I probably enjoy being alone more than the average person.  Some people crave social time, I crave alone time.  The problem is that in the past, there was absolutely no balance between my social time and alone time.  The scale was very much tipped toward being alone. One of the things I learned in this last year of treatment is that my alone time and time spent with other people needed to be more balanced.

I believe that I need to maintain balance between my desire to be alone and being with other people for several reasons.  For me, the most important reason was to make my relationship with my family healthier.  It was not right that I spent almost no time with them. Even when I did spend time with them I was “off in my own world” so I was not really with them then either.  This made them feel as if I were rejecting them, especially my daughter.

I have discovered that sometimes, mostly when my mood is down, when I spend so much time alone, it makes it easier for me to slip back into old patterns of behavior.  Not just any old patterns of behavior, but the ones that I used to display before my depression treatment.  Kind of downward turned, almost pessimistic type of thought pattern and actions.  The more my thoughts were sort of depressed, the more I would start feeling that way.  Turning into an unhealthy cycle of sorts.

After having spent so many years avoiding people and social situations, attempting to be more social was not exactly easy. In fact, for the most part I really disliked it.  As it turned out though, the people I ended socializing the most with was my family, including my parents.  That is probably the best possible outcome for me.  By now they understand that there are times that I need to be alone, and they allow me that time without bugging me.  However, they also are very good at checking on me when they sense that I am struggling a bit.  Nothing major, maybe a check in phone call from one of them, or asking me if I am okay.

Slowly, as I let go of my anger, and gained more self worth and self confidence, I began to feel more comfortable in social situations and even going to stores.  However, it is still not something I really enjoy.  Especially the stores.  All those people being crammed around me makes me extremely anxious.  It helps that when I need to put myself in a social situation I am always with a member of my family.  Mostly because they are at least the one, sometimes more than one, person who understands how I am feeling at the moment.  They do not have to do anything , except just be there, to make me more comfortable.  Experiencing social situations with my family allows me to gently keep pushing my comfort zones, which is helping me learn how to be around people.

There is more balance in my life now when it comes to being alone and being around people.  I will probably never be one of those people who enjoy big social situations, and most likely shopping is never going to be my favorite activity, but at least now I am willing to do things with my family. That makes all of us happier.  I am creating great memories with my family.  My daughter feels like she can talk to me more.  My husband feels like he has a partner again.  I laugh more.  Being around my family distracts me when I am having a bad day.  It fills a need we all  had.