Neither In Or Out

Posted on by
Reply

I have blogged more than once about my anxiety and how it can and has prevented me from leaving the house on a frequent basis.  For example, today my husband had to work, and my daughter wanted me to take her to youth group, but the time of day we needed to go and where we were going caused my anxiety levels to increase dramatically.  In the end I had to tell her “No”.  She was very disappointed with me, and I was very sad because I had disappointed her.  So you can see how the anxiety I have can really get in the way of life, and not just mine.

There is another aspect to my anxiety that I have not blogged about.  It is not bad enough that I have horrible anxiety and panic attacks that prevent me from leaving the house often, but I also have a similar reaction when people come to my house.  Now isn’t that a kicker?

If I know someone is coming to my house a day or two before they are due to come, I start feeling anxious.  Even though the house is clean, I will go through and reclean it and turn into a horrible, mean, nag towards my husband and daughter so they will help and make things my image of  “perfect”.   We all know how easy it is to reach perfection. By the time my husband convinces me the house cannot get any cleaner, I am so stressed that I am miserable and have made everyone around me just as miserable.

If someone just shows up to my house, well then “it ain’t purty”.  As soon as they leave, I have to go to bed.  I stay in bed until the next day and hope that the stress of an unexpected visit will go away. 

I know why I have such a reaction when people come over.  My house is my safety zone.  It is and also represents the one place where I am “free to be me”.  I do not have to act like I am comfortable, because I already am.  I do not have to pretend like I want to talk to people, because I do not have to here.  I do not have to wear makeup and if it is a bad mental health day, I can stay in my pajamas all day.  Or I can have naked laundry day.  Having to leave it sometimes is bad, but to have people invade, and it feels like an invasion to me, my safety zone it is almost more than I can bear.

When I first started seeing my counselor, she did some kind of assessment on me to see what sort of services I qualified for from their practice.  I qualified for everything.  I am considered a high risk patient because of the suicide attempts.  One of the things I qualified for was some kind of extra service where these social workers would come to my house on the weekends or during the week, basically whenever I did not have an appointment and sort of provide me with extra support.  I liked the idea until my counselor let me know about the whole having to come to my house thing.  Then I had sort of melt down in her office.  I had not been seeing her long, so she did not know about the whole panic attack when people come over to my house thing.  She decided, after witnessing my panic attack, that it would do more harm than good to have the social workers show up to my house. 

I look at this and I can see how dramatically it affects me and my life, the unfortunate thing is that it affects my husband and daughter as well.  She cannot have friends spend the night over because of me not being able to handle people in the house and the noise they make (that is a story for another day).  My husband cannot have his guy friends over.  Depression and anxiety are diseases that take a toll on the whole family.

My hope is that one day I can feel less anxious about going places and way less anxious about my house being invaded by other people.  Sometimes it seems like this whole recovery process is taking so long.  I often have to remind myself that it does take a long time, and I have not been in treatment all that long.

Daily – October 26, 2009

Posted on by
Reply

I have been working diligently all weekend to bring you a much improved looking blog.  I hope that I have accomplished it.  It was not all that easy, because I was having to learn to code as I went.  I took quite a bit of the unnecessary bits away, moved a few things around, and changed the background.  The biggest thing I am excited about is, if things worked correctly, you should see a new font in some places of the blog.  This is a huge accomplishment if it worked out, because blogger itself has limited choices on what fonts you can use, so I had to do a bit of code manipulating to get things to work out the way I wanted.  I believe the font should show up for most everyone.

My other bit of exciting blog news is that I had a huge amount of visitors on Friday.  That was very exciting for me.  Although I am not blogging to make money, it does make me feel good to  when I see how many people dropped by.

Photobucket

I made my daughter very upset with me today.  Once again my husband had to work on a Sunday.  She wanted to go to youth group this evening.  Because of the time of day we were going to have to go to town and because of the anxiousness I felt today, I just could not take her.  I know she was very disappointed in me and in the fact she could not go.  It made me sad.

Photobucket

My daughter hates my profile picture.  She says I have an awful stare going. I guess I am going to have to fix my hair, put some makeup on, and put on decent clothes so she can take a better picture of me.

Photobucket

Oh YAY!!!  Just now, after several days of not hearing from him, my son texted me.

Anna's Picture Of The Day -October 26,2009

Posted on by
Reply

The Last Of The Flowers
The last few years of having a mom who was “checked out” due to severe depression has been hard on Anna.  In an effort to try and rebuild that relationship and because she really enjoys taking pictures, she was given a page in my blog to show of her pictures.  I personally think she does an awesome job.

Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know

Posted by Picasa

Guest Blogger

Posted on by
Reply

Have you ever wanted to try your hand at blogging but were intimidated by the process? Or do not think you could write enough to fill a blog? Or even wanted to just try it out before you set up a blog for yourself? Have you thought about being a regular contributor to a blog, but did not want to have one of your own? Maybe you already have a blog of your own but you want some more exposure for it?

Here is the answer to all those questions! I am looking for guest bloggers, someone who contributes occasionally, and/or regular blogging contributors.

Topics for blogs must be geared toward the blog’s main topics, depression, anxiety, diabetes. You can describe what your own anxiety attacks feel like, even talk about mild depression, or how you or a family member cope with diabetes. You can have an article that gives advice about any of those topics, or one that is strictly informational, or a personal blog post about any of those topics. If any of the main blog topics you decide to write about are comorbid with something else, you can write about how the conditions affect each other. As you can see there are so many ways you can take those topics.

Perfect writing skills are not mandatory. Just write clearly, get your point across, and together we can fix any grammar or spelling mistakes.

Guest Bloggers can submit articles whenever they feel like it. No deadlines. Regular blog contributors must submit something at least once a week.

You will be given full credit for anything you contribute to the blog

If you are interested in being a guest blogger or regular contributor, send me an article that you would like to see posted on the blog. I will review it and let you know if I decide to use it in the blog and when it will post.

Looking Back

Posted on by
Reply

In the few short months that I have been in recovery for my major depression and an anxiety disorder, I can see a big difference in my life already.  I know that I still have a long way to go, but the process does not seem as daunting as it used to be.  At least for the moment.

In the beginning of my recovery process, I used to tell my counselor that I wanted to go back to the person I used to be before the depression.  I had that “old me” on a pedestal.  It represented everything that I had lost because of the depression, asthma, diabetes and the anxiety.  I was convinced that if I got that “old me” back, then I would be healed and my recovery process would be over.

I began to look back at who I used to be.  I was a mom who was running children all over the place for hours every afternoon.  The mom and wife who always made sure that supper was ready for the family, even with all that running around.  I was the mom and wife who cleaned and maintained the whole house, and was always available for the family to come to and talk with.  I was the mom who home schooled a child.  I was the mom and wife who……..Do you see a theme here?  I was everything that the family needed, but I was never anything for myself.

Even then I was unhappy.  I would never have acknowledged that I was unhappy and dis-satisfied, but I was. All, I had been looking at was the fact that I could accomplish so much in  a day, not the reality of who I was. Who I really was, was woman who had no voice, and no identity of her own.  I was not appreciated for who I was, but for the things I could do for others.  It is not my family’s fault that they could not appreciate me for who I was.  There was no way they could since so much of who I was , revolved around and was wrapped up in doing things for them.

Then suddenly, like a toy who has wound down, I was stuck.  Stuck in a life where I could do nothing for anyone, including myself. When I finally, got “unstuck”, the world had moved on, and had passed me by.  It was hard to think of my child as a teenager, when I still thought of her as that little girl from three years before.  In many ways, I still did not have an identity to call my own.  So I grasped onto that “old me” thinking that was my goal.

Once I started feeling better, and could semi-function I started trying to fit into that old mold of me.  It did not last for long, my medication quit working and I became overwhelmed with depression very quickly.    Looking back again, I started to see a pattern.  The pattern I saw was that I always seemed to wrap part or all of me up in what I could do for other people.  Most of the time my family, but at times it was other people too. At some point, I would always become frustrated and unhappy, and it always led to a depressed state.  Or if for whatever reason the relationships with the other people ended, and I could no longer get at least part of  my identity from them, it would leave me at a loss and also sad and depressed.

I began to think about the things I could see about myself when I was looking back. I realized that I was not the  “strong” person that I had thought I was.  I was someone whose whole world and identity were based on what I could do for others and not based on my own skills and accomplishments.  Looking back has made me rethink that goal of being the person I was before the depression got so bad that I “checked” out.

About Me

Posted on by
Reply

I am a thirty-nine year old stay at home mother.   About four years ago I was diagnosed with adult onset asthma and to me it seemed like things went down hilll from there.  After I was diagnosed with Adult Onset Asthma, I was diagnsoed with Type II diabetes.  I have had several diabetic complications since I was originally diagnosed.  During this time, an anxiety disorder that I already had, became less and less manageable and until I started getting treatment a few months ago, I could barely leave my house.  I also developed depression.  The depression went untreated for so long that by the time I was diagnosed with it, it was considered major depression and I had tried to commit suicide more than once.

