Mom and Dad
When I was a young child, I loved my parents because they seemed like superheros to me. They knew what I was going to do before I did it, made the monsters go away, and comforted me. When I was a teenager, I hated them because they were human, with all the faults that humans have. As a forty year old adult, I love them because they are human, and full of human emotions.
The draw back to finally seeing them as people and not just as my parents, is that I am more aware of their mortality. Especially with my Dad. Dad has always seemed some what invincible. When I was growing up, I have no memory of him being sick or injured because it happened so rarely. Even after I became an adult, he still had that invincible quality.
Mom is different. I can remember that as I was growing up she was sick off and on. The worst was when she was hospitalized several times for asthma, when I was around fifteen or sixteen. About fourteen years ago, she was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma, and since that time has experienced other health related issues. So in some ways, I kind of always felt that the time I had with her was almost like it had been borrowed.
A couple of weekends ago, my dad was telling me about his retirement plans and how he had applied for social security, while he was talking I realized that my dad is aging, and not very gracefully. I am sure the health problems he has had over the last few years have contributed a good deal to his aging. However, it really surprised me when I realized that he is getting old fast. Really fast. It has affected him more than just physically, I believe it has affected him mentally as well. He has become a cranky old man.
I see him becoming less engaged with his family. An example is that until a few years ago, he still referred to me as his princess and told me I always would be. Now he never says that anymore. Another example is that he used to really do a lot with the grandchildren he had at the time, now not so much. Sometimes I wonder, if it were not for mom, keeping him up to date on stuff, if he would even know or ask what is going on with any of us. I do not think this is intentional on his part, I believe it goes back to how he has felt over the last few years. I am sure it is hard to focus on anyone but himself, at times, when he has felt so rotten for a while now.
I see his retirement looming before him. A retirement filled with nothing but time. My dad has no hobbies, does no volunteer work, only does a few things around the house, and as a result there is nothing for him when he retires. I take that back, he has his recliner, his westerns and his ball games. I cannot imagine that those things would satisfy him through out his retirement years. I wonder if he also sees this time looming before him.
I am no expert on depression, I only have my own experiences to guide me, however, I believe my dad is going through some sort of depressive episode. I think that this man who has always been proud of the fact that he was healthier than most people is feeling betrayed by his own body. I also think that seeing a retirement filled with nothing but time is some what scary for a man like my dad. The signs that I see that make me think that he may be in a depressed state of mind are the disengagement from the family, his crankiness, a controlling attitude, and to some extent the amount of sleeping (some of his extra sleeping is due to sleep apnea, but not all of it) he does when he is not working. All of these are things I have experienced in my own struggle with depression.
It is an odd and sad feeling to view my father in this light, as a man struggling with his own thoughts and emotions. My hope for him is that he finds some measure of peace before he retires, so that it is not the empty thing that is looming before him now.
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Very well written, Melissa and sadly, is an accurate commentary.
RIS
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate you saying that this post was well written. I am glad you found it accurate, I was trying very hard to make sure it was. Unfortunately, it is an accurate representation of dad right now.
Love you,
Melissa
Very well written, Melissa and sadly, is an accurate commentary.
RIS
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate you saying that this post was well written. I am glad you found it accurate, I was trying very hard to make sure it was. Unfortunately, it is an accurate representation of dad right now.
Love you,
Melissa
I think you are dead right. Good analysis.
The problem with that population is they are SO resistant to care, because they cannot stand to be labeled "weak," which is how that generation, particularly men, see mood disorders.
Keep plugging away. Does he have any friends?
I think you are dead right. Good analysis.
The problem with that population is they are SO resistant to care, because they cannot stand to be labeled "weak," which is how that generation, particularly men, see mood disorders.
Keep plugging away. Does he have any friends?
Yes, I'd have to agree, based on what I'm seeing with both my parents and in-laws, that this is pretty common behavior. I can tell you that they definitely dread losing their independence.
While some, like my mom and MIL, seem to embrace retirement – finally the chance to relax and do all the stuff they want to do without jamming it in between working and daily chores, others dread that wide open expanse of time. Perhaps these are the people who have invested so much of their identity into their work? Therefore on top of the usual fears related to aging (illness, loss), there is this other fear also.
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Yes, I'd have to agree, based on what I'm seeing with both my parents and in-laws, that this is pretty common behavior. I can tell you that they definitely dread losing their independence.
While some, like my mom and MIL, seem to embrace retirement – finally the chance to relax and do all the stuff they want to do without jamming it in between working and daily chores, others dread that wide open expanse of time. Perhaps these are the people who have invested so much of their identity into their work? Therefore on top of the usual fears related to aging (illness, loss), there is this other fear also.
My recent post But hating BP feels good-
I'd be wary of diagnosing from what you see and your experience, it is important to bear in mind that ageing in itself will create some of these problems.
My step-dad is almost 70 and has "grumpy old man" syndrome, he's easily irritated, sleeps more than he used to, doesn't care for anything new or exciting. He does entertain himself with home improvements and gardening though.
I can understand why you're worried but try not to. Encourage him to go to a doctor but bear in mind it could well just be age.
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I'd be wary of diagnosing from what you see and your experience, it is important to bear in mind that ageing in itself will create some of these problems.
My step-dad is almost 70 and has "grumpy old man" syndrome, he's easily irritated, sleeps more than he used to, doesn't care for anything new or exciting. He does entertain himself with home improvements and gardening though.
I can understand why you're worried but try not to. Encourage him to go to a doctor but bear in mind it could well just be age.
My recent post Loony Tunes
i feel ya. it's not fair that they have to die before we do.
do you think he could have the beginnings of dementia or another age related mental disability?
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i feel ya. it's not fair that they have to die before we do.
do you think he could have the beginnings of dementia or another age related mental disability?
My recent post nitroglycerin
i'm sorry if that question was unwelcomed.
There is nothing unwelcomed about your question. It is a valid one and makes a person think. I appreciate you taking the time tor tp read this post and responding.
I do not think it is dementia or anything like that
i'm sorry if that question was unwelcomed.
There is nothing unwelcomed about your question. It is a valid one and makes a person think. I appreciate you taking the time tor tp read this post and responding.
I do not think it is dementia or anything like that