National Survivors of Suicide Day

Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day. It is a day of healing, and remembrance for those who have lost a loved one to suicide. The survivor community comes together – every year – on the Saturday before Thanksgiving for support, healing, information and empowerment. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention organizes conferences, online events and other activities to take place on this day. You can find more information about the conferences and online events AFSP has organized here 12th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day.

On a more personal note…It has been a year and half since I tried to kill myself. When I attempted to take my own life, I was so sad, hopeless and miserable. I really believed that death was my only option. It has been the struggle of a lifetime to change my thinking, and believe that I am worthy of having hope, happiness, and life. For many months after my attempt, I was angry that I had not died. Now, I am thankful that I am alive.

My choice to die has been hard on my family. It has taken them a great deal of time to come to terms with the fact that someone they loved, did not want to live anymore. Several months ago, I asked my mother and daughter a series of questions about their thoughts and feelings when they found out that I had tried to kill myself. I felt it was important for me to know what they had gone through, and also share it with other people who might be thinking about suicide. Even though we feel as if we are alone, we are not. Our desire to die – and the actions we take to make it happen – has a real and devastating affect on our families, friends, and anyone who cares about us.

Here are the links to my mother’s and daughter’s interviews about my suicide attempt, and depression.

My Daughter Speaks Out

My Mother’s Point of View

Day 3 – Blog Journal

In today’s Blog Journal entry I was supposed to describe my idea of a perfect date. That would have required more effort than I felt like putting into a journal entry. So, I went in an entirely different direction.

This morning – when I woke up – I was greeted by something that I found extremely funny. It was ME! I even took a picture. You get to see me in all my morning glory, bad bed hair, no make up, and pajamas. Enjoy!

Day 2 – Blog Journal

In today’s journal entry I am supposed to post a picture of something I ate. That turned out to be a little tricky. I started my morning out with my favorite coffee – caramel truffle…..

I was going to eat something semi-healthy, but then I realized I was not hungry and did not want to eat….

My daughter and I ran out to the store, and of course that is when I got hungry so I ended up eating a cheeseburger toaster from Sonic….

I had a whole lot of fun doing today’s journal entry!

Day 1 – Blog Journal

This is Day 1 of the 30 Day Blog Journal. Today I am supposed to post a photo of myself and describe how my day has been.

I took a photo of me giving myself a breathing treatment. I have more of  a wheeze than I did yesterday, and I do not feel quite as I good as I did yesterday. I am still taking my oral steroids, but I might have to go back and get another IV steroid treatment. Despite not feeling physically all that great, I do feel good mentally. I am still breathing better than I was before I went to the ER. Since I have to take some down time due to my breathing, I am able to catch up on all my writing, tweeting, and Facebooking I was missing when I was so busy.

30 Day Blog Journal

I totally stole this terrific idea from Margaret at The World As I See It! I really liked the ideas presented in this mini journal, and made the decision to copy it.

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.

Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

Day 7 – Your dream wedding.

Day 8 – A song to match your mood.

Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.

Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.

Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag.

Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in

Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?

Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.

Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.

Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.

Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.

Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.

Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.

Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

Day 23 – 15 facts about you.

Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.

Day 25 – What’s in your purse?

Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.

Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how you changed since then?

Day 28 – Your favorite movie.

Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.

Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.

So Much Better!

As much as I did not want to, I went to the University Hospital of Augusta’s Emergency Room Monday night. I am so glad that I did! I did not have to wait long before I was taken back into the Emergency Department and the nurses started treating me as soon as I was settled. Every one of the staff I encountered was very nice, professional and efficient. My dad is the one who drove me there, and despite my efforts to kick him out – so he could go home and rest – he stayed.

Before the doctor saw me – even before respiratory had a chance to show up – a nurse administered a breathing treatment, my vitals were assessed, blood was drawn, an IV was started, and I was giving Solu-Medrol (Steroids) through the IV. I was very impressed with how quickly they started to implement procedures to make me feel better. Not long after all of those things were done, I was taken to x-ray and some chest x-rays were taken. Having chest x-rays when you are short of breath, wheezing and have chest tightness are normal. It is the way a doctor can determine if your symptems are being caused by either pneumonia or bronchitis.

