As a mother with Clinical Depression and an Anxiety Disorder, I have not always been the parent I should have been. I spent three years in bed, barely able to function, while my daughter had to take care of herself. I traumatized her by attempting to commit suicide and having to be hospitalized. I hurt her when I told her I did not want her around me. By the time I started my recovery process, she was a sad, angry young lady, who no longer trusted me.

Last November my daughter wrote me a letter. In it she expressed how she felt about me, my depression, and how it affected her. With her permission, I wrote a post about her letter. Here is some of her letter and parts of that post:

“I miss the mom I used to have. I miss the mom who would do anything and everything. I miss the mom who would spend time with me. I miss the mom that I could talk to. I miss my fun and loving mom.”

Sadness, hurt, abandonment, tears, and pain are some of the words I think of every time I read that. I feel so sorry for the child who is expressing those feelings. I feel such utter sadness because the child who wrote those words is my daughter.

“I feel like you have pushed me away. I feel like you don’t really mean I Love You.”

I just want to cry when I see those words. I cannot blame her for thinking that though. In my checked out, depressed state I did push people away, including her and my husband. The thought processes going on in my head at the time rationalized me pushing them away. I told myself that by pushing them away, I was getting them used to taking care of themselves. Which meant when I decided the time was right for me to end my life, it would make it easier for me to go through with it.

Since receiving that letter from her, I have worked so hard on our relationship, and I can say that we have made huge progress. She feels comfortable with me and trusts me again. We talk to each other much more than we ever have and we have grown very close. I enjoy my time with her.

Friday afternoon, she came to me and said she could not wait any longer. She gave me two pieces of paper and said “Happy Mother’s Day”. On one piece of paper was a beautiful picture she had drawn. On the other was a letter she had written me. Not only is that letter proof of how much our relationship has changed, it also is the most wonderful gift I have ever been given. With my daughter’s permission I am going to post what she wrote to me.

Mom,
First off, I would like to say Happy Mother’s Day and I hope you like or love the picture, even though it sucks.  You’re the greatest mommy in the world  =) and I think if you were to ask  Minnie, she would bark in agreement.  So I just want to say you are the greatest every day, every month, every year, every hour, that includes the hours that you sleep and snore like a mad woman. =)  So Happy Mother’s Day and I love you a lot…I should be writing letters every day instead of on a day picked out for all moms.

This letter sounds so much more positive than the last one she gave me. In it I can see and feel how much happier she is. Working on our relationship was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my recovery process, but I am so happy that both of us were willing to do what needed to be done. I am looking forward to a lifetime of enjoying her company and loving her.