In 1792, the New York Stock Exchange was born.
In 1973, the Senate Watergate Committee opens hearings.
In 2009, I tried to take my own life.
Wow! I cannot believe it has been two years! So much has changed since then. I think I need to hear myself say that again… IT HAS BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF!!
I was so sick. So very sick. I get a shiver up my spine just thinking about how bad I felt back then. I never want to go back to feeling that bad, and being that sick. It was an existence of never ending pain, overwhelming sadness, mental and physical exhaustion, and constant extreme anxiety.
Oh, and hate. I hated myself so much. I cannot even put into words how much I hated myself.
By the time May 17 of 2009 rolled around the only solution I could see to ending my pain, and sheer misery was death. The only way I could picture myself dying was if I took my own life. I had no hope.
But that was then…
As I said before, so much has changed.
I KNOW I will never get that sick again.
I have learned how to manage my depression symptoms so they do not overwhelm me. I know how to ask for help when I think I need it. I have learned to set a healthy boundaries. I have connected with other people, and have created a wonderful support network. Most importantly…
I HAVE HOPE!
Getting mentally healthier did not just happen. I had worked for it. I still have to work for it. Daily. Some days, I struggle to remember everything I have learned, and manage my depression symptoms. Other days, are easier to get through, because everything falls into place -my brain is working good, and my depression symptoms are more manageable.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you have hope? Or do you feel lost, alone, full of pain, and hopeless? Do you want to die?
I want you to know, I have been where you are, and I know how you feel. You are not alone. I promise you, things can get better. You can feel better.
All you need to do is reach out for help. Tell a friend. Tell a family member. Tell a co-worker. Tell a doctor. Tell anyone!
Or call…
Tell them you need help. Tell them you want to die. The worst thing you can do is to keep your suicidal thoughts yourself.
I am glad that you are still around and didn’t succeed in taking your own life!!!!!!!!
i am so glad that you lived. certain times in everyone’s life can and often do push them to a point of endurance that they feel they cannot withstand. when a depressed person comes upon these times the results can be tragic. you ended up with a hypo-tragedy, and your willingness to share is testament to the greatness of your soft and gentle soul.
the things you have learned are priceless. the work you do here to share your lessons are such gifts. congratulations! you deserve more than just a 5 syllable kudos, but you and i both know that. knowing is sometimes enough. you’re a viking conquer-ess of your own mind-country and the open door you wave through is a beacon for so many.
happy anniversary! though i am clear that it means a lot to you, it means a lot to others too.
mhd
Thank you for writing about this taboo subject.
Struggle with chronic suicidal ideations is exhausting..i know bc it is what I live with each day. Some months/weeks more than others. This week/month….a ton.
I’m thankful I was led to your blog (how I don’t remember).