Category Archives: Mental Illness

I Am A Failure

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There is no doubt in my mind, I am a failure. It would take more fingers and toes than I have to count how many times I have failed. I have failed so many times, that I cannot even remember all of my failures. Some of my failures have been huge, and embarrassing, others have been rather small and I was the only one aware of the failure. Sometimes it has felt as if I have failed more than the average person has.

I have spent a lot of time and energy over the years recounting my failures. I spent so much time recounting my failures that telling myself what a failure I was became a part of my negative internal dialogue. Many times I would relive the failures all over again. I would feel the same feelings of embarrassment, disappointment, anger, and etc., that I had felt when I had the original failure. Then I would start kicking myself for being so stupid and for being such a failure.

My biggest failure was when I gave up. Just literally gave up on everything, including life. So I tried to commit suicide. I had given up, what was the point of being here anymore?

A few weeks ago my counselor pointed something out to me. She brought to my attention that even though I have failed many times, even to the point of attempting to commit suicide, I have also picked myself up and dusted myself off each and every time. Sometimes it was easy to pick myself up, and other times it took more time and energy, but I have always picked myself up at some point. One example she used was with regards to my depression and how once the medications started working I threw myself into learning how to manage it.

Even after the counselor pointed out the positive things about my failures, I still had a real problem with seeing failure as a positive thing. The main reason is that failing hurts. Then I read a blog post titled Secret Tips To Overcome Your Fear Of Failure written by Aaron Wong, that helped me see failure in a different perspective.

In this post Mr. Wong states

“Changing the way we view failure from a bad thing into an opportunity, is like making lemonade out of lemons in life.”

I realized I had some choices. I could choose to continue to see my failures as bad, or I could choose to embrace my failures. I could continue to beat myself up about my failures or celebrate the successes that came out of those failures. The choice seems obvious to me. It is time for me to use my positive thinking techniques on my failures.

When I took the time to look at my failures from a more positive perspective, I realized that each and every time I failed I learned something about myself. As the counselor pointed out, at some point I would attempt whatever it was again, but in a different way, sometimes it would work, other times I would still fail. The point is, I would would keep trying until I succeeded or exhausted all possibilities and found a different way to accomplish my goal.

Having a lot of failures is not a bad thing. Failures indicate a measure of courage, because you are willing to take some risk to accomplish your goals. Failures can really be viewed as victories, if you are willing to pick yourself up and keep trying.

We are all failures — at least, all the best of us are. ~ Sir James M. Barrie

Now the word failure has a different meaning for me. To me failure means victory. I am going to proudly wear the failure label with a grin on my face.

Drama Came To Me…

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There was a time, not too long ago, when I created drama every where I went. It was as if it was the only way I could feel emotion. It was very unpleasant for people to be around me.

Fortunately, my depression treatment has helped me not be such a drama freak. I no longer thrive on the drama I create, or the drama other people create. In fact in the face of drama I can usually keep myself out of it.

Imagine my surprise when I got I drama filled message from my daughter-in-law, who I have never met.  It was about my son.

I have briefly written about my son, and how he seems to be having some real issues right now. One of the things he does, for a reason I have not figured out, is flat out lie about things that have to do with his family here. For example, he told his bride that we had no desire to ever meet her or her family, which prompted her to agree to a quick wedding.

A few weeks ago, I had written here how I have chosen not to contact him anymore, and leave it up to him to make the moves.  He has been so disrespectful to me in text messages and in phone conversations, that I had just reached my end point on dealing with it.  I figured if he contacted me in his own time, that he would not be so disrespectful.

So back to the drama filled message. I was told that I had given up on my son, that I was selfish, and there was an out right lie about why his bio-dad and I divorced.  For all of his life, I never told my son the real story about why his bio-dad and I divorced because it would put his bio-dad in a bad light.  I never wanted my son to know about the bad behavior of my ex-husband.  I was very upset when I read the message, and I talked about it with my counselor today.  I told her about my idea of doing a post about my son and all of that history and she thought it was a good idea.  I will be working on it over the next few days.

My daughter-in-law has figured out that my son has been lying to her a great deal and it is causing some huge problems in their marriage.  They have only been married since the end of December.

I think I handled the drama better than usual.  I did not let it consume me and I did not go off the deep end.  It is just very tiring.

Say What You Mean…

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There have been many times over the last few years when I would share with someone what I needed or wanted, only to find that it was as if they never even heard me.  I never could understand what it was about me that seemed to make it so difficult for people to hear and fulfill my wants.

