my embarrassment could have been avoided if I wouldn’t always wait to the last minute to get ready to go anywhere.

(teacher note: Good start – This is a sprightly bit of writing and demonstrates good language skills, a sense of humor, and the ability to achieve in spite of pressure – perhaps a bit wordy, but on formal weekly essays you’s have time to revise.)

He gave me a B

Thankful Five

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I have not done a Thankful Five in a while. I let life overwhelm me and forgot about them. Seeing as how the Thankful Five was supposed to help me through rough times, it was probably not the best thing in the world that I forgot about doing them. I think starting them back up again will help me maintain a positive attitude during this time of high stress.

1. I am thankful for my family – they have shown me an enormous amount of support.

2. I am thankful to have a place to lay down my head at night.

3. I am thankful for being able to express my emotions in a healthy way.

4. I am thankful for dropping a whole pant size.

6. I am thankful for the snuggles with my dog.

Heart Breaking

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The last couple of weeks – at home – have been some of the worst I have ever experienced. I believe my marriage is over. I do not want it to be. I want to fight for it. Unfortunately, I do not believe my husband wants to. In fact, I think that for at least the last six to nine months, he has been looking for a reason to justify divorcing me. He got his reason last weekend.

My husband got angry with me for something, and I was very flippant in my response to him. My reaction made his anger worse and he asked me to not come home. Being very upset by being told not to come home, I went and talked with my parents about the situation. My father was very worried for me (he wanted to see me and my husband work things out) and called my husband. In his conversation, many things were said. The long and short of it, is my father was trying to explain to my husband that all of this pressure and degrading talk towards me, was not acceptable. My husband reacted badly. Extremely badly. In his anger, he said and did things that are painful to hear and painful to talk about.

In many ways my husband is a good man. He took on a child that was not his, adopted him, and provided all kinds of financial support for him. He loves our daughter very much. He has worked hard throughout our marriage to take care of all of us. He did not leave when I attempted suicide, and stuck it out when I was placed in a psychiatric hospital. However, just like all of us, he has a couple of bad habits. He is a very controlling person, and to be blunt, verbally abusive.

He is not the only one who has done things they should not. I have as well. I have said many things I should not have, and done many things I should not have. When I was severely depressed, I checked out of the family. I did not do much of anything around the house. I was not a good wife or mother. My lack of motivation did create more work for my husband. I also put up with the verbal abuse and controlling behavior for most of our marriage, making it easier for him to behave badly and for it to become a habit for him.

I could rehash every single not nice thing he has ever said to me, but I am not going to. I think sometimes when we rehash stuff over and over, we keep those emotions raw and it prevents us from moving forward. There are a few phrases that he has recently said that I think sum up his frame of mind perfectly.

  • Don’t come home.
  • I only say the mean things I do, to motivate you.
  • I know I am harsh on you but I do it because I worry about you.

Despite all of that, I do love him. I would be more than willing to stay with him, if he was ready and willing to start and stick with some individual and couples counseling. Unfortunately, at this time, he has no desire to do so. Which means, I have to make decisions that will preserve all the progress I have made toward being mentally healthy.

The hardest, most difficult thing about all of this is the effect it is having on my beautiful daughter. She is very much a daddy’s girl, however, she has acknowledged – on her own – that her daddy is “verbally abusive” to me, but “at least he does not hurt” me. She does not want to be separated from her daddy, so with my heart breaking, I have decided that at this time, it is in her best interest to stay with him. Right now I am at my parent’s house – she is with me – if at the end of the week she still wants to go home, I will let her. I can see nothing good coming out of forcing her to stay here, stressing her out, and having her cry all the time.

He has been saying things that he should not have to her about me. I cannot stop that, but I will not participate in parent bashing. My hope is that she will see that even though he is saying awful things to her about me, that I have not done the same. I have been truthful with her, shared my concerns about her emotional and mental well being, told her how much I love her, and brought her here with me so she has some time away from that stress. I have also prayed, and prayed that one day her eyes will be opened to the whole truth.

To hear your daughter sob uncontrollably, and know that you – her mother – and her father are responsible for it, is the worst feeling in the world. I want to take all of her pain away, fix things, and for us to be a happy family. I hate knowing how this whole thing is tearing her apart inside. It makes my heart ache at the thought of me and her living apart from each other. Despite all of that, I know that I also have to choose being mentally and emotionally healthy. It not only makes me a better person, but it also makes me a better parent.