Diabetes is a numbers disease.  By that I mean everything to do with control and treatment revolves around a number.  The patient has their numbers, the doctor has his own numbers, and some how these numbers are supposed to give us answers.  Sometimes the number in the answer indicates that everything is running smoothly other times it tells us that we need to modify our treatment.  There are even numbers for what we eat. 

I have never found numbers or math to be all that interesting.  In fact, to be quite honest about it, numbers bore me.  I hated learning math in school, and I especially hated it when a teacher would tell me that “someday” I would have a use for those math formulas.  It never dawned on me that one day my life would revolve around numbers, like it does now.  It seems as if every math teacher I have ever had is getting their revenge for me having slept through their class.

 I spent years of my life avoiding the use of numbers in any form.  The most difficult thing I used numbers for was to keep a running total of how much I had spent at the grocery store.  That was exhausting enough.  Now I have to deal with numbers even before I have my first cup of coffee.  I have tried concentrating on them while I am half asleep, but since obtaining those morning numbers involves a finger stick, blood and a glucose meter it is not the most effective way to obtain the number I need. Not to mention, I seem to mess up more when I try and get a blood sample from my finger when I only have one eye open.    I keep trying though, my hope is to one day master the technique of half asleep number gathering.

Every time I get my morning number, I have to analyze it.  It is a simple procedure, but without the benefit of a cup of coffee and being half asleep, it becomes  rather complicated.  I have to attempt to open both eyes, realize I still cannot see it because I have forgotten to put my glasses on, spend several minutes looking for my glasses, and then finally I can see the number in the glucose meter.  Once I can read the number, I can analyze it and determine if I need any insulin and how much.   If I do need insulin, I am then forced to do a math formula to determine how much I need.  Still being half asleep, the formula is much more than my poor brain can take first thing in the day.  I often have to do the computing four or five times before I come up with the correct answer.

Once I have the correct number of insulin units, I load a syringe with it, give myself a shot and move on to my next morning numbers, otherwise known as breakfast.  These numbers can be rather complicated.  I have to look at the total carbohydrates and sugars of what I want to eat.  Then I have to decide how much I want of each thing, then add up the total carbohydrates and sugars and makes sure it does not go over the amount I am allowed to have for breakfast.  This became too difficult to do first thing in the day so I came up with a way to get the correct number with no math involved.  I fix the same thing every morning, a serving size amount of an egg substitute, two turkey sausage links, and a serving size bowl of cherries.   

 The rest of my day is filled with numbers as well. Everyday, all day long, numbers for food, numbers for insulin, and numbers for glucose.  It seems to me that living with diabetes is all about the numbers.  Yes, it is definitely revenge from all those math teachers I wronged by sleeping through their classes.

It is another rainy day here.  This time though there is a definite chill in the air. We are moving into fall.  These are the days when I just want to snuggle up in a blanket and read, or sleep.  Instead of a regular blanket, today I a using my snuggie.  Snuggies are these wonderful blankets with arms.  That way you can stay all nice in warm in a blanket and still use your hands to read, type, or anything else and your arms still stay covered.  Relaxing in a blanket cannot get better than a snuggie in my opinion.

In the past, when my depression was out of control, a rainy day like this would make me even more depressed.  I did not enjoy it, I could not see any beauty to it, mostly it just seemed as if the world outside was matching my world inside.  Dark, cloudy, and Sad.

It is nice too look outside and see the beauty in the rain.

The medical reform stuff still has been on my mind.  It seems that at least an overview of it has been approved. Included in that though is a cut in medicare, that is the current health plan for elderly people, and no cost of living increase for people on social security.  While I am too young to be affected by either one of those, it does worry me for my grandmother.  It is already very hard for her to make ends meet.

Minnie all dressed up

Anna’s cat Lilly

I have been baking!  Oh how I love baking!  I used to bake all the time.  Chocolate pound cake, pies, sweet breads, shortbread, anything I could think of I would bake.  It has been such a long time since I felt like baking.  Baking takes effort, and before I started getting treated for the depression, effort for anything, much less baking, was something I did not have.  Just the thought of reading the recipe, mixing the ingredients, putting the mixed ingredients in the proper pan and then the clean up of it all seemed like too much work to me. 

I think I would have to say that this week has been better than previous weeks.  I have had a better attitude, more energy, and been less worried than even just a week ago.  I am enjoying the fact that I continue to improve.  These good days, these easy days, give me something to draw from when I have bad days.

I had not heard from my son in months.  In the past, when I would think about it, I would start crying and cry for most of the day.  I miss him being around.  Over the weekend, to myself, I acknowledged that I still missed him but it was easier to deal with now, and the fact that he had not called did not bother me anymore.  I even told myself that if he ever did call, I would enjoy it while I was talking to him, and not give a thought about all the times I  had not.  I believe I had finally come to peace with him being gone and not talking to me.  Out of the blue Monday, my son called me.  This gave me an opportunity to put into effect the new attitude I wanted to have when I talked to him.  It worked!  It was such a pleasant conversation.  I got to hear a lot about him, and how he was doing and I think because I had a much more positive attitude on the phone, he did as well.  When we hung up he said he would all again soon.  If he does, that would be wonderful, if he does not then I am OK with that.  I am just going to treasure the good stuff and dump the rest.

Because I have such a hard time keeping a positive attitude, I wanted to set a section of my blog aside where everyday I can point out something that is positive about a person, a thing, or situation.  This exercise is forcing me to be more of a glass is half full kind of person, and helping me maintain a positive attitude.

I treasure the smell of banana nut bread.  It fills up the whole house with a comforting smell.  To me it is a relaxing smell.  I cannot feel stressed or worried when I have some banana nut bread in the oven and I smell its wonderful aroma.  Maybe banana nut bread and its aroma are the cure for depression and anxiety?

Because I have such a hard time keeping a positive attitude, I wanted to set a section of my blog aside where everyday I can point out something that is positive about a person, a thing, or situation.  This exercise is forcing me to be more of a glass is half full kind of person, and helping me maintain a positive attitude

We have sunshine today.  It has been raining so much here lately that seeing the sun out so brightly, this time of day is unusual.  I believe it is supposed to start raining again towards the end of the week.  The funny thing is, October is supposed to be the driest Month in Georgia.  So far it has not been that way.  I guess that means our drought has ended.  

Even though my breathing is not where it is supposed to be today, I am not in a bad mood, nor do I feel as bad as I have been known to feeling when my breathing is not right.

I am still very happy my son called me yesterday.

Ragweed pollen makes me not feel good.  It blooms this time of year, and is everywhere.  It has pretty yellow flowers on it.  But it makes my nose run and my eyes itch.

I am still not get enough sleep, writing is very difficult because I keep dozing off.  I keep having to get up and walk around so my brain does not get all foggy. So far the extra dose of the vistiral is not working.  Maybe it will in a few more days.

Did any of all year about the six year old who has been sentenced to forty-six days in reform school for bringing a boy scout muti-tool to school?  It apparently had a spoon and fork in it and it was new. The little kid wanted to eat his school lunch with it.  All of the reports say he is a very good little boy and even sometimes likes to wear a suit jacket and a tie to school.  I personally think it is nuts that this little kid is being treated so harshly, due to a no tolerance rule.  I think it should be taken on a case by case basis, rather than a blanket rule that sends a little six year old boy to a reform school.

Black and White Willow