Not having suicidal thoughts for several weeks means, my husband can rest easier and be away from home easier. He does not have to deal with the constant worry that I will do something to hurt myself. He will not have to keep explaining to our daughter why Mommy is in the hospital again. His stress levels will be reduced, his blood pressure will come down, and he will be happier again. I can work on building up trust with him again. I will be less cranky and argumentative. Which means when he comes home from work, he will not have to worry about what kind of argument I am going to start. I believe we will be closer, because there will be less tension between me and him.
When my depression and anxiety was very bad, I quit talking to people. I would just sit on the sidelines and watch as my husband and daughter engaged each other in conversation. I was not a part of things, and my husband missed me. He is enjoying it now that I will talk to him and our daughter more, and do not sit silently as much as I used to. I do not isolate myself as much anymore either. I enjoy it when we go places together and they are really having fun when I go with them.
My grandmother, who I have never seen cry, not even when my grandfather passed away, has cried about me. She cried because she was worried, and confused about why her granddaughter would want to die. I think it is incredibly sad that I caused her so much pain. At least now, she can worry less and I will not reduce her to tears anymore. She is a loving, caring grandmother and it is unfair that I have caused her to carry such a huge burden of worry for all these months. She is 82 years old, with a few health problems, I do not need to cause her anymore worry than I already have. I am looking forward to spending many more years with her.
My brother and sister-in-law can spend less time worrying about me, and helping my husband, and spend more time taking care of their daughter and themselves. They have been absolutely wonderful. They have really helped me. They have made sure that there is always an open line of communication between me and my family, and them. They willingly listen to me express my frustrations, worries, and concerns without forming judgments. They have been a huge source of support to my husband as he has had to help me through things. At least now, with me not having suicidal thoughts, they can relax a bit and not have to sacrifice as much time in taking care of me and my family.
For me personally, not having suicidal thoughts for several weeks means I feel free. I look back at how things had been going, and how I had isolated myself, and it feels like I was a prisoner during that time. Now that the depression and anxiety are lessening, and I am not having suicidal thoughts, I feel as if I have been freed from a prison cell. I feel lighter. Having all those thoughts in my head, and the sadness I always had, and the anger I always had, I always felt as if I was carrying a huge load on my back. Bits and pieces of that load are going away, so I feel lighter. My stomach feels better. Every single day I woke up with a huge knot in my stomach because I was so anxious and nervous all the time. As the day went on the knot in my stomach got bigger and bigger because I would become more anxious and nervous as the day went along. That knot is gone. I can wake up in the morning and not start the day already feeling bad. I feel so much better.
I realize that not every day is going to be a good day and that I could have some more medication issues, but at this point I am more hopeful than I have been in a very long time. Hope brings on a more positive attitude and I feel like I am moving away from that dark cloud that has surrounded me for so many years.
