“How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely… and nobody know”
Those lyrics get right to the heart of what my family was thinking and asking when I tried to commit suicide. They get right to the heart of what I think as well. How did I get that lonely and full of pain and no one really knew? Were they not paying attention? Or was I that good at hiding things? Or did they just pretend not to see? Or did it just never cross anyone’s mind that I would attempt suicide?
My personal opinion is that there is not just one answer. I kept all my pain and suffering inside of me. I did not know how to ask for help. I did not know how to tell anyone that I was obsessed with my own death and was so full of pain. I always felt that if someone had just asked me I would have told them everything. I even tried to get people to ask me. When I would go to a new doctor and I would fill out those forms they give new patients, there is always the question “Do you feel depressed?” I always answered yes, and not one doctor ever asked me about it. I think that they do not really read those papers, even though you are told how important they are.
In some ways it was so very easy for me to hide what was going on. Since I have other illnesses, it was easy to blame the fact that I had spent all day in bed on not feeling well. Or to use the excuse of, “I do not feel good” to stay home when the rest of the family went somewhere. It even came in handy when I had no choice but to go somewhere, I could use it to leave early. The more I used my illnesses to isolate myself, the more sad and lonely I became.
My husband knew better than anyone that something was really wrong with me. He saw me everyday, he saw my in-ability to cope with normal, everyday tasks. He saw me start crying for no reason, or saw my face after I had been crying for no reason. He withstood the brunt of my anger for months. I think though, it just never crossed his mind that I would try suicide. I remember him telling me, after I tried, before I told anyone the truth about what happened, that the nurses in ICU told him that I had tried to commit suicide. He said that he did not believe them and told them I was “too intelligent” to do something like that.
Why didn’t I tell the love of my life that I was hurting so much? Why didn’t I go to him and ask him to help me? Even now I am still not really sure. Embarrassment, maybe? Not wanting to worry him? Lacking the ability to explain it to him, since I did not really understand it either? I think that is close to why I did not, but not a complete answer yet.
Why didn’t I go to another family member and let them know what was going on? That is a painful question and one that is fairly easy to answer. I did not trust them. Those lonely, sad, depressed feelings and thoughts are some heavy stuff. I just did not feel I could share those with people whose motives and/or actions I could not completely trust. To be quite frank about it, I believe the poor state of my relationship with some of those other family members contributed to my feelings of loneliness, sadness and abandonment.
As I became more and more focused on suicide being my only choice, I realized I could not tell anyone anything. If I did, they would have found a way to stop me. By that point I was determined in my course of action. I did not want anyone to get in the way of that.
I was surrounded by people who loved me and I still felt an unbearable loneliness, and sadness. I carried it alone, for months, years even. I get sad now when I think about how heavy that burden was and how I felt like I could not share it with anyone.
Things are different now. My husband is very good about asking how I am doing. How I am feeling. I learned that there are some family members that I can trust with anything. I learned that there are family members I can trust with nothing. Now I know who I can go to when the thoughts in my head start pointing toward a dark direction. I know now that I do not have to carry such a heavy burden alone every again.
