Marriages are supposed to be partnerships. Ideally, the amount that each spouse contributes to the marriages is equal. Often when marriages have an unequal partnership they end in divorce, because the spouse who is contributing more gets tired of carrying the load.
My marriage is unequal, and has been for many years. Depression left me unable to contribute my fair share to our partnership. My husband was left to work all day and then come home and do the work at home. Cook, clean, laundry, he had to do it because my depression did not allow me to function as I should. It was very hard on him, he said he often felt as if he was a single parent since I was checked out and he had to do it all.
Now that I am doing better, I do contribute more, but it is still not an equal partnership. I have good days, and ok days, and bad days and this maybe how it is for the rest of my life. Depression is a life long disease, even if I were to reach a state of remission. Which means my husband is still left doing more than his share in our marriage.
This has made things difficult at times. My husband has felt that there were occasions I could have done more to contribute to the marriage than I have. I have felt that he is not being understanding enough. The reality is there is probably a happy medium in there some place, we just have to find it.
Even though he gets frustrated with me every once in a while, I know he loves me. He is a loving man, who is doing the best he can. I am not the person he married, and he misses her. My depression has been hard on him, it has changed all of our lives drastically.
I wish I could say that there will come a day, very soon, when I will be an equal contributing partner in our marriage, but I just do not know if that will ever happen. What I can say is that there will probably be a day when I contribute more.
We have had some rough patches during this last year. He has had to accept the fact that I was so depressed and did not tell him, and also that I tried to commit suicide. I have changed a great deal and he has had to come along for the ride. I am sure he has been confused and worried about me more than once.
I know that given everything that is going on in our marriage right now, and how we each are performing at our partnership roles, we stand a greater chance, statistically, of getting divorced than other marriages do. However, I happen to disagree with the statistics. Although it is not going to be easy, I think that we will adjust, and adapt to our roles in our marriage and will become more understanding of each others needs.
Thank you, Lady Grier of My Life for inspiring me to write this.
The feeling of 'He could do more' on my side and 'Why isn't she more understanding?' on his side is a big struggle in our house as well. I, too, refuse to let the statistics be true for us. Our marriage has almost ended several times over the course of the last few years but we have always been able to pick back up and learn from it. Like you, I don' think that this is something that will ever truly end. We just have to learn how to deal with it and to learn to adjust accordingly,.
My recent post So proud of L
The feeling of 'He could do more' on my side and 'Why isn't she more understanding?' on his side is a big struggle in our house as well. I, too, refuse to let the statistics be true for us. Our marriage has almost ended several times over the course of the last few years but we have always been able to pick back up and learn from it. Like you, I don' think that this is something that will ever truly end. We just have to learn how to deal with it and to learn to adjust accordingly,.
My recent post So proud of L
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It is difficult on everyone involved. Sometimes I get frustrated by how difficult things are between us at times.I keep hoping that I am doing enough of what I can to keep things together.
It is difficult on everyone involved. Sometimes I get frustrated by how difficult things are between us at times.I keep hoping that I am doing enough of what I can to keep things together.
In my Women's Studies class ..we talked about this concept. The misconception (that tanks so many relationships) is that we both have to give 50/50 or 100/100 and that 50 or 100 needs to be equal.
The fact of the matter is that both need to give 100% … but my 100% may be 75% of actions of that of my spouse or his 100% may be 25% of mine in any given task, life event or emotional contact.
It's not a matter of "if I do the dishes, he needs to vacuume" but rather we both give 100% of ourselves to make the family work.
If we do that, recognizing that what is MY best may fall far short of what his HIS best and visa versa … then the concept of equal becomes different.
I apologize for taking so long to respond to your comment. I have really thought long and hard about what you said here, and it make sense to me and is even a concept that I can agree with. I really appreciate the time you took to post this. You are right it does make the concept of equal different. My husband is home for the weekend, and if the time is right, I am going to try and talk to him about this. If not then I can wait until he is finished with all his out of town work and approach him then. When I talk to him, I want to have his undivided attention and that might mean waiting for a week or two. My daughter spends a lot of time with him after he has been working out of town and I do not want to discuss this in front of her.
In my Women's Studies class ..we talked about this concept. The misconception (that tanks so many relationships) is that we both have to give 50/50 or 100/100 and that 50 or 100 needs to be equal.
The fact of the matter is that both need to give 100% … but my 100% may be 75% of actions of that of my spouse or his 100% may be 25% of mine in any given task, life event or emotional contact.
