Monthly Archives: January 2010

Saturday 9: When We Was Fab

Posted on by
Reply


1. Is there a blog as far as its appearance goes that you think is the most fabulous?  

I am not sure why, but I like this one the best.  It is simple but eye catching I think.  Conversations With Moms

2. Do you like the look and the contents of your blogs?  

I do for now, who knows about tomorrow.  I have this habit of redesigning my blog every few days.  I know this can be confusing for readers, so I will resist the urge to redecorate my blog for as long as possible

3. Have you ever thought what would happen to your blog in case you died?  

No, but I will now.  In fact I will probably obsess about it. 

4. Has any particular blogger had a great impact on how you set up and write your blog?

Not any one particular blogger.  I get my inspiration for my site set up from several different sources.  Even from sites where I do not like how someone’s blog is set up.  They are all valuable resources to me. 

5. Would you want a fellow blogger to give you suggestions or criticism of what you write?

Yes and no.  Yes because I want to make the blog as good as I possibly can.  No, because I hate to hear when I am not doing a good job, even though I know it is a good thing.

I have thought about asking someone’s opinion about my blog, its layout and how I write.  I have not decided on anyone yet.  I am afraid a friend would be nice and tell me what they know I would like to hear, and I am not sure if a stranger would want or have the time to look it over.

6. Is the number of visitors each day to your blog important to you?

I have to admit that yes, the number of visitors each day is important to me.  I view it as whether or not I have done a good job writing.  The more visitors means the better job I did on the blog. 

7. What percentage of your readers do you think actual comment?

Maybe 2%.  I guess the topics I usually write about are not easy to comment on.

8. Do you have a favorite blogger who does the memes that you participate in?




9. How often do you update your blog/site and why?

I attempt to update it every day.  Sometimes I am not successful.  When I am having a bad mental health day, or if I am in the hospital, I simply cannot.  


There are two reasons I attempt to update my blog every day.  One, I enjoy it.  I really enjoy writing in my blog.  I still have some trouble managing my emotions, and the blog has become a way that I can release those emotions in a productive manner.  Two, I am a planner.  When I decided to start blogging, I researched the best way to get people to read your blog.  Every site I read with tips on how to best get traffic to your site, suggested frequent/daily updates so your blog topics are fresh.

Picture of the Day – January 16th, 2010

Posted on by
Reply
The last few years of having a mom who was “checked out” due to severe depression has been hard on my daughter, Anna.  In an effort to try and rebuild that relationship and because she really enjoys taking pictures, she was given a page in my blog to show off her pictures.  All the pictures you will see in this section, will have been taken by my daughter.  I personally think she does an awesome job.

Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know.

Photobucket

Depression And Anger – Two Sides Of The Same Coin

Posted on by
Reply

PhotobucketPhotobucket

As my depression grew so did my anger.  I was furious with the world.  I saw it as unfair, unjust, and stupid. I never ran out of things to be angry about.  I was frustrated by everything.

It was anger that I had suppressed,  repressed, inhibited, and kept internalized for many years. I wallowed in it.  It fueled my depression.  I used it to pass my emotional pain onto others. 

The anger gave me an immediate sense of purpose, a weird and sick sort of motivation.  As depressed as I was I needed motivation, but I did not need what the anger gave me.  It created a cycle of rage and defeatism in me.



The people I took this anger out on were the  people who were closest to me.  I would say things that I knew were wrong and inappropriate, but I could not help myself.

When I was not angry with other people, I was very angry with myself.  It often led to very self destructive behaviors.  That in turn led to more depression and anger.

People who have never had to deal with severe/major depression, have a hard time understanding how anger could be a symptom of depression.  After all, when most people think of depression, they think of someone being very sad all the time.  However, inappropriate anger is a symptom of depression, it is just not as well known as the other symptoms of major depression are.  


My anger continued after I started getting treatment for my depression.  It only ended when I realized that some of the things I was most angry about, were some of the very same things that were making me so depressed.

I was frustrated and angry and depressed, in part,  because I felt I had no voice.  I felt that people took advantage of me, or spoke to me in ways they should not have, or made decisions without my input.   I know all I had to do was to speak up and let them know what I thought about things or how they were treating me, but that was an impossibility for me.  