Somewhere along the way in my therapy, I realized why people did not hear what I was saying.  I was not really saying what it was that I wanted and needed.  I would beat around the bush, alluding to what it was that I wanted, but never actually saying it.  I learned that if I want to be heard,  I need to say what I mean and mean what I say.

“Then you should say what you mean,’ the March Hare went on. `I do,’ Alice hastily replied; `at least – at least I mean what I say – that’s the same thing, you know. “~ Lewis Carroll

Every time I did not say what I meant, and mean what I said, I diminished my own self worth, and my power.  I  also ended up feeling frustrated, disappointed, and ignored.  I felt as if I had no voice.   Those feelings contributed to the extreme unhappiness I always seemed to have.

There are several reasons why I chose to not say what I meant.  In the past, it was an act of self preservation.  I have had relationships with people and family where expressing what I really thought could have led to a great deal of unpleasantness.  I would use hinting around about the subject I wanted to discuss as a way to gauge what the other person’s reaction might be.  Later on in life I became the ultimate people pleaser, and did not see myself as valuable as everyone else.  By never being direct about what I wanted, I could make sure everyone else’s wants and needs were taken care of.

Once I saw myself as valuable and decided to live a truthful life, a life where I was being the real me,  I began to start saying what I meant.  I was surprised at the results.  Most of the people in my life where very happy that I was telling them what I needed and wanted.  It allowed them to know what I was thinking, and gave them an opportunity to do things for me.  It made them feel as if they were a part of my life.

The more I said what I meant and meant what I said, the more confidence and feelings of self worth I gained.  Which led to me being more and more direct.  I no longer felt ignored and frustrated.  I became a happier person.  Since I was no longer worrying about whether people got what I was alluding to, I also became less anxious.

Say what you mean and mean what you say is something I attempt to live up to every day.  It is not always easy, old habits can be difficult to overcome.   However, as each day goes by and I have more and more opportunities to practice being direct, the easier it has become.  My belief,  is that one day, I will be able to say what I mean and mean what I say without even having to give it any thought.

Do you always say what you mean?  If not,  why?

If you do not always say what you mean, how does that make you feel?

If you are someone who does say what you mean, have you always done so?

What made you start saying what you mean and meaning what you say?

I am looking forward to everyone’s answers. 

I See Myself As Worthy

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Every one of us is born with an intrinsic value. We all possess the potential to make the world a better place, to bring joy and happiness to others. We have the potential to live fulfilling lives. However, for many of us something happens, and we have no feelings of self-worth. We believe that we do not deserve happiness, success, respect, to take care of ourselves and etc.

The reality is, we never actually lose our value. Never. We just believe we have. Sometimes it is because we have childhood trauma, or have been horribly picked on by childhood peers. Even experiences we have had with other people as adults could have helped us develop feelings of no self-worth. Often when we feel that we have no self-worth we hide ourselves away, feeling empty and alone, in other words we are experiencing depression.

For many years, in fact for probably most of my life, I felt that I had no value, no self-worth. I was a very unhappy and sad person. It has taken a year of therapy for me to see my value. I have wondered why I, and women like me, would choose to live in such a state of unhappiness. I do believe it is a choice.  I have come up with a couple of reasons why I think we choose to live that way.

As crazy as it might sound, I think believing that you have no self-worth is a safe option. Since we see no value in ourselves we already know that other people will see no value in us. Which means we are better prepared for rejection than most people would be. So when rejection comes along, like it always does, our internal dialogue tells us that it won’t ruin our lives, we already knew it would happen, because we have no value.

Having no self-worth is also an easy option. If we have no value, then there is no need for us to do well or even try and succeed at anything. People will leave us alone if we act like our opinions and thoughts have no value. If we believe and say that we have no talents, or that we are useless then people will expect less of us.

Fortunately since possessing a feeling of self-worth is a choice, there are things we can do to regain our sense of value. What we have to do may seem difficult at first, but in my opinion it seems that way because it is something we are not used to doing.

I really believe making a real and accurate assessment of our strengths, and talents is very important. I was fortunate that I had my counselor to point out strengths that I was not even aware of. If you feel you need to, get someone you can trust to help you list your strengths and talents. Also, take the time to list the good things you do. Use what you have written down as a jumping off point in believing you have self-worth.