I have several purposes/goals in mind for my blog.  I see it as a place for me to talk about my continued struggles with my various illnesses, a place where I can talk about my personal growth and set backs, and I can use it to put the home work my counselor gives me into practice.  I also would like to see my blog become a place, for people suffering from similar issues, to get support and encouragement.  My only expertise on the subject of depression, anxiety, and diabetes is my personal experience, I have been where many people are now.  People can also read my blog entries and find a bit of themselves in them, and realize that they are not alone.

Daily – October 24, 2009

Posted on by
Reply

I am sure that those of you who have been reading my blog from the beginning have noticed the many changes I have made.  I am always looking at other blogs, getting new ideas, and learning how to make my blog better.

Today I have made more changes.  In an effort to stream line things for those people who get the blog on a feed, I have combined Treasure and Random Thoughts into Daily.  It also makes it easier for me, instead of having to fill up two post pages, now I only have to worry about filling up just one.  Most likely the name will of this section will change again, when I think of something better.

Photobucket

Does your family have a favorite recipe that is served at every family get together?  Has it become sort of a comfort food that you associate with good memories?  My family does.  We all it Party Potatoes.

It is a mess of baked cheesy hash browns, with a few other things thrown in. It is absolutely wonderful!

I have read some where before that smells can trigger memories.  I am convinced of that now.  Last night, as a treat for my family, I fixed Party Potatoes.  When they were done I took the out of the oven, and the Party Potato smell went all through my house.  My daughter came up beside me and said the house smelled liked Thanksgiving.

I really enjoyed being able to give her a smell and food that made her have a good memory.  It is something I will treasure.

Photobucket

I managed to go to the grocery store yesterday afternoon without encountering too much anxiety.  Lately, I have been going to the store by myself and I am always worrying that even with my list I will forget something, and I always do end up forgetting something.  Yesterday, I took Anna with me.  The weather was bad, and I thought it would be good to have her help with the groceries.  Initially, she did not want to go, but I think after we got there she was fine with it.  I found that having her there, made for a much less stressful shopping experience.  I gave her a list of things that I needed, but they also happened to be things I always forget.  That meant that worry went away.  It was a little crowded when we got there, but by the time we got to the registers it was not bad anymore.  Less crowds at the register means less anxiety for me.  Less anxiety means a more pleasant shopping experience, and I am in a better mood when I finish shopping.  I made sure to tell Anna how beneficial she was to me.

Photobucket 

After a couple of days of texting back and forth with my son, I have now had a couple of days of not hearing from him.  This makes me a little sad. I enjoyed talking to him so much, after so long of not hearing from him, that I allowed the last couple of days of not hearing from him to get to me.  I will try getting a hold of him one more time, and then I will just leave him alone.  I learned a lesson from before.  If he does not text or call me back after a couple of days, it usually means he does not want to talk to me.  If that is the case, I will need to work very hard to keep it from bothering me and if I let it bother me, I run the risk of having a bad mental health day.

Anna's Picture Of The Day – October 24, 2009

Posted on by
Reply


Rosie (the dog) and Cadoodle (the cat)

The last few years of having a mom who was “checked out” due to severe depression has been hard on Anna. In an effort to try and rebuild that relationship and because she really enjoys taking pictures, she was given a page in my blog to show of her pictures. I personally think she does an awesome job.

Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know.

Posted by Picasa

Guest Blogger

Posted on by
Reply


Have you ever wanted to try your hand at blogging but were intimidated by the process? Or do not think you could write enough to fill a blog?  Or even wanted to just try it out before you set up a blog for yourself?  Have you thought about being a regular contributor to a blog, but did not want to  have one of your own?  Maybe you already have a blog of your own but you want some more exposure for it?

Here is the answer to all those questions!  I am looking for guest bloggers, someone who contributes occasionally, and/or regular blogging contributors.

Topics for blogs must be geared toward the blog’s main topics, depression, anxiety, diabetes.  You can describe what your own anxiety attacks feel like, even talk about mild depression, or how you or a family member cope with diabetes. You can have an article that gives advice about any of those topics, or one that is strictly informational, or a personal blog post about any of those topics. If any of the main blog topics you decide to write about are comorbid with something else, you can write about how the conditions affect each other. As you can see there are so many ways you can take those topics.

Perfect writing skills are not mandatory.  Just write clearly, get your point across, and together we can fix any grammar or spelling mistakes.

Guest Bloggers can submit articles whenever they feel like it.  No deadlines.  Regular blog contributors must submit something at least once a week. 

You will be given full credit for anything you contribute to the blog

If you are interested in being a guest blogger or regular contributor, send me an article that you would like to see posted on the blog.  I will review it and let you know if I decide to use it in the blog and when it will post.