As a child, I was not taught that I had a voice.  I was not taught that I was an equal to anyone.  I was not taught that my opinions and choices were as valuable as anyone’s.  So not speaking about what was on my mind became a habit.  Then I would become angry about what was going on, and how I had no say so in what was going on.  


Once I started to realize how my depression and anger were really just two sides of the same coin, I became ready to start finding my own voice.  I started off slowly.  Putting up a few boundaries here and there.  As I built up confidence I became firmer in my boundary setting, letting other people know my opinion about things, and insisting that I have input into certain decisions.


The more confidence I built up in my own voice, the more my anger went away.  There were things that I had been angry about that I felt for sure I was going to have to tackle head on to bring some closure to them.  I learned that I did not have to do that with everything I was angry about.  Once I learned a better way to deal with things now, it was as if my anger about past wrongs evaporated.  


For now, for today, I am not angry.  For now, for today, I do not get as angry and rage about things as I used to.  For now, for today, I have peace, and a positive outlook on my life.

Sleeping Like A Baby

Posted on by
Reply

ConversationsWithMoms:Every day Conversations with a Mom Blog

I get very frustrated with this habit I have of just falling asleep, especially when it happens while I am blogging.  I know it happens because of my medications.  However, it is still frustrating.  I can be full of ideas of what to put on my blog, writing along with speed and smoothly, and the next thing I know I am waking up.  It always derails my thought processes and seems to take me so long to get back into the groove of things.  I need to learn to not let this frustrate me.  

On a funny note, my daughter has a habit of taking pictures of me when I do that.

Photobucket

Picture of the Day – January 15th, 2010

Posted on by
Reply
The last few years of having a mom who was “checked out” due to severe depression has been hard on my daughter, Anna.  In an effort to try and rebuild that relationship and because she really enjoys taking pictures, she was given a page in my blog to show off her pictures.  All the pictures you will see in this section, will have been taken by my daughter.  I personally think she does an awesome job.


Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know.
Photobucket
Anna’s Dad wearing her hat and taking a nap

Ten Things That Helped With My Anxiety

Posted on by
Reply

Photobucket

My anxiety used to be very bad.  I would wake up every morning with a knot in my stomach, knowing something horrible would happen.  At its worse, I could barely leave my house.  If I could manage to leave my house then I could not leave a certain square mile area.  If any attempt was made to take me out of my safe area, then I would have a panic attack.  I even went so far as to arrange it so I did not leave my house for six months.  My imagination would also cause panic attacks.  I could imagine the most horrible things, and for me they would feel real.  

Everyday for me was a nightmare really.  My anxiety invaded every part of my life.  It clouded how I perceived reality.  

Once we finally found a set of medications that worked for me and I had been taking them for a while, and I had been in counseling for a while, I did start noticing that I had less anxiety.  I could leave the house more often, I still had to stay in the safe area.  I worried less.  I felt less tense.


I quit worrying about my anxiety.  It was not in the forefront of my mind all the time anymore.  One day when my mother and I were out to lunch together, I suddenly realized that I was outside of my safe area and I was experiencing no anxiety. 

I started taking stock of things.  It dawned on me that for the first time in years, I was relaxed.  The yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach was gone.  Even that horrible habit I had of imagining myself into a panic attack was gone.  The only symptom I have left is that I still startle easily.

Between my medications, and my counseling I have achieved a state peace that most likely I have never experienced in my life.  It feels good.


I want to say that, in my opinion, there is hope for people who have a debilitating anxiety disorder.  I know that it will take some people longer than it took me to get to a less anxious place, and it will take some people a shorter amount of time. It will not be easy, and having to go outside comfort zones will be important. 

Here is a list of things that has been working for me, when trying to get in control of my anxiety disorder.
 

1.  Being patient with yourself is very important when you are trying to recover from an anxiety disorder.  Recovering from an anxiety disorder is a long process, do not add to your anxiety by being impatient with yourself.  


2.  Take one day at a time.  Do not think about how you are going to deal with the tomorrow, just concern yourself with getting through today.  

3.  Do not be hard on yourself when you have a set back.  We are all going to have set backs.  I like to think of setbacks as just a little extra practice.  

