Category Archives: Mental Health

Thoughts While Driving

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I spent a lot of time alone – driving – yesterday. Even though there were times when I encountered a great deal of traffic, I found all that time by myself – in the car – very relaxing. With no one to distract me, I was able to spend a great deal of time thinking about various random – and not so random – things. Sometime during the day, I pulled out my flip camera, and used it to record all the thoughts I had. I ended up spending most of the drive home talking to myself – out loud. I am sure I must have looked rather odd to the other drivers on the road.

To give ya’ll a glimpse of what it is like in my head, I decided to share parts of what I recorded. Enjoy!

Day 4 – Blog Journal Entry

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For today’s journal entry I am supposed to post a picture of me from a couple of years ago. I am having a problem doing that. Two years ago I was still in my major depressive episode, and I do not think I let anyone take pictures of me. If anyone did manage to get a picture of me, I am sure it would have shown how sad I was feeling. I have decided to show an older – but happier – picture of me.

This was taken when I was about 23. I was visiting my parents – who were living in China. We had taken a trip into Hong Kong and had eaten at a fairly famous restaurant called Jumbo. The restaurant was huge, and on a boat in the Hong Kong harbor.

A Blast From My Past

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While I was in the shower this morning/afternoon, my daughter looked through my box of pictures. I guess she found a few things that caught her interest, because when I got back to my room, she looked at me and said “You never told me you were a writer.” Evidently, she had found a folder that contained some of the essays I wrote when I was in college. When I looked through the folder, I found the essay book that the professor had given us during the first class. It contains a very short, hand written essay – written by me – in it.

It was such a cute, and slightly funny piece of writing, that I read it out loud to my mother and daughter – including the notes the professor had written on it. After reading it to them, I decided that it might be fun to share part of my past here.

At that time in my life I was married, but separated from my first husband, and I had a seven month old baby boy. I was living in Phoenix, Arizona with my parents. My husband was in the Navy, which meant I had access to Luke Air Force Base. I had already spent a few months in a community college system in the area, and found out that they offered accelerated classes on the base.  I decided to take my English 101 class there. What follows is my first essay for that class, completed on the first night of class.


Human Sexuality

written August 13th, 1990

As usual, I am rushing around trying to get ready at the last minute. Finally, I got in my car and began speeding toward my destination – my first class in English 101. I am lucky to find a parking space up front. I proceed to park and run into the building to catch the elevator. So of course, since I am in a hurry, the elevator takes its own sweet time to arrive (teacher note: I think it was meant for a mortuary, not a combat support group)

When I finally manage to get to the correct floor, I stand in amazement at the various hallways I have to dash through to get to class on time. I repeat the room numbers to myself, safe in the knowledge it was close by. Finally, I have reached what appears to be my class. I walk swiftly to the back, pleased I arrived before the teacher. I sit down and start to relax. Then I notice, no one has the book I have. Surely, they can’t all have the wrong book. A dreadful thought appeared in my head. I could be in the wrong room. Tentatively, I asked someone what class I was in. Human Sexuality was the answer I received. Oh no! I was aiming for an English Class and ended up in a Human Sexuality Class! (teacher note: No Comment.)

Eventually to my relief I found my English Class. Of course, all my embarrassment could have been avoided if I wouldn’t always wait to the last minute to get ready to go anywhere.

(teacher note: Good start – This is a sprightly bit of writing and demonstrates good language skills, a sense of humor, and the ability to achieve in spite of pressure – perhaps a bit wordy, but on formal weekly essays you’s have time to revise.)

He gave me a B

Thankful Five

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I have not done a Thankful Five in a while. I let life overwhelm me and forgot about them. Seeing as how the Thankful Five was supposed to help me through rough times, it was probably not the best thing in the world that I forgot about doing them. I think starting them back up again will help me maintain a positive attitude during this time of high stress.

