At this time, I do not believe that my marriage can – or should – survive. However, after 14 years, and two children I do not believe it should be thrown away without at least some attempt to repair it. With that in mind, I set a bottom line – a deal maker or breaker – for my husband. He must begin – and stick with – individual counseling, and we need to begin – and stick with-marriage counseling. My thought was that since I am already in individual counseling, and if he began individual counseling, it would give us each a place to work on our individual issues. The marriage counseling would make it possible for us to learn some new tools and techniques to use in our marriage. My husband is not willing to participate in individual counseling, only marriage counseling.

I know it may seem stubborn of me to insist that he engage in individual therapy as well as marriage counseling, but I feel very strongly about holding to my bottom line. It is not to punish him, but he has some very real mental health issues that he is contending with, and they are not going to get better on their own.

Although he has apologized, and is doing his best – at this time – to not say anything inappropriate, it is not enough. It is really just the same pattern of behavior that I have been living with for years. There will be a huge explosion on his part, he will realize that he said some very wrong things, and then he goes through a period of what he calls “trying to fix things”. It never lasts. In the past, when he would enter this stage, I would hope – sometimes even believe – that he finally would turn things around for good. I wanted so much for that to happen. Now, I understand that unless he gets some intense counseling, things are not going to change. Part of me believes he wants to do things differently, but I do not think he has the skills to be able to do so.

I think when the same – not appropriate – behavior is repeated over and over again, there comes a time when apologies are simply not enough. They get to the point where they mean absolutely nothing. They are expressed, not out of any true regret, but as a way to “patch things up” for the time being. In my opinion, it is a form of manipulation.

Today, I can say with conviction that “I am okay”. I feel good about my bottom line with my husband. In my parent’s house, I feel safe and loved. My stress levels are drastically decreased. I can say -and believe it – that my choice to no longer tolerate the verbal abuse is the best decision I have made for my Mental Health.