After I came back from x-ray – nothing wrong showed up in the x-rays that were taken – I was given another breathing treatment. I was feeling rather discouraged and thinking that I might have to be admitted. I just did not feel as if my breathing was any better. My oxygen saturation levels were still acceptable, however, in an asthmatic those numbers can be misleading. In every asthma flare I have had, my oxygen levels have always stayed within acceptable levels. At the stage of the flare I am usually in when I seek help, my biggest problem is not that I cannot get air in, it is trying to expel the used up air. The stuff with all the carbon dioxide in it. That is why things like a peak flow meter are a must have for asthmatics. They are a simple device that we can use to get an idea of how much our lungs are able to clean themselves out when they exhale.

My dad was great! It seemed like it was taking so long for me to feel better, and it was getting very late. My father gets up very early for work, and I knew he was getting tired. Every once in a while he would doze off – while watching a football game – in one of those hard hospital chairs. He did leave the room – it sort of looked like he was running – when the nurse who started my IV had to stick me more than once to get the IV started. Dad hates that part. My mother and I are hard sticks and he knows that sometimes it can take a great many attempts to get IV’s started on us. At one point, he wandered off and came back with a bag of ruffles – cheddar and sour cream flavor. After he ate those he dozed off again. I was messing around with my phone and started to hear a rustling sound. When I looked up, dad was pulling a decent sized bag of Reeses Pieces out of his back pocket. He had gotten those out of the snack machine too.

Knowing that I could be there for a long time, I kept trying to get dad to leave. I told him I could call him whenever I was discharged, and that way he might be able to get some decent sleep at the house. No matter how much I tried to convince him I was fine in the ER by myself he would not leave. After a while, I gave up. I thought I was stubborn, my dad is definitely more stubborn than I am. I did think it was very sweet and considerate of him to want to stay there with me.

When my breathing started to improve, it was like it happened instantly. Once second I was chugging away – wheezing and miserable – the next second my chest felt less tight, there was barely any wheeze, and my agitation – from having to work so hard to breathe – had gone away. Shortly after that, a nurse and the doctor came in with some discharge papers and a prescription for prednisone (oral steroids).  I can honestly say, that when I left that emergency room I felt better than I had in several days.

I am still feeling better. I still have a slight wheeze, but it may take me going through the whole course of my oral steroids before that improves. Or, if things do not get better, then I might have to go back to that ER and get some more IV steroids. I am okay with either way it plays out. The care I received there was very good.

As a diabetic, steroids cause me problems. They raise my blood glucose levels extremely high. Yesterday, my morning reading was close to 500. I quickly gave myself an insulin injection, and upped my dose of long lasting insulin last night. My morning blood glucose reading was much better this morning, 169. That was before I took my dose of oral steroids, so I am sure it will go up from there, but it does appear as if I am doing a fairly decent job keeping my blood glucose levels close to normal.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to Babys R Us, with my daughter in law. It may have been too much walking too soon. I got very short of breath, and my mother picked me up so I could go back to the house and rest.  I also did some Wii Sword Fighting with my daughter. That was not the wisest decision I have ever made.

As I write this, I can feel my wheeze picking back up. I am not totally surprised. I half expected this to happen. Very often I need several days worth of IV steroids to stop an asthma flare. I will keep taking the oral steroids and if things are still like this when I finish the taper, then I will let a doctor look at me again.

Asthma really plays a huge role in my mental health. When you cannot breath properly, it makes you extremely anxious, and agitated. Not too mention, days and days of working so hard to breathe, really can bring your mood down. I work very hard during times like this to find positives, as well as things to laugh about so that my mood can stay up beat. I am not always successful, but at least I always try.

One of my favorite Asthma Sites is Breathin Stephen. If want to learn more about Asthma and how it affects a person, I suggest taking a look at his blog.

Feeling Slightly Better

I woke up this morning feeling better than I did yesterday. My asthma is still flaring, but my chest is not as tight as it was yesterday. The other thing that I have noticed is that my whole body seems more relaxed than it did yesterday. When I cannot breathe properly, I get agitated and restless. That is how I was feeling most of yesterday. I kept walking around and moving to relieve the agitation I was feeling.

If I can keep things moving in this positive direction, I might be able to get through this flare without a trip to the hospital. That is what I am hoping for anyway.

I probably tend to wait longer than I should to go to the hospital. I always feel as if I need to try everything I can at home before I make a trip to the ER. For some reason, it feels like I am wasting the time of the ER staff, with my – silly – breathing problems. I know logically, not being able to breathe well is something I should have checked out earlier than I usually do, but I still resist that ER trip.