1. I am thankful for my family – they have shown me an enormous amount of support.

2. I am thankful to have a place to lay down my head at night.

3. I am thankful for being able to express my emotions in a healthy way.

4. I am thankful for dropping a whole pant size.

6. I am thankful for the snuggles with my dog.

Heart Breaking

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The last couple of weeks – at home – have been some of the worst I have ever experienced. I believe my marriage is over. I do not want it to be. I want to fight for it. Unfortunately, I do not believe my husband wants to. In fact, I think that for at least the last six to nine months, he has been looking for a reason to justify divorcing me. He got his reason last weekend.

My husband got angry with me for something, and I was very flippant in my response to him. My reaction made his anger worse and he asked me to not come home. Being very upset by being told not to come home, I went and talked with my parents about the situation. My father was very worried for me (he wanted to see me and my husband work things out) and called my husband. In his conversation, many things were said. The long and short of it, is my father was trying to explain to my husband that all of this pressure and degrading talk towards me, was not acceptable. My husband reacted badly. Extremely badly. In his anger, he said and did things that are painful to hear and painful to talk about.

In many ways my husband is a good man. He took on a child that was not his, adopted him, and provided all kinds of financial support for him. He loves our daughter very much. He has worked hard throughout our marriage to take care of all of us. He did not leave when I attempted suicide, and stuck it out when I was placed in a psychiatric hospital. However, just like all of us, he has a couple of bad habits. He is a very controlling person, and to be blunt, verbally abusive.

He is not the only one who has done things they should not. I have as well. I have said many things I should not have, and done many things I should not have. When I was severely depressed, I checked out of the family. I did not do much of anything around the house. I was not a good wife or mother. My lack of motivation did create more work for my husband. I also put up with the verbal abuse and controlling behavior for most of our marriage, making it easier for him to behave badly and for it to become a habit for him.

I could rehash every single not nice thing he has ever said to me, but I am not going to. I think sometimes when we rehash stuff over and over, we keep those emotions raw and it prevents us from moving forward. There are a few phrases that he has recently said that I think sum up his frame of mind perfectly.

  • Don’t come home.
  • I only say the mean things I do, to motivate you.
  • I know I am harsh on you but I do it because I worry about you.

Despite all of that, I do love him. I would be more than willing to stay with him, if he was ready and willing to start and stick with some individual and couples counseling. Unfortunately, at this time, he has no desire to do so. Which means, I have to make decisions that will preserve all the progress I have made toward being mentally healthy.

The hardest, most difficult thing about all of this is the effect it is having on my beautiful daughter. She is very much a daddy’s girl, however, she has acknowledged – on her own – that her daddy is “verbally abusive” to me, but “at least he does not hurt” me. She does not want to be separated from her daddy, so with my heart breaking, I have decided that at this time, it is in her best interest to stay with him. Right now I am at my parent’s house – she is with me – if at the end of the week she still wants to go home, I will let her. I can see nothing good coming out of forcing her to stay here, stressing her out, and having her cry all the time.

He has been saying things that he should not have to her about me. I cannot stop that, but I will not participate in parent bashing. My hope is that she will see that even though he is saying awful things to her about me, that I have not done the same. I have been truthful with her, shared my concerns about her emotional and mental well being, told her how much I love her, and brought her here with me so she has some time away from that stress. I have also prayed, and prayed that one day her eyes will be opened to the whole truth.

To hear your daughter sob uncontrollably, and know that you – her mother – and her father are responsible for it, is the worst feeling in the world. I want to take all of her pain away, fix things, and for us to be a happy family. I hate knowing how this whole thing is tearing her apart inside. It makes my heart ache at the thought of me and her living apart from each other. Despite all of that, I know that I also have to choose being mentally and emotionally healthy. It not only makes me a better person, but it also makes me a better parent.

The Last Day

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Today is my last day at my parent’s house. The time spent here has been good for my mental and emotional health. Before I came down here, things had been very tense in my house. My husband and I were getting on each other’s nerves, and both of us were very stressed out. The breathing room that we gained by me being here has allowed both of us to take some time for ourselves. It has also been good for my daughter. Not only have we had a great deal of time together, it has also allowed me to set some boundaries with her. Boundaries with consequences if she does not respect them.