Commit to yourself that you are going to work on building your self-esteem and believing you have value. Look for the positive in every situation, even the ones that at first glance seem bad. My goal is always to try and find three positive things in every situation. Smile! Even if you do not feel like smiling, smile. Take the time to share kind thoughts and caring emotions. Be curious, optimistic, and courageous. Work hard and take the time to have fun. Reduce the time you spend feeling sorry for yourself.

Finally, you know yourself better than anyone, be your own judge. Or if you do not feel comfortable being your own judge, find someone you trust to help you. I use my counselor that way. Sometimes I have a difficult time with identifying real emotions, so I will run things past her and make sure my assessment is fairly accurate and realistic. In the end, it is up to you to decide your worth and to live up to your realistic expectations.

Friday Frustrations – Distractions

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Recently, I have become more serious about my writing.  I entered my first writing contest, and am trying to enter a few more. I am also trying to get better at my writing so I can maybe get some freelance writing work.  That means I am putting more time into writing.

Very often I when I am writing, my family decides they need me.  It always derails my thought process.  I have tried scheduling writing time so that they feel like I am accessible and I do not feel frustrated, but that has not worked out very well.

I need to figure out a way I can write and pay attention to that while at the same time managing the time with my family so I do not feel frustrated.

Sardines, Golden Ticket, Time To Spread Stinky

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Sardines

My husband got home from work early today and decided to treat us to supper at our favorite little Chinese Restaurant. We had to go in his little pickup.  We all did manage to fit in his truck, poor Anna was squished in between us.  The Chinese Restaurant we like to go to is probably not the best or even the second best in our are, but it is a buffet and it is cheap, and the family that runs it is very sweet.  It being a buffet is very important because my husband is a very hungry man when he gets home from work, and he has to work hard to maintain his burliness.  When we were heading home after our outing, it seemed like there was less room in the truck.  We felt more like sardines than people.  I happened to mention that we were all a bit bigger than we were before we ate.  The response I got was “Not that much bigger, now scoot over I only have one cheek on the seat.”  At that point, while he had only one cheek on the seat and we were all squeezed together, and he was driving down the road, my husband decides that it would be a good time to start singing and doing is boy band moves.  I am not sure how it happened but by the time we got home, I had a door handle poking me in the rear end and Anna kept talking about how awful it would be if one of us passed gas while we were all in that tiny truck.

Golden Ticket

I felt like I was in the movie “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (the original one) tonight.  My daughter is a huge Justin Bieber fan.  She has been waiting, impatiently, for when she could get his new cd.  Tonight while we were out she was able to purchase it.  What I did not realize is that there are Golden Tickets hidden in some of the Justin Bieber cds.  If you happen to find a Golden Ticket, you might just have one that you can instantly win a prize with.  If you do not win an instant prize with your Golden Ticket  your ticket number is placed in the mix for a future drawing.  Just like Charlie, in “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”, Anna dearly wanted one of those Golden Tickets.  Just the other night she had told her father that she really wished she could have one.  So when she opened the CD packaging and saw the Golden Ticket she was stunned into silence.  As soon as we got home, she entered her Golden Ticket number to see if she was one of the instant winning lucky few.  Unfortunately she was not.  The cute thing was, this did not diminish her joy at finding one of the Golden Tickets.  I happened to mention she ought to frame it and she thought that was a totally terrific idea.

Time To Spread The Stinky

It is spring, the weather is warming up, and I live in the country.  I know what you are thinking, you are jealous that I live where I live this time of year, when the flowers are starting bloom or bud, and the birds are chirping and it is just so pretty outside.  There is one little detail that I left out.  It is also the time of year when the farmers, spread chicken manure all over their fields.  Fortunately our neighbors have not done that yet.  When we were out and about this evening, we had decided that the weather was so nice that we would roll down the truck windows as were were driving.  This proved to be a very poor decision.  Several of the farms we passed had already spread the stinky manure on their fields.  Which meant that when we passed the farms, the smell of stinky chicken poo would invade our truck.  Rolling up the window did not help, by that time the smell was already trapped inside the truck, so we just left the windows open, holding our noses until we out ran the stink.

I hope you enjoyed my ramblings, Neighbors.

Hiding Under Blankets

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Hiding under blankets used to be my favorite pass time when I was depressed or feeling anxious. I could get my whole body under them, toes and all. Not a tiny bit of me would be exposed. The only thing bothersome about it was that since I was completely covered up, the air would get slightly stale. I had a solution for that. I would just slip my c-pap on and I could stay under the covers for hours and hours.

