Monthly Archives: August 2010

Depression, Suicide, and Family

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It has been a year and a half since my suicide attempt.  My outlook on life has radically changed during that time.  I have gone from knowing that death was my only option, to having the life I have always wanted.  I have really had to work hard to change so much in a relatively short amount of time and I have had to spend a great deal of time concentrating on myself.

At first, the amount of time I spent working on helping my mind heal left me with very little emotional reserve to be able to handle my family’s emotional reactions and thoughts about my depression and suicide attempt.  Later on, I made a conscious decision to carefully skirt around those topics.  I was afraid to hear what they would say.

Although, I believe the time has come to finally hear my family’s thoughts, I am still afraid.  It is one thing to deal with your own pain, it is quite another to find out how your self-destructive actions impacted those you love.  At this time, both my mother and daughter have shared their thoughts with me, and they have generously given me permission to post what they said on my blog.  I will be posting what they said this week.

I would like to encourage everyone to take the time to read what they each have written.  I know it was not easy for either one of them to think about that time and I admire their courage in answering the questions I asked them.

Dear Blogging Friends,

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Dear Blogging Friends,

I enjoy each and everyone of you very much.  I wanted you to know that I do read your blogs and try to leave comments as often as I can.  I cannot read every person’s blog every day and still make time for my own blog and other things I need to do.  A lot of it has to do with how often I just doze off.  To make up for my lack of daily reading of your blogs, I try and set aside a whole day every week to get caught up in my blog reading and to leave comments.

If you have a special blog post you want me to look at before my weekly rounds to everyone’s blogs, please let me know.

Love to you all,

Melissa

Facing The Past – Part I

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Warning: Some parts of this post will be inappropriate for children to read

There are things in my past that I have yet to come to complete peace about. I am not sure why, but I just have not. My emotions are still fairly raw when it comes to them. I have wondered if that is because I have not really faced certain things. It has always seemed much easier to tuck them away in my mind.

I have decided that I need to face something in my past. My hope is that if I write about it, I can finally put it to rest. That way if something does trigger memories about it, I no longer feel my stomach tighten up with fear.

When I was in my early twenties, I dated a man many years older than I was. In the beginning things seemed great. He appeared to want nothing more than to take care of me and my son. I began to trust him. Shortly after we began dating, my son left to go to China with one of my mother’s friends, for his yearly summer visit. It was after my son left that this man and I were able to get to know each better. We could go on dates more frequently and spend more time with each other.

I got to know his two boys. Such nice little boys. His ex-wife though, she seemed so full of anger towards the man. I did not understand why she would be so angry with him. He was always good with me. I felt loved and taken care of by him. Even the jealousy he displayed about my speaking to other men, even work colleagues, seemed to come from a place of deep love.

Something began to change.  The jealousy reached a point where I know longer found it cute or funny.  It was scary, and sad.  There were times that I felt scared of him, although he had not done anything that caused me to fear him.  Well, except for the jealousy.  It was scary and odd enough, that I chose not to tell my family I was seeing him.

I remember one time, when I just wanted to be at home alone.  He kept calling me and calling me and I would not pick up the phone.  Eventually, it had stopped ringing and I had thought he had given up for the evening.  After a while, I discovered him creeping around the outside of my house peeking in the windows.  I was not sure if I should feel scared out of my mind or touched that he would feel that much concern about me.  I cannot believe how much my younger self let slide.

This man began to not let me out of his sight, except when I was working.  Even then, if he had a day off, he would drive by, without telling me, to see who I was going out to lunch with.  If I happened to go out with someone I worked with, who was a man, then when I got home I was accused of having had sex with him.  It was frustrating!  It never even crossed my mind to do something like that and yet he would be convinced that I had.  Even with the evidence in front of him that it had not happened, could not have happened, he still knew I had somehow managed to make it happen.  Yet, I stayed.  By this time though, I was not staying because I wanted to, I was staying because I was scared not to.

