Ashamed Disgraced Embarrassed
When we do something morally wrong, these emotions can serve a valuable purpose. They act as a catalyst of sorts, propelling us to make amends, confess what we did, and take responsibility for our actions. However, if we use these emotions to beat ourselves up, then any valuable purpose they might have served is thrown by the wayside, and that is how many of us seem to utilize them the most.
In the last few years, I have come to know how it feels to be ashamed and embarrassed because of having a mental illness, felt the disgrace of being hospitalized against my will, and experienced all three emotions at once after I tried to commit suicide. I was able to move past those feelings by blogging about my experiences and sharing my story.
When I am experiencing a depressive episode, I am not a nice person. I take all the anger that I am feeling towards myself and lash out at people around me. As a result, now that my thinking is more clear, I feel a great deal of shame about many of my past actions. Logically, I can acknowledge that in some ways I am not responsible for those past actions because my mind was so unhealthy, but that logic does not stop me from beating myself up.
A few weeks ago, someone I knew when I was in high school requested to be added to my friend’s list on Facebook. I accepted her, but did not say much of anything to her. The reason I did not is because during one of my depressive episodes in high school, I was not very nice to her. Even though it has been over 20 years since I have been in high school, every time I saw her name come across my Facebook time line I would feel a great deal of shame about how I remembered treating her at times. Finally, I decided that I would write her and apologize for how I treated her when we were in school together, and I did.
Part of her response included this:
Hi there! You shouldn’t apologize for anything. I never habored any negative feelings toward you or about you…so put that to rest.
Not only was her response to my apology very gracious, it made me start thinking. My thoughts were about shame. I wondered how much shame and embarrassment I have felt about things that I really had nothing to be ashamed of. Not just beating myself up with these emotions, but just feeling them in the first place when there was no reason to. After thinking about this for a bit, I realized that most of the time when I felt these emotions there was absolutely no reason too. They were simply the product of an unhealthy mind and also of me being very hard on myself.
I have decided to free myself from the burden of unnecessary feelings of shame, embarrassment, and disgrace. I will no longer allow them to be a part of my life if the sole purpose for my feeling them is to cause myself harm.
Are there times when you have felt ashamed, embarrassed, and/or disgraced? Were those feelings used in the proper way, to bring something you had done wrong to your attention? Or were they used to beat yourself up with.? Have you ever had those feelings when there was absolutely no reason to?
Yes! I have a bad habit of blowing something up in my mind, forgetting the other people involved have no reason to think about it after the initial incident. I beat myself up and feel stupid for YEARS for no good reason. It's a little narcissistic, no doubt. Being aware of it by talking about it in therapy has been helpful.
Yes! I have a bad habit of blowing something up in my mind, forgetting the other people involved have no reason to think about it after the initial incident. I beat myself up and feel stupid for YEARS for no good reason. It's a little narcissistic, no doubt. Being aware of it by talking about it in therapy has been helpful.
Narcissistic is exactly the right word for it. Actually, you summed up everything I wanted to say in a much more concise way than I did.
Narcissistic is exactly the right word for it. Actually, you summed up everything I wanted to say in a much more concise way than I did.
I agree, there can be a narcissistic component here, but I believe shame (the bad kind) is learned. Shame is powerful. Learning to live in kindness towards yourself is the best way to combat it.
I experience, as I believe so many of us do, shame attacks. I can tell you when its happening now (although there are times when it happens and I'm unaware) and I believe shame has been a key component of my anxiety and depression.
Shame is so hurtful. The acceptance and graceful self-approval that we must give ourselves, even in times when we've "messed up" is for me the way to learn how to put shame to rest.
My recent post I Choose to Live
I like what you said "Learning to live in kindness towards yourself is the best way to combat it (shame)".
I understand what you mean by shame attacks and how shame is the key component to your anxiety and depression. I would beat myself up with shame, then it I would end up feeling depressed and full of anxiety.
Thank you for pointing out what you did. It really added to what I was trying to say.
I like the way you put this. I'm terribly mean to myself. I'm sure that's a big part of the reason I struggle with this.
I agree, there can be a narcissistic component here, but I believe shame (the bad kind) is learned. Shame is powerful. Learning to live in kindness towards yourself is the best way to combat it.
I experience, as I believe so many of us do, shame attacks. I can tell you when its happening now (although there are times when it happens and I'm unaware) and I believe shame has been a key component of my anxiety and depression.
Shame is so hurtful. The acceptance and graceful self-approval that we must give ourselves, even in times when we've "messed up" is for me the way to learn how to put shame to rest.
My recent post I Choose to Live
I like what you said "Learning to live in kindness towards yourself is the best way to combat it (shame)".
I understand what you mean by shame attacks and how shame is the key component to your anxiety and depression. I would beat myself up with shame, then it I would end up feeling depressed and full of anxiety.
Thank you for pointing out what you did. It really added to what I was trying to say.
I like the way you put this. I'm terribly mean to myself. I'm sure that's a big part of the reason I struggle with this.
Thanks for sharing this great post. I struggle with this issue a lot too. Just not sure how to turn it off yet.
It is a struggle. In a weird way it is very encouraging to see that I am not the only one who is mean to their self. I am thinking…..I am thinking about turning being kind to myself into something of a challenge.
Thanks for sharing this great post. I struggle with this issue a lot too. Just not sure how to turn it off yet.
It is a struggle. In a weird way it is very encouraging to see that I am not the only one who is mean to their self. I am thinking…..I am thinking about turning being kind to myself into something of a challenge.
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I'm like the head member of the "beating myself up" crew. Nothing seems to change it either, unless I'm "up" you can bet I'm feeling guilty about something. Right down to if I hear/see a police car I think they're after me or if I hear about a crime on the news I feel guilty for it.
I'm like the head member of the "beating myself up" crew. Nothing seems to change it either, unless I'm "up" you can bet I'm feeling guilty about something. Right down to if I hear/see a police car I think they're after me or if I hear about a crime on the news I feel guilty for it.
It's not the energy that defines things, it is our response to it that creates an entity we identify with… it's not what happens, but how we react that make it what it is.
Mental illness or not, humans tend to be really good at assuming what others are thinking (I'm judging myself this way, so they must be too), and mentally battering ourselves. That nasty voice, one of the many Ego-based voices, is one of the loudest ones in our heads, totally drowning out the voices that speak softly with love and forgiveness.
I think it's great that you wrote that letter. I did the very same thing years ago, and was also pleasantly surprised to get the same answer you did. What a lesson in humility that was. We are friends to this day. I'm reminded of that experience every time I see her and grateful for it.
My recent post Hiroshima in 2010
It's not the energy that defines things, it is our response to it that creates an entity we identify with… it's not what happens, but how we react that make it what it is.
Mental illness or not, humans tend to be really good at assuming what others are thinking (I'm judging myself this way, so they must be too), and mentally battering ourselves. That nasty voice, one of the many Ego-based voices, is one of the loudest ones in our heads, totally drowning out the voices that speak softly with love and forgiveness.
I think it's great that you wrote that letter. I did the very same thing years ago, and was also pleasantly surprised to get the same answer you did. What a lesson in humility that was. We are friends to this day. I'm reminded of that experience every time I see her and grateful for it.
My recent post Hiroshima in 2010
I am glad that I wrote that letter. It has made me believe that there are people in the world less judgmental and more forgiving than I gave them credit for. Her response to my letter really taught me a huge lesson, and I am sure there is more for me to learn from it.
I am glad that I wrote that letter. It has made me believe that there are people in the world less judgmental and more forgiving than I gave them credit for. Her response to my letter really taught me a huge lesson, and I am sure there is more for me to learn from it.