“To find the good life you must become yourself.” Dr. Bill Jackson

Hello. My name is Melissa, and I am a recovering approval addict. I got my fix – my sense of self worth – from doing things to “win” the approval of others. I acted, said, and did what was necessary to hide the real me – the part of me that I believed was “not good enough” –  in order to get my approval high. Just like any addict, I would become physically ill when I did not get what I needed.

The act of people pleasing in order to gain their approval is a habit I began early in life. In the beginning, there was nothing to indicate that my approval seeking behavior would – or could – become a life threatening addiction. However, it did not take me long to figure out that if I behaved a certain way then people would say nice things to me – and about me When you are a young person with low self esteem, and self worth, you yearn for those times when someone takes the time to compliment you.

That habit carried on into my young adult years. I was so desperate to be liked, wanted, and loved that when I went out on dates I became the “perfect girlfriend”, never letting the real me out. It worked, sort of. The guy ended up with a young woman that he knew would do anything to please him, and I ended up with…well, I think I got the short end of the stick. My approval addiction impacted my other relationships as well. More than once, I walked away from a friendship because I had done something wrong, and I “knew” I would lose the approval – approval equaled love in my mind – of my friend.

The more I got high from the approval of others, the more I needed. Not only was striving for perfection wearing me out, my constant need for approval was wearing out the people in my life. Even worse, they knew I was addicted to their approval. They knew I had no respect for myself. They had no respect for me either, and used my approval addiction to provide themselves with amusement – at my expense. They would withhold their approval – expecting me to “jump through hoops“ to get it back, even when they could see the devastating physical effects it was having on me. Effects that involved, crying hard enough to trigger an asthma flare and a migraine, and becoming so upset and afraid that I “had done something wrong”, that I could not function. In their hands, it was a tool used for manipulation, and control.

I reached a point where I could not even “win” my own approval, and I was my own worst enemy. The only happiness I found was in what I could do for others – even that was fleeting. . I would dwell on how I could never do enough, do it good enough, or do it the right way. Those thoughts became the foundation for my self hatred. It was then that  my addiction became life threatening.

Once I realized that I would never adequately be able to get my “fix”, I gave up on life. I decided that I would be better off dead. At first it took the form of a sort of living death. I developed a debilitating depression, but even that was not “good enough”. I then took steps to make it more permanent.

It took that act of desperation to eventually make me realize that I COULD NOT live the kind of life that I wanted, and continue to seek approval from others. The life I wanted was one full of contentment, joy, and love. I wanted a life where I could be free to be me. Not some made up, approval seeking, people pleasing, superficial version of me that was something akin to a Stepford Wife. The thing that I needed to conquer my approval addiction was love.

It was not just any kind of love I needed. I needed self-love. Not a selfish self-love, but the kind of self-love that acknowledges who I really am – strengths and weakness included. It is the kind of self-love that encourages – even when I mess up – and does not beat me up. It tells me I did the best I could, and knows I will do better next time. It does not judge me as being unworthy, it simply holds me accountable to do the best I can everyday.

For me, I had one other type of love that I needed to acknowledge to finally break the hold of my addiction to approval. It was the love that God has for me. No person – not even myself – can love me as perfectly as God does. God valued me, even when I placed no value on myself. God loves me perfectly.

I found a lasting joy when I decided that the approval of others was not important to who I knew I was.

Are you addicted to the approval of others? Do you change how you act, dress, think, and even your opinions to please those around you? Do you gain part – or all – of your self-worth from the approval of others?