Humiliation.  The day to day humiliation of being with this man was something I had never experienced before.  He seemed so focused on the fact that I was having sex with other people, that he began to check and see if I had.  He would check my panties to find evidence of the deed and to my absolute embarrassment he would even check me.  I would be reduced to hysterical tears by what he was doing and at times I believe he was turned on by that.

Then he began to talk about marrying me.  The terror inside of me at that thought was like a living thing.  I was so desperate to not marry him, but I was so afraid of what would happen if I did not.

To be continued….

Counseling Appointment

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My counseling session on Monday went really well.  I really like it when that happens. It really makes me feel proud of myself when I hear my counselor tell me that she is really pleased with how far I have progressed since I have been seeing her.

I had a couple of things on my mind that I had wanted to discuss this week.  Medical issues were on my mind.  Right now, I think one of my biggest depressive episode triggers is when my physical health is not going the way I want it to.  Especially, when one thing after another happens, like what has gone on recently.

The other thing I wanted to discuss with my counselor was about me attending group therapy.  When I started seeing my counselor, she felt that I needed extremely intense therapy and I also had issues with being around people I did not know, so we agreed that at that time group therapy would not be appropriate for me.  I have been in counseling for about a year and half now, and recently I have been thinking that it might be time to try group therapy.

I have good social skills with my family and on the internet, but in real life I am not sure that I do.  Most of the people I have contact with in real life are my family, so it leads me to wonder how I would interact with others.  I brought my idea up to the counselor and she agreed that it was time I tried out a group therapy session.  What we decided to do was not officially sign me up for them just yet, but have me go to the group session that meets on Monday.  After that group session, I am to meet with her and tell her what I thought about it and decide if it is something I want to do again.

I am very excited by this.  I think the counselor is too.  It marks a huge step in my recovery process.  I am asking to be put into a situation that normally would make me very uncomfortable.  I am not sure if this is going to change how often I meet with her or not.  The center I go to is state run, and there are certain rules they have to follow.  However, when I initially began going there I qualified for all of the services offered due to the severity of my depression.

I feel so good and proud of myself right now.  I hope those feelings last for quite a while.

30 Things About My Invisible Illnesses You May Not Know

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1. The illnesses I live with are: Clinical/Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder

2. I was diagnosed with them in: May of 2009

3. But I  have had symptoms since: On and off for most of my life.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Learning how to take part in my own life again.

5. Many people assume:  Depression is simply being sad.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting over my “drug hangover”.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I do not watch medical shows anymore, most contain plot lines that I find depressing.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:  My computer

9. The hardest part about nights are:  Not sleeping well and lately I have been having really bad nightmares.

10. Each day I take 14 pills, at least 4 injections, and 4 puffs on inhaler.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: choose not to use herbs or herbal supplements, I am afraid they would not mix well with my medications.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I have both an invisible illness and several visible illnesses.  In my opinion, neither is a better one to have.

13. Regarding working and career:  I cannot work outside of the home due to the various illnesses I have.  I work hard to find ways to make money from home.

14. People would be surprised to know:  How much better I am compared to where I was this time last year and how much my daily medication routine affects me.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:  How my medications affect me.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:  Enjoy life again.

17. The commercials about my illness:  Make it seem easier than it really was for me at the worst of times.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:  Actually nothing.  I am doing more now than when I was diagnosed.  By the time I was diagnosed, I had almost quit functioning.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: My suicidal thoughts.  They had been such a constant, continuous thing for so long, that it was hard to get through a day without having them.  In some ways, they were the only reliable thing in my life.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Writing

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I do not know. I do not think I even know what normal is anymore.

22. My illness has taught me: To accept myself.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: The truth is, negative or unproductive comments from uneducated or closed minded people do not bother me.

24. But I love it when people: Encourage and support me as best they can.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I created my own personal motto…I will live my life fully, and experience everything. I will take care of myself. I will have fun, be crazy and be weird.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: I am there for them. It can get better.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The opportunities that have opened up for me.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Not to baby me, but let me know they were there when I needed them.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: It has become important to me to be an advocate for people with mental health issues. I am one of the lucky ones. I am able to function and have clarity and my therapy and medications seem to work for me right now. Not everyone with a mental health issue is able to achieve that kind of stability in a little over a year of treatment.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Proud. Like what I write about does make a difference.