4.  Keep or find a sense of humor, you will need it.  Remember laughter is good medicine.

5.  Frequently take big deep breaths in and then slowly let it out.  Believe it or not it does help.  It is like giving yourself a pause before you deal with something.

6.  Be up front with your family and friends about the things that trigger your anxiety.  Loud voices, crowds, and coming up behind me are just some of the triggers I have that will lead to me either having a panic attack or make me feel anxious.  

7.  Even if you are feeling better, take any anxiety medication you are prescribed and go to counseling.  One of the things the counselor can do for you is give you tools and help you find solutions to dealing with your anxiety disorder.

8.  Do not have unrealistic expectations for yourself.  I used to think that I would reach a point where I never having any anxiety symptoms again.  Now, I understand that in some areas I will probably always have some anxiety, however, I will know how to cope with it better.

9.  If one of the ways you experience anxiety is through excessive worrying, then set aside a couple of times a day where you are allowed to worry.  The rest of the time, no worrying is allowed.  I know this sounds weird but it was a home work assignment given to me by my counselor and it works.  I am allowed two times a day to worry.  In the morning and in the afternoon (not close to bedtime though) I am allowed to worry about anything I want.  It gets the worry out, but then does not allow it to take over your mind and day.

10. If you find your anxiety is overwhelming you, call your counselor.  If your counselor is not available call a family member, call a friend, call someone that can help calm you down and deal with your anxiety until you can talk to your counselor. 

I Like Pajamas

Posted on by
Reply

Thursday Thirteen

My List of thirteen this week is Thirteen Things I Like About Pajamas

Photobucket
1.  Pajamas are warm.


2.  Pajamas are comfortable.


3.  Pajamas are comforting.


4.  Pajamas are fun to wear.


5.  Pajamas make me feel good.

6.  Pajamas are fun to wear with friends.

7.  Pajamas are relaxing.
Photobucket

8.  Pajamas come in all kinds of different styles.

9.  Pajamas are nice to have in the hospital, instead of the hospital’s gowns.
Photobucket

10.  Pajamas  are my favorite thing to wear.

11.  Pajamas, especially new ones, make me feel happy.

12.  Pajamas’ tops and bottoms do not have to match.

13.  Pajamas look good on everybody.Photobucket

Picture of the Day – January 14th, 2010

Posted on by
Reply
The last few years of having a mom who was “checked out” due to severe depression has been hard on my daughter, Anna.  In an effort to try and rebuild that relationship and because she really enjoys taking pictures, she was given a page in my blog to show off her pictures.  All the pictures you will see in this section, will have been taken by my daughter.  I personally think she does an awesome job.


Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know.
Photobucket
Snow covered ground

Diabetes And Me

Posted on by
Reply

PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket

I am an insulin dependent diabetic.  What that means is that, among other things, I have to give myself insulin injections on a daily basis. 

One of the things I quickly learned after I was diagnosed with diabetes is that there is math involved in managing your diabetes.  The ironic thing is, I really dislike math, and now I am stuck having to do it every day, several times a day.  I keep thinking of all those math teachers who said I would use a specific type of math one day, and how I blew off what they said.   The teachers in my head are now saying “I told you so”. 

My day starts off with a stick in the finger.  Before coffee, before breakfast, before anything else I have to get some blood out of my finger and test it to see how high my blood sugar is.  I do not care how many 1000’s of times I have stuck myself in the finger, it still hurts.  A lot of times it hurts more than my insulin injections do.  


If everything, insulin, medications, and meal planning, worked out the way they were supposed to, my blood sugar in the mornings is around 110.  That is a good number for me.  Not to low, not to high, right on target for what I need to achieve.  


I am always so darn hungry in the mornings.  The whole time I am checking my blood sugar, my tummy is growling.  Some mornings it is so difficult to resist the temptation of going ahead and eating breakfast before I check my blood sugar.  The worst mornings are when I have not slept well and I wake up around three or four. 

After I check my blood sugar, I can go about the business of making coffee and breakfast.  I have to carefully account for every bit of food that I am going to put in my mouth.  It has to all balance out so that I am only taking in a certain amount of sugar and carbohydrates.  Breakfast has become my favorite meal of the day, because I can eat more then than at any other time.  What I usually do is combine my breakfast and my morning snack allowances into one meal.  I do this for no other reason but to have a bigger breakfast.  I told you I was hungry in the mornings.  Maybe I should have said that I was very hungry in the mornings.  

