quotes put here with permission from Anna Mashburn
“I miss the mom I used to have. I miss the mom who would do anything and everything. I miss the mom who would spend time with me. I miss the mom that I could talk to. I miss my fun and loving mom.”
Sadness, hurt, abandonment, tears, and pain are some of the words I think of every time I read that quote. I feel so sorry for the child who is expressing those feelings. I feel such utter sadness because the child who wrote those words is my daughter.
Maybe the best term to use for what depression has done to my family is collateral damage. My husband and daughter are the innocent and injured by-standers in my war against depression and an anxiety disorder. The wife and mother they had suffered an internal explosion, could barely function, and they were left to pick up the pieces and to hold the family together.
For too long my daughter felt like she had to “babysit” me when my husband was not home. There were days when she had to remind me to take a shower or eat. She felt this constant need to make me feel better, and she developed a habit of telling me she loved me at least twenty times a day as well as constantly asking me if I was happy. In essence she lost her mother. I may have been in her life physically (sometimes), but I was certainly not there emotionally or mentally.
Physically I was not with her as much as I would have been before the depression consumed me. I could not leave the house most of the time, when she wanted to go do something. That meant my husband and her would often have to go on outings without me. Or because I could barely function, I would spend a lot of time in bed, so she was left to take care of herself.
Having any type of meaningful conversation with me had to be very frustrating for her. Most of the time I did not pay attention to what she may have been trying to talk to me about and if I did, most of the time I would forget what she had said within about two minutes.
“I feel like you have pushed me away. I feel like you don’t really mean I Love You.”
I just want to cry when I see those words. I cannot blame her for thinking that though. In my checked out, depressed state I did push people away, including her and my husband. The thought processes going on in my head at the time rationalized me pushing them away. I told myself that by pushing them away, I was getting them used to taking care of themselves so that when I decided the time was right for me to end my life, it would make it easier for me to go through with it.
After seeing those words I went out and bought me and my daughter something special. I felt that it would reassure her that I do love her, even if I “checked out” again and could not express it properly. I got us heart necklaces, the larger heart says “Mother”, the smaller heart says “Daughter”.
I have also spent a great deal of time talking to her, reassuring her that I love her, and apologizing to her. My hope is that once again she will feel as if I love her and not feel so sad and abandoned anymore. I do not want her to feel she has to be so grown up at her young age because she thinks she has to take care of me.
I have learned that my depression recovery is a family affair. It is obvious what harm the major depression and anxiety disorder has caused me. What is less obvious is the harm and sadness that it has caused to my family. Even now some days it is very difficult for me to focus on anything or anyone except for myself. Just getting myself through the day is a huge task. However, on the days when I can, I will make an effort to reassure my family that I still love and care about them. Things will never be the way they were before the depression. I will never be the way I was before the depression. It was not healthy. I do, however, have a hope that when we all get on the other side of things, that we will be a stronger, healthier family because of what we all are struggling through now.