It's not a matter of "if I do the dishes, he needs to vacuume" but rather we both give 100% of ourselves to make the family work.
If we do that, recognizing that what is MY best may fall far short of what his HIS best and visa versa … then the concept of equal becomes different.
I apologize for taking so long to respond to your comment. I have really thought long and hard about what you said here, and it make sense to me and is even a concept that I can agree with. I really appreciate the time you took to post this. You are right it does make the concept of equal different. My husband is home for the weekend, and if the time is right, I am going to try and talk to him about this. If not then I can wait until he is finished with all his out of town work and approach him then. When I talk to him, I want to have his undivided attention and that might mean waiting for a week or two. My daughter spends a lot of time with him after he has been working out of town and I do not want to discuss this in front of her.
Ms. Mashburn, as I read your post here, I was stunned. I felt like I was reading something written by my own wife – if she'd ever be so honest. Your writings here on this post went so to the heart of the matter; but, overlooked something to me as a man who is, or should I say? 'was' – I am not sure, pretty much in the role that your husband is in.
I cannot say how your marriage will end – if ever. Anymore than I can say the same about my own. But if it may help, a man's point of view may be useful. Speaking from my own heart, I hear of a man who loves his wife. Men, guys like me, are pretty simple really. We pick this point of honor, choose this path, and regardless of what assails us – tend to not want to change. Your husband must've somewhere said to himself, "I'll love her until the day I die". And amazingly, no matter what problems, what forces are at work to try to wreck that acceptance – does not want to lose the woman he loves.
I know from my life, that such is so. That regardless of the harm and all done by my own wife, I can just not see life any other way but having her a part – the main part in a sense – of it.
We as people, as human beings are the most isolated creatures ever. Born not just with life, but with the minds to know that we are alive. And once we find another that we feel knows that we/I are/am alive as well – that recognizes our lives as equally important as their own; well, we don't want to lose that person. Ever. It seems from what you wrote that your husband feels that way about you. Kind of wonderful, huh?
What must be done is what is being done. Being honest. Sticking with the day to day trying. Seeing the screw-ups and not giving up. Remembering the commitment that bound you together. And honesty again – always that.
If honesty was/could be a part of my own marriage – seen so by my own wife as crucial and of the highest value – my marriage too might/will go on. As the words say, "til death do us part". The dream of being some old couple sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons and….. holding hands – is a good one.
Good luck. Just know that from a man's reading of your words, it sure sounds like you've a fellow that thinks the world of you. And always will. No matter the obstacles or delays. He is your's and you are his. That is the equality you seek.
Ms. Mashburn, as I read your post here, I was stunned. I felt like I was reading something written by my own wife – if she'd ever be so honest. Your writings here on this post went so to the heart of the matter; but, overlooked something to me as a man who is, or should I say? 'was' – I am not sure, pretty much in the role that your husband is in.
I cannot say how your marriage will end – if ever. Anymore than I can say the same about my own. But if it may help, a man's point of view may be useful. Speaking from my own heart, I hear of a man who loves his wife. Men, guys like me, are pretty simple really. We pick this point of honor, choose this path, and regardless of what assails us – tend to not want to change. Your husband must've somewhere said to himself, "I'll love her until the day I die". And amazingly, no matter what problems, what forces are at work to try to wreck that acceptance – does not want to lose the woman he loves.
I know from my life, that such is so. That regardless of the harm and all done by my own wife, I can just not see life any other way but having her a part – the main part in a sense – of it.
We as people, as human beings are the most isolated creatures ever. Born not just with life, but with the minds to know that we are alive. And once we find another that we feel knows that we/I are/am alive as well – that recognizes our lives as equally important as their own; well, we don't want to lose that person. Ever. It seems from what you wrote that your husband feels that way about you. Kind of wonderful, huh?
What must be done is what is being done. Being honest. Sticking with the day to day trying. Seeing the screw-ups and not giving up. Remembering the commitment that bound you together. And honesty again – always that.
If honesty was/could be a part of my own marriage – seen so by my own wife as crucial and of the highest value – my marriage too might/will go on. As the words say, "til death do us part". The dream of being some old couple sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons and….. holding hands – is a good one.
Good luck. Just know that from a man's reading of your words, it sure sounds like you've a fellow that thinks the world of you. And always will. No matter the obstacles or delays. He is your's and you are his. That is the equality you seek.