Monday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. Although it was my normal medication, and depression check, I was a bit nervous. I have been experiencing depression symptoms at least three or four days a week, and I knew that I was going to have to tell her. In my mind, I had already decided that she would probably increase my medication dosage, or some other “drastic” action.

I know there are several reasons why I have been experiencing depression symptoms – my divorce, my father’s heart issue and hospitalization, some things going on with my daughter in law and son, and my bout with loneliness. I often feel overwhelmed by all of my feelings about what is going on, and when that happens my depression symptoms return.

When I got around to telling my psychiatrist about my depression symptoms, and how often I seem to be experiencing them, her response surprised me. She said she thought what I was experiencing is perfectly normal under the circumstances. She went on by asking “You wouldn’t want to be so drugged up that you could not feel anything, would you?” My response was “Yes, I would” – I was halfway joking.

For many years, I maintained a wall around my heart. It allowed me to keep most people, and my own emotions away. Basically, there was a disconnect between me, and my emotions. That disconnect made it impossible for me to learn how to manage, move past, and embrace most of my strong emotional responses. I have spent a considerable amount of effort, and time attempting to learn what strong emotions feel like, and trying to accept them.

The truth is many times, strong emotions cause me pain, and make me very sad. In my head, pain, and sadness equal depression. Consequently, when I experience those emotions, I am always concerned that my depression is coming back. I also have to admit, there is a part of me that wishes I could take a pill – or put the wall back up – so that I did not have to experience the pain, and sadness.

I can accept that to be mentally healthy I need to experience all emotions, and that it would not be beneficial for my continued growth to drug myself up, or erect another wall. So after giving it a great deal of thought, I discovered that I can feel proud, and happy that what I am experiencing now is perfectly normal – even if it does feel uncomfortable a lot of the time.

Oh! Just so you know – the psychiatrist said that I looked, and sounded better than the last time she saw me.