BLOG SUBMISSIONS

Panic, Panic, Panic

Posted on by
Reply

I was inspired today. There was someone who is on my facebook friend’s list who posted that she was experiencing a panic/anxiety attack while she was at work and had no medication to help her get it under control. While we were talking back and forth I mentioned that I had been thinking of blogging about what a panic attack is like from the perspective of the person having it. Her response was that I “should do that, because not many people understand”

I can only describe what a panic attack is like from my perspective. I will do the best I can to make sure it is a well thought out and coherent description, but sometimes it is difficult to put some panic attack symptoms into words. My panic attacks may or may not be like someone else’s, however, I am sure there are some common elements in everyone’s panic attacks.

Something may happen that causes me extra stress, or it could be that I am worrying too much about something. It could be nothing at all. It does not have to be a huge earth shattering event to start me moving toward a panic attack.

Usually, my panic attacks start off gradually. I start feeling some extra stress. Without really paying attention to what I am doing I start rubbing my hands together, or taking deeps breaths and letting them out with a sighing sounds.

As the attack starts building up, I begin to feel a gnawing in my stomach. The thoughts in my head start racing. I cannot concentrate on any one thing. Very often I become very silent. Because my thoughts are racing, I have a hard time putting sentences together. I can try to distract myself, reading, cross stitching, crochet, but it is impossible to concentrate on those things as well. There is a deep seated fear in my gut, that seems to give fuel to the panic attack.

As the fear fuels the panic attack, I start experiencing stronger physical symptoms. My heart begins to beat rapidly, not as fast as it will get, but definitely much faster than usual. My breathing begins to become more rapid and it feels like I am close to not being able to get enough air in my body. The gnawing feeling in my stomach gives way to burning pain. There are times when I have to urinate more frequently, or even start having diarrhea as a result of the panic attack.

As my heart begins to pick up more speed and my breathing becomes worse, the panic becomes worse. I usually begin to cry. The only thing I can focus on is the fear, panic and a feeling that the physical symptoms will cause me to die.

I cannot catch my breath and my chest begins to hurt. My heart is pounding so hard and so fast that each time it pounds it hurts. My breathing is fast and now has a distinct wheeze to it. I am sweating profusely because my body is working hard. The physical symptoms have manifested to a point where they have triggered an asthma attack. At this point I “know” I am going to die. I feel that bad. The burning pain in my stomach has increased ten fold. I have to use my rescue inhaler because of the asthma attack, and the abuterol in it causes me to start shaking allover, adding to my misery.

Finally,there comes a point where I feel like I cannot sit up anymore. There is not a part of my body that is not aching. I feel that if something does not change very quickly, I will die. My head is hurting and I feel light headed. Walking is almost impossible to do. If I am around people I will go hide somewhere, I am embarrassed and do not want others to see me like this. If I am at home I will crawl into bed. I am full of fear and panic. I want nothing more than for this to end.

If I am at home and I can make it into bed, I will pull the covers over my head, which is comforting to me. I will lay there feeling my chest hurt, trying to catch my breath, and trying to let go of the fear that I am going to die. Gradually, everything starts slowing down and the fear and panic begin to seep away. Finally, out of sheer exhaustion I will fall asleep.

If I am not alone, I stay hidden until I can pull myself together. It takes a while, to get everything to slow down and to let go of the fear and panic. Usually, despite my efforts to be alone, someone will find me. If it is my husband, he will know that the best thing for me is to be alone. If it is someone else, they can usually figure out that something is wrong. With good intentions, they usually try and stay and “help” me, not really understanding that I need to be alone so that the panic attack can run its natural course. I try very hard to concentrate on slowing my breathing, and my heart rate. The fear and panic are still there. Eventually, the physical symptoms begin to subside, but mentally, my mind is still in panic attack mode.

At least with the physical symptoms easing off, some of my fear and panic start easing away. My mind is still racing though. I am usually silent and do not engage anyone in conversation. It is easier to pretend that everything is OK if I stay silent. I am worn out, wishing I was at home in my bed. As soon as possible, I will go home, change into pajamas and climb into bed, where the last of the panic and fear can go away.

Now that I take Effexor, which is an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication, it is rare for me to have a full blown panic attack.  If I do start to have a panic attack, I have some extra anti-anxiety medication, vistiril, that starts working in about fifteen minutes.  It heads off a panic attack before it can become too intense.  Every once in a while, I will have a panic attack that does not respond to medication.  Those panic attacks are usually triggered by an immense amount of stress.