By the time I was eighteen, I had run away from home twice. On one of those occasions, the reason I ran away is that my mother had told me she did not want me around.  So it made sense in my head to leave.  When my mother asked me why I had run away and I told her that, her response was something like she had said that a few days before.  The impression I got was that since she had said it a few days before I ran away that by the time I ran away she thought I should have been over it.   I am not sure if she was truly not aware of the impact that her words had on me or if she was deliberately acting as if it should have been no big deal.

The first time I ever tried to harm myself was after the slapping episode with my mother.  That was the first time I had ever tried to stop her when she was doing something to me and I was filled with an enormous amount of guilt afterwards.  To punish myself for slapping her back, I took a curing iron and held it on the back of my left hand until there was a horrible looking burn there. It was also around that age that I had some wisdom teeth pulled and was given some pain medicine. I took several of those thinking that would be enough to kill me.   My family never knew about that incident and for whatever reason made no comment about the burn on the back of my hand. 

Based on what I know now, I think I was extremely depressed through part of my high school career.  There were times when I was very cranky and short tempered with my other class mates, my lack of interest in my school work, and except for Lee, I isolated myself from people.  I had a fatalistic attitude about my life.  I assumed  that I would not live to see my twentieth birthday. I did not have any thing specific in mind that would be the reason that I would not live to twenty, I think it was just an over all view that I had about my life.

I was an angry and bitter person for many years. Like many young women who feel unloved and rejected I acted out inappropriately with men who were more than willing to take advantage of my vulnerabilities.  As a result, I have felt a great deal of shame for many years.  I do think I have reached a point where I understand that being angry and bitter are exhausting and a waste of time, and that it is time to put the shame aside.

Unfortunately, habits and behaviors that you have grown up with are very difficult to put aside.  I started off my life with the glass always being half empty and that is how I looked at things when I became an adult.  The constant worry and anxiousness I felt growing up, had become such a part of me that up until recently I did not realize that there can be days, weeks and even months where I do not wake up with a knot in the pit of my stomach and waiting for the other shoe to drop.