It seems like every year – this time of year – I have asthma flares. I did not always have an asthma diagnosis. It was around this time of year – about three years ago – that I was diagnosed. That was my very first hospital stay for something other than having a baby. I am working hard to keep from ending up in the hospital this winter. However, I am also trying to be rational about it and acknowledge that there are times when I might just need to go.

Around the time I was diagnosed with asthma, my depression kicked into high gear. I do not think the asthma is solely responsible for triggering the depression, but I do think it may have exacerbated it. I did not handle my asthma diagnosis well, and became convinced that my life was going to be forever, negatively affected by it. This attitude was reinforced by the fact that my doctor and I had such a difficult time getting the asthma under some sort of control. Now, when I have an asthma flare, my mental and emotional attitude about it is much different. I believe having a better attitude about living with asthma has helped to keep it from having as negative of an impact on my life as I initially thought it would.

When A Cold Is More Than A Cold

As I write this, it is Saturday night and I have been in bed since about 7 pm. I am not feeling well and all I can think about is the sound my chest makes every time I breathe in and out. Sometimes it sounds like a high pitched train whistle, other times it sounds like a low rumble or gurgling. My chest is tight, and when I attempt to lay down, the tightness feels like it is increasing. If things do not turn around quickly, then I know where this is heading.

All of this wheezing nonsense started off as a cold. A simple cold virus, that was supposed to just run its course and depart as quickly as it came. It has not. Just like the last two times I caught a cold, it has turned into something more. Something that makes me feel worse than the cold symptoms did.

I slept most of yesterday away – because of the cold. That is all I have wanted to do today, but the wheeze and the tightness keep me awake. They make me worry.

I feel asleep before I could finish writing this post. Woke up to a worse wheeze. Breath in – Wheeze. Breathe out – Wheeze. In and out – wheeze, wheeze, wheeze. Now I am trying to decide whether I should stay in Augusta, or head home. Both places have doctors and hospitals…

I remember when colds were simply colds for me. No big deal. A snotty nose and I could keep on keeping on. Now colds are these dangerous things that interfere with my breathing and sometimes cause me to end up in the hospital.

I think I am going to take a nap now.

A Little Of This Hobby, A Little Of That Hobby

Having a hobby of some sort has been important to me for a long time. However, having a hobby has always represented more than having something to do with my spare time, or something I engage in just for pleasure. There is something about having a hobby that fulfills the need I have to constantly challenge my brain. That need to be challenged is also the reason why I have had such a wide variety of hobbies.

I enjoy learning things. I enjoy the challenge of filling my brain with new knowledge and going from being totally confused, to having a fairly complete understanding of something.  My hobbies have ranged from cross stitch, to learning how to can my own food, and teaching myself how to crochet. I have also made my own beer and wine, raised chickens and rabbits, and spent over a year learning about herbs. Each one – in its own way – has been the challenge to my brain that I crave. The drawback to having the need to constantly be challenged, is that once I feel like a hobby is no longer fulfilling that need, I move onto something else. I am the queen of uncompleted projects, and left over hobby clutter.

One of the more interesting hobbies I took on was learning how to raise my own food, and how to can and freeze it. This hobby provided us with jars and jars of green beans, new potatoes, apple butter, pickles, and even pickled eggs. The pantry was not equipped to handle the influx of my canned goods. The only place I could think of to safely store all my hard work, was under my bed. Around my house, it was normal for me to ask the kids to “go get some food from under my bed.”

Our chickens were excellent egg producers. We had so many eggs coming in from our chickens, that every available space in the kitchen was filled with egg cartons and eggs. Eggs became a huge part of our diet. Deviled eggs, egg salad, eggs in tuna salad, eggs for breakfast, and eggs in my baking. I learned that it is possible to get tired of eating eggs. One way I found to use the eggs – without eating them – was to put them in an incubator and hatch chicks. My bathroom became a hatchery, and  my hallway became a chick nursery. I realized my children enjoyed my hobby of hatching and raising chicks as much as I did, when my son – while we were at a local park – stuck some goose eggs in his pockets and put them in the incubator when we got home.

The hobby I have stuck with the longest is cross stitch. I started cross stitching fairly simple projects when I was around 17 or 18. The thing that kept me cross stitching for so many years, was that it remained challenging to me. As I progressed in my cross stitching proficiency, I tackled increasingly difficult patterns. Every time I took on a new project, I would get excited during the planning and preparation process. I could not wait to get started. Once I did, I would spend hours and hours every day cross stitching.