Part of me is glad to be going home. I do miss my own home, and husband. I also have a few things I need to take care of there. However, there is a part of me that is kind of sad to see things come to end. I am not stressed out here, like I am at home. The yucky tension between my husband and myself does not exist here. Even my daughter is being better behaved – it has been much easier for me to set boundaries with her. I really do not want to go back home and enter that world of tension and stress again.

It has not been an extended vacation here. I have been busy, and there have been some days where I worked like crazy. I enjoyed it though. The reason I enjoyed it so much is that no one acted has if it had to be done in a perfect way, nor on any time line but my own. My efforts and work were appreciated, and I did not feel as if whatever I did was not “good enough”. I often feel that way at home.

One of the best feelings I have experienced while I have been here has been LOVE. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that – even at my age – my parents love me very much and I am very important to them. Spending time just talking with my mom and dad has bee nice. One of my favorite parts of every day has been sitting in a chair in my mother’s “sitting room” and just talking to her.

I will be back again in a few weeks. My mother is having another surgery at the end of December and I want to spend some more time with my daughter in law. Since we know what to expect – as far as recovery goes – from my mom’s surgeries now, it will be easier to help her. We will all have a realistic idea of what she will and will not be able to do. It is only about 10 weeks until my granddaughter is due. Since Krystal – daughter in law – has no family out here, I want to make sure I am available to provide her with all the moral support I can. Neither my son, nor her mother will be able to be here when the baby is born, so I have offered to stand in and help her in any way I can.

I have taken a few pictures during my time here. I decided to share some of them with you. Each one represents a good memory.

Freaky Friday Follow

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It is time for another Freaky Friday Follow! Here are the rules:
Follow both hosts (we are in spots 1 & 2)-Leave a comment so we can return the follow
Answer the questions
Grab the button
Come back and link up
This week there is only one question:
1-List 6 things you are thankful for!

  1. My mother – she is a remarkable person, and I just love her.
  2. My father – he stayed up past his bedtime, so he could take me to the Emergency Room Monday.
  3. My Daughter In Law – Not only has it been nice to get to know her, she has made me feel as if I am a valuable part of her life.
  4. Hard lessons learned – without them I would not have grown up.
  5. Breathing – My breathing is getting better.
  6. Good memories – I have loved sharing good family members with my daughter in law.

National Survivors of Suicide Day

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Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day. It is a day of healing, and remembrance for those who have lost a loved one to suicide. The survivor community comes together – every year – on the Saturday before Thanksgiving for support, healing, information and empowerment. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention organizes conferences, online events and other activities to take place on this day. You can find more information about the conferences and online events AFSP has organized here 12th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day.

On a more personal note…It has been a year and half since I tried to kill myself. When I attempted to take my own life, I was so sad, hopeless and miserable. I really believed that death was my only option. It has been the struggle of a lifetime to change my thinking, and believe that I am worthy of having hope, happiness, and life. For many months after my attempt, I was angry that I had not died. Now, I am thankful that I am alive.

My choice to die has been hard on my family. It has taken them a great deal of time to come to terms with the fact that someone they loved, did not want to live anymore. Several months ago, I asked my mother and daughter a series of questions about their thoughts and feelings when they found out that I had tried to kill myself. I felt it was important for me to know what they had gone through, and also share it with other people who might be thinking about suicide. Even though we feel as if we are alone, we are not. Our desire to die – and the actions we take to make it happen – has a real and devastating affect on our families, friends, and anyone who cares about us.

Here are the links to my mother’s and daughter’s interviews about my suicide attempt, and depression.

My Daughter Speaks Out

My Mother’s Point of View

Day 3 – Blog Journal

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In today’s Blog Journal entry I was supposed to describe my idea of a perfect date. That would have required more effort than I felt like putting into a journal entry. So, I went in an entirely different direction.

This morning – when I woke up – I was greeted by something that I found extremely funny. It was ME! I even took a picture. You get to see me in all my morning glory, bad bed hair, no make up, and pajamas. Enjoy!