You can find more posts from other people about their 30 things at Invisible Illness Week

My Double Standard

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Double Standard – One set of special rules for a favored group or person and a set of unfair rules for other groups or another person

The last year and half has been a time full of a great deal of change and internal inspection for me.  I discovered things about myself that I like immensely and I have discovered things about myself that I have been working hard to dispose of.  One of the things I have been working hard to get rid of, is my use of double standards.

For a great deal of my life I have had one set of rules for myself and another set for other people. Almost without fail, I applied the unfair rules to myself and the special (better) rules to other people. I would let someone speak or treat me inappropriately, and because I had to follow the unfair rules I would  not allow myself to tell them what they just did or said was inappropriate.  I would not set boundaries with them, and if it even crossed my mind to treat them like they treated me, it could be guaranteed that I would spend an extreme amount of effort beating myself up.

I felt that I was justified in the way I chose to use my double standard.  I did not feel as if I was equal to other people.  I felt less worthy.  So it made it okay to let them get away with what they were doing.  My double standard was so obvious to others, that even my son has felt that it was okay to treat me inappropriately and my rules allowed him to do it.

It became clear to me that if I was going to continue to progress in my journey towards mental wellness, that things were going to have to change.  I needed to get rid of my double standard and expect and demand to be treated in a respectful, and dignified manner.  This proved to be extremely difficult for me.  I still had a problem with self worth, and I still believed that I was not equal to other people.  Not to mention, to speak up to people I considered adults (even though I was one), especially ones that I considered authority figures was almost impossible.  To me it felt disrespectful to the authority figure if I made them aware of how they were treating and talking to me.

I started simply and even before I felt worthy of respect.  I set boundaries that were clear.  No one would talk to me or treat me inappropriately without me saying something about it.  It was an interesting thing.  Just by not using my double standard anymore, my self worth instantly grew a notch.  It was as if once I began treating myself as if I deserved dignity and respect, I began to believe I did.

I no longer feel as if I am going around with a sullen and sad expression on my face.  I no longer feel that I am not equal to other people.  I no longer feel as if I deserve to be treated by the unfair rules.  I speak up for myself, and people in my life treat me exactly as I want to be treated and how I treat them

Have you ever applied a double standard in your life?  Were you the one you applied the set of unfair rules to?  If so, why do you think you did that?

Thankful Five

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I realized that I forgot to do my Thankful Five last week. I really wish I had not. I was feeling very rotten and I believe if I had remembered, it would have perked me up. The good news is that I remembered this week. I will list ten things to be thankful for this week, to make up for the five I missed last week.

  • I am thankful my face healed up really fast after my face plant last week.
  • I am thankful that my MRSA infection is gone, now the spot has to finish healing.
  • I am thankful that the nurse at my psychiatric treatment center sent me to the ER, since it turned out that I was dehydrated.
  • I am thankful that my little daughter turned 14 on August 11th.
  • I am thankful for the enjoyable times I have spent with my parents over the last few weekends.
  • I am thankful I got to talk to a blogging friend on the phone today @anxiouskaley
  • I am thankful for coffee.
  • I am thankful for seeing my niece yesterday.
  • I am thankful that I can see my counselor tomorrow.
  • I am thankful that summer is getting closer to be over.

What are you thankful for?

Challenges

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“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are”

I always enjoy it when I read a blog post that inspires me to write. I enjoy it even more when that inspiring post is written by a blogger I have never “met” before.  Today I was inspired to write a post about my challenges in life and my reaction to them by a blog post written by Amy Steelman-Prueter titled Do Challenges Stop You?.

My life feels as if it can be seen from two different time lines, the beginning of each one represents a birth.  The time lines are named, Life Before Depression Treatment Begins (LBDTB), and Life After Depression Treatment Begins (LADTB).  My reactions to life challenges are different from one period of time to the next.

