I was inspired today. There was someone who is on my facebook friend’s list who posted that she was experiencing a panic/anxiety attack while she was at work and had no medication to help her get it under control. While we were talking back and forth I mentioned that I had been thinking of blogging about what a panic attack is like from the perspective of the person having it. Her response was that I “should do that, because not many people understand”
I can only describe what a panic attack is like from my perspective. I will do the best I can to make sure it is a well thought out and coherent description, but sometimes it is difficult to put some panic attack symptoms into words. My panic attacks may or may not be like someone else’s, however, I am sure there are some common elements in everyone’s panic attacks.
Something may happen that causes me extra stress, or it could be that I am worrying too much about something. It could be nothing at all. It does not have to be a huge earth shattering event to start me moving toward a panic attack.
Usually, my panic attacks start off gradually. I start feeling some extra stress. Without really paying attention to what I am doing I start rubbing my hands together, or taking deeps breaths and letting them out with a sighing sounds.
As the attack starts building up, I begin to feel a gnawing in my stomach. The thoughts in my head start racing. I cannot concentrate on any one thing. Very often I become very silent. Because my thoughts are racing, I have a hard time putting sentences together. I can try to distract myself, reading, cross stitching, crochet, but it is impossible to concentrate on those things as well. There is a deep seated fear in my gut, that seems to give fuel to the panic attack.
As the fear fuels the panic attack, I start experiencing stronger physical symptoms. My heart begins to beat rapidly, not as fast as it will get, but definitely much faster than usual. My breathing begins to become more rapid and it feels like I am close to not being able to get enough air in my body. The gnawing feeling in my stomach gives way to burning pain. There are times when I have to urinate more frequently, or even start having diarrhea as a result of the panic attack.
As my heart begins to pick up more speed and my breathing becomes worse, the panic becomes worse. I usually begin to cry. The only thing I can focus on is the fear, panic and a feeling that the physical symptoms will cause me to die.
I cannot catch my breath and my chest begins to hurt. My heart is pounding so hard and so fast that each time it pounds it hurts. My breathing is fast and now has a distinct wheeze to it. I am sweating profusely because my body is working hard. The physical symptoms have manifested to a point where they have triggered an asthma attack. At this point I “know” I am going to die. I feel that bad. The burning pain in my stomach has increased ten fold. I have to use my rescue inhaler because of the asthma attack, and the abuterol in it causes me to start shaking allover, adding to my misery.
Finally,there comes a point where I feel like I cannot sit up anymore. There is not a part of my body that is not aching. I feel that if something does not change very quickly, I will die. My head is hurting and I feel light headed. Walking is almost impossible to do. If I am around people I will go hide somewhere, I am embarrassed and do not want others to see me like this. If I am at home I will crawl into bed. I am full of fear and panic. I want nothing more than for this to end.
If I am at home and I can make it into bed, I will pull the covers over my head, which is comforting to me. I will lay there feeling my chest hurt, trying to catch my breath, and trying to let go of the fear that I am going to die. Gradually, everything starts slowing down and the fear and panic begin to seep away. Finally, out of sheer exhaustion I will fall asleep.
If I am not alone, I stay hidden until I can pull myself together. It takes a while, to get everything to slow down and to let go of the fear and panic. Usually, despite my efforts to be alone, someone will find me. If it is my husband, he will know that the best thing for me is to be alone. If it is someone else, they can usually figure out that something is wrong. With good intentions, they usually try and stay and “help” me, not really understanding that I need to be alone so that the panic attack can run its natural course. I try very hard to concentrate on slowing my breathing, and my heart rate. The fear and panic are still there. Eventually, the physical symptoms begin to subside, but mentally, my mind is still in panic attack mode.
At least with the physical symptoms easing off, some of my fear and panic start easing away. My mind is still racing though. I am usually silent and do not engage anyone in conversation. It is easier to pretend that everything is OK if I stay silent. I am worn out, wishing I was at home in my bed. As soon as possible, I will go home, change into pajamas and climb into bed, where the last of the panic and fear can go away.
Now that I take Effexor, which is an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication, it is rare for me to have a full blown panic attack. If I do start to have a panic attack, I have some extra anti-anxiety medication, vistiril, that starts working in about fifteen minutes. It heads off a panic attack before it can become too intense. Every once in a while, I will have a panic attack that does not respond to medication. Those panic attacks are usually triggered by an immense amount of stress.
