Monday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. Although it was my normal medication, and depression check, I was a bit nervous. I have been experiencing depression symptoms at least three or four days a week, and I knew that I was going to have to tell her. In my mind, I had already decided that she would probably increase my medication dosage, or some other “drastic” action.

I know there are several reasons why I have been experiencing depression symptoms – my divorce, my father’s heart issue and hospitalization, some things going on with my daughter in law and son, and my bout with loneliness. I often feel overwhelmed by all of my feelings about what is going on, and when that happens my depression symptoms return.

When I got around to telling my psychiatrist about my depression symptoms, and how often I seem to be experiencing them, her response surprised me. She said she thought what I was experiencing is perfectly normal under the circumstances. She went on by asking “You wouldn’t want to be so drugged up that you could not feel anything, would you?” My response was “Yes, I would” – I was halfway joking.

For many years, I maintained a wall around my heart. It allowed me to keep most people, and my own emotions away. Basically, there was a disconnect between me, and my emotions. That disconnect made it impossible for me to learn how to manage, move past, and embrace most of my strong emotional responses. I have spent a considerable amount of effort, and time attempting to learn what strong emotions feel like, and trying to accept them.

The truth is many times, strong emotions cause me pain, and make me very sad. In my head, pain, and sadness equal depression. Consequently, when I experience those emotions, I am always concerned that my depression is coming back. I also have to admit, there is a part of me that wishes I could take a pill – or put the wall back up – so that I did not have to experience the pain, and sadness.

I can accept that to be mentally healthy I need to experience all emotions, and that it would not be beneficial for my continued growth to drug myself up, or erect another wall. So after giving it a great deal of thought, I discovered that I can feel proud, and happy that what I am experiencing now is perfectly normal – even if it does feel uncomfortable a lot of the time.

Oh! Just so you know – the psychiatrist said that I looked, and sounded better than the last time she saw me.

I learned something this week. There are times when giving up can be a good thing. I came to this conclusion when I made a difficult decision this week.

I love my computer. Absolutely love it. Unfortunately, it is not completely paid off. I have to give Joe Bob credit here, almost every week he has made a payment on it. Unfortunately, even though he has managed to do that, my computer payment is still at least a week behind. I had planned to pay it off with my part of our income tax return.

The pay off for my computer is now considerably more than it was when I first came out to mom and dad’s. It is so high that a new computer – a decent one – would cost slightly less. The higher pay off, and the struggle to make the payments has been causing me a considerable amount of stress. I have plenty of stress in my life, and really do not need something I love – the computer – causing me anymore. So I made a decision.

I decided that it was time to give up on keeping my computer. The moment I made that decision a huge weight was lifted off of me. I honestly felt a million times better. I felt even better once the computer had successfully been returned.

As you can see, I am not completely computerless. For the time being I am using my mom’s little netbook. It is not quite what I am used to, but it certainly does what I need it to.

I am proud of myself. It was not all that long ago when the thought of giving up my computer would have sent me into a panic attack. You see, my only contact with the world was through my computer. My world is much richer, and fuller now, and my computer is not the only way I socialize anymore.

My father experienced some fairly serious heart issues last week, and as a result, spent the past seven days in the hospital. He is doing really well now – all things considered. My mother spent most of her time with him at the hospital. I mostly stayed at home – unless I was running a few errands for my mother.

I had the pleasure of babysitting my granddaughter for several days, and hanging out with the dogs. However, for the most part I was alone. I am very good at being alone. In fact, I often crave time by myself. For years I have said I would like to buy 100 acres in Alaska, and build a house right in the middle of it. I figured if I could isolate myself like that, I could limit the contact I have with other people.

I have experienced loneliness, but it was when my depression was severe. I cannot recall ever having experienced loneliness as a result of not having other people around. I was too content in my isolation to be lonely.

Because I enjoy being alone so much, it has been difficult for me to understand why someone would have a hard time with it. Why would someone dread something that I found so enjoyable?

Given my habit – almost obsession – of seeking out time to be alone, I was surprised when I realized that I felt lonely during part of the time my mother and father were at the hospital. It started off as an uncomfortable feeling – one I could not identify. When I slept in dad’s recliner – located in the living room – just so I could be around all the dogs, it dawned on me that I was lonely.

I have to say, I really did not like how it felt to be lonely, but at the same time I am cheering because I felt lonely. I am sure that does not make sense to anyone but me. Since I am such a hermit, and have a natural tendency isolate myself – and will further isolate myself when I am experiencing depression symptoms – I think it shows remarkable progress in my efforts to become more mentally healthy.

The reason I believe it is an indication of my progress, is my need to be alone seems to be more balanced now. Instead of being perfectly content to not be around anyone at all, I now need some time with other people. I honestly never thought I would ever experience a strong urge to not be alone.

I consider this one of my personal milestones in my depression treatment.

One important thing I learned about feeling lonely is it seems to trigger some depression symptoms in me. I am glad I could identify that. It gives me one more tool to use for managing my depression.

Words can hurt or heal. What did yours do today?

Most of us are familiar with the phrase “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” I hate this saying, because it is wrong. Not even just a little wrong, but wrong to the point of being harmful. Words can hurt, and can destroy.

The wrong words, used at the wrong time can destroy a person’s self-esteem, friendships, and they can destroy families. It does not matter how old we are – or how young –  words can heal or harm. Healing from harmful words often takes a lifetime.

I have had my share of harmful words hurled at me. They have come from people whose job it was to build my self confidence, people who said they loved me; and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me, people I thought were my friends, my own children, and even from myself. The damage caused by harmful words has been devastating. and I am still working hard to heal from many old, and recent wounds.

I wish – more than anything – that I could say I was innocent in the use of harmful words, but I cannot. I have said things to my children I should not have, and to people who have loved me. The guilt of that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I never wanted to harm people the way I had been, but I did it anyway. I have been an angry, sad, and bitter person for most of my life, and I believe that was the source for my own use of harmful words.

Since my mental health began to improve – and I realized the power that words have – I have tried very hard to be aware of everything that comes out of my mouth. I have no desire to cross certain lines ever again, and say things that will harm other people.  I will no longer ignore the effects of the words I hurl.

I believe all of us should remember that our words – even the ones unsaid – have the power to heal or harm.

Will you chose your words wisely today? When you speak the truth to someone, will you also be kind?