Crocheting has probably been my favorite hobby. Because I taught myself how to crochet, it has been extremely challenging from day one. Once I had mastered things like scarves and blankets, I taught myself how to make doilies – those are harder than you think – and took on projects that used special crochet knots. I think almost everyone in my family has something that I crocheted. One Christmas I made hats for some women at a local drug rehabilitation center. I also had the opportunity to teach my crochet hobby to those same woman. I really enjoyed that, however, I am not sure the women did. They quickly learned that if they did not follow the patterns I gave them –  to practice with during the week – I would make them pull out all of their project, until they got to the point where they could fix their mistakes. Consequently, on the days I was supposed to teach, the women would go through great lengths to hide their projects from me.

There came a time in my life when nothing interested me. My hobbies were a thing of the past. I no longer had a desire to be challenged, or to learn anything new. I simply existed – barely. This was the time that I was experiencing a major depressive episode. It lasted for a very long time. When I started getting better, I fully expected – at some point – to feel the desire to start cross stitching or crocheting again. It never happened. Instead, I took on a new, and completely different hobby. Writing. Never before in my life have I enjoyed writing. The fact that I find it challenging and enjoyable now, has been a huge surprise to me. Pouring my heart out onto a computer screen has fulfilled more of my wants and needs than I anticipated it would.

I have a feeling that writing is going to be a hobby that I keep doing for the rest of my life. What I experience when I write, and how it makes me feel, is something different than I have ever encountered with any of my other hobbies. It does not just fill my need to be constantly challenged, but I also find it very soothing and relaxing. It allows me to have a creative outlet, and express my thoughts and feelings in the way I want to. There are no patterns for me to follow, and I am free to be as structured or unstructured as I want to be. It is wholly mine.

Mental Health Blogger Of The Week

It is my pleasure to introduce this week’s Mental Health Blogger. Margaret of The World As I See It will be sharing her thoughts with us this week. Margaret is very special to me, and I admire her a great deal. At a very young age she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, and has battled it ever since. I think Margaret is a good fit for Mental Health Blogger of the Week because she often talks about how MS affects her moods, her relationships, and her over all mental health.

1. When were you diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS)? I was diagnosed when when I was 15 or 16 I can’t really remember.  I do know I was in high school and I think it was in 2000 but I am not positive.

2. What thoughts went through your mind when you were first diagnosed? How am I supposed to be a teenager when I have an illness that will never go away.  I was super scared and mad that god is letting me suffer more than I already had at that point.

3. In what ways, if any, do you believe your life has changed since your diagnosis? My life has changed so much that it is hard to put into words.  I have realized that I am not invisible and that I need to live each day to the fullest because I don’t know how may days I will be up and walking.  I try not to let little stuff bother me because I have so many great things I can focus on to try and stay upbeat.

4. What are some positive things you have learned about yourself since your diagnosis? I can deal with tons of pain and I can do anything that I put my mind to.

5. In what ways do you think your MS diagnosis affects your mental health? It effects my mental health because it is hard not to let it get to me.  I am 25 and am missing so much because I am sick.  It gets hard some days accepting that I will always be sick.

6. At the present time, what do you believe is your biggest stumbling block? Feeling isolated and like I don’t have people that can relate to me in any way.  At such a young age I am having trouble finding people my own age with the disease that I can relate with.  I have great friends and people in my life but I would love to have a friend that has MS and just gets it.

7. For you personally, what do you consider a life lived well? Living it to fullest.  I am happy with everything in life I have done and if I were to die tomorrow I would be fine with it.  I know I have made mistakes but I have learned from them so I would say my life is well lived

8. If given the opportunity, what is something you would like to say to someone who has been recently diagnosed with the same type of  illness that you have? I actually had this happen a week or so ago and I told him knowledge is power.  Once you learn about the disease or condition it gets less scary and you know how to treat it and what is going on.

9.When deciding who you would like to have as part of your support system, what things do you look for? People who are opened minded and willing to listen to me and what I have to say about it.  I want people that are willing to learn about what the disease and not afraid of what might happen.

9. Do you think there is a stigma associated with MS? I think there is a stigma attached to any invisible illness.  People think that because they can’t see I am sick that I must just be lazy.  People have the attitude that if you can’t see what is wrong you must be lying or just lazy.  I am trying to teach people that that isn’t always the case!

10. What prompted you to begin blogging about your health issue? I had been blogging for awhile and a one of my good bloggy buddies said that I should blog about it because until she met me she didn’t know anything about it. I thought about it and decided that I would write more about it in the hopes that I could help people or open peoples eyes to invisible illnesses.