I am once again thankful I am feeling so much better today. I am back into my blog reading and have read some good stuff already this morning.
Grey Ang wrote, what I thought was a very interesting post, entitled Making Your Weakness Your Partner And Dance With It
She starts her post off with some very good self inspection questions.
“But actually, who is it that is there to determine what is normal or success? And how do we weight ourselves, is it from your heart, or is it from how others see you?”
Grey Ang also takes the time to tell a short story about a young woman name Amiee Mullens. Amiee Mullens had both her legs amputated when she was about one years old due to a birth defect. Rather than let not having legs hold her back she has gone on to be a model, and an Olympic Athlete.
Grey Ang has a quote from Amiee Mullins that says,
“It is not so much about overcoming adversity as it is opening ourselves to it, embracing it. Grappling with it. Maybe even dancing with it. Perhaps as we see adversity as something natural, consistent and useful, we’re less burdened by the presence of it. “
At first when I read that quote, I knew those were inspirational words but I could not really think of how they could apply to me. I decided to do some more reading and thinking.
Basically, I think what I think is being said by this quote is that if you have something that is considered a weakness or a disability, embrace it! Really get to know it/them. Acknowledge that it is part of you. Love it since it is part of you.
Do not run from it. Do not hide from it. Do not keep it a secret from others. Be proud of it!
In the last year, I have made no secret of my severe depression, suicide attempts, and other things that most people would consider weaknesses or disabilities.
I think when I got my asthma diagnosis and then my diabetes diagnosis, instead of embracing and getting to know the new parts of me, I tried to shove them under the bed. They certainly did not cause my depression, but I very strongly believe that not dealing/embracing them added a lot to my severe depression. I became a hopeless person, and when I reached that hopeless point I tried to commit suicide.
Without knowing what I was doing, I have spent the last year getting to know my illnesses, my weaknesses, my anxieties, and more and embracing them. I chose to do much of that, publicly, here on this blog.
I have touched them, examined them, poked and prodded them, and now I know them so much better. I am not to the point of loving them….yet, but I am becoming proud of them. Proud in the sense that I am no longer boxed in by other people’s definitions of them.
My nurse for today paid me what I consider a very high complement. She basically said that for not having been in depression recovery for even a year yet, she thought I was really doing well. I guess my sense of pride for my “weaknesses” is actually showing through to other people. How cool is that?!
I think our weakness can become our strengths. I will be honest and admit that I am not sure how to put them all together that way just yet, but I think I am getting closer. I can see the look on people’s faces when I respond to them, and I see respect there. For example, the nurses and other support staff here have kept saying “Too bad you had to spend your birthday in the hospital”. My response has always been, “better here than at home not being able to breathe well”. Having been such a shining example of negativity for most of my life, it really feels good when you can say something positive, surprise someone, and see how it might change their own thought processes, and to hear them say out loud how strong they think you are.
Getting back to the questions from the beginning of the this post:
Who decides what is normal or a success? In the past, I let other people or society decide for me what was normal and what was considered a success. Now I define those things for myself. “My normal” is in no way the same as my neighbor’s “normal”. Why? I have a very structured drug regime, my brain certainly has issues, and to me sometimes a successful day just consists of getting dressed. However, since I am defining those things I can be proud of them.
How do we judge ourselves, from our heart or from how other people “see” us ? I very much judged myself on how other people “saw” me. Now I know, most people do not really “see” me. How can they really “see” me? Most people do not take the time to get to know each other well enough to truly “see” them. I can see myself, but I often ask myself, am I truly seeing myself completely? My opinion is, that it is extremely difficult to hold that mirror up to yourself and see yourself completely. So it is important to have one or two people you trust completely, to help you see around the corners and show you what you might be missing. Not to judge us, but so we can make a better judgment about ourselves. I use my counselor for that job.
Your turn! How would you answer those questions?
Have a great afternoon, Neighbors!