Before I can eat, I have to give myself a small insulin injection.  Usually about three units of insulin.  I have to do this because my depression medications have a tendency to raise my blood sugar slightly.  After the injection, the chow down can commence.  

After I eat breakfast I am already thinking about what I can have for lunch, planning it out in my head.  You can tell from my profile picture that I am a person who enjoys food.  I really enjoy food.  I like cooking, I like planning menus, I just enjoy everything that has to do with food.  One thing I have noticed though, is that ever since I have been diagnosed with diabetes I seem to focus on food even more than I used to.  Maybe it is because I have to spend so much time every day planning what I eat out, or because I have to always be so aware of everything that I put in my mouth, or because as much as I still enjoy food there is a part of me that views food as the enemy. 

After breakfast I have to take care of my feet.  Because a diabetic does not have the best circulation, their feet have to be taken care of extremely well.   One little injury has the potential to become infected very quickly and can result in the foot and/or leg being amputated.  So every day I have to check my feet for any injuries and put lotion on them.  One of my favorite things to do was to go barefoot everywhere.  I cannot do that anymore.  Too much of a risk.  

The lunch process is similar to the breakfast routine.  Once again, the dreaded finger stick.  Ugh!  I am so tired of having to inflict pain on myself several times a day.   There are some days I put off eating lunch as long as possible so I do not have to go through the whole finger stick thing right away.  


I won’t bore you with the whole procedure, injection, stuffing my face, already thinking about my afternoon snack and supper, more finger sticks at supper and another injection.  


Before I go to bed every night I have to give myself yet another injection.  This one is of a long lasting insulin and the dose is rather large.  Of all the shots this is the one I really dislike.  Because of the amount of insulin I have to inject, this one tends to sting.  Sometimes, a bubble of insulin will develop and I have to be very careful, and not let any insulin come back out.  


The next morning the whole thing starts over again.


I get so tired of it all sometimes.  I get tired of the finger sticks, I get tired of the injections, I get tired of all the things I have to remember to manage my diabetes.  It is a very tedious disease.  Always so much to do with it, always having to think about it, everyday the same thing, needles, needles needles.  Sometimes I think about just not doing it anymore.  

Before I started getting help with my depression, and I really did not care about living any more, there were many days when I did not do any of the things I needed to do to take care of my diabetes.  Now that I have a better mind set, I do not skip my injections, or my finger sticks, no matter how tired I get of the whole thing.  I have a family that cares about me and I care about them, I want to live, so I do what I am supposed to do, needles and all.


The pictures at the top, from left to right
glucose meter (one of the types I have), insulin pen (same type as I use), needles for insulin pens (similar to what I use)

The Simple Woman's Daybook – January 13, 2010

Posted on by
Reply

~The Simple Woman’s Daybook~

Would you like to linger on the simple things…then join me and many others in taking a little look into the day plans and thoughts of those who are focusing on simplicity…beauty of the ‘everyday moments’.

For Today…January 13, 2010

Outside my window…what is left of the snow and ice
 
I am thinking…that I am going to work hard to make this a good day
I am thankful for…today
 
From the kitchen…recently emptied coffee pot, dishes from breakfast
 
I am wearing…pj’s with warm wooly socks, snuggled underneath blankets.
 
I am creating…my blog, and The Skippin Ninja
 
I am going…no where today
 
I am reading…mostly websites and blogs right now
 
I am hoping…that today is a good day
 
I am hearing…the fire crackling
 
Around the house…it is quiet, it is my favorite part of the day.  My husband is off to work and my daughter and the dogs are still sleeping.
 
One of my favorite things…is working on my blog
 
A few plans for the rest of the week…I generally do not think beyond the current day.  I am in depression recovery and it is best for me to do that.  However, there are one or two things planned for this week.  I see my counselor and my psychiatrist tomorrow.  I get to pick up a years worth of free depression medications tomorrow.
 
Here is picture for thought I am sharing…
A picture of me since I am new to The Simple Woman’s Daybook