For the first few months that I was seeing my counselor, she was fully aware that I was still using my hiding technique as a way to cope. When she finally let me know that she thought that I could manage my depression and anxiety without hiding under blankets I was scared. I honestly did not think I had progressed enough to manage my anxiety and depression without my hiding technique. Then she just had to go and make things worse. She told me that I would have to get up in the mornings, take my shower, and get dressed so I would not be as tempted to go back to bed and hide under blankets. In my head I knew I would end up a quivering ball on the floor, crying for my blankets.

The reality of what happened was completely different. For the first few weeks, when I would feel anxious or I was having a bad mental health day, I would really , I mean really, really want to hide under blankets. I would resist the urge though. After a few weeks of resisting the call of hiding, I began to realize that hiding under blankets was not my first choice when I was experiencing anxiety or feeling extra depressed anymore. I had replaced that hiding habit with other things to do as a way to keep myself occupied until I could work through whatever it was that was causing me extra depression or anxiety.

I still get anxious and I still have depression. Those things are still there. However, I have coping skills that I did not have before. I may have lost my blankets, but I have also lost that powerless, paralyzed feeling that I used to get when the anxiety would strike. In my book that is a good trade off.

Have you ever been overwhelmed with anxiety?

If so how did/do you manage it?

If you manage your anxiety well, what tips do you have for those of us who do not?

My inspiration for writing this post came from Jodeen-Kitterman-Leck at A Road Newly Traveled

I am looking forward to your answers, Neighbors!

Faith

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In the past I have struggled with having faith. It was very difficult for me to just “close my eyes and leap”. I wanted proof that something was what it was proclaimed to be. That is probably why I have spent a great deal of my life trying to find what worked for me and my spiritual life. I never could commit to anything. I felt they all lacked the proof I needed to have faith in them.

On another blog, I read a post by Ameila’s Mummy who has a similar religious background as mine. Right now she and her husband are going through some sort of difficulty and while she is on the verge of panic attacks, her husband is dealing with whatever is going on just fine. The difference is that he is going to church and praying every day and has left the burden of what they are going through in God’s hands, and she just does not have the same faith in a God she cannot see, feel or touch.

She is not alone in how she feels. I have felt that way before, as well as many other people. Taking a leap of faith into the unknown is a very hard thing to do. I suppose that is why it is called faith. The very definition of faith is believing in something that cannot be seen.

I personally believe that kind of proof that people like me want so that we can have faith in God is impossible to obtain. Part of being a Christian is believing that Jesus is our Savior. He took our sins upon himself, and SAVED us. So at some point we just have to trust that God is going to be there to catch as we take a leap of faith.

I know that sounds like an easy answer for a difficult problem. The truth is though, it is just that easy, if you will do it. Try it! You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

Do You Care?

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Everyday I wake up thankful. What a wonderful feeling that is. I am thankful for many things, what I am most thankful for is the people in my life who care. Not just caring for me, but in general they care for others. They do not have to care about other people, they just do.

It is easy to see the evidence of the physical things that people do out of caring for others. What we cannot see as easily is how these acts of caring affect people spiritually. Even doing something as small as bringing someone a cup of water can affect them spiritually.

I think this quote by Mother Teresa points out how physical needs are tied to spiritual needs.

“Hungry not only for bread – but hungry for love. Naked not only for clothing – but naked for human dignity and respect. Homeless not only for want of a room of bricks – but homeless because of rejection.” ~Mother Teresa

I believe that most people feel that they do not have anything beneficial to offer another person. What they do not realize is that the simplest act of caring can bring hope to the hopeless, strength to the weary, and a feeling of joy to those who are sad. I even believe it can save someone’s life.

Do you care?

Have you ever done something for a stranger because you cared?

Have you ever wanted to perform an act of caring for someone but did not because you did not think it would make a difference?

If an opportunity presented itself for you to perform an act of caring would you do so now?

I challenge you to perform an act of caring, Neighbors.

April Comment Challenge!

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Harriet of Harriet and Friends is up to her old tricks again. She is hosting another comment challenge for us to participate in.

This time she is allowing each participant to set their own goal for how many comments they would like to leave during the month of April. For example I am going with 1000, someone else could go with a goal of 200.

For more information about how the contest works and the rules please visit Harriet at Harriet and Friends

I really hope to see you there.