In the time period of Life Before Depression Treatment Begins, my reaction to challenges in my life was often to become paralyzed with fear, worry and anxiety.  I literally became unable to move and it almost felt as if I could not breathe.  I would let challenges stop me in my tracks.  Whenever I could, I would get my husband to deal with whatever was challenging me.  However, there were some that he could not take care of, so I would be left to face them myself.

The problem was, I would almost never actually face them.  My thought was that if I could ignore whatever was challenging me  long enough, it would eventually go away.  Can you see the problem with this line of thinking?

Because I was not dealing with a challenge head on it, my fear, worry and anxiety would increase drastically.  Building up negative thoughts about what I was facing to such a degree that the only outcome I could envision was one of disaster and mayhem.  It never quite sunk in that ignoring it is what usually caused the negative outcomes.  In addition, because I just sort of let things happen to me, instead of tackling things head on I felt as if no one really listened to me.

After I had been in the time of Life After Depression Treatment Begins for a while things began to slowly change.  In the beginning, the challenges I had to face were my daily struggle to not give into my suicidal thoughts again, going to therapy once a week, and trying to be there for my family.  As my mind became healthier, I was able to take on more challenges and began to see that by facing them, I was growing and changing as a person.  I no longer experienced paralyzing fear and worry when I was facing challenges, in fact I began to welcome them, seeing them as an opportunity to learn more about myself and to become a healthier person.

There are times when I still feel some anxiety when I am facing a challenge in my life.  I think that anxiety is born out of a fear that I might not know how to handle what I am facing.  However, I have learned the quickest way to get over that anxiety is to go ahead and face whatever it is that is in front of me.  After all, I do have the tools to overcome most challenges, and in cases where I do not, I have people in my life who can help me.

There has been a wonderful side effect to being proactive in the face of a life challenge.  I feel stronger and healthier.  Every challenge that I successfully overcome causes me to feel more empowered and also creates an aura of self-confidence that I do not remember experiencing during the time of Life Before Depression Treatment Begins.

What about you?  Do you tackle challenges head on, or do you allow them to stop you?  Are you like me and have experienced a time where you let them stop you, but you changed how you reacted to life challenges at some point?

Family Reunion

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Yesterday was time for the yearly family reunion for my grandfather’s side of the family.  Although my grandfather passed away many years ago, I still find it odd to go to that family reunion and not see him there.  He grew up in a family that was large, so there are times when we go to these reunions and the place is packed.

I have to admit, going to these reunions is not something I enjoy a whole lot, I go mostly because it means a great deal to my grandmother.  The family is rather large and we moved a lot when I was growing up, so as a result I really do not know many people when I go.  Also, due to the amount of people at times, it has been known to cause me a great deal of anxiety.  Yesterday’s reunion was different though.  I enjoyed myself.  Nothing has changed about the reunions, I think I enjoyed it more because my own thinking has changed.

Here are some pictures from the reunion I wanted to share with ya’ll.

Observations About My Husband

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In the past, I have blogged about how hard my mental illness has been on my husband. I went from being his partner to being a blob, who could barely take care of herself, much less provide him any support.  After many months of therapy, I am his partner again.  However, my role as his partner is different than it was before, and it has taken him some time to get used to who I am now.

Since I am not so focused on myself anymore, I have noticed that he has changed a great deal in the last year and half that I have been getting help for my depression.  Here are a few things that I have observed about him.

  • He is much more patient than he used to be.
  • He understands how much loud noises bother me and make me anxious. He is talking softer, so his voice does not bother me.  If he is doing work around the house, he will ask if it is ok to use a power tool and then warn me before he starts it up.
  • He enjoys cooking. When I married him the only thing he could cook was microwave popcorn.  The other day he shared with me that he now enjoys cooking and making up his own recipes.
  • He is extremely supportive when I am having a bad mental health day. Before I was being treated with depression, everyday was a bad mental health day.  He would get irritated because he did not know or understand why I was having such a hard time.  However, now that he has a greater understanding about what is going on, he no longer gets irritated.  Now when I have a bad mental health day he is very gentle with me, and understands that I am doing the best that I can.
  • He listens better. It has been a struggle for me to get him to really hear me, however, he is now putting a great deal of effort into listening to me.