On February 19th, 1970, in Paducah, Kentucky, the second cutest baby girl in the world (my daughter holds the first place position) was born.  There is some debate about the time of birth, one of my parental units says it happened at night, the other parental unit says it was in the morning.  I have no opinion either way, as I have no memory of it.


As I was growing up, I enjoyed birthdays.  One of my favorite birthday memories is when we lived in Spain.  My mother learned how to make pinatas.  These were not the simple little pinatas you see in the stores around here.  My mother’s were art pieces.  Very detailed, and if my memory is correct, they were fairly large.  She made a pinata for my birthday, and filled it with candy and toys.  

Our apartment building was on a hill and we were on the second or third floor.  When it came time to beat on the pinata, my mother just hung it over our balcony, while the kids were gathered in the road below.  The best part of this whole birthday,was when the pinata was broken and all the toys and candy fell out.  My mother had put a bunch of those super bouncy balls inside the pinata.  Since we lived on a hill, some of those super bouncy balls started bouncing down the hill with kids running behind them.  That memory still makes me smile.  

Another birthday memory that makes me smile is the year I got to go the Ringling Brothers, and Barnum and Baily Circus on my birthday.  To this day, that circus comes to Atlanta right around my birthday, the commercials for it always bring back memories.  That was the year that Coca-Cola shirts were very popular.  I was given one of those for that birthday.  I think that may have also been around the time that I discovered cookie cakes.  They were not everywhere like they are now.  There was one place that I knew that had them and it was in Town Center mall.  So for my family to get me a cookie cake was a huge deal for me.  

By the time I was a seventeen or eighteen, I believe that I was already experiencing my first round of depression.  I was a sad and lonely teen, who really did not care about birthdays anymore.  I was already having a few suicidal thoughts at that time, and I truly thought that one way or another my life would be over by the time I was twenty.



On my twentieth birthday, I was pregnant with my son, who was to be born two days later.  I felt so old on that birthday.  It was a very difficult time.  My husband (we divorced a long time ago) was not in the same state I was in, he was not sending any money to me.  I felt abandoned and alone.  I was very sad.  I believe that if it were not for my pregnancy and my son, I probably would have attempted suicide at that time.

Every birthday after that seemed to sneak up on me.  I was not thrilled about them, nor was I upset.  I was more surprised than anything else.  Surprised that I had even made it to another birthday.  Looking back I was probably depressed on and off for most of my twenties and thirties. 


Even when I was not having suicidal thoughts, I was still taken by surprise when each birthday rolled around.  It always seemed, to me at least, that I had already passed that age at which I thought I would die, so I always felt like I was living on borrowed time.  As my depression grew worse and I was having suicidal thoughts all the time, I would often tell myself that I would not be alive on my fortieth birthday.  


Here I am though, three weeks until my fortieth birthday, thinking about how that makes me feel.  I did everything to prevent this birthday from taking place.  I truly wished to die.  Yet, here I am.  I am alive.  What an odd feeling, with everything I did to prevent it.


 My fortieth birthday is actually the first birthday I have looked forward to since I was a young teenager.  I am not looking forward to it for presents, or for a party.  I am looking forward to it because to me it represents  a “New Life” celebration. I can start from there forward with liking and loving myself in a way I never thought possible.



My fortieth birthday and the word hope seem to go hand in hand. I have a feeling of genuine hope and satisfaction, for the first time in my life.  I will be starting off a new “birth year” with hope.  I will be starting off a new “birth year” with an excitement that I cannot ever remember having.  I am looking forward